Humility

I once read that anger was the only emotion without an opposite. Today, I'm thinking the opposite is humility, which is not an emotion. And I find that, in itself, an interesting mystery.

Proverbs warns to placate the king's wrath. Paul instructs wives to win over husbands through service and submission. And Jesus fulfilled God's wrath by humbly accepting responsibility. As weird as it seems, humility is the answer to anger.

What made me think of it? Lucy once told me that when I got angry, she was afraid I would hit her. It was a rational for defiance - a passive aggressive defiance. I made her afraid so she is justified in holding a grudge. And you know what? That makes me even angrier.

So I asked myself why. Why did it make me angrier? I'm funny that way - always wanting to find the root cause. As I think about my emotions, I started to see patterns. I respond to the people around me. I used to think that I was reactive. When people panic, I am at my calmest. When no one else panics, I can. When a friend is sad, I want to respond with empathy. These are all negating feelings. The opposite of what everyone around me feels. My emotions are so very much controlled by the people around me. Even knowing that it happens, I can't stop it.

But anger is different, sort of. If the anger starts with you (you angry at me), I look to calm it. If I'm angry and you respond with anger, then it's like combining two waves. They become one much bigger wave. Not a recipe for peace. Defiance is anger in disguise. So not only is there anger, now throw a layer of deceit on top. And a bad situation just went totally south.

What do I want when I'm angry? I want acknowledgement. Acknowledgement that you really did something wrong. Take responsibility, even when you mess up. And that takes humility. Humility to accept that you really do deserve the anger.

It's all about power. Anger gives the illusion of control. When anger responds to anger, you end up with two people fighting for control. We call that war. When one person accepts the anger as a legitimate feeling, there's no nothing to fight over, is there? Humility puts control in the other person's hands. It says you're right and justified in being angry. You can choose to continue or stop. Defiance is about making the other person stop. Humility can ask them to stop, but leaves the choice in their hands.

You see, I know that anger should never be in control. Humility puts the choice in my hands to act out of love or hate. And something in my brain, as messed up as it may be, trips. Now that I have to choose, some other part steps in. I have to think. Anger comes from system 1. Humility engages system 2.

Why am I writing this? Lucy will get married one day. And I guarantee, her very human husband will get angry with her. She can't stop that from happening. She can control her response. So I hope that she reads this and chooses to practice humility. And when she needs the muscle (character), it's already there. Here's lookin' at you, kid.