Thing 1 and Thing 2

So I noticed something this morning - this intense urge to feel. I found myself flailing around in my mind. It's a reaction to feeling disconnected. I start trying anything and everything to get back that feeling of connection.

I automatically go back to things that worked in the past. The problem is, those things worked because the connection already existed. These are things that God asked me to do. And in my flesh, I automatically go back to those things when what I really what is Him. The rationalization goes that if the thing brought Him before, the thing will do it again.

That's so backwards. God rules the thing, not the other way around.

A Bad Reaction

This usually happens after I do something He asks. The process seems to go like this...

1. Wrestle with Him for a couple of days.
2. Do what He asks, while trying to keep in check the urge to overdo it (aka take it away from Him).
3. Reward.
4. Flailing to find that reward feeling all over again.

This should be a period of rest. Yet I find this desire to do something. Odd, I crave relaxation yet when it's here, I find it hard to accept.

Accept, that's the correct word. Totally a control thing. I want to make my own relaxation instead of accepting it as God's gift. Accepting in humility that it isn't mine. How weird.

Merry Christmas

We celebrate Christmas as good news. Me being me, I wondered why it's good. I mean, what makes it such good news? Not good versus bad.

Have you ever watched those post apocalyptic movies? A desolate wasteland with bad guys fighting for power. Someone always controls the food/water/electricity or whatever has become scarce. The "boss" has something everyone wants. At least until the movie's hero takes it away.

I imagine that's the world without God. No laws. No police. Your sense of right and wrong? All gone. Even if you think yourself a pretty good person, that all goes out the window.

Imagine a time when nothing grows. All the water dries up. The soil has no nutrients. No clouds or plants giving shade from the sun. Everything is dust. You're hungry, thirsty. And there will never be more.

Partnerships end in betrayal. Your partner stabs you and takes everything. Cooperation doesn't exist.  They are always looking for the advantage. To take whatever you can. You'll treat them the same way, too. I think that's even more frightening.

Stew on this for a second - everyone fights for dominance over an empty dust ball. Oh, you're not just fighting people. There are spiritual beings who interact with us and the world in ways we don't understand. They also plot against you.

In all of that misery, there's still one more level. You can never die. Hungry but not enough to starve. Like the movie Death Becomes Her, your body decays and won't die. It just continues falling apart. Pain without hope. Can we really comprehend that kind of misery?

Good News

That's why a little baby brought good news. When we say "Jesus saves", that's what He saves us from. God introduces life. He creates. He builds. And when He places Himself into our universe, He gives it new life.

Isn't that good? Merry Christmas!

Obedience

Obedience is accepting someone else's definition of right and wrong. This occurred to me in the shower while imagining an argument in my head. Why God picks these moments for teaching I'll never know. Must be His sense of humor.

We (and by "we" I mean "I") often confuse obedience with following orders - do what someone else wants. I'm proposing that obedience mean doing what's right as defined by someone else. For example, I accept God's definition of right and wrong. I want to be right, because let's face it, who wants to be wrong? Therefore, I obey God.

Obedience begins with rules. As I grow and we grow closer, communication and connection take a more dominate role than rules. This is how relationships work.

I think about my oldest daughter. When she learned to crawl, she wasn't allowed in the kitchen. We stopped her at the threshold. A 10-month old can't understand all the subtleties of stoves, hot water, or people moving around. Shoot, she couldn't even talk yet.

As she got older, she went into the kitchen at certain times. Then using the stove with supervision. Now, she makes fantastic burgers for dinner while I'm driving home from work. 

For Shame 

What happens when both sides insist that they're right? One of them is lying. We rationalize. And we substitute our rationalization for obedience. I find myself doing this. When I come up with a clever reason why I should do something, it's a red flag that I better double check my motivations. Talking myself into or out of something raises the question why do I need an excuse? 

If I'm doing what's right, isn't that reason enough? Sometimes it is right. I'm a victim of overthinking even when I don't need to. And many times I'm wrong. I want to do it. I came up with reasons why I "need" to do it. I have an excuse for doing something that I know is wrong. Of course, it's still wrong, isn't it?

Accepting someone else's definition of right and wrong is hard. It gives them great power over our self and our worth. If they judge us wrong, then aren't we guilty? Like I said earlier, who wants to be wrong? And it's all compounded by the truth that they themselves can be wrong.

Connections

Somehow, this all ties into emotional connections. I'm just not sure how yet. Marriage begins with a wife promising to accept her husband's definition of right and wrong (aka obedience). Our relationship with God begins the same way - accepting His definition of right and wrong. From that, a connection grows. It begins a cycle doing more of what He asks, growing a stronger connection, doing more of what He asks, making a deeper connection, and so on.

Interesting.

Give and Take

So I've been comparing two scenarios in my head, looking for why one person was manipulative but the other was not. 

The first scenario involves the ex. I learned some information she intentionally withheld. Important parenting information. And this isn't the first time. Sadly, it happened quite a lot. It makes me feel deceived and manipulated.

On the flip side, I think about my friend at work. I distinctly remember a couple of times she had to ask me to do something. And something was part of my job. It wasn't an unreasonable request. Her demeanor made me think she thought that I was going to bite her head off. When people around me act in fear, I have this innate desire to put them at ease. It's some kind of weird reflex.

Anyway, the more I think about it, the more I realize that my friend wasn't afraid. She knew my workload. She was softening her request because I might feel overwhelmed. Oddly, it worked. That silly reflex made me glad to help. But don't tell her that.

Focus

Was my co-worker manipulating me? No, but why not? Sorry, it's never enough to just answer the question. I want to understand why. 

She adapted her delivery based on her understanding of my feelings. I say that, well, because she said that - I know you have a lot to do. I have tried for over hour to do this on my own. And I'm just stuck. More importantly, I think, she didn't take the decision away from me. Those weren't excuses. They were context so that I could make an informed decision.

My ex focused on her own feelings. I think that's an important point. It reminds me of when Jesus says whoever gives up his life will find it. God has the best sense of irony. By focusing on my feelings, my friend ended up feeling good and getting what she wanted. But that wasn't her motivation.

Receiving

Spiritual things cannot be taken. They can only be given. Manipulation is one person taking from another. This is different than asking, inviting. At some point, the thing becomes more important than the person giving it. When that happens, you step into manipulation. And yes, I catch myself trying to do this too.

We are never entitled to spiritual things. For example, God is not obligated to forgive me. He does, which is just crazy. But He doesn't have to. In the same way, He never obligates me to worship Him. I do because I want to. Spiritual things are given.

You can never take what you need spiritually. You will always lose it. We absolutely rely on someone else to give us what we need. Because that's the only way to find it. 

Listening

I know that so much has gone wrong with this move. It's frustrating, overwhelming, and disheartening. I don't want to add to it. So if this sounds like "Dad lecturing", I'm sorry.

You need to stop and listen. God has something to say. He knows where you need to be - Hickory Chase or somewhere else. He knew about the cars. He knew about the apartment, the job, all of it.

I don't mean to imply that you could have avoided any of it. Sometimes we go through trouble anyway, even when we do everything He asks of us. I'm trying to say that you don't have to navigate this alone. Thinking about every possibility. Weighing options. Then making nothing more than a guess. Gambling with your money. Even if it seems to go bad, God always leads you right where you're supposed to be.

This, of course, begs the question - how do you know what God says?

Do you remember when we sat at Sonic, talking about Wittenberg? That crazy exercise I had you do - write 3 pages? I've found for myself that my own thoughts tend to get in the way. The aim of those 3 pages is that you tell God what you want. Open and honestly. Then be quiet. Sit back, close your eyes, and be quiet.

God speaks softly. Listen. It will be a nudge. A feeling that you should do something - no matter how small. Start with the first step. And follow this trail where it goes. You won't regret it.

Power

In the sermon today, Tyler asked the question how should we feel as Christians about power? He didn't answer the question. And this, along with ambition, is something that holds my interest. So needless to say, my brain immediately dove down that rabbit hole and I missed whatever he said next.

Let's define power as the ability to change the world around you. I borrowed this definition from the book Thou Shall Prosper: Ten Commandments for Making Money, by Rabbi Daniel Lapin. Eating steak instead of rice and beans counts as power. Driving a car instead of walking 2 miles to work every day counts as power. Getting your kids to do their chores counts as power.

Power is something that we need spiritually and receive physically. Spiritual things cannot be taken. The very act of taking them imbues them with poison. Spiritual things must be given - forgiveness, love, faithfulness, obedience (aka power). Our power is in the authority God gives.

I think the Bible bears this out. Proverbs talks about not taking a prominent seat (aka a seat of power). Instead, it says to work diligently with excellence and allow someone higher to give you that seat. Jesus said that everything He did came from God's direction, not His own. Yet we also know that He exercises power over heaven and hell. His authority (aka power) was given to Him.

Does that mean the desire for power is wrong? I don't think so - considering that it's a fundamental need in our lives. The desire for power, however, leads us in the wrong direction.

Frameworks

As a computer nerd, the term framework is all too familiar. God's very first command to humankind said subdue the earth and rule over it. In other words, exercise power. The idea of power provides a great framework for discussion. It gives a physical presence to an otherwise spiritual concept. I can express what my spirit knows in terms of power that everyone else understands.

I can put real world actions behind the idea of obtaining power. And then measure the outcome of those actions against it. I believe the problem comes when I measure my value by those outcomes.

Like any measure, power can reveal a facet of the spiritual reality. As we please God, He entrusts us with more power. In that sense, my power reflects His pleasure. I think that's the important bit - His pleasure. Power is given when I reflect God.

Pursuing power itself puts the creation (physical) above the creator (spiritual). Like ambition, a desire for power should spur me into a closer relationship with God. When I pursue God, He entrusts me with some of His power.

And that brings me to my generalization, well, because I like to generalize things. Spiritual things are consequences not goals. Power, as a goal, causes all kinds of trouble. Power as a consequence of obedience, however, looks very different. I think we ask the wrong question - is power good or evil? I think the question should be who am I pursuing? Take my eyes off the thing (power) and put them on the one (Jesus). 

One day, this might sink in.

Just Being With You

I watched an episode from the TV show Monk last night. The police captain stays with Monk for a few nights. While he's there, the captain keeps straightening the coffee table. If you're not familiar with the TV show, Monk is a detective with OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). When they argue about the table, the captain observes that every other piece of furniture sits at a clean 90 degree angle. But Monk keeps setting the coffee table askew.

At the end of the episode, they show a scene of Monk with his late wife. She is sitting on the couch with her feet on the coffee table. She asks Monk if he's tired. He says yes, lays down and puts his head in her lap. The coffee table is positioned for her feet.

That picture, the comfort and safety he found by curling up and being with her. They exchanged something. I'm just not sure what. She gave him something. And it meant so much that he keeps the table the way it used to be. It was a spiritual exchange.

It reminds me of two people and conversations we've had. With one person, their significant other says "I just like having you here." It upsets this person. Makes them feel like an empty show piece.

The other person is someone I tell "I just like being with you." At first, I wanted them to feel comfortable with the silence. We don't need to fill the empty spaces with words. We can have our own social contract - one that benefits us. In a sense, we exchange something spiritually. I don't quite understand it yet.

What makes the same words a comfort to one person and an insult to another? Is there something underneath the words that matters more?

Consider the first person. If the words are all there is, then even if I told them that I enjoy just being in their presence, I would also be insulting them. It would be impossible for this person to ever have someone enjoy them. But if the words are merely a physical manifestation of something spiritual, then the person who says those words can make a difference in the outcome.

Or in language I've used before - the quality of the fruit depends on the quality of the tree. Saying the words doesn't make them true. And it certainly doesn't guarantee a result. There is something - Someone - deeper, underneath the sounds and definitions.

Why is this even bouncing around in my head? I'm looking for hope. I'm looking for a reason to trust. That's hard when all words look like lies.

Love and Need

Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other. (Dali Lama)

Yes, this a million times over. This defines the difference between obedience and compliance. Compliance does as little as it needs to get what it wants. Obedience goes above and beyond not just to avoid punishment, but to genuinely please someone.

I've wondered why God made it so easy for us to forget just how much He does for us. Our brains are designed - by Him - to shunt away things that repeat. Can this be one reason?

I don't know about you, but my brain has limited capacity. What if I spend that capacity loving Him instead of thinking about everything I need from Him? Shouldn't that be the basis of my relationship with Him? My love exceeds the need? And it's a lot of big needs.

At Home

This is something I tried to teach my daughters. Following rules is where toddlers start. I expected you to do not just what I asked, but above and beyond. Do it with excellence. Cleaner than I expected. Notice that it needs doing without me telling you. Understand what I want, and do something I never asked you to do.

Obedience becomes a vehicle for learning. We become more like the person we "obey". Too often we think of obedience as following commands, like a soldier in the military. Like soldiers, you're not supposed to stay a private for all your life. You learn, you grow, and you take on more responsibility. Eventually, you shape others as much as others have shaped you.

Obedience leads to responsibility, respect, trust. God wants us to rule the world. That was His first command to Adam. The more we become like Him, the more responsibility He gives us. God didn't create robots to be programmed. He expected us to grow. He expects to give us more.

That's what I want for my girls. I expect them to move out and have their own families. To take responsibility for themselves, then someone else.

Childish

In her book Thinking in Pictures, Temple Grandin describes her emotions as childish. Surprise, surprise, I was having another conversation in my head. This is one of the things that really stood out in that book. And by stood out I mean sounded familiar.

I spent the last two days trying to deal with, I guess, depression. I wanted to be alone, eat junk food, and watch TV. Is that the right word for this stuff? Anyway, I always want to understand why I feel the way I feel. What leads up to it? What's the pattern?

I believe this episode came in response to helping a friend. This person had a very difficult week emotionally. A lot of stuff just went wrong all at once. I've learned, in these cases, that I listen and let them draw strength. And I'm glad to do it.

Emotionally, stuff like that brings a high. I assume it's what people mean when they say connection. So I'm going to say that I feel a connection. When the connection breaks, though, the emotional "high" dissipates. Like a sugar rush, there's a crash at the end. The crash is what I'm calling depression.

See, this happens a lot. Even being in a lot of meetings can lead to the same place. Anything that involves people eventually leads to the crash. The depth and/or duration of the connection affects the depth of the crash. The crash seems to be my brain's way of trying to feel again, almost like an addiction.

Does that sound weird - trying to feel? If you can't tell, I think a lot. I spend a lot of my time in thinking mode using system 2.

How It Feels

I believe Vania goes through this too. Dr. Grandin posited that people on the autism spectrum feel and express their feelings in terms of base emotions. For example, some cry because all emotions come out that way. Some get angry. The point is, instead of processing their emotions, the emotions simply become another one. Which other one often depends on up bringing.

I get angry. I think Vania cries. I know growing up I heard how much I needed to control my temper. What I really heard was stop feeling that way. My feelings were bad, because they all came out the same way. I don't want Vania to hear that.

I feel like I'm back at a point in my life where I was many years ago. Only this time, I know at least one path that doesn't work. I just don't know what does work. I can't teach Vania what I don't know.

I do know that I can listen to her. Let her express her feelings in her own way - cry, yell, whatever form it takes. Correct behavior, and make sure that she feels loved.

One of Those Days

As the blog name implies, I imagined a conversation while walking today. The person on the other side just got kicked when down. You know, bad things come in threes. Anyway, even in my imagination, I had the temptation to say the ever banal everything will be alright.

It just sounds so dismissive. You shouldn't feel bad because everything will get better later. Okay, my job is done. See ya! Not very helpful.

Now, if you have a long talk. They purge their emotions. And you want to leave them with a sense of encouragement. Then, maybe, you can say this with some good eye contact as real encouragement. See the difference? Investment, connection.

I'm reading a book about project planning. The author makes the point that "the plan isn't important, the planning is." The words aren't important.

Feeling Small

Somehow I went from this line of thought into the story of Job. Towards the end of the story, Job is feeling really down. He gets upset. God lays out this whole speech asking if Job can create the leviathan in the sea, a behemoth on land, change the weather, put x-rays and other particles in motion so they intersect a spinning dirtball at just the right time. I feel small.

Job felt so bad that he pretty much breaks down. And Gods ends the sequence by saying that Job is important to Him. He puts Job in the context of all this stuff. Then dismisses the stuff and calls Job valuable. 

Connecting

What do I really want to say to the person on the other side? It's okay to feel awful. It's safe to feel awful. Grief is overwhelming. Everything else just amplifies it, like stubbing an already broken toe. There may be no other way than through, but you don't have to go alone.

Unpleasant Realization

I had an unpleasant realization Saturday morning. Renee has all the behaviors of an abuser - empty promises to change, denial of a problem, blaming the victim, insincere kindness trying to pretend she never did anything wrong. It was the insincere kindness that caught my attention.

Renee is substituting politeness for repentance. This is a pattern that I've seen over and over. She did exactly this after having hallucinations and neglecting the girls. What really makes me angry is that someone has told Renee all of this makes her right. They believe that I owe her because she's made an empty gesture.

I'm loathe to say that Renee abused me. I'm sure she tried. Renee used abuse as an excuse - a way to make me (and other people) feel sorry for her. It's left a bad taste in my mouth, emotionally speaking. So in my mind, the important thing is her behavior. See, I can't even call it abusive behavior.

But it was. Still is.

A Day in the Life

I'm not sure why I'm writing this entry. It's frightening.

I'd like to give you some idea of what I lived with for 22 years. Shortly after getting married, Renee and I went grocery shopping. She told me to go get tomato sauce. Simple enough. My Mom always made her sauce. It was big pot, with the meatballs cooked right on the sauce. What was left went into the freezer. Spaghetti was a big dinner.

Renee meant the cans that say Tomato Sauce on them. I brought back spaghetti sauce. And all she would say is "that's not right." I brought back a different jar. Same thing - "that's not right." No explanation of what to look for, what was different. She just kept telling me to get "tomato sauce." On the third trip I noticed the cans. Then it all made sense. This has always been the pattern.

I remember Renee asking what I thought about her getting her hair cut. I told her that I would prefer she didn't. I remember choosing my words purposefully. I didn't want to be bossy or overbearing. It was only a day or two later that I came home from work to find she had it done. Years later, I realized Renee had already made the appointment.

Words never meant what they mean. Renee chose words she believed I wanted to hear. Then defined them very precisely to be what she wanted. It was manipulation, pure and simple. I remember sitting in Taylor's Student Union while Renee told me what she wrote in her wedding vows. She made a very specific point, for several minutes, about putting in the word obey. She specifically said that's how she wanted our relationship to be.

We talked about what obedience meant. We agreed on those terms. That's what the housework meant to me. Housework is stupid and small. Obedience was important. Rebellion was important. It was never about the housework. It was always about the reasons behind the lack of work.

I remember at two or three times I found out about appointments or some event by accident. Renee insisted that she told me. But those conversations never took place.

Renee had her magic words. These were phrases meant as code for something totally different than what they mean. For example, how was your day meant she wanted to hear herself talk. He said it was all in my head meant the doctor told her something she didn't like.

I've always known that I don't see things like everyone else. I questioned my reality. Did I forget those conversations? Was I wrong for not talking about my day? You have no idea what that does to a person.

Carrier Waves

I was thinking some more about waves. I watched a documentary once about the invention of radio. The basic idea is that there is a constant signal. Even during times of silence, a radio station still transmits a signal called a carrier wave. As the DJ speaks, those changes are super imposed onto the carrier. A receiver tunes to the carrier wave. It decodes the differences relative to the carrier.

This started as a question - what's changed? I see a friend going through a cycle of changes. Trying to gain control over some part of her life. I know that I do those things when something feels out of control. And I wonder what feels out of control.

On the other hand, I also make changes in response to nudges. I read a book of the same name - Nudges - a while back. The author made the observation that small nudges can influence our decisions. Rather than manipulating people by forcing them into what you want, give them choices arranged to reflect your values. Nudge them with cues, but leave the final decision with them. We humans are programmed to respond to these cues.

It makes sense to me that God also uses those same nudges. Sometimes I listen to them. Change isn't bad. Change is, well change. Facts change. Circumstances change. If God represents the carrier wave of the universe, then His changes move us in the same direction as everything else. These changes bring about something good.

Why I change is more important than the act of changing.

Cain and Abel

For those not familiar with the story, Cain and Abel were brothers. Abel was a shepherd. Cain a farmer. At the time, people were making animal sacrifices. God proscribed an unblemished lamb as the correct sacrifice. Cain decided his vegetables should make just as good an offering. God was not pleased.

Cain saw that Abel was doing well. Cain got angry, killed Abel, and tried to hide what happened. Remember, Cain did what he wanted instead of what was asked. Blamed the person who did what was asked. And hurt that person rather than accept that Cain himself did anything wrong.

The why sets whether we go along with the carrier wave or fight against it. Obedience is allowing the carrier wave to carry us forward. Imagine when everything and everyone in the universe all moves in harmony toward the same end? Peace. Real peace.

Time for church

Today's episode happened all in my head (hence the name of the blog).

Friend: "Church is all about rules. It's kind of ridiculous - some old man in the sky just waiting for you to make a mistake so He can jump out and say 'Gotcha!' Besides, look at how all those church people break their own rules."

Sorry, first I have to get the joke out of my system...

Person 1: "Church is full of hypocrites."
Person 2: "There's always room for one more!"

Me... You're not supposed to keep the rules. God isn't sitting around waiting for me to make a mistake. He really doesn't have to wait, does He?

All of those rules are for the express purpose of showing me, I mean really showing me, that I can't keep them - no matter how hard I try. Believe me, I've tried. No, really, I actually tried it once. I think it lasted 5 minutes. Or less. When I tell myself to not think about something, well, I think about it.

I'm pretty good at rationalizing. But there are enough rules in there that I can't rationalize all of them. And I think that's the point. Eventually, I have to admit that I do selfish things. Stuff that keeps me from being perfect.

And this is where the conversation breaks down in my head. I'm going to make a jump. I'm just not sure how this ties back...

Out of Time

Let's start with the premise that God sees all eternity as a single moment. He sees the end result, not the temporary condition. In Matthew 18:12-14, Jesus talks about not losing one that He was given. Notice the past tense. I think that's intentional. What if even those of us not born yet were already given to Him?

As a human being, I think about saved or unsaved as specific groups that are constantly changing based on the specific moment in time. I wonder if Jesus saw them as static groups. He wasn't seeing people who "need to be saved". He saw people who were already His, they just didn't know it yet. 

So all of those rules were written for them. To show them exactly what God was willing to do, of their need for Him. I'm not supposed to follow all the rules. I'm supposed to understand the value of not having to follow the rules.

Anything I want?

So if I don't have to follow the rules, then that means I can do whatever I want? Well, yes, I can. And I don't. Can and should aren't always the same. I should do what Jesus asks of me. He's proven beyond any doubt that He wants my good. I don't obey because I have to. I do it because I'm immensely grateful for what He has done, knowing that He wants to do even more.

He certainly knows a lot more than I do. What have I got to lose?

Okay, so back to church. I go because He asks me to go. I go where He asks me to go. I'm sure there are great reasons. And maybe one day He'll explain them to me. Until then, I do enjoy the process of thinking about it, even if it's all in my imagination.

Working It Out

I was on my way to Vania's school, talking to myself in the empty car. And somehow I ended up thinking about contentment and ambition.

Yes, I have ambition. I like nice things - matching plates, silverware, a comfortable bed, and air conditioning. I can live with less. But why?

Yet I have lived with less. And I was fine. So if I can be content with less, why do I want more?

I think ambition is more about about the shape of things. Contentment says I don't care about the things. Nice stuff isn't about the stuff. Dreams come from God. Dreams and ambition drive work. They give a reason to our lives, a goal and something to aim at. Contentment is when I accept where the arrow lands - even if it isn't quite where I thought I was aiming.

It's easy to get caught up in the extremes of both view points. We all know the movies about work-aholics who neglect the people in their lives pursuing stuff. On the other hand, there are people who won't work for anything. But they'll take whatever they can get their hands on. That's not contentment. That's laziness.

Contentment puts in the work God asks of me and accepts what the fruit He produces from it - whether that fruit benefits me or someone else. I don't have to get what I worked towards. I have to do the work. And trust God in whatever comes. Easier said than done.

Eye of the Needle

That's a relatively famous phrase - easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than a rich man to enter heaven. For those who may not know the story...

A man approaches Jesus and asks what can I do to live forever? This guy owns land, cattle, and well, stuff. Jesus tosses him a softball responding keep the 10 commandments.

Our protagonist pushes a little more, Which ones? The sarcastic person in me would have said all of them. Instead, Jesus listed a few. The man responds great, I've already done that. What else? And this is where it gets interesting.

Jesus changed tactics. He went right for the nuclear option. Sell everything you own and give the money to poor people. The man left. Jesus returns to the people around and goes on to give the now familiar camel reference.

That was Sunday's sermon, in a brief nutshell. During the small group discussion, someone contrasted this with the story of Zaccheus. You remember him, the guy who climbed a tree so he could see Jesus passing by. Jesus stops, talks to him, and ends up eating a meal with Zaccheus.

In the course of the meal, Jesus continues teaching. Zaccheus is so moved that he tells Jesus about cheating people on their taxes. Zaccheus ends by refunding the overcharges and paying back an additional amount (3 times the overcharge). Even this amount wasn't all that Zaccheus owned. It didn't put him into poverty. And yet Jesus commends Zaccheus.

Why did Jesus tell one guy to give it all away and praise another who didn't?

Why?

As with all things, I'm absolutely sure Jesus had many reasons. And with where I am now, one in particular stood out. The rich guy asked what he could do. He negotiated with Jesus. His question really was what is the least amount I can do and still get what I want. This guy tried to set the terms on which he approached God.

Think about this for a moment. God is so big that He sees all of never ending time as a single moment. Dictates the path of the smallest particles flying through space. And brought it all into being simply by speaking. How much leverage do I have, really?

Zaccheus saw a wrong and immediately went about setting it right, as much as he could. Zaccheus asked what's right for them. The rich guy asked what does it cost me.

Now, I have to be perfectly honest here. I've struggled with myself over this point. Am I just seeing what I want to see? I'm dealing with a person in my life who keeps doing as little as possible and thinks she deserves as much as she wants. It's not a good relationship.

Given, not earned

To finish the story about the rich guy, after Jesus finishes the camel allegory, the people around Him ask wait, are we going to be poor forever? Jesus corrects this, saying no, God gives back what you give away. My crazy brain focuses on the word gives.

It's not a trade. We don't earn these things. Most importantly, we are not entitled to them. God gives them because that's who He is - generous. I want Him to want to give me those things. 

Making Waves

Today I want to go a little off the rails. This is my process. Take an idea way too far, probing the boundaries, then pull back with a better understanding. That's why this post may seem to stray. I want to work this out. Kind of like brainstorming. Throw it out there and see what sticks.

A friend described her belief in the spiritual as energy. Jesus used the word fruit. What if fruit refers to combined energy waves? I saw a short documentary on AM radio once. Back in the early 1900's, several different people were experimenting with transmitting voice over radio waves. The inventor came up with the idea of sending out a continuous wave then imposing changes on it. Instead of carrying voice by wave, the voice was captured in how the received wave differs from the base wave.

Imagine God created the universe and stamped His image, His wave on it. We talk about an artist putting themselves into their work. Imagine that as an energy wave. God then created us in His image and gave us the ability to alter the wave. Or more precisely, we have our own waves and add them to His.

When two waves meet, they merge. If the waves are in synch, the result is a larger, more powerful wave. If the waves are off, then you end up with a different shape. Opposite waves pull each other down. This is the idea of cancelling out a wave.

AM radio imposes a second wave on top of the base. The second wave alters the height of the base wave, making it taller or shorter depending on its own shape. The receiver on the other end filters out the base wave, leaving only the voice wave. God set the base wave and we represent the voice wave.

Then sin entered the picture. We try to become the carrier (base) wave. And I do mean "we" - every single person who ever lived is trying to be that one central wave form. Imagine listening to 100 radio stations all at once. I'm talking about a cacophony billions of times worse.

Fruit refers to the resulting wave form when our waves are merged with the base wave. As we fight against the base, trying to cancel it, the resulting wave is less than ideal. Our fruit is bad.

In the end

Let me take the analogy one step further. Those waves don't disappear. Time itself is merely a part of God's base wave. Our changes linger. That's why in Revelations, God puts a new heaven and a new earth in place. This one has all those bad waves. And the fix is a clean break - aka death.

And that's as far as I've taken this line of thought. I wonder about the mechanics of redemption. We are still ourselves, even though there is this break with the bad waves. Maybe the waves bring a spiritual reality into the physical world. Breaking that connection resets everything. We would connect with this new earth. And because Jesus redeemed our spirit, the waves we impose work with God's base, not against it.

It is truly awesome how intertwined God's creation is. Each new step forward in our understanding opens up vistas of questions we hadn't even considered. Like a never ending tapestry.

Mirror Images

In ant colonies, the queen sends out drones to protect herself. She commands and they all do. Darwin wrote about survival of the fittest after studying wildlife. Wolf packs follow an alpha who fought the last alpha for the position. Left to itself, nature breaks down. The one who does the most damage gets their way.

And everything God does is the opposite. Jesus sacrificed Himself. Instead of taking, He gave. God, our King, provides for us, not the other way around. He protects us. So why would God create a universe that, in its natural state, works the opposite of what He does?

What if He didn't? God created us in His image. He always intended to be in this universe through us. Jesus performed amazing acts changing the world around Him. He told us that those all came from the Father, through Him. Jesus was the example of what we were supposed to be. What if God always meant to interact with this universe through us?

The spiritual then enters and changes our universe through us. We rebelled against God. We put ourselves in His place. Our spirits have changed the universe around us. What I mean, is that these behaviors we see in animals reflect us. They learned from us. It's not a natural state. It's what we made it.

So what if we submitted instead of rebelled? What if we reflected God, and the animals reflect us? A lion would lay down next to a lost lamb and protect it. Snakes would gently lick a baby who stuck its hand into their nest. No fear. Imagine walking up to a T-Rex and petting it like, well, a pet. How different would our world be?

You and I

I've been watching some Youtube videos on narcissism. It's kind of hard. I see some of myself in those descriptions. These particular videos were made by women, so their experience is with narcissistic men. It's my own weakness that lets these things get into my head.

There was one thing that really caught my attention. They mention how narcissists speak in you statements. The counter point is that healthy individuals use I statements. I found this particularly troubling. I have a very hard time speaking in I statements.

Now how many people went back and counted the I's up to this point? Seems to contradict what I'm saying (see, another one!). I can lecture with I. I can't talk about feelings with I. That's always bothered me. Where I work, they teach people how to hold difficult conversations. And this is one piece of advice we give too. I really struggle with it. It comes out sounding and feeling, well, awkward. Forced. Insincere. I don't like feeling insincere. Integrity is very important to me.

I feel in stories. Doesn't that sound weird? When a piece of music or a song generates an emotional reaction, a story forms in my mind. I'll even zone out filling in the details. Actually, just about any emotional time I can think of had a fictional story associated with it. I'll pull bits and pieces from things that interest me. I've created entire universes inside my head. All as a way of processing some emotion.

A friend of mine feels in color. Different colors represent different emotions. I find it quite fascinating. For me, different stories represent different emotions. Now here's where the real problem comes in - I don't consciously know what those feelings are. I don't think I could even tell the story. The act of putting it down loses all of the emotional content. And I most definitely cannot tell you what emotions it's processing. Maybe some larger, obvious ones. But the shades are all lost. Hidden behind a fog.

To speak in I statements, I have to translate from story into words. How do I do that when I don't know what the story means? It isn't until all is said and done that it finally clicks. Up to that point, all I have is the story of what happened. And I'm not the only actor. Sometimes, I'm not even the main one.

Fiction or Non-Fiction?

I knew someone who also told themselves stories. She told stories to change her reality. She believed her stories. At first, I used to wonder if my memory was going. If I had forgotten what happened. I finally realized this person imagined having conversations and convinced herself that they actually happened. Fantasy was an escape. And she lost the ability to distinguish it.

I know my stories aren't real. Just like I understand television isn't real. I don't know how to explain it. They're processed differently in my brain. And even if a story's going while someone is talking, there is a difference, a wall, between the two. I'm not sure why this seems important enough to write down.

I suspect that person is a covert narcissist. She would only speak rationally when I got angry. And yes, beating my head against a wall eventually makes me angry. Ironically, that only makes me angrier. In Romans, Paul talks about treating enemies with kindness to pour "burning coals of fire on their head". That was the first thing I thought of when I realized what was happening. Am I the one who's wrong and having burning coals dumped on my head?

Paul encourages us to love our enemies. The purpose of kindness is reconciliation. The kindness increases after it has it's effect. This person stopped their kindness after they got an excuse to be a victim. Their kindness is a lie designed for their own glory. God wants His kindness to flow through us and out into the world. His kindness doesn't end. It doesn't have a purpose other than the benefit of the other person. His kindness is proactive, not responsive. I think that's the difference.

Sounds like rationalizing, doesn't it? Believe you me, I can rationalize with the best of them. And yet I find peace in the words. So don't trust me. Don't take my word at face value. Ask the One who searches the heart of men. Who digs into our deepest motives. I believe this is what He asked me to write. And I believe His Son's blood covers the parts that I got wrong.

Conversations

So something weird happened today. I was discussing with my friend/co-worker some form we were submitting to a client. It was a quick conversation. One of us would begin a thought, and the other finished it.

Now I have a bad habit of trying to prompt people when they pause to think of a word. Not here. I actually finished her sentence. Correctly. The conversation gained an energy as this went back and forth. It was a new experience for me.

In college (oh, so many years ago), I read a book called A Severe Mercy, by Sheldon Vanauken. I remember two things from that book. One, there's a species of goose that mates for life. And two, the author and his wife had a language all their own for communicating. He describes how they developed code phrases for faster or even clandestine communication. I remember thinking how much I wanted a closeness like that.

What struck me the most today was the gap between where I am and there. I mean, this is the first time in my entire life I've ever had a conversation like this. It's still a far cry from what's described.

I wonder in times like this if God gives glimpses of what should be just to keep me going. I'm grateful for it. And for a friend who's taken the time to communicate in ways I understand. God reminds me that I cannot accept the lie that everything I want is wrong.

C.S. Lewis describes us as bent in his trilogy Out of the Silent Planet. Elements of what God created are still present within us. We're off the mark, not completely divorced from it. We still have the desires that He put inside. Those desires aren't wrong. A lot of my own plans to fulfill those desires turn out to be wrong. Wanting it isn't.

I think the turning point really came when I finally accepted that Jesus' blood covers everything. I can approach God with exactly how I feel and what I want. I don't have to get it perfect. In His love, looking at me through His Son, He shows the difference. And He addresses the need - the real need. The real desire. It's amazing how my understanding of what I want changes every time I talk with Him. Layers I didn't even realize were there.

God created us in His image. He is deeper than we can comprehend. We go that deep too. But we are bent. It takes a lot of courage to face those dark layers. And it takes faith to remember, hope, dream that one day they'll be unbent. That God's love, focused through the lens of Jesus' sacrifice, will overwhelm them. And maybe I'll have more stunning conversations.

Thing 1, Thing 2

Two different things are bouncing around in my head. I'm not sure how they're related. A friend asked me to watch the movie Replica. The movie raises the question of what makes us human. The other thing involves the nature of sin. Let's start there.

There's one story about Jesus where the religious leaders brought a handicapped man to Him. They asked Jesus who's sin caused the handicap - the man's or his parents? Jesus gave the answer "neither".

I have to admit that my own mental workings make me susceptible to the temptation of rules. The lie that if you follow all of the rules then you're good. That's simply not born out here. Sin causes us to disobey, not the other way around.

Looking at the world from the rule's point of view, we're good until we break the rules. I think the Bible views it the other way around - we're bad so we break the rules. Sin is a spiritual state. We come into the world that way. The man's handicap came from sin. Not a sin, but sin as a general state.

Jesus wasn't good because He lived by all the rules. He lived by all the rules because He was righteous. Righteousness and sin have nothing to do with what we do. We are one or the other. And that dictates what we do.

Who We Are

So now the first point - what makes us human. The movie involves copying a person into a clone and into a machine. Yep, they managed to hit two science fiction memes at the same time. Both are based on the same premise - that you are nothing more than chemical mixtures and electrical states. These are things that can be copied from brain to brain to brain.

Except that we just discussed spiritual states that drive what we think and what we do. If we accept the spiritual, then we also accept that it sets those states, like a computer programmer who controls the transistor states through software. One changes the other to accomplish it's purpose.

Can that be copied?

Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day. I thought I would tell you about my Mom. Yes, I know you know her. You've been to her house. You've heard her stories. I have a different story to tell you.

I remember Mom playing ball with us in the backyard. She would pitch, Uncle Scott and I batted and played outfield. We lived on the top of a hill. So our "field" slanted down. Grandmom was smart - she made Uncle Scott and I run after the ball. Believe it or not, I bat left handed because that was uphill. Weird, huh?

I remember going to school every day, for 12 years, with lunch. The school we went to (after 4th grade for me) didn't have a cafeteria. We ate lunch at our desks then went outside for a bit. Grandmom made our lunch. Not an easy task. Two boys (3 lunches with Aunt Jennie), conflicting tastes, and one picky eater. But she did it, every morning. Your Pop-pop went to work with lunch too. 

Yes, she taught us how to make our own. We learned the basics of spreading mayo, adding lunch meat, and grabbing a side out of the pantry. We could make our own lunch. She made it anyway.

I remember one summer when Grandmom taught us to do laundry. Okay, that only lasted until we ruined one of her dresses. Hey, she taught us on whites and said "add bleach". How was I supposed to know colors were different? We learned how to do laundry. And she did it anyway. I started doing my own when I went to college on my own. 

I remember running errands on day when Uncle Scott and I were younger. My Pop-pop and Mom were in the car. They decided to go out to Friendly's for lunch. Friendly's was an ice cream place. Still is, I believe. I remember Mom and Pop-pop arguing because both of them wanted to pay for lunch. Your Grandmom is a lot like my Pop-pop. 

I wonder if it ever occurred to her that she didn't have to make our lunch. Or that she didn't have to do our laundry. Or sweep the kitchen, vacuum the carpets, make beds, go grocery shopping, cook dinner every night, or any of the other things she did. All of them quiet, behind the scenes. My childhood was unremarkable. And I say that as a compliment. There were so many things I didn't know - bills, mortgages, hunger, because your Grandmom and Pop-pop bore the load. 

They taught us all of these things were coming. Grandmom spent a summer teaching us how to do a budget and play the stock market. It was kind of silly. But I like math so it wasn't all that bad. My point is, even though they did so much, they still prepared us for life. This is what it means to be a mother.

Proverbs 31 describes a woman who makes breakfast for her children. Expands the fortune of her husband. Works from morning until night seeing to the needs of the family. It says that her husband sits in the gates of the city. Do you know why? Because he didn't have to do all of that himself.

A mother's praise comes from her children and her husband. Her value, her worth, is found in her family. When you lose sight of that, when you look for your value outside, from other people, is when you have failed as a mother. I've seen mothers whose children are grown go back into the workforce. The ones who have strength of character make it there too. It isn't that mothers have no talent, it's that they use their talent for their family above themselves. Knowing, trusting, believing that it will be returned to them in ways that only God can.

Five Star Quality

I just wanted to continue our conversation from last night. I'm writing because then you can read it at your own pace. Or just ignore it. Whatever.

We were talking about this not being a 5 star restaurant. One of the books I have - Thou Shall Prosper - was written by a Jewish rabbi. He presents his points as "10 commandments for making money". It makes for a great structure - 10 commandments = 10 chapters. One of the chapters he focuses on the commerce, business, trade being Biblical. He makes the case that human beings have both a physical and spiritual aspect.

This is born out in both the Old and New testaments. We're created beings, but created in God's image. God is spiritual. Our spiritual aspect displays itself in rituals. We eat cooked food, at a table, with utensils. Animals kill it and eat it right there. "Leftovers" means it's been sitting for days and they probably get some flies with the meat.

Animals are physical beings only. Our spirituality comes out in ways we are different from animals - rituals. We say please and thank you. Animals will simply take. We sleep in beds. Animals sleep on the ground. We decorate out caves, I mean houses. Even going to the bathroom has a ritual. You use a toilet. We do something with the waste. Animals just go wherever and whenever. The author's point is that animals have no concept of money or trade. The idea that little pieces of paper can have value to trade for something else is just weird.

These extra things we do come from our spirit exerting control over the world around us. We impose order on a chaotic world. God could have created a perfect universe. One that did everything the right way. And it would have made a pretty picture. But that's all it would have been  - a picture.

Instead, He created a universe that required constant adjustment. That requires someone impose their will in order to make it function correctly. He created us as the conduit for the imposition. Instead of a picture, He created a universe where He interacts. We are His interaction. We are the variation, the creativity. And when our will aligns with His will, the universe responds to it. God brings life. We introduce His life, His creativity, into the world around us.

You're quite right, this dinky little apartment isn't a five star restaurant. I choose to do things nicely anyway. I choose to be creative, to make things more than they are. I like nice things. Not because of the things, not because of what I get, but because it makes something new. Something new to share with someone. I do it not for me, but for the people around me.

This is why you do what you do in the baby section. I'm just trying to draw the parallel between work and home. The difference between them is only in our minds. You are the same person at home as you are at work. We exert the same control for the same reason.

This is about discipline. It's hard. It's tiring. Trust me, I understand. I work too. And I'm tired when I come home. I can't tell you how many nights I have to make a conscious effort to cook dinner. I want to give up too. I want to hide away from responsibility too. Imposing your will on the world takes exertion. And I have such a limited amount of strength. This is the struggle that the Bible describes. Some days, rest is the right answer. Other days, work is the right answer. Telling the difference can be the hardest thing in the world. That's why it's so important that we rely on God.

This isn't at all what I imagined I'd write. But it is where He led me. I hope you enjoyed the journey.

Escape

You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you'll escape one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present.
-- John Green

And what happens when that future never comes? There exists a fine line between escape and endurance.

God never promised me escape. He never promised anyone escape. He promised endurance. The strength to walk through the trials of life. The security of knowing He's there, unhindered.

Escape seems so alluring at the time. I don't believe that bad things happen so we can know good. There was another great quote - The existence of broccoli doesn't change the taste of chocolate. I believe bad things happen, God can make some good anyway. Escape is all about my control.

Endurance, going through the bad, coming out the other side unwavering, is all about God's control. Faith isn't escaping the present. Faith is accepting the present knowing the future is on its way. Think of it like mopping a floor. You don't start at the door and work in. You'll be stuck in the corner until the floor dries.

Likewise, endurance is all about not painting yourself into that corner. Escape never picks up the mop. Endurance mops the floor. Wisdom starts in the corner and works toward the door. We can't escape our present, a broken miserable world. We can endure it.

Examples

I imagined a conversation with my middle daughter (Hi, Lucy. I love you.)  Lucy told me that I withdrew, spending time in my room. Oddly, much like she does now. When I point that out, she says that she learned it from me. I paused at this.

Lucy is my child. As her father, I have a position of authority over her. One in authority can work with, encourage, and even share with those in obedience to them. But they cannot submit. It occurred to me that God, in a position of authority over us, always provided examples of our relationship with Him. How could He exemplify submission without actually submitting?

That's what Jesus did. Several times, He told people that He didn't come to judge. He wasn't here to rule. Jesus never denied that He would rule. It just wasn't time yet. He modeled submission, our relationship with God in this broken world. God provided an example of what we needed now.

Along the same lines, Jesus will be given authority when the time does come. Again, modeling what we need when we need it. Interesting?

Stuff

Matthew 15:1 - 20 tells the story of religious leaders who come to challenge Jesus. And it's on my mind because our pastor taught us on Sunday. Something really stood out to me.

To recap the story, some local village leaders asked for help from the big wigs in the home office. These men came with the express intent of scrutinizing and challenging Jesus' teaching. The visiting leaders observed for a bit. And challenged Jesus about the ceremonial hand washing.

Stephen (our pastor) pointed out that in this day and age, hand washing was pure ceremony. They had no concept of germs or bacteria. You were essentially wasting water in a symbolic gesture - at least to their understanding. Jesus answers them by completely ignoring what they said. Instead, he addresses the ceremonial aspect. Jesus points out one of their own traditions that was routinely used as an excuse to avoid following God's commandment. 

Then Jesus says it is not what goes into the mouth that defiles a man, but what comes out. When asked, Jesus went on to explain that what comes out (words, actions) come from the heart. Sin begins in the heart, not in broken rules. Being someone who thrives on rules, I struggle a bit processing that.

What stands out to me, though, is Jesus' complete disregard for the physical. Nowadays, we realize there were sound health advantages in the kosher diet. God didn't just willy-nilly make up something just for the sake of having laws. And yet despite all of those rules, Jesus basically says that keeping them or not doesn't matter. Sin starts inside.

Paul takes up this theme when he tells us that law only shows us our sin. It can't change us. I see this as one more example of Jesus' disregard for the physical. Imagine being there when God merely spoke and all this stuff sprang into existence. Jesus views the physical as mere words. It took almost nothing to create, and takes just as little to destroy. If you could make something appear by merely wishing, how much would it be worth to you? Gets dented? Shoot, just wish up another. No sweat. That's a glimmer of how Jesus views my stuff.

I have this weird dichotomy of both having my emotions attached with places and things, while simultaneously knowing that only God matters (and by extension, other people). It's strange longing for Him yet "feeling" because some place triggers a reaction. I can't quite wrap my head around the mechanics of that yet.

I come back to the law of entropy - any closed system deteriorates. The universe cannot sustain itself. It will, without fail, breakdown. To have any discussion of forever, you must first accept that there is something outside of the universe creating new energy or stuff. Let's speculate for moment that there is a giant cosmic oneness. We are all a small piece of a larger consciousness.

I'm broken. I'm also fairly sure that if you're reading this, you're broken too. So all the pieces of this consciousness are broken. We're all part of this closed off universe spinning towards its own destruction. Doesn't that include the consciousness too? Isn't it bound by the same limitations as the parts?

In order to be beyond the reach on entropy, one must be outside of the universe. And if one is outside, then the universe is not closed. Still with me. Okay, how does an inert consciousness be bigger than itself? If it is outside the universe, is it not controlling the universe? Then it's not inert, is it?

And that's as far as I got along that line of reasoning. It doesn't feel complete. I'm just not sure where it leads next.

Feelings

I'm having a hard time with this one. I find myself writing about stuff periphery to the point just to distract myself from said point. Did you ever have that child/employee/friend who doesn't want to do what they're supposed to, so they fill their time with everything BUT what they're supposed to do? That's me in this moment.

Gary Chapman's 5 Love Languages has been on my mind. Wondering what mine are. And yes, I said are, not is. Acts of service and physical touch both stand out. Touch is the one I want (or don't want) to talk about.

My thinking brain looks at acts of service. The feeling brain responds to touch. My emotions go crazy when someone new touches me. Hugs, hand on the shoulder, pat on the back. Seriously, anything. Women more than men. This has baffled me for years.

I don't know how to describe it. I can feel it deep inside. I literally freeze up. I used to think I was afraid. But that's not quite right. While it's never comfortable, it quickly come to a point of being non-threatening.

What do I mean? I first picked up on this many years ago. A woman we attended church with was naturally touchy-feely. Our families were in small group together. I still remember the first time she hugged me - like she did all her friends. I think she noticed my reaction, though. She said something about how that's just natural for her. She noticed that it wasn't natural for me. Being me, I had to ask myself why?

The good news is that I did get used to pats on the back or hand on the shoulder. I stopped cringing. Though it still always feels different inside. This strong emotional reaction made me think that my love language was touch.

Then significant things happened around acts of service. I love helping other people. It's encouraging when other folks help me. A deliberate lack of help completely breaks the emotional connection. So why do two separate things matter so much? Yes, I know the book says that some people are bilingual. I wonder why.

Two by Two

I was talking on the "phone" with Vania (video calls aren't really "phone" calls, are they?). I noticed her chewing. She chewed on her shirt. She chewed on the cord for her headphones. I mentioned the chewing to her.

I shared with Vania that I chewed on pen caps. Pens break. Then you just have ink all over your mouth. The caps, however, lasted an entire school year. Granted, it was pretty beat up by the end. The stem flat and about twice as long. The top missing. But the cap was long enough that the pen tip didn't stick out.

My chewing was an automatic reflex. My brain engaged itself processing what the teacher said. Chewing kept the automatic part busy while the thinking part did its thing. Vania is the same way. When she concentrates on something, her automatic brain turns to chewing.

Two brains - automatic and thinking. System 1 and System 2. Two separate but emotional reactions - touch and service. If these two systems don't communicate correctly, can they be having separate reactions? Do they both crave something different to feel love? How odd is that?

There is definitely more to it than that. Service makes good friends. For some reason, intimacy requires touch. When my girls were babies, I used to stroke their hair and cheeks. Vania took to it more than the other two. I think her OCD and autism foster a stronger reaction. Sometimes, when we sit together, Vania absently rubs my cheek. I think I enjoy it as much as she does.

So I'm not sure where to go with this now. Or what to do with it. It's just kind of there, for the moment.

Abundance

On Sunday, our pastor taught on the feeding of the 5,000. It will long be remembered because he had this cool slide showing the relative size of the food available to the crowd. And the projector rebooted just as he got there. For some reason, that made it all the more memorable.

One thing that stood out to me was that he didn't draw an application. This is an amazing event. And Jesus really wasn't teaching anything. Jesus made no specific point. He just fed them. The word that came to my mind was abundant.

Jesus fed all of these people - over 5,000 of them - to the point of unbuckling their belts they were so full. And they still had leftovers! Not just some, but 12 huge baskets of food. We're not talking about bread baskets here. These were large storage bins. In absolutely no way was Jesus giving them just what they needed. He gave them way more than that, without calling any special attention to it.

I was blown away by the extreme nature of Jesus' compassion for these people. He had to let it overwhelm Him to go to these lengths. As someone who struggles with extreme emotions, I feel better realizing that it's not so weird. Jesus is certainly better at controlling them. But in these moments He allows Himself to feel so deeply that He just went wild providing for them. That's the people God created us to be.

Words

I read this great quote once... Words never stay the same. The words never change. But what the words say always change. Sorry, I don't remember who wrote it. The "meaning" behind this miracle changes. God uses the same story as a vehicle for different people at different times. What the words say always changes.

Sometimes I make the mistake of thinking a message means just one thing. Like a good work of art, the beholder and the artist come together bringing their own perceptions, creating something new, something personal. God wrote these words for us. Those words never change. But what they say changes as He breathes His life into them.

Strange

Something strange happened last night. It's actually something that happens a lot. The acute awareness of it was new. And I don't yet know why it stood out.

Deanna and I were shooting the breeze. I was doing something, probably making Vania something to eat. Deanna was cooking the meat for steak sandwiches. It was a good conversation - light, smooth, happy. It felt good. Then I went back to my room for bit while the tater tots finished cooking. And just seconds later I felt all of the energy drain out of my body.

The stark difference amazed me. I felt energized after talking to Deanna. Then it all leaked away. Almost like the crash after an adrenaline rush. What happened?

I have no idea. That's pretty normal for me. After a social event breaks up, I crash emotionally. It's why I don't like parties. You are constantly engaging then disengaging with different groups. It gets tiring very fast.

I think it has something to do with transitions. I always have trouble when conversations come to a close, changing course on what I'm doing because a new problem arose, or even going from work to home. Maybe it's related.

Why?

I ask these question because of Vania. I think Vania has some of the same difficulties. I can't help her without understanding what's happening. On top of that, it's very hard to talk about these things with an autistic 11 year old who has no words for her feelings. Something else she and I have in common.

I have always felt like I can't say how I feel. I used to think I was just afraid. Afraid of being teased, afraid of vulnerability, afraid of being rejected, or whatever else came to mind. Now I wonder if there's something more to it.

I have a good friend that I know, absolutely know, I can talk to freely. And it's still hard. Talking can feel like pushing. Something holds it back. It takes a lot of conscious effort. Unless the emotions are super strong. Like off the scale strong. There seems to be some level I have to reach before they can overwhelm whatever holds them back. 

There isn't anything conscious that causes this. I don't think about it. Just the opposite, in fact. I've talked about system 1 and system 2 before. Whatever happens comes from system 1. And it takes the effort of system 2 to overcome.

Now here's the really difficult part - sometimes system 1 is right. There are times when I need to listen. (I enjoy listening, by the way). In the moment, I have to choose between listening to these nudges and setting them aside. Are they from the flesh (broken body)? Or from the Spirit (God's nudges)? That also takes time. Because of this, conversations become stilted. I guess most people can do this very quickly. Or don't care. I know that I'm slow.

The good news is that it makes me aware of this in Vania. I don't mind our conversations having gaps. Patience is key. And it can be rewarded with knowing a little more about this wonderful girl.

Peace

I stayed home sick today and decided to watch the Wonder Woman movie. In one scene, Dianna's mother tells a story about Zeus and Ares. At one point, the other says that Zeus used the last of his power to strike at Ares. I thought, "God never reached the end of His power."

Drama, intrigue, risk, and conflict seem to characterize most religions of those days. But the Bible describes none of that. Jehova has no drama. There are no close calls. No last ditch efforts. He not only knows what's coming, He set it in motion.

Take the book of Revelation, for example. God is so confident in His plan that He told everyone what it was. And we still can't stop it. He took death - a consequence of disobedience - and turned it into redemption. At no point whatsoever, has anyone ever had any chance of thwarting Him.

The Bible tells a story about a magician named Balaam. A king asked Balaam to curse the Israelites so that he could defeat them in battle. Balaam was riding up to do this. His donkey kept stopping. Finally, in anger, Balaam hit the animal. The donkey turns his head and says "why did you do that?" Yes, the original talking mule. Then Balaam saw what the donkey saw - an angel with a very large sword blocking the way.

Where is the drama with a God who can never lose? Who controls the sub-atomic particles streaming through space? Who sets the course of every energy beam released in a nova? And intricately designed all of them to work together for His own ends? Where is that moment of last ditch effort for a God whose power is unlimited? It's just not there.

Intrigue? Who's going to stand against Him? When He knows every thought and desire we ever have before we do, what plan can you make? Where is the conflict? If no one can hope to fight, then who's in conflict with Him?

As human beings, we like the drama. Courage in the face of defeat. Turning points and moments when it all fails or succeeds. But that isn't the God of the Bible. He grows His kingdom slowly, steadily like a tree. His plans extend hundreds and thousands of years. A nudge here, a gentle brush there. It's quiet. Soft. And always successful.

This is why He promises peace. Anxiety comes when we struggle against this God. And think about it - are you really expecting to win? That doesn't make it any easier to submit. A deep part of us rebels. We want a God who is more like us. Well, then I'm not so bad, am I? But that's not God. For someone so big, so powerful, so full of presence, He works so softly. Taking His time. And finishing what He starts. If I could completely believe He wanted my good. If I could live the truth of what He promises, then I don't need to fight anymore. I like that idea - peace.

The Sidewalk Ends

Where the sidewalk ends and life begins,
There are monsters there.
Flood and famine,
Traps and tall grass.
Where the sidewalk ends and life begins.

It's cold, dark, and frightening.
Things I can't see trying to eat me.
Howls, growls, hisses, and roars to make your skin curl
And hair stand on end. All of these wait
Where the sidewalk ends and life begins.

I don't want to venture out there.
Only to find I've lost my way.
Without the benefit of the light of day.
Where the sidewalk ends and life begins,
There is a harsh and desolate land.
Will You hold my hand?

I Forgot

Something odd happened today. Well, the thing that happened wasn't odd. I found my reaction to it odd - at least in comparison.

I was going to have lunch with a coworker. We do that every so often. Talk about work, life, whatever. She forgot. It happens. And that's what was odd - "it happens". Actually, I had to leave early. She realized that we missed lunch and said something. It was just a simple I forgot or something to that effect. And that was enough.

In contrast, my ex used "I forgot" as the first excuse. It just made me sad, then angry. Why the difference?

I think the difference is trust. I trust my co-worker. I forgot was a statement of responsibility and apology. I know that because, well, we talk. It fits with what I know about her. It's probable.

My brain works weirdly. Or more to the point, I'm more aware of what it's doing. All our brains work on probabilities. You can never know anything with 100% certainty. So we construct mental models of how the world works, how the people around us work. And we interpret every action from the perspective of that model. In other words, you never get a second chance to make a first impression.

I view my co-worker as trustworthy, open, responsible, and willing to accept mistakes. Most importantly, I trust that she really does care about me as her friend. I trust that because she has shown it through acts of grace. Grace is the difference.

Who do you trust in your life? And why?