A Day in the Life

I'm not sure why I'm writing this entry. It's frightening.

I'd like to give you some idea of what I lived with for 22 years. Shortly after getting married, Renee and I went grocery shopping. She told me to go get tomato sauce. Simple enough. My Mom always made her sauce. It was big pot, with the meatballs cooked right on the sauce. What was left went into the freezer. Spaghetti was a big dinner.

Renee meant the cans that say Tomato Sauce on them. I brought back spaghetti sauce. And all she would say is "that's not right." I brought back a different jar. Same thing - "that's not right." No explanation of what to look for, what was different. She just kept telling me to get "tomato sauce." On the third trip I noticed the cans. Then it all made sense. This has always been the pattern.

I remember Renee asking what I thought about her getting her hair cut. I told her that I would prefer she didn't. I remember choosing my words purposefully. I didn't want to be bossy or overbearing. It was only a day or two later that I came home from work to find she had it done. Years later, I realized Renee had already made the appointment.

Words never meant what they mean. Renee chose words she believed I wanted to hear. Then defined them very precisely to be what she wanted. It was manipulation, pure and simple. I remember sitting in Taylor's Student Union while Renee told me what she wrote in her wedding vows. She made a very specific point, for several minutes, about putting in the word obey. She specifically said that's how she wanted our relationship to be.

We talked about what obedience meant. We agreed on those terms. That's what the housework meant to me. Housework is stupid and small. Obedience was important. Rebellion was important. It was never about the housework. It was always about the reasons behind the lack of work.

I remember at two or three times I found out about appointments or some event by accident. Renee insisted that she told me. But those conversations never took place.

Renee had her magic words. These were phrases meant as code for something totally different than what they mean. For example, how was your day meant she wanted to hear herself talk. He said it was all in my head meant the doctor told her something she didn't like.

I've always known that I don't see things like everyone else. I questioned my reality. Did I forget those conversations? Was I wrong for not talking about my day? You have no idea what that does to a person.