Teaching By Example

Lucy and I recently had a conversation about Vania - my youngest. Vania is autistic. That makes her a bit of a challenge at times. And this weekend has had a few of those times...

The Letter

I've been thinking about what you said - how Vania annoys you. And I know you don't like lectures. I was hoping a letter might be more palatable. You can read it at your own pace, or simply ignore it. Our discussion reminded me of a story that Jesus told (Matthew 25).

There was a big land owner. He was going away on business, to sell some of his harvest in a neighboring country. He planned to be gone for a couple of months. So this owner called in his three top supervisors, one at a time. He told them about the trip, gave them some last minute instructions, and then gave them each some money. The first supervisor got $5,000. The second guy received $2,500. And the last guy got $1,000. The owner asked them to manage the money for him while he was gone. Off he went.

Two months later, the owner came home. He had made a decent profit on the trip and was looking forward to hear how his lands were doing. He calls the three supervisors in to give a report. The first man steps forward. he says, "I know that you own a lot of land. You find fruit trees in the wild and harvest from them. You grow crops. You expect every piece of land to produce. So I took your $5,000 and did a little trading in the market place. Now it's $10,000 with the profits."

The owner just had this beaming smile on his face. "That's fantastic!" he said. "I'm going to put you in charge of my biggest plot of land and all the profits from it. Nicely done."

The second man then stepped forward. He said, "I know that you expect hard work and excellence from everyone who works for you. I bought a small business with the money you gave me. Here is $5,000 in profits."

Again, the owner got a big smile and says, "Great work. You took what I gave you and doubled it. I have a couple of farms in the next town that I would like you to oversee. I'm proud of you."

So the last guy steps up. He says, "I know that you expect a lot. There are a lot of ways to lose the money. I was afraid of disappointing you. So I buried it. Here is your $1,000 back."

Now this guy expected praise. After all, he didn't lose the money. Instead, the owner gets angry. "You lazy, evil man! How could you do this? You know what I expect from everyone who works for me! You know that I want every field, every worker to turn a profit. I'm not in business to waste money sitting under the dirt. Your fear is just an excuse for your laziness. You're fired. Get out of my sight." He took the $1,000 and gave it to the supervisor who made $10,000.

Okay, so I took the liberty of modernizing the wording. Same gist. You really have two choices with Vania, continue to let her annoy you or step up and make your time with her profitable. You have considerable talent and great intelligence. Teach Vania. She already knows how to solve problems. Teach her about right and wrong. Teach her new skills to solve her problems on her own. Learn about her. Study her. Most of all, be the person that you want her to be. Vania will follow your example more than your words. Not always, not perfectly. You have the opportunity to invite Vania to be a better person. To take what you've been given and turn a profit.

I also realize that doesn't change the reality that Vania is annoying. She takes a lot of emotional energy. And you already feel empty. Lucy, I can't change Vania and I can't change you. I can listen. You are free to tell me just how annoying she is. You are always welcome to call, talk, write, whatever you like and tell me how you feel. No judgement. No advice. No lectures. If you will trust me enough to talk, I will trust you enough to do the right thing.

When faced with problems, I find it helpful to also talk out potential ideas. If you ever just want to throw out ideas and see what sticks, I can listen to them too. I may even have some that you can take and customize - because you're good at that.

Merry Christmas

Let me ask you something - what was so bad about being born in a stable? I grew up hearing how there was no room in the inn. And it always sounded so horrible that Jesus had to be born in a stable. But why?

Mary and Joseph had been travelling for weeks. They had slept on the ground. Got to Bethlehem in a caravan. So all of a sudden, all these people show up at the motel (inn). Mary is preparing to deliver a baby. For those of you who have seen, it's noisy and messy. Didn't the inn keeper give the only private room he had? 

Normally, the inn might have a few guests at any time. Even now a days, a motel isn't full during off seasons. But this huge crowd just showed up. Could you imagine being the family asked to share your room with someone delivering a baby? The stable was private. No one else was out there. Poor Mary probably didn't want a crowd of people around watching her deliver a baby.

But a stable's dirty! Well, so was the dirt floor most houses had. And guess what people used to fill mattresses? Straw! After spending weeks sleeping on the ground, a bed of straw probably wasn't so bad. It's easy to clean afterwards - because delivery is messy. Yeah, they used a manger as a crib. Why? Because you don't want the baby sleeping on the ground. 

For the day and age, were these accommodations really all that bad? We like to think - ugh, the inn keeper pushed them away. Or was he/she actually trying to help?

Prince or Pauper

Now if you compare Jesus' birth with that of other kings, then yes, His was not what you would expect. His birth was more middle class than royal. It was, well, normal. At least up until God intervened.

The birth of a royal son brought cause for celebration. True, any parent is excited when a child's born. But the first royal son meant an heir. This was the future king. More than just the pride of a parent, it meant continuity of government. The king represented law, order. 

I'm thinking of the king's highway in Tolkein's Lord of the Rings trilogy. One of the books talks about how it was well traveled when a king sat in Minas Tirith. The king had patrols that walked the road and kept it safe from robbers and bandits. Without a king, you had to defend yourself and travel with caution. 

The king didn't patrol the road himself. He probably didn't even know the people who did it in his name. What the king did was organize all of those people. He set the standard of expected behavior and watched for deviants. We call it law and justice. Having an heir means avoiding a bloody fight over who gets to be king next.

That's the message the angels brought - an heir is born! In those times, the son carried on the family business. He inherited from the father. This is the picture the angels painted calling Jesus the Son of God. Jesus was the heir apparent. And His life was preparation for His inheriting what was God's.

Inheritance

The Bible refers to Satan as ruler of this world and prince of the air. It also describes Jesus as king of all creation, which, last time I checked, included this world. Now look at how each of these went about getting the same thing. Satan took it. He used deceit, manipulation, and pain. He struck back at God because God wouldn't do what Satan wanted. If he didn't get his way, then he would hurt God. Satan wasn't helping Adam and Eve. He was purposefully hurting them to hurt God.

Jesus obeyed. Surrendered His glory, stepped out of eternity and allowed Himself to be limited by space and time. Then, in the end, let Himself die. And His only reason was because God asked Him to. For His obedience, God gave Jesus that authority.

Satan took. Jesus received. Satan bases his kingdom on pain and destruction. Jesus built something new through love, humility, and grace. This is the kingdom that He promised. This is what God was celebrating, what we celebrate, at Christmas. Inheritance. A gift - not from death but a reward for life. To make more life.

Forever

I can't imagine what it was like stepping into time. From looking at "forever" as if it was a picture into being caught in it. Never knowing exactly what was coming because you just can't hold that anymore. Where you have to experience everything one moment at a time. 

We're born this way and it seems "normal" to us. Yet it isn't. You know, I have times when I feel a struggle inside but nothing's happened to struggle over. Then it could be hours or days later "the other shoe drops". And I can feel the uncertainty slip away. The uneasiness goes away as everything seems to click into place. What happened caused dis-ease earlier. I wonder if that's how the spiritual works? The spiritual battle takes place before it manifests in the world.

So I say that to point out that even we human beings experience the spiritual. We can know that what is in this world isn't all there is. We spend a lot of time and effort either trying to find that something or avoiding it. This is the struggle that Jesus stepped into.

A Brave New World

I've been thinking a lot about hell, forgiveness, fruit of the Spirit, and survival of the fittest. Sorry, these things come in a particular order in my brain. By the time I get to write them down, it's a bit jumbled.

Hanging on the cross, Jesus uttered some pretty famous words... Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing. Let me ask you something - was Jesus forgiving all of their sin or a specific one? Remember, His death had been part of God's redemptive plan from the get go. Sin usually involves us distorting God's plan for our own self. Yet these men were fulfilling that plan. Was Jesus forgiving them because their sin accomplished God's end?

I hope this isn't merely academic. Jesus has chosen to accept the consequences of my sin. Of the sins for everyone that God's chosen. But not anyone else. I find this helps me question the nature of forgiveness.

In other passages, Jesus stated that He trusted the One who judges righteously - aka God. I take this as implying that forgiveness does not acquit one from judgement. My forgiveness relates solely to my relationship with another person. If I trust God's judgement, then I don't need to execute my judgement, right? So, is it an integral part of forgiveness to ask God to also acquit them from judgement?

Ready Player One
Somehow, I always end up thinking about the movie Ready Player One. MMORPGs exemplify survival of the fittest. Might makes right. The one with the gold makes the rules. This is what Paul meant when he said that the law only brings death.

Darwin saw survival of the fittest because it's true. That's the law of the flesh. It's selfish and destructive. But like Qui-gon Jinn points out in The Phantom Menace, there is always someone bigger and stronger. People who live by survival of the fittest will find themselves facing the ultimate power - God. What will they say when they stand in front of the Creator of the universe - the One who set atoms and quarks in motion, who commands the path of a black hole, and understands every thought they've ever had.

What will their strength buy them? All of their excuses evaporate. All of the justifications disappear as the full weight of guilt and shame comes crashing down. Could you really stand the sudden realization of everyone that you hurt, ever in your life? How your pride hurt your own grand children and great grand children? Every atom out of place because you failed will fall on your shoulders. Imagine God sitting there, totally still as you spit out every excuse you can possibly think of. And all He has to say - "but I'm still sending You to Hell".

A Very Different Judgement
Jesus offers us a very different scenario. I still see the same things. And all of that same guilt, because let's face it, I'm not perfect (quite an understatement, isn't it?). And it all disappears. Because Jesus accepted my guilt. I don't need to feel it anymore. So instead of facing God's judgement, I face Jesus' judgement.

Jesus doesn't judge for punishment. His judgement is reward. Jesus isn't seeking retribution against my sin, He is looking to share the great love that God feels towards Him. He is defining my place in His world. Even now, the thought jumps into my head "yeah, but He'll just make me a janitor because of everything I've done". That's not true.

Might someone be a janitor? Sure. And they'll be the janitor who learns how to use insects for cleaning up messes. Or studies different chemical solutions for recycling waste. My point is, there are no low positions in His world. Jesus knows the One who sees where all of this is going. And He is positioning us, me, in a way that gets us there. God creates. God brings life. And everything He asks of me will always create more life. There is no low position. And a billion years from now, it won't be the same place where I started.

God is love. Love brings life, joy, peace, kindness, faithfulness, and patience. As God pours His love into Jesus, Jesus pours it into us, and we pour it into the world around us. Survival of the fittest goes away. Survival is granted by God, not us. And as every person, animal, and microscopic particle follows His command, He creates something beautiful.

This is what Jesus offers. This is the world that I want to see. This is hope.

She'll Rub Off on You

I really love it when I read something in a book and then come across a Bible verse that says the same thing, but in a way I hadn't thought about it before. This synchronicity God uses to teach me always leaves me awestruck.

I'm reading How to Hug a Porcupine, by Julie Ross, M.A.. In one chapter, she tells a story about this neighbor she knew growing up. He and his wife had no children of their own. And they were super friendly to the kids who lived around them. The man would take care of his yard. In particular, he enjoyed trimming the trees. She would see him stroke the leaves when he was done with a section, admiring their beauty. Every time, his wife would tell "be careful, don't fall off the ladder". She watched from inside nervous about him climbing around.

Over the years, the man stopped trimming the trees. The author saw a tree service come by and do the work. It was slow at first, then became more frequent. Many decades later, after his wife had died, she asked this man why he stopped. It was obvious how much he loved the trees. He explained that his wife's nervousness about climbing the ladder rubbed off on him. Her point to this story was that we "rub off" on our children as we raise them.

The verse was from Proverbs - as iron sharpens iron, so does one man sharpen another. I've often heard this presented as making someone better. A sharpened knife is way better than a dull one. This time I saw it in a different light. The author of Proverbs was making the same point as the other story - we rub off on each other.

This is the nature of relationships. Not strong enough. This is the purpose of relationships. Every relationship changes us. So how are you changing the people around you? Because you will rub off on them. And they on you.

Then, in a triple whammy, it hits me that this is what Jesus meant when He talked about fruit. In Matthew, Jesus explains that we can know His followers by their fruit. Good trees have good fruit. Bad trees produce bad fruit. I tend to think of fruit as the results of ones actions. Actions come from character. Character is built by relationships. Fruit really comes down to how we rub off on the people around us. Are they better because of our presence?

Sorry, I'm still fleshing this out in my brain. This chain of reasoning started with Dave Ramsey saying that personal finance is 20% knowledge and 80% behavior. Turns out that 100% of behavior is character. And character comes from relationships. Your friends not only reflect who you are, they help make you who you are going to be.

"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom" - also from Proverbs. This is what Jesus meant by good tree bears good fruit. God is huge. Bigger than anything we can imagine. I think of Douglas Adams' description of space in the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series. Then double that. And you're still not even close to the size we're talking about here. If human relationships rub off on you, imagine what a relationship with God can do. We're talking about dropping the Pacific Ocean on a thimble.

Our problem is shame, guilt. God is sinless. As He rubs off on us, His attitude toward sin becomes our attitude. The problem is, I'm one of those sinners. And if I look at myself through His eyes, I could never stand the sight. I'm ashamed now, just about other people knowing. If I really, truly understood God's attitude, I wouldn't function. It's that bad.

And that is why Jesus is so important. Because of Him, I don't need to be ashamed. When God finally restores His relationship with me the way it was intended at the beginning, Jesus is the one who will keep God's perfection from crushing me under the weight of guilt and shame.

Okay, I strayed a little off topic. Think about the people in your life. How do they rub off on you? What seeds are they planting? Love, joy peace, faithfulness, patience, forgiveness, courage? Or is it fear, resentment, laziness, excuses, and rationalizations? This is their fruit. Is it a crop that the farmer is thrilled to have and brings him profit? Or is it a blight, suitable for the trash heap, not even good enough for the pigs? Which one am I?

A Little Time

This week's song has been Only Jesus, by Casting Crowns. There's a line that says I've only got one life to live. I usually feel like that's used to convey a sense of urgency. And I was thinking today that, yes, I only have one life. But it's eternal. So yes, one life. But boy, is it ever long!

What if one life means just my life? I only have my life to live. The song continues about making every second of our life point to Jesus. My weird brain prefers this second interpretation in light of that. I only have my life to live. And my life should reflect Him.

The other thing on my mind this week is the parable in Matthew 18:21-35. Have you ever felt like the ruler? You model, teach, and lead and it has no effect. If you've raised teenagers, you probably know what I'm talking about. At some point, is it the right thing to stop trying?

And somehow these two things led me to wonder about pre-destination. Pre-destination is the idea that God chose the people He would save. How does that reconcile with the fact that we also have a free will?

Time gets in the way again. I can't help but think of my life in terms of past, present, and future. Without time, I've already made the choice. Free will means that it is a choice. And God already sees it. He saw birth, choice, death, and everything after as one single moment. In a sense, I've lived my one life. I just don't know it all yet.

Cycles

I was thinking about where Jesus says I'm the Way, the Truth, and the Life. No one comes to the Father except through me. Life comes from God. We turn back towards Him as we learn the truth about ourselves. And Jesus shows us that truth.

Most of us find the Way when we've reached a low point. When you realize that you can't do it, it makes one more willing to accept help. And He tells us a truth about ourselves, our sin, and who we are. Truth is rarely comfortable. Sometimes, it's even downright painful. But accepting the truth helps us grow. And growth means life.

With my preference for lists, I first thought of this as a sequence. You know, step 1, step 2, step 3. I'm not so sure that's right. It's more of a cycle. Different people come into the cycle at different places. Some people face a Truth. Others come looking for Life. And some come to the Way first.

I once read a comparison of a death spiral and a flywheel. The death spiral occurs when a plane spins out of control. When the spin first starts, there is a chance of recovery. At some point, it builds past the point of no return. Hence the name.

A flywheel is a heavy wheel. It takes a lot of energy to get it started. But once it's going, it only takes small pushes to keep it spinning. This particular author made the point that these are both cycles. One cycle is, well, deadly. The other is useful. You want the useful cycle, if that wasn't obvious.

That's why I talked about the Way, the Truth, the Life as a cycle. Jesus was telling us the positive cycle. Where you start doesn't matter. Getting it going does. We were designed to live our lives in cycles. Day and night. Summer, autumn, winter, and spring. Businesses go through cycles. Families go through cycles. Cycles use the familiar to bring us the unfamiliar. A little bit of what we know helps us face new things that we don't know.

We grow over time. Cycles become familiar. And we introduce new elements to keep it alive, fresh, and rewarding. Growth. Being more tomorrow than we are today. Now that's a life worth living.

Distraction

In the car, on the way to Vania's choir, it occurred to me that God created us for distraction. And, ironically, I got distracted from writing.

So my thinking goes like this... God created us. He knows how our brains work. He intentionally created our brains to work this way. Jesus told us that the kingdom of heaven is made of people who are child-like (trusting, full of wonder and mystery, curious, learning, growing). We're fallen, broken people. We've twisted what God gave us.

Rockhouse Center bases their counselling on the idea (fact?) that addiction comes from dis-ease, a discomfort in our soul. Addictions are a result of our own attempt to distract ourselves from this discomfort. Our body, brain, can't resolve the conflict. So it finds some way to ignore it. After all, if we pretend that it's not there, then we never have to deal with it.

This distraction takes many forms. The most egregious being substance abuse. But it also includes Facebook, shallow relationships, dysfunctional families, blabbering, complaining, work, and just about anything that we use to take our minds off our own pain.

Here's the problem - distraction doesn't solve anything. Morphine may take the pain away. But the cancer will still kill you. Lack of pain is not the same as healed. You have to know what's wrong before you can fix it.

I do a lot of fixing in my job. And that's one thing I'm sure my manager doesn't like hearing. I have to know the problem before I can fix it. Symptoms are not the problem. Symptoms point me in the direction of the problem. (side note... I have a great manager who understands this and lets us fix the underlying causes when it's appropriate).

Our problems boil down into spiritual needs not being met. The discomfort we feel is a constant struggle between our body and our spirit. The body wants to solve our spiritual problems. Does that sound ridiculous? It is. And that's why distractions never work.

We allow our bodies this control because our spirit does not submit to God. Our spirits aren't big enough to control the universe. Shoot, my spirit can't even control my body, let alone anything else outside of me. And this is  why my distractions fail.

But I started this entry with the premise that God created us to be distracted. He built into us this mechanism that ignores repeatable events. Then He created a sun that rises every day and food that grows for us. And still asks us to be thankful. Doesn't that seem a little weird?

Something in my head isn't right. I notice differences that a lot of other people have learned to ignore. I'm a slow learner 😊. Believe me, it is annoyingly distracting. My kids often wish I didn't notice these things. It comes off as being a perfectionist. It's not about perfection. I want to ignore those things. Why? Because there are so many other, more important things to notice.

God created this huge, vast, universe just chock full of mysteries and beautiful things. There is always more. We learn to ignore the mundane because He always intended us to see the more majestic things that He's done. We ignore the sun rising and instead look at the black hole millions of light years away and wonder why it's there. What mysteries did God hide inside?

When distracting myself from pain, I am trying to take something away. When distraction lets me see God's greatness, it is filling me. See the difference? One distraction takes away. The other adds to. Distraction isn't bad. It was, as everything God created, intended for more. What are you distracting yourself from, or to?

Short and sweet

I've been picturing this conversation. A woman is talking with her friend. Her friend asks her "What's the most frustrating thing about your husband?" The woman thinks for a second and replies, "He has this uncanny ability to see my true motives." Her friend gives her a puzzled look. The woman continues, "When we fight, he sees the things running under the surface. These are things that I am trying to distract myself from. And he pulls them right back front and center."

"It took a while, but we've worked out a system. When that happens, I say I'm not ready to look at that yet. And he knows that I'm really asking for strength, not introspection. So he listens. And he's very good about listening."

"When we're done, then it's my turn. I tell him how much it meant that he listened. How I appreciate him walking along side me. And we share a moment."

"Wow", says the friend. 

"But it can't stop there," the woman continues. "I do have to face myself. Usually the next day, we sit down and talk about those things that I didn't want to face. They can't go unresolved. It's funny how much easier it is, though."

Spectacularly Medicore

Lucy, Deanna, and I were watching an episode of House. You know, the TV drama about medical mysteries. I think this is like the third time I've gone through the series. I'm actually starting to remember how some of the cases pan out.

That's not the point. This episode is from the early seasons. A partially paralyzed jazz musician goes into the hospital with pneumonia. The musician has been told the paralysis comes from ALS. House thinks that it's something else. Towards the end of the episode, House is yelling at Foreman. He says something to the effect...

What you did was great. Wrong, but great. You took a chance and did something great. You should feel great that you did something great. You should feel crappy that it was wrong.

To me, this sums up the difference between mediocrity and excellence.  Mediocre people feel bad that something didn't go their way. Excellent people feel bad that they did something wrong. Still confused?

The word I associate with this is intentionality. Make a choice. Do something because you choose to do it. The reason doesn't matter. You believe that it's right and you act on that belief. You intentionally decide to follow one course over another, fully accepting responsibility for the consequences if it's wrong.

Just saying that you thought it was right isn't enough. Too many times that's used as a cop out- well, I thought it was right so I'm not to blame for it being wrong. Yes, you are. Believing that something is right doesn't change the fact of it being right or wrong. Denying the fact that it was wrong is also wrong. And it's just another way of shifting the blame, avoiding responsibility.

Queue the Bible Reference

You had to know it was coming 😀. Jesus talked about this when He said don't be afraid. Paul says boldly approaching the throne of grace. Choose, believe, and act - trusting in the truth that God is bigger than our mistakes. Even when I'm wrong, He knows and has the power to redeem my mistakes. Don't be afraid. Don't let the fear of being wrong paralyze you. Or push you into the safe choice because, well, you might look bad.

Now don't get me wrong. I am not advocating reckless behavior. Actions have consequences. You still have a responsibility to the people affected by those consequences to make an informed decision. This is not an excuse for rashness. Consider the costs. Use the information at your disposal. Get more if needed. Then choose, believe, and act.

As much as the Bible talks about faith, it never asks for blind faith. In the book of Romans, Paul talks about God calling people. He reaches out to us, in real, tangible ways. Yes, I accept that what He tells me is true - because He told me. But it's not blind.

When I make a wrong decision, I feel bad that is was wrong. I feel bad that my wrong decision had consequences on someone else's life, though hopefully minimal. Feeling bad is what drives me to learn how to not make the same mistake again. Shame is not an evil emotion - when it drives us to fix the problem.

Wallowing in shame is bad. Accepting shame for someone else's wrong decision is bad. Like pain, shame signals that something is wrong. And like pain, when it overwhelms us, we make more bad decisions. The shame becomes the object of our focus. We're intentional about removing the pain. And lose sight of fixing the problem.

And this is why Jesus described His relationship with God as I am in Him, and He is in me. Jesus ran every decision by His Father. Every single one. And went where the answer led Him. He never doubted God's love or power. Don't be afraid of being wrong. And still be aware that it happens. Live for excellence. God dreams big. Especially when He dreamed of you.

A Stitch in Time

Read a quote the other day about how much time affects our perception. Actually, the person was trying to explain how ignoring time changes our perspective. I remember that Jesus spoke a lot about eternal life. It was a cornerstone of His message - the really good thing that God gives. So how would your life change if you lived forever?

If you can't starve to death, are you worried about putting food on the table? If you don't need to buy food, why rush to work in the morning? Cool, huh? I never realized how much of my life is defined by the march of time. Thinking ahead, plans - these are the things that I do. Forever just makes them look so small. And less of a burden.

Now let's really blow your mind. Imagine time from God's perspective. The idea that all of this forever has already happened. He is looking at the end result - a final, static, snapshot of the finished product. Time doesn't matter.

Trapped in this world as I am, I see cause and effect. I see change. I see this thing that flows from one moment to the next and I can't look forward. I have enough trouble looking back 😊. God sees it all as one. When He says I forgive you, He means all of it. From the beginning of time to the end. This caught me by surprise.

We ask for forgiveness as something happens. I see these events as discrete, single points in time. God doesn't. When Jesus died, when He paid the price and God accepted His sacrifice, He already saw everything I still haven't done yet. That hurts my brain. His acceptance was already knowing exactly who I was and what I would do. His forgiveness came in one moment, and it covered every moment. He forgave all of it. I wonder if He even sees each little sin as something separate?

The Bible talks about how God set all things in motion. He told each and every atom how it would spin and what other atoms to bind with. We say natural law. It's God's software - His instruction set for His creation. He put these things in place, but never stepped away. Because He put every moment in place. God created a picture and called it forever. We see pieces of the picture unfolding and think of it as something to control. He sees it as a done deal and something to enjoy.

God created us in His image. Some part of us understands this dichotomy of time. Even trying to think this through, I can feel the struggle. My brain can't wrap itself around this idea. And my soul is jumping up and down screaming yes, yes, yes. Jesus was the perfect balance. His body submitted to His spirit. So these two completely different points of view resolved themselves, bridging the gap. He can approach God because He understands God. He can hold onto us because He also understands us.

How awesome is that - to know the one person who successfully perfected the spiritual?

Avatars

A friend and I have been discussing the movie Ready Player One. I really enjoy the weird rabbit holes that her brain goes down. They're always interesting. She turned the movie around a bit. Imagine, she says, a world where your avatar reflects who you really are, and not the fake persona projected in the real world. If you're really a devil, in this virtual world you would be a devil and act like a devil.

I'm not sure I like this idea. I know the dark places in my soul. Well, that's not totally honest. I know some of them. And the fact that there are even darker places scares me. But this weekend, I started to wonder if that's really what she's looking for. My friend made another comment - about being anonymous in this virtual world. So the things you do no one knows that it's you. I get the sense that what she's really looking for is a place to let go.

This is really the same desire that drives me to withdraw. A safe place where you don't fight anymore. Where this constant struggle between who you are and who you should be goes away. I get tired of the fight. It's easier to just let go, be who you are, and stop fighting. I don't like the person that I am.

That didn't come out right. There's a story about an old American Indian chief sitting with his grandson. He tells the grandson, "There are two wolves inside of every man. One wolf is peace, love, happiness, gratitude, kindness. The other wolf is jealousy, fear, vengeance, all the evil things in this world. These two wolves are constantly at war. Each tries to kill the other." The grandson thinks for a moment then asks, "Grandfather, which wolf wins?" His grandfather replies, "The one that you feed."

This story is what I see in my friend's comments. A war, to the death, of these two people inside us. And the war never stops. Not until one of them dies. Just like any other exertion, it is so very tiring. As human beings, we have this dichotomy always inside of us. A selfish part that looks out for me. And another that sees other people. One part full of excuses, self justification, resentment, turmoil. And this other part that wants to bring harmony, peace, and joy. They are strong. They are circling. And always in this brawl for the deepest parts of who we are inside.

How appealing is a virtual world where you just let that selfish wolf out? Stop fighting and just let it run wild? Feed him. Because he'll stop hurting us if we just feed him enough, right? I think that's the saddest part - he won't. The truth is that wolf never has enough. We are his food. This is the very nature of addiction. It always wants more, until it destroys everything. And just like in the movie, you spend all of your time on Facebook - oops, sorry, I meant to say in the virtual world. 

A Real Place

Okay, that wasn't quite where I expected this to go. I believe that my friend is going to get her wish. That one day we will be part of a world where the real us, the deepest secrets of who we are, will be manifest around us. In churchy circles, we call them heaven and hell.

What's going to happen at the final judgement? All of our actions, motives, and desires laid bare. Imagine standing before a God who knows not just your reasons, but the exact neurons that fired in your brain because of those reasons. You can't lie to Him. You can't hide what was done when no one was looking. There are no excuses. No justification. Who you are, the wolf that you fed, will stare you in the eyes. And you will fully be the person that you are.

This is why the apostle Paul talks about transformation. A change of who we are. The struggle happens because the change isn't complete. This is the hope that Jesus offers. When the judgement comes, when we see ourselves as God sees us, He will finish the change. The struggle ends. One of the wolves dies. One of them wins. And the person everyone sees will be the person that I am inside.

The Worth of a Woman

So a friend at work was telling me a bit about Indian/middle Eastern culture. The subject of dowries came up. In the family she knew, they took pains to pay equal dowries for each daughter-in-law. Apparently, the size of the dowry affected your worth in the family. The person we were discussing made the comment I'm worth more than that. I think that's what struck a cord - how this woman valued herself by what someone gave her.

I have to admit that I don't fully understand the idea of a dowry, or its original purpose. Sorry, I grew up in suburban America. What it did was start me thinking about how I would value a wife. What makes her worth?

I think of Proverbs 31:10-31 as the gold standard. Verse 12 sums it up nicely - ...does him only good and not evil all the days of her life. The chapter describes a manager. A woman who manages her household. She has business acumen to consider large purchases. Sets people in motion doing the chores and getting things done. Takes pride in how her house runs, in her accomplishments. She values her family.

Generosity, preparation, planning, integrity - even her children recognize these. They key here is an emphasis on the spiritual. Beauty is important. Don't get me wrong, beauty is nice. Sorry ladies, men really do appreciate a nice looking woman. The odd thing is, a woman who values her spirit will look nice anyway.

See, integrity means that character affects everything. When you take care of stuff, you will naturally take care of yourself. The human brain assigns value by combining several factors into a single point. For example, when you go to the store, you experience both satisfaction and dissatisfaction. Your brain automatically combines these two feelings into one. It weighs them both, like waves converging, and produces a single feeling. You experience this as feeling good or bad about the visit.  If you think about it, though, you could express both good and bad elements of the visit.

Feelings are singular. Thought can be complex. When a husband looks at his wife, he measures both her character and her beauty. Here's the thing - the brain doesn't measure satisfaction and dissatisfaction equally. One is weighted higher than the other. A woman of poor character needs a lot of beauty to make up the difference. And she better keep that beauty. Because when it goes, there is nothing left on the satisfaction side of the equation.

Character stays forever. Beauty changes all the time. I lost 50 pounds. Of course, I gained them first. Grey hair creeps in. Your body changes. It's inevitable. And one day, you will get sick. Trust me, beauty is the last thing on your mind when you're in pain. But the person you are inside is always there.

Value

Along these lines, I've been thinking how value is imputed. Value is given. You cannot take value. You do something, be someone, that another person considers valuable. They give value. You don't deserve it. You are not entitled to it. The corollary is that your value depends on someone else.

We have this innate fear of things we cannot control. You cannot control your value. Let that sink in a second. You have no control over your own value. Does that frighten you? It scares me.

We want some right answer. A formula that if we do this thing, then we get what we want. The Bible paints a very different picture. God values the person we are, not the things we do. He talks about righteousness, wisdom, and a love that leads us to obedience. Looking for God through rules always fails. 

He does this on purpose. Rules give us control. If the law justified, then we control whether we obey it or not. We can take our value. Remember that I said value is given? Control rests in the hands of the giver. God controls Your value. So what do you have that He finds valuable? Who are you that He values you?

Rain Drops, continued

So my last post was about a song. And it sounded pretentious. Way too negative. There is this great song, and I picked out one line. Every other word is true. The song has a great message. So why complain about one line?

Bad writing. Sorry, I'm not perfect. I still stand by the message - trials aren't mercy in disguise, God's mercy is so big that it comes through the trials. But it doesn't mean the song is wrong. God also asks us to do hard things. And I don't think that will change.

Remember how God sees all of eternity as a single, still moment? He sees all of these things that He has for us to accomplish. Because of our perception of time, we see that He asks us to do things. He sees exactly how it plays into those great things. We have to catch up. So yes, His mercies come through difficulties.

The difference lies between difficulty and suffering. Suffering comes from sin. Mine, yours, someone else's. Doesn't really matter. Difficulty comes because, well, things are hard. Muscles grow when you work them. We grow as God works us. Just because something is difficult doesn't mean that it's bad. Things that hurt your feelings aren't necessarily insults.

God shows mercy when He takes suffering and turns it into difficulty. No good comes from suffering. Sin always leads to death. God is too big, too loving to accept that. He redeems suffering by infusing life. And they become difficulties that bring us closer to the person He sees us to be. That's a great message for a song, don't you think?

Rain Drops

So the song Blessings by Laura Story caught my attention. There's a line in the chorus - maybe Your blessings come through rain drops, maybe Your healing comes through tears. It reminds me of Paul's statement in Romans 6 - should we continue in sin and practice sin as a habit so that grace may increase and overflow? Paul spent the preceding chapters showing how God's grace was more than the depths of our sin. In chapter 6, he addresses the notion that sin is necessary for grace.

I think God's blessings come in spite of the rain drops. His mercy in spite of the tears. Hear me out for a second. God is the same, yesterday, today, and tomorrow. If His grace is so great, wouldn't it be just as great if we never sinned? If He is the same, wouldn't He show the same love, mercy, and grace? Think about filling a hole with dirt. You dig a hole, then put the dirt back in. What if you never dug the hole and still put the dirt there? You end up with a cool pile of dirt. Didn't you love climbing piles of dirt as a kid?

God is a creator. Every act He performs brings life. That is His nature. In our sin, we take control away from Him. And in spite of that, He still brings something good out of it. Redemption is an act of creation - creating good from something that isn't. Redemption is God's way of showing us that no matter what we do, He is still bigger than we are. He will always have His way. We can scheme. We can fight. We can go to the mats and destroy everything. It is never enough that He cannot make something new, something good from it. 

His blessing come even when the rain falls, not because of the rain. His blessing come when the sun shines. We just don't see it as clearly. Contrast has a way of making things stand out. 

Working Like a Mule

Today's Bible reading came from Psalm 32. Verse 9 caught my attention.

Do not be like the horse or like the mule which have no understanding, whose trappings include bridle and rein to hold them in check, otherwise they will not come near you.

I'm deathly afraid of writing this next sentence - so I'm just going to do it. It reminded me of my ex-wife. You've met people like this. They just won't do the right thing unless you force them to do it. It really drives me crazy. I have a hard time fathoming that. You're supposed to do the right thing because it's the right thing.

I've talked before about going too far in the other direction. Where everything became about rules and regulations. And it took God's teaching to understand that those rules can't replace Him. I still have to be very specific when I ask Vania to do some task. She has limited understanding because of her brain development. And I am so thrilled when she does something beyond it.

Deanna and Lucy are another matter. I expect a much higher level of understanding. I think this is what the New Testament refers to as maturity. Too often, I think of maturity as being less naive. I'm questioning that today. What if maturity means understanding? That endless thirst to learn more.

King Solomon, in Proverbs, said the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. At that point, he assumed that you want wisdom. That wisdom is something worth pursuing. We are designed with an infinite capacity to learn.

I'm not just talking about memorization. We've taught monkeys and dolphins memorization. I'm talking about deep learning. Not just facts, but reasons, lessons. Understanding is the point where learning changes your life. A horse can be led and will follow. But set them loose, and all of that goes away. They will naturally revert to their wild natures.

That's a sad thing to watch in a human being. Paul calls this the fruit of the flesh. God's very first command was rule over the earth and subdue it. The spirit subdues the flesh. It is the bridle and rein that leads the horse. God's Spirit leads my spirit. My spirit leads my flesh. Understanding is the mechanism that changes raw facts about the world into a spiritual action.

What are your thoughts?

Yield

I came across this quote yesterday and wanted to do a follow up to Humilty.

History does not record in its annals any lasting domination exercised by one people over another, or different race, of diverse usages and customs, of opposite and divergent ideals. One of the two had to yield and succumb. (Jose Rizal)

That's marriage. You have two different people, coming from divergent backgrounds, working towards different goals. How do people stay married for 50 years? One succumbs to the other. Paul and Peter use words like submit and obey. It's the same concept.

The book of Ruth tells the story of this young woman who follows her foreigner mother-in-law back home. Ruth, the main character, tells her mother-in-law...

...where you go, I will go, and where you love, I will live. Your people will be my people, and your God, my God.

Ruth yielded or succumbed to the traditions, expectation, and customs of her mother-in-law's neighbors. Every lasting relationship requires submission. One person yields to the other. Submission requires humility.

That's it. Short and sweet.

Humility

I once read that anger was the only emotion without an opposite. Today, I'm thinking the opposite is humility, which is not an emotion. And I find that, in itself, an interesting mystery.

Proverbs warns to placate the king's wrath. Paul instructs wives to win over husbands through service and submission. And Jesus fulfilled God's wrath by humbly accepting responsibility. As weird as it seems, humility is the answer to anger.

What made me think of it? Lucy once told me that when I got angry, she was afraid I would hit her. It was a rational for defiance - a passive aggressive defiance. I made her afraid so she is justified in holding a grudge. And you know what? That makes me even angrier.

So I asked myself why. Why did it make me angrier? I'm funny that way - always wanting to find the root cause. As I think about my emotions, I started to see patterns. I respond to the people around me. I used to think that I was reactive. When people panic, I am at my calmest. When no one else panics, I can. When a friend is sad, I want to respond with empathy. These are all negating feelings. The opposite of what everyone around me feels. My emotions are so very much controlled by the people around me. Even knowing that it happens, I can't stop it.

But anger is different, sort of. If the anger starts with you (you angry at me), I look to calm it. If I'm angry and you respond with anger, then it's like combining two waves. They become one much bigger wave. Not a recipe for peace. Defiance is anger in disguise. So not only is there anger, now throw a layer of deceit on top. And a bad situation just went totally south.

What do I want when I'm angry? I want acknowledgement. Acknowledgement that you really did something wrong. Take responsibility, even when you mess up. And that takes humility. Humility to accept that you really do deserve the anger.

It's all about power. Anger gives the illusion of control. When anger responds to anger, you end up with two people fighting for control. We call that war. When one person accepts the anger as a legitimate feeling, there's no nothing to fight over, is there? Humility puts control in the other person's hands. It says you're right and justified in being angry. You can choose to continue or stop. Defiance is about making the other person stop. Humility can ask them to stop, but leaves the choice in their hands.

You see, I know that anger should never be in control. Humility puts the choice in my hands to act out of love or hate. And something in my brain, as messed up as it may be, trips. Now that I have to choose, some other part steps in. I have to think. Anger comes from system 1. Humility engages system 2.

Why am I writing this? Lucy will get married one day. And I guarantee, her very human husband will get angry with her. She can't stop that from happening. She can control her response. So I hope that she reads this and chooses to practice humility. And when she needs the muscle (character), it's already there. Here's lookin' at you, kid.

Escape

You will find peace not by trying to escape your problems, but by confronting them courageously. You will find peace not in denial, but in victory.
-- J. Donald Walters

I came across this quote over the weekend and it struck a chord. It's amazing how hard we try to escape our problems. Believe me, I'm not immune to it. That temptation to just make it go away.

Vines pop into my mind. Jesus talks about fruit. We bear fruit. The good ground brings a hundred fold increase from one seed. A good tree grows good fruit. Bad trees grow bad fruit. We know other people by their fruit. But what is fruit?

Is it the actions we take? The words that we say? I don't think so. I grew up thinking fruit meant behavior. But I don't think that's quite right. Actions are amoral - neutral. Good and evil comes from something deeper inside of us. For example, the 10 commandments said don't murder. And God still sent the Israelites into Canaan with orders to kill everyone. Same action. Different fruit.

I think fruit has more to do with the results of our actions. You know the stereotypical car salesman? Slick. All nice and friendly. Would cheat his own mother for a quick buck. Have you ever dealt with a salesman who just left you feeling icky? You couldn't point to anything specific. But something was off.

That's fruit. It's the spiritual residue left over from your relationship with someone else. What do they leave you with? Peace, joy, kindness, patience, faithfulness. Not always good feelings. Feelings are fickle. But do you grow for having known them?

Those things I listed are fruits of the spirit. A good relationship bears good fruit. Bad relationships bear bad fruit. There's a great story, which I've probably quoted before. An elder Indian chief is sitting with his grandson. The elder says to the boy, "Inside every man are two wolves. One wolf represents all that is good - kindness, honesty, peace. The other wolf is all that is bad - rage, jealousy, greed. These two wolves are always fighting. Fighting to the death." The grandson pauses for a second, then asks, "Grandfather, which one wins?" The elder replies, "The one that you feed."

Inside of every person are two warring sides - the spirit and the flesh. A good wolf and a bad wolf. However you want to picture them. Each is trying to kill the other. And this is where torment comes from. That inner turmoil that afflicts us so easily. We run from this torment. We try and hide from the pain, from the fight.

It takes a lot of energy to fight. It's hard to understand your own motivations. To consciously choose the one wolf over the other. Try paying attention to everything, all day long. You'll find that your brain gets tired. It starts taking short cuts. And so we give in to our flesh. Because it's easier than fighting.

And that's where the quote at the top comes in. Escape takes many forms. Alcohol and drugs are probably the culturally ingrained things that pop into your head. But it can be food, TV, movies, music, sex, fishing, and even housework. Anything that you use just to not face God. You see, the real issue isn't running from our problems. It's that we're running from God. Facing our problems only makes us see our need for Him. And that is what the bad wolf doesn't want you to know.

Fruit comes from who we are, deep inside. And when we face God, we see all of the darkness. We see all of the hiding places we never thought about. And we do everything in our power just to avoid taking that glimpse. Because once you do, you know the choice. And we don't want to make that choice. It's a hard choice. It means killing one of the wolves. And the wolf's fighting for its life.

So exactly how do we face ourselves, and all that we do? That's why Paul refers to Jesus' resurrection as victory. I don't confess sins because God needs to hear them. I confess them because I need to face them. Face them, accept that I did them, and receive forgiveness because someone greater than me already paid for it.

Peace comes from surrendering myself to God. There's one last metaphor with the fruit. Jesus describes us as vines. Bad trees produce bad fruit. But graft that bad part into a good tree, and it becomes the good tree. It produces good fruit. He goes one to say, "I am the vine. You are the branches." We can be changed. It's not easy. That stupid wolf will fight to the bitter end. And peace won't always seem real. But it's coming. One day when that wolf dies.

The Measure of a Goal

I was out on my walk this morning, thinking about the weekend. The girls and I tried an experiment. They each took responsibility for everything for one day. Unsurprisingly, we had some hiccups. And I've been trying to think of a good way to do a post mortem.

That got me thinking - what was the goal? It's very easy to say that the goal was getting chores done. But that's not true. Yes, the chores needed doing. And yes, I'm thankful for their help getting them done. That just wasn't really my goal.

I wanted to accomplish something with them. I wanted to build a relationship. Establish a back and forth. Figure out how we can communicate instead of running off to our rooms. I wanted to build a relationship.

And that brought me to think about my relationship with God. God set the terms. Yet even inside of that, He left a lot of room for us. There were certain things when God said "do it this way, exactly". And there are a lot of things that He allows us to do on our own, our way.

God defined the size of the ark of the covenant, where it was kept, and how it was carried. He was very direct and precise. He laid out very specific meats they were not to eat. Bur He didn't say one word about how to spice the food or what it should taste like. God tells us that He wants obedience, then leaves things up to our own judgement. This is the balance between control and relationship.

Relationships are by invitation. In every relationship, we share both the responsibility and the benefits. What happens in a relationship with someone who won't share? I had roommate in my younger days (oh, so long ago :)  Would not share ice cream. I got one serving - the day it was purchased. Maybe a half serving the next night. But ice cream never lasted longer than that.

I once heard a missionary describe it as a barrel mentality. Relatives or sponsors from another country would send barrels of food for families. The day the barrels arrived, someone from the family would pick it up at the dock. On the way home, they would start eating. Because once you got home, everyone had to share.

At home, everyone had the same idea - get some before there's none left. An entire, huge barrel of food gone in just a couple of days. And the family would start waiting for the next barrel all over again. A never ending cycle. This is what was happening with the ice cream - a refusal to share.

The same refusal happens emotionally, or with power and authority. Every relationship is about sharing. The terms simply describe who shares what, how it's divided up.

I read a great quote once. Forgot to write down who said it, so I apologize...

The measure of a goal is not what you're willing to do for it, but what you're willing to sacrifice.

Sharing means giving up - releasing - things that you are entitled to. It takes dying to your flesh (self preservation). And it's hard. I still mess it up. Thankfully, God thought of that too.

Super symmetry

So I watched the next episode in this Stephen Hawking series. I apologize for focusing on just a few seconds out of such an enormous body of work. There's so much of it that goes right over my head. I'm picking the few pieces that relate to something else I know.

Hawking describes the beginning of the universe as a dot, a pinpoint, where all matter is compressed and held by this force that is perfectly even across the entire surface. The documentary called it super symmetry. The question that I'm posing is - is this force personal or impersonal?

At the same time, I was finishing up Daniel Kahneman's Thinking Fast and Slow. In one chapter, he talks about success. If you look close enough at successful companies and/or people, you will find a confluence of events totally out of their control. He concludes that success if blind luck. No amount of skill or effort on our part can guarantee success. Hard work just isn't enough.

My brain pulls these two things together because they both go back to the same question - is God personal or impersonal? The documentary and the book both viewed the universe as impersonal. Success is dumb luck. The Big Bang was controlled by natural law. It's all just stuff.

If God is personal, then success is providence (aka blessing). God chooses. Either way, it is still entirely out of our control. This is why God asks us to believe. Believe that He is real. Believe that He is personal. Belief offers hope. 

The Hawking documentary also touched on idea that there are multiple dimensions. Physicists use the extra dimensions to explain the behavior of gravity. That's right, scientists espouse that there are things in the universe that we can't see. Isn't that what the term spiritual means? Circling back to the question - personal or impersonal?

I believe that God is personal. That He actively directs the universe and it obeys His commands. I believe that in my pride I too often think that I can do the same thing. It doesn't work out so well. But I also believe that He loves me enough that He made a way to restore what's damaged. And I'm looking forward to the day when I don't have to wonder if I'm listening to Him or me. 

God of Creation

So my co-worker found a recent fascination with black holes. I've been watching some videos of Stephen Hawking so I can hold my own in the discussions. It's fascinating to hear what's out there in our universe. And being me, my brain is busy reconciling these things with what little I know about God.

Did the universe pop into existence billions of years ago when a black hole exploded? Who cares? Whatever mechanism God used doesn't really change the facts that the universe exists, it's big, and we live in it. So let's have some fun talking about the amazing ways that it works. And see where we might go instead of where we've been.

What are black holes? Hawking describes them as, well, holes. There's no bottom. And they seem to draw everything inside. If we accept that matter/energy is neither created nor destroyed, then what goes in must still exist. Is it trapped in the black hole or expelled somewhere else?

What would be the purpose of expelling it? Motion might be one - like a jet engine. The black holes propel the universe. Transfer is another idea. Sending used up energy to another place to start growing new galaxies, stars, and planets. This raised the question - are new planets forming?

I have to admit, I grew up in very strict fundamentalist circles. In recent years, God has really opened my eyes about how much I limit Him with my rules. So think about it this way, are the trees you see today the same ones that were here when He created the Earth? Of course not. He created trees that seeded and grew new ones. Why wouldn't He seed new galaxies?

Science fiction is fascinated with the idea of faster than light travel. We can't get to another star without it. Or at least, not very many. Our life spans are just too short. But what if we lived forever? Imagine a billion years from now, would you care about having spent 100,000 years on a space ship? Forever means no end. In a finite universe of limited size, you would, eventually, see everything and go everywhere. Is that really the limit of God's reach?

I stated earlier that energy is neither created nor destroyed - the first law of thermodynamics. I take issue with it. Well, just the first half - energy is not created. The first law assumes that the universe is a closed system. I believe that it's not. I believe that God is still pouring Himself into it.

God did not create the universe, set it in motion, and step away. He has always been intimately involved with it. He hasn't changed. He found pleasure in creation, and still does. He didn't paint a picture just to hang it on the wall. He's still painting it!

If God always intended us to live forever. And if He's bigger than our imaginations can fathom. Doesn't it stand to reason that He would expand the universe to reflect His size, not ours? By the time we explore everywhere, He will have somewhere new for us to go. Isn't that amazing?! We will never run out of new places to see, new things to learn. At every turn, He expands our knowledge just a little bit more. Refines what we thought we knew in ways we can't see yet. Over, and over, and over.

Do black holes feed into that? I have no idea. But won't it be fun to find out? To travel to one and figure out a way to measure, see, learn what happens. God didn't create a universe that puts things out of our reach. He created it to reveal His majesty and splendor. Then populated it with us to appreciate them. We can't appreciate what we don't know. It would be self-defeating to put things out of reach. They may be hard. It may take a very long time. The journey is half the fun.

And don't worry about learning all there is. He's way too big for that. There will always be a new mystery. Some twist or turn that we didn't expect. Now that's exciting!

Stress

So a couple of things have been running around in my head for a while. First is a sermon from Stephen Gambill about two mountains - Sinai and Zion. Mt. Sinai represents judgement, condemnation. When the Israelites came to that mountain, God surrounded it. There was thunder, lightning, darkness. The Bible describes the mountain as melting before Him. Sinai was where God gave the law to Moses. Imagine facing that alone. An angry God and He's looking right at you.

Zion, in contrast, is open arms. God saying welcome home. Thunder and lightning replaced with bright light and tranquility. It's a stark contradiction from Sinai.

And both of them are real. God is the same God, the same person, who expresses Himself in both ways at the same time. Sinai and Zion are in tension. Two opposites that are both true and exist at the same time. My brain can't reconcile that.

Thing 2

This made me think about the tensions in our world. My friend likes to describe these as grey areas. I hate grey areas. I cannot hold two emotions at the same time. And the idea that there is an acceptable balance between them is completely foreign.

Tension is everywhere. There was tension this morning when Vania snuck in a video game she wasn't allowed to play. There's tension every Monday morning when I have to get up for work, but I love what I do. The fact that I have to creates tension.

Sin creates tension. The apostle Paul talks about the law of sin and death versus the law of life (the spirit). These two always stand in opposition to each other - tension. Darwin summed up the law of sin and death very neatly: survival of the fittest. The strong prey on the weak. It's every man for himself.

Survival of the fittest is how the world works left to itself. It's a world of erosion, excess, self-destruction. Every advance exacts a price (think cars and smog, or industrialization and environmental concerns). On its own, the world breaks down. This the law of nature. Everything runs out, winds down, and eventually dies. Even the sun will one day burn out. It may be a very long time. But it is inevitable.

Contrast that with the picture painted in Revelations, the lion lays down with the lamb. Picture that for a second. A full grown male lion, with a full mane, sitting on the ground, his paws wrapped around a lamb. Both are at complete peace. The same passage says that a baby (think of your grandchild) will stick his hand in an adder's nest. And nothing happens. Well, maybe the snake licks his hand and the baby squeals because it tickles.

This is God's law of life. The law of sin and death breeds fear. Approach a snake now, and it will bite you because it's afraid. Sheep are afraid of lions. Lions are afraid of us. We're afraid of the ozone layer, pollution, and dying.

Fear leads to the dark side (to quote Yoda). We do self-destructive things because of fear. Fear creates tension.

Wrapping It Up

How do you resolve tension? How do you reconcile two opposites that are constantly fighting? Each trying to kill the other? I don't know either.

We should be enjoying our world. Admiring a beautiful sunset. Eating good food because it's fun to taste the flavors. Standing in awe of a panoramic view as the clouds touch the mountain tops and the sun glistens off the lake. Instead, we worry about starving, rush to drive home from work, and stand back from the edge of the cliff. Why? Because that world is out to kill us.

We know, deep in our hearts, this is wrong. We know that it shouldn't be survival of the fittest. In X-Men: Apocalypse, Charles Xavier tells the strong mutants to protect those who are weak. And the audience applauds that as noble, heroic. That's how the world should be. That's what we want it to be.

And when this world let's us down, we find ways of hiding from the pain. It shouldn't be this way, but it is. We live on Mt. Sinai. We want to live on Mt. Zion. Tension.

Rules for Living

In an earlier post, I mentioned some simple rules that I follow. A friend asked me what those rules were. I have to admit that I don't know (or realize) all of them. One that stood out today - no one wants to listen. My life is boring. I don't tell a good story. And no one really wants to listen to me complain. Or that's the rationalization.

So that begs the question - what am I rationalizing? Talking is hard. I don't know why. I have never been able to follow conversations. This goes back to that system 1 (the automatic system) and system 2 (the thinking system). I live the majority of my life in the thinking system (2). Conversations rely heavily on the automatic system (1). Try this little experiment - list out the cues you use to know when it's your turn to speak. I'll wait...

My guess is that you couldn't really come up with many. Certainly not a comprehensive list. Then add the extra complexity that every person involved is different - sending out different signals. The thinking system works with rules and algorithms. What's the algorithm for something you can't define? I don't know either. So it takes a lot of mental energy to figure out when it's okay to speak. I just don't have that kind of time. Thinking is slow.

Now let's add one more dimension - the lies we tell ourselves. I lie to myself. That's what rationalization is - a lie I tell myself to justify something I want to do (usually something wrong). I know that I do this. And I spend energy vetting the things I say. So not only do I expend energy thinking about when to say it, but also what to say. Is it appropriate? Is it selfish? Am I complaining or expressing emotion in a healthy way? What is the algorithm for that?

Want to know how I came up with the last paragraph? It's exactly what went through my head when I decided to write this. Seriously, I almost went for my walk first and did the dishes, I've found these things are blocks. They are blocking me from doing the thing God asked me to do. Why? Because I'm still broken and my human nature is directly opposed to what God wants. My natural instinct is to do anything but what He asked me to do. I block His voice by filling my time with other stuff. Some of it may be important or valuable. But it's not what He asked me to do right in this moment.

In The Artist's Way, author Julia Cameron gives 10 principle of creativity. One that really stands out to me is the refusal to be creative is self-will and is counter to our true nature. Blocks represent a refusal to be creative. God is a creator. The Bible even starts that way - in the beginning, God created. The things He commands us to do are creative - build up people, build things, do something that makes the world a little better than it was. My refusal to obey Him is a refusal to be creative. And it is putting my will over His.

Rules and Laws

So now I'm going to totally change direction and make one last point. The apostle Paul, in one of his letters, says that we're no longer under the law of sin and death, but the law of life. What exactly is the law of life?

The law of sin and death he referred to meant the old Mosaic law. You know, the 10 commandments, the book of Deuteronomy, all that Old Testament stuff - obey or else. To the Jews it meant dietary restrictions, work restrictions, rules about how to do things. And these were very detailed laws. Breaking one meant that you had to kill an animal. Seriously, something had to die.

That law was specifically designed to point out everything you did wrong. Nobody, and I mean nobody, could possibly keep it perfectly. Jesus even came along later and said that merely thinking about breaking it was exactly the same as breaking it. This is the law of sin and death. Hopeless. Mean. Disheartening.

But Jesus kept that law. And He still suffered the penalty for breaking it - death. He did that in our place. So, as Paul says, put us under the law of life. Imagine your entire life laid out as marbles. Each marble represents something you did. And we sort them into two bowls - good and bad. The law of sin looked at the bad bowl. When Jesus took our sin, the bad bowl goes away. What's left?

Well, the good bowl of course. See? The old law focused on what you did wrong. The new law looks at what you did right. The old law brought a penalty for failure. The new law is about a reward for success. This is what Paul means by law of life. You get something for following it. Not lose something when you don't.

Now read Galatians 5 with this in mind. We are free from the penalty. No matter what you do, there is no penalty. Paul then goes to the flip side - do good things because you're building a reward. Yes, you can do anything, but why would you want to miss out on everything God wants to give you?

So now answer this question, are you afraid of someone who is looking for a reason to give you what you want? Well no. We're afraid of people who want to hurt us. The old law hurt. The new law - life - is all about our good. We're no longer slaves. I don't have to worry about the times I fail. I can find God's peace in the moments I obey.

I'll admit, that's still hard for me to live. My feelings tell a different story.

Music

I don't like sharing music. I don't want people to know what I'm listening to. I don't have a favorite song. And I won't tell you what type of music I like to hear. Why? Because music evokes emotion. And emotions have to be buried.

In a previous post, I mentioned following some simple rules to get through the complexity of every day life. A friend asked me what those rules were. Honestly, they're so ingrained, I'm not even fully aware of all of them. A really big one is the golden rule - do unto others as you want them to do to you. There are all kinds of sub-points under that one.

That emotion thing is another one of them. I remember riding the school bus one day, staring out the window, and wishing I was more like Mr. Spock on Star Trek - without emotions. Emotions hurt. And not having them is preferable. I've come to learn, after 45 years of struggling, that my emotions aren't normal.

In her book Thinking in Pictures, the author Temple Grandin describes her emotions as childish. That's an apt description. I put this together with Thinking Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman. Emotions feed system 1. One of system 1's abilities involves proportion. System 1 is what allows you to tell if that guy selling you the used car asked a reasonable price. It's what lets you know how angry you should be when your child spills Cheerios all over the couch. System 1 is how you decide when you got a good deal.

I have the emotions of a five year old. They are on and they are off. I feel happy, angry, sad, whatever very intensely or not at all. There is very little leeway.

I have no words for emotions. I can't tell you how I feel. I think in terms of things. Temple Grandin talks about emotions being tied to places. That's very true. Places are things. Music is a thing. I can only express things, not emotions. The problem comes when people focus on the thing instead of the feeling.

I'm sorry, but I'm a sinful person, just like the rest of you. And some of the things that pop into my brain aren't nice. Aren't pure. I get angry. It comes out as yelling, raised voice, and some verbal strikes. All of which is an emotional expression. So how do you think it feels when the only things anyone cares about is the yelling? See, when you say "stop yelling", I hear "stop feeling".

I spent my entire life listening to mantras like control your temper, sex outside of marriage is wrong, think pure thoughts. And - let me say for the record - all of them are true. But what do you do when those things are the only expression you have for what you feel?

I guess there's one last point that I want to make - I know the difference between what I think and what I do. In my mind, there is a very, very sharp difference between what I imagine and what I will actually do. Just because the thing is expressed does not mean I should or would act on it. The thing doesn't matter. It is merely an expression. The feeling matters.

I think of Vania. I think of a friend's daughter who cannot keep lists in order. None of the social norms work. You cannot train them like other children. It's like letting them loose on the open ocean in the dark, and telling them to just swim to shore. They cannot be taught through system 1. I get that. I can't learn through system 1 either.

And no, I still won't share my music.