Strange

Something strange happened last night. It's actually something that happens a lot. The acute awareness of it was new. And I don't yet know why it stood out.

Deanna and I were shooting the breeze. I was doing something, probably making Vania something to eat. Deanna was cooking the meat for steak sandwiches. It was a good conversation - light, smooth, happy. It felt good. Then I went back to my room for bit while the tater tots finished cooking. And just seconds later I felt all of the energy drain out of my body.

The stark difference amazed me. I felt energized after talking to Deanna. Then it all leaked away. Almost like the crash after an adrenaline rush. What happened?

I have no idea. That's pretty normal for me. After a social event breaks up, I crash emotionally. It's why I don't like parties. You are constantly engaging then disengaging with different groups. It gets tiring very fast.

I think it has something to do with transitions. I always have trouble when conversations come to a close, changing course on what I'm doing because a new problem arose, or even going from work to home. Maybe it's related.

Why?

I ask these question because of Vania. I think Vania has some of the same difficulties. I can't help her without understanding what's happening. On top of that, it's very hard to talk about these things with an autistic 11 year old who has no words for her feelings. Something else she and I have in common.

I have always felt like I can't say how I feel. I used to think I was just afraid. Afraid of being teased, afraid of vulnerability, afraid of being rejected, or whatever else came to mind. Now I wonder if there's something more to it.

I have a good friend that I know, absolutely know, I can talk to freely. And it's still hard. Talking can feel like pushing. Something holds it back. It takes a lot of conscious effort. Unless the emotions are super strong. Like off the scale strong. There seems to be some level I have to reach before they can overwhelm whatever holds them back. 

There isn't anything conscious that causes this. I don't think about it. Just the opposite, in fact. I've talked about system 1 and system 2 before. Whatever happens comes from system 1. And it takes the effort of system 2 to overcome.

Now here's the really difficult part - sometimes system 1 is right. There are times when I need to listen. (I enjoy listening, by the way). In the moment, I have to choose between listening to these nudges and setting them aside. Are they from the flesh (broken body)? Or from the Spirit (God's nudges)? That also takes time. Because of this, conversations become stilted. I guess most people can do this very quickly. Or don't care. I know that I'm slow.

The good news is that it makes me aware of this in Vania. I don't mind our conversations having gaps. Patience is key. And it can be rewarded with knowing a little more about this wonderful girl.