Conversations

So something weird happened today. I was discussing with my friend/co-worker some form we were submitting to a client. It was a quick conversation. One of us would begin a thought, and the other finished it.

Now I have a bad habit of trying to prompt people when they pause to think of a word. Not here. I actually finished her sentence. Correctly. The conversation gained an energy as this went back and forth. It was a new experience for me.

In college (oh, so many years ago), I read a book called A Severe Mercy, by Sheldon Vanauken. I remember two things from that book. One, there's a species of goose that mates for life. And two, the author and his wife had a language all their own for communicating. He describes how they developed code phrases for faster or even clandestine communication. I remember thinking how much I wanted a closeness like that.

What struck me the most today was the gap between where I am and there. I mean, this is the first time in my entire life I've ever had a conversation like this. It's still a far cry from what's described.

I wonder in times like this if God gives glimpses of what should be just to keep me going. I'm grateful for it. And for a friend who's taken the time to communicate in ways I understand. God reminds me that I cannot accept the lie that everything I want is wrong.

C.S. Lewis describes us as bent in his trilogy Out of the Silent Planet. Elements of what God created are still present within us. We're off the mark, not completely divorced from it. We still have the desires that He put inside. Those desires aren't wrong. A lot of my own plans to fulfill those desires turn out to be wrong. Wanting it isn't.

I think the turning point really came when I finally accepted that Jesus' blood covers everything. I can approach God with exactly how I feel and what I want. I don't have to get it perfect. In His love, looking at me through His Son, He shows the difference. And He addresses the need - the real need. The real desire. It's amazing how my understanding of what I want changes every time I talk with Him. Layers I didn't even realize were there.

God created us in His image. He is deeper than we can comprehend. We go that deep too. But we are bent. It takes a lot of courage to face those dark layers. And it takes faith to remember, hope, dream that one day they'll be unbent. That God's love, focused through the lens of Jesus' sacrifice, will overwhelm them. And maybe I'll have more stunning conversations.