I'm not sure I like this idea. I know the dark places in my soul. Well, that's not totally honest. I know some of them. And the fact that there are even darker places scares me. But this weekend, I started to wonder if that's really what she's looking for. My friend made another comment - about being anonymous in this virtual world. So the things you do no one knows that it's you. I get the sense that what she's really looking for is a place to let go.
This is really the same desire that drives me to withdraw. A safe place where you don't fight anymore. Where this constant struggle between who you are and who you should be goes away. I get tired of the fight. It's easier to just let go, be who you are, and stop fighting. I don't like the person that I am.
That didn't come out right. There's a story about an old American Indian chief sitting with his grandson. He tells the grandson, "There are two wolves inside of every man. One wolf is peace, love, happiness, gratitude, kindness. The other wolf is jealousy, fear, vengeance, all the evil things in this world. These two wolves are constantly at war. Each tries to kill the other." The grandson thinks for a moment then asks, "Grandfather, which wolf wins?" His grandfather replies, "The one that you feed."
This story is what I see in my friend's comments. A war, to the death, of these two people inside us. And the war never stops. Not until one of them dies. Just like any other exertion, it is so very tiring. As human beings, we have this dichotomy always inside of us. A selfish part that looks out for me. And another that sees other people. One part full of excuses, self justification, resentment, turmoil. And this other part that wants to bring harmony, peace, and joy. They are strong. They are circling. And always in this brawl for the deepest parts of who we are inside.
How appealing is a virtual world where you just let that selfish wolf out? Stop fighting and just let it run wild? Feed him. Because he'll stop hurting us if we just feed him enough, right? I think that's the saddest part - he won't. The truth is that wolf never has enough. We are his food. This is the very nature of addiction. It always wants more, until it destroys everything. And just like in the movie, you spend all of your time on Facebook - oops, sorry, I meant to say in the virtual world.
A Real Place
Okay, that wasn't quite where I expected this to go. I believe that my friend is going to get her wish. That one day we will be part of a world where the real us, the deepest secrets of who we are, will be manifest around us. In churchy circles, we call them heaven and hell.
What's going to happen at the final judgement? All of our actions, motives, and desires laid bare. Imagine standing before a God who knows not just your reasons, but the exact neurons that fired in your brain because of those reasons. You can't lie to Him. You can't hide what was done when no one was looking. There are no excuses. No justification. Who you are, the wolf that you fed, will stare you in the eyes. And you will fully be the person that you are.
This is why the apostle Paul talks about transformation. A change of who we are. The struggle happens because the change isn't complete. This is the hope that Jesus offers. When the judgement comes, when we see ourselves as God sees us, He will finish the change. The struggle ends. One of the wolves dies. One of them wins. And the person everyone sees will be the person that I am inside.
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