Thing 1 and Thing 2

So I noticed something this morning - this intense urge to feel. I found myself flailing around in my mind. It's a reaction to feeling disconnected. I start trying anything and everything to get back that feeling of connection.

I automatically go back to things that worked in the past. The problem is, those things worked because the connection already existed. These are things that God asked me to do. And in my flesh, I automatically go back to those things when what I really what is Him. The rationalization goes that if the thing brought Him before, the thing will do it again.

That's so backwards. God rules the thing, not the other way around.

A Bad Reaction

This usually happens after I do something He asks. The process seems to go like this...

1. Wrestle with Him for a couple of days.
2. Do what He asks, while trying to keep in check the urge to overdo it (aka take it away from Him).
3. Reward.
4. Flailing to find that reward feeling all over again.

This should be a period of rest. Yet I find this desire to do something. Odd, I crave relaxation yet when it's here, I find it hard to accept.

Accept, that's the correct word. Totally a control thing. I want to make my own relaxation instead of accepting it as God's gift. Accepting in humility that it isn't mine. How weird.