Childish

In her book Thinking in Pictures, Temple Grandin describes her emotions as childish. Surprise, surprise, I was having another conversation in my head. This is one of the things that really stood out in that book. And by stood out I mean sounded familiar.

I spent the last two days trying to deal with, I guess, depression. I wanted to be alone, eat junk food, and watch TV. Is that the right word for this stuff? Anyway, I always want to understand why I feel the way I feel. What leads up to it? What's the pattern?

I believe this episode came in response to helping a friend. This person had a very difficult week emotionally. A lot of stuff just went wrong all at once. I've learned, in these cases, that I listen and let them draw strength. And I'm glad to do it.

Emotionally, stuff like that brings a high. I assume it's what people mean when they say connection. So I'm going to say that I feel a connection. When the connection breaks, though, the emotional "high" dissipates. Like a sugar rush, there's a crash at the end. The crash is what I'm calling depression.

See, this happens a lot. Even being in a lot of meetings can lead to the same place. Anything that involves people eventually leads to the crash. The depth and/or duration of the connection affects the depth of the crash. The crash seems to be my brain's way of trying to feel again, almost like an addiction.

Does that sound weird - trying to feel? If you can't tell, I think a lot. I spend a lot of my time in thinking mode using system 2.

How It Feels

I believe Vania goes through this too. Dr. Grandin posited that people on the autism spectrum feel and express their feelings in terms of base emotions. For example, some cry because all emotions come out that way. Some get angry. The point is, instead of processing their emotions, the emotions simply become another one. Which other one often depends on up bringing.

I get angry. I think Vania cries. I know growing up I heard how much I needed to control my temper. What I really heard was stop feeling that way. My feelings were bad, because they all came out the same way. I don't want Vania to hear that.

I feel like I'm back at a point in my life where I was many years ago. Only this time, I know at least one path that doesn't work. I just don't know what does work. I can't teach Vania what I don't know.

I do know that I can listen to her. Let her express her feelings in her own way - cry, yell, whatever form it takes. Correct behavior, and make sure that she feels loved.