Ask

Lucy,

I've been reading a book about prayer. Some of the men at church recommended it. I honestly expected a more detached approach. I have been pleasantly surprised. Not just with the author's writing style, but also with the things that I learn.

The chapter today can be summed up in one word - ask. When Vania was young, I made a conscious decision to give her what she asked for if there wasn't a reason for saying no. This was before she could speak. I watched her get so frustrated trying to communicate. Her physical limitations held her back. It occured to me that she could very easily fall into feeling helpless.

I wanted Vania to experience a feeling of power over her world. I wanted her to learn hope. I taught her to ask.

I use the word ask loosely in this context. For a while, ask meant point and grunt. Even now, ask can be more of a statement than a question. The form of asking isn't important. The heart of asking is.

Lucy, don't you deserve the same power over your world? Why didn't you ask? I don't mean that as an accusation. I mean it as a legitimate question, what stopped you from asking?

I would guess that it boils down to shame and control. Our brains (mine included) love excuses. God would never give me that. I'm just being selfish. Or I deserve... Asking takes humility. The very act of iasking acknowledges that someone has something we need and the power to withhold it. We fear power because we don't trust. 

Ironically, trust also takes humility. I know they can hurt me. I am trusting they won't. Our experience in this world tells me to expect to get hurt. That's why God is so big on forgiveness. He acknowledges that pain is real, and also acknowledges it isn't supposed to be this way. There is more than this world. He is more than this world.

Do you remember in Spring Hill, the lid on my box of tools was left open to the rain? Several of them rusted from the water. I remember it because it was one of the very few times I punished you. The rarity of it is a good thing. The punishment was cleaning the rust off those tools. I suspect that you internalized the embarrassment that you felt. I do the same thing. 

What happened to our relationship after that? When shame stays inside, it rots. When it rots, it becomes bitterness. Bitterness eats its host, like a virus. This is a tiny example of our relationship with God.

Coming to Him exposes our shame. And coming to Him also wipes our shame away - after we face it. God even helps me through that. Start to finish, it is all His work. I just have to get out of His way. Somehow, even that is hard. 

When Uncle Scott and I would fight, Grandmom always said "what would our family be like if your dad and I treated each other that way?" It never stopped Uncle Scott and I. We still fought. But that satyed with me. It's how I learned to look at relationships. 

Ask yourself honestly, why do you want to fight? I know the excuses. They're not the truth. Lucy, I can only speak to my own heart. I can tell you about my struggles and what I think, if you ask. You have to find your own. No one knows you better than the God who loved you enough to bring you into a universe that He created for you. 

I don't understand how God manages a crowd of humanity and still involves Himself in my everyday life. Out of a crowd of millions or billions, He still knows me. Better than I know me. And while He has this big huge plan for all of eternity, He is still in each moment just with me alone. And you, and Grandmom, and Pop-pop, etc.. 

Wives and Husbands

Tyler did an excellent job Sunday in part 1 of a 2 part sermon over 1 Peter 3. Yes, this is the passage that starts out wives, obey your husbands. He started out with the observation that there is a spectrum of how pastors apprach this passage. The one extreme, which seems to be most dominant, is to qualify the passage to death. These sermons spend an nordinate amount of time saying what Peter didn't mean and very little time on what he did. Tyler intentinally tried to move more towards the middle.

I'm not so patient. I'm just going to jump right to the other side and say, without any qualification, that if you are a wife you have a responsibility to obey your husband. This passage immediately follows Peter's call for servants to obey their masters. Or in more modern terms, employees obey your boss. And it precedes the call for children to obey your parents. I think that God views all 3 of these relationships the same way, in terms of day to day operation.

I'm a huge fan of Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace. When it comes to personal finance, Dave says to lok at yourself as You, Inc.. You are a business. And in making financial decisions, act and think like a business. Businesses turn a profit from which they can expand, reward hard work, and be charitable. Dave also says that the only ship that doesn't sail is a partnerSHIP. That is true in all of our human relationships, even marriage.

There are never two equals. One will always dominates the other. That is the nature of free will. If we all agreed then there really is no choice. In a friendship, you will bth move in and out of the dominate role. If one person feels unequal, then they simply avoid the relationship.

That is much more difficult in a business. Nothing would ever get done if employees quit over every disagreement. In an effort to maintain the relatinship, both parties agree on the dominate and submissive role. I obey my boss.  Now, through God's providence, I work for someone who elects to accept my input. And I constantly remind myself that she is not obligated to do that. It is a reflection of her character (a good reflection, in my opinion).

Peter sets the same thing up in marriage. Like a business, one person has been assigned the dominate role. I cannot say this strongly enough - marriage is not a partnership of equals. It is a boss/employee, or servant/master relationship. And I am not going to qualify it at all. No if's, and's, or but's. The passage is very, very clear.

Peter understood the objections, especially regarding abusive relationships. He addresses it right there - obey anyway and let God use your example. Does this mean a wife should never leave an abusive husband? No. It means that as a wife, you need a strong, deep relationship with your Heavenly Father. And if He tells you to leave, then don't hesitate. But just like a boss r husband, the choice is His to make, not yours.

And this is where I think we go so wrong. God has always been about building relationships. Like children, He starts us with a few simple rules and principles. Then expands on them as the relationship blossoms. The default, the start, is that wives surrender their right to make these choices. They vow obedience, meaning that the final decision rests with their husband.

If you are a wife (or ex-wife) looking for an excuse, throwing out objections and what if, I am saying that you are approaching it all wrong. You are looking for a way to do what is wrong. Instead, you should be looking for more ways of doing what is right. Stop searching for the boundaries of obedience. Start looking for the deep inner field far away from the scraggly edges that is full of soft grass and bubbling brooks. If you go looking for the edge of the cliff, you'll just fall over.

Does this offend you? It should. You should feel this deep inside. Because that is our fallen nature, the one that rebels against God's authority in all of its forms. You are entirely correct that your husband, no matter how well intentioned, at some point will abuse this for a selfish end. And as a husband, I accept that you will, at sme point, disbey for equally selfish reasons. Now we have a conversation about forgiveness. But these facts do not, in any way, change God's authority structure. Marriage, like every ther business on the planet, will never work without obedience.

I want to end with the example that comes to my mind - my grandparents. My grandmother was Italian. Full bloded Italian. She told her father that she could never marry an Italian man because there was only ne head of the house. My brother and I could hear my grandparentds arguing. Even if we were there, my grandmother did not back down from giving my grandfather her opinion. My paresnts once jked they could start a reality TV show - MeeMaw and PeePaw. 

I remember sitting in their downstairs, watching TV, hearing them argue through the thin walls of my grandfather's study. He had donated money to some conservative cause. And my grandmother didn't agree with it. They yell back and forth. And when they were done, she comes out, winks at us, then went upstairs and cooked dinner. I realized something that time, that my grandmother went into that argument aknowing she was going to do whatever my grandfather decided. She said her piece, believe me. And she left the decision in his hands. She went upstairs and did the most loving thing she could - made dinner.

I know that my grandparents had some very rough times, long before I was born. I don't pretend it was easy for my grandmother or grandfather. I do know that they both spent time every day reading God's Word and praying. And instead of arguing over who was in control, they argued over facts and opinions. Leaving God always in control. My grandfather was a wonderfully generous man. My grandmother's submission allowed God to direct his generosity. Whereas her control would have killed it. God works when our hearts line up with His. Blind obedience makes no sense. Then again, neither does one righteous man dying for the sins of the world. Somehow, God makes it work.

Forgiveness

Renee wanted to talk to Vania on the phone last night. Vania was at Deanna's apartment. So I e-mailed Renee that Vania wasn't available. Her reply: thanks for letting me know. And here's the really weird part - it made me angry. 

I'm trapped in Renee's pattern again. Renee did something hurtful. She is in the wrong. Then she pretends that nothing happened. Renee purposefully acts as if it's all my fault because I was hurt. She feels entitled to get away with what she did. That's our relationship. 

This is not what Jesus meant when He asked us to forgive. This is enablement. Renee wants to continue in her sin. It is a means of deflecting responsibility for what's been done. It is avoidance, not righteousness. It is a lie.

Renee did not decide to be polite on her own. Well, maybe, but given what I know about her, there is someone else in the background telling her this is a good idea. This person listened to Renee's lies, accepted them as their own, and acted on that belief. They put their faith in Renee. They judged me, based on a lie, without any regard for the truth. That bothers me. Okay, way too light. That makes me angry.

Judge Not

Almost everyone has heard where Jesus said "judge not lest ye be judged" (KJV). It comes from the passage where He talks about trying to take out a speck of dust from someone else while there's a log in your eye. Our pastor described it as a large beam stuck in your head, smacking everyone as you keep turning around. I picture the Three Stooges swinging a ladder around.

Jesus wasn't telling us to stop judging. He told us the right way to reach a judgement. Look inside first. Is this really something God wants said? Am I satisfying my own need to feel superior? Jesus says connect with our Heavenly Father first. That doesn't always mean I'm right. It does mean that either way, I learn something about Him, about me, and His relationship with me. Yes, sometimes God lets me get it wrong so that I learn what He already knew.

Jesus told a famous parable about forgiveness. A guy owes his boss $500,000. He doesn't have the money and begs the boss for more time. The boss forgives the entire $500,000 debt outright. The man leaves and runs into a buddy who owes him $100. The buddy doesn't have the money yet and asks to wait until payday. The man gets furious and starts berating the guy. The boss gets wind of the incident. He calls the guy back in and tells him to pay the full $500,000. The point being, extend forgiveness because we're forgiven.

Being me, I notice something else about this story: you are not entitled to forgiveness. Even in dealing with other people, they are not required to forgive you. You have an obligation. If they forgive you, then that speaks to their character. If they don't, then you still have to speak to your character.

Renee grew up in family constantly in debt, behind in payments, taking things that aren't theirs. You can see it even in the way they treat each other. Pretending you did nothing wrong is normal for her. Righteousness comes from herself, her insistence on the truth of delusions, aka self-righteousness. And yes, that makes me angry. We all have hot buttons. This one is mine.

I rely on open and honest communication. I have a huge blind spot relationally. And I cannot navigate a relationship with explicit directions. If someone is busy covering up their sin, they certainly aren't having open communication. And it's impossible for me to relate. I'm not talking about tact. Tact is telling me in a manner that best suits the circumstances. Tact is different from deceit. This is deceit - pretending that a lie is true. Odd, I hadn't planned on this coming full circle.

Disclaimer

Before anybody freaks out, let me throw in this disclaimer. While you are not entitled to forgiveness, I try and adopt a stance that forgiveness is the first route. Notice even in Jesus' parable that the boss forgave the guy at the outset. Forgiveness is how God always intended us to relate with each other. And ironically, forgiveness is what builds strong relationships. Sacrifice being right for a deeper connection with another person.

Here Nor There

 I remember you telling me once about hearing "I just like having you here". You feel insulted, like an object to be possessed. This popped into my brain while I was reading this morning. 

I would tell you the same thing. I tell Vania all the time. Though I have to admit, it probably has a better effect surrounded by "I love you". It's not a statement of possession. It's a statement of intimacy.

I can't speak for any one else. I just know for myself, that the words you hear and the meaning I intend to convey don't match. I attach emotions with places. That probably sounds very strange. I didn't realize until reading Temple Grandin's book Thinking in Pictures. All of my memories and dreams are about places. The house I grew up in. The school I went to. Church. College.

There were people in those places. But my connection is with the place. Other places don't exist. Really. I have a difficult time grasping the reality that there is way more to the world than the place I can see. It just doesn't register emotionally. And when that reality intrudes, it is emotionally jarring. I think that's a large part of my reluctance to visit new places. And why I am thankful for friends who drag me along.

My connection with people has always been tenuous. It's not a lack of desire or disregard for their value. I just can't connect with someone who is in a different place. It feels alien. I can't imagine Deanna and Lucy in school. Their school time was separate, different, foreign. Intellectually, I know they were at school, walking hallways, sitting in lectures. But somehow it isn't real. There's no connection.

I'm getting off topic. The idea of sharing a place with someone else is an expression of emotional connection. Or the desire for emotional connection. We have a place connects easier with me than you and I. Vania and I can sit on the couch doing completely different things. I watch TV. She plays on her tablet. Yet we still connect emotionally.

In Dungeons and Dragons, characters have this measure called presence. That's how I think of it, I enjoy her presence. I enjoy classical music, bluegrass, museums, watching sports live, the beach, the forest, etc.. I like sharing those things with someone else, way more than the thing itself. "I like having you here" means that you bring something special those things can't. And it's an admission that I want more of it.

Like I said, I can only speak for myself. If I were the one saying to you "I just like having you here", it isn't a declaration of possession. It's an expression of emotion. Granted, a struggling expression. A seed trying to break through its own husk and take root. And fertilized, it will grow, looking more and more like what you expect.

Anyway, another perspective.

Start

 To my daughter...

You know how important you are to me. I'm writing this so you can read it on your own terms - as opposed to another dad lecture. We both know that you're a fine young adult. Old habits die hard.

You seem to be searching for something, moving from job to job. I would like to suggest that what you're looking for will only be found in Christ. Every step of the way, He has provided for you. Each of these jobs that seem to come out of nowhere are examples of His hand moving. The dissatisfaction you feel inside comes from a conflict between what He wants and what your own desire for control. And I say this from experience - long, hard experience.

We live under the illusion that our lives are full of choices. What do I wear today, do I call in sick, what to eat. I propose that we use these "decisions" as a distraction from the real choice we face every second of every day - do I live in hope or in fear. 

You dressed very nicely last night for taking pictures - hope. When I feel down, I dress in sweats and dumpy t-shirts. I eat better when there's hope. Comfort food is usually not the healthiest. See how the simple choice between hope and fear shapes all the other things?

That's why the Bible focusses so much on the hope we find in Christ. It says perfect love drives out fear. Hope is the mechanism. Faith in the love of Christ gives hope for the future (1 Corinthians 13:13).

The way we do that is by building a relationship with Jesus. I just finished reading the book The Four Loves, by C.S. Lewis. Lewis describes four different types of love. What struck me most was that each type never exists independently. They all build on each other. The more intimate forms are always built on top of the other forms. All close relationships begin with the generic love of affection.

I point that out to say, just start. How doesn't matter. Read the book I gave you. Read the Bible. Yell about all the terrible things going wrong. Cry and be afraid. Write morning pages. Go to church. It doesn't matter. Pick one. Make one up. Just start. There is no wrong way. And there is no right way. Christ doesn't wait for us to reach Him. He meets us where we are. So be there, and let Him be there with you. (Revelations 3:20)

God has a plan for you. You are important to Him, much more than you are important to me. He has spent a considerable amount of time and energy making sure that whatever happens, it doesn't kill you. Waiting patiently for you to allow Him to have a relationship with you.

Let me end by saying how proud I am of you. You have shown an immense amount of maturity. Doing whatever it takes to fulfill your responsibilities. And taking responsibility for your own life. God has the plan and the power for you to accomplish amazing things. Find that strength. There will be no stopping you.

Love, Dad.

Addiction as a Spiritual Problem

 I'm in a literal mood today. That's the premise of this conversation - addiction is, at its core, a spiritual problem. 

A while ago, I described how much I like rules. Some recent events brought it back to mind, along with the most basic rules I have. They start with the name God used for Himself - I am. Personally, I think that is just the best name. Two simple words, yet they carry so much weight. God declares that He exists and that He exists separate from us. Descartes said I think, therefore I am. God starts even simpler with no justification or primary cause. Anyway, it leads me to these rules.

1. God exists.
2. God is personal.
3. There is right and wrong.
4. Everybody rebels against what is right.
5. We know the rebellion is wrong.
6. We lie to ourselves in an effort to cover it up.
7. And by "we", I mean me and everybody else in this world.

This all started with my daughter Deanna. She is in the middle of transitioning jobs. In order to make ends meet, she sold her bed and her Nintendo Switch. The bed was one that she purchased by saving her chore money. She worked for that bed. I'm very proud of her for digging in and fulfilling her responsibilities. She sacrificed to do what was right.

It reminded me of a friend who has also stepped up in her life and taken responsibility. She is currently struggling with some habits that she wants to give up. And that brings me to the topic at hand.

We feel it, in our spirit, when we fight with God. I don't want to what He asks. I want to twist it to make it mine. He asks for generosity, it becomes a way to control - indebt - people. Even something as simple as writing this post becomes a days long struggle with depression, eating, and a bunch of other stuff. All because He asked me to do it. The rebellious part of me doesn't want to. Consciously, I do want to obey. Yet there still exists a piece that fights tooth and nail against it.

That's why addiction is so easy. Repetition trains our body. I felt good once doing X. X felt good the second time too. Whenever I want to feel good, I should do X. I feel bad when I don't get my way. So I'll do X to feel better without facing the underlying issue.

Gossip

 Someone in our small group brought up a devotional about gossip. It sparked some good discussion about what is gossip. I think of two examples.

Person A talks about how this or that person made them feel bad. They did something to hurt person A. This person even has special code phrases. Their words sounded like they were just sharing, letting me inside their head. They recounted events like facts. They complained. And nothing changed. 

Person B sounds, to my ears, very similar to person A. They talk about their interactions with other people. Describe what happened, how they felt, internalizes what happened, and deals with the relationship. Person B also complains about their job and coworkers from time to time. Then deals with the problem.

I believe person A gossips and person B does not. Why? For person B, I'm a sounding board. They have not asked me to take their problem or assume responsibility. Sometimes, person B wants my input. And sometimes, they simply need to share a burden. Person B asks for strength and wisdom. These are things that I can give.

Person A expected something from me - usually judgement against another person. Other times they expected me to assume their responsibility. I think this is a major component of gossip. The gossiper takes something from the person listening. They take something that isn't mine to give.

Not a very satisfying definition, is it?

Success

To my daughters...

I wanted to talk to you about success, or happiness, peace, or whatever word you use to describe what you're looking for. You'll never find it. Why? Because there's always more. And because there's more, you'll never reach where you want to go. Once you get there, there's somewhere else to be. It's like being a hamster on one of those play wheels - constantly running and never getting anywhere.

Instead, run after God. Build your life around finding Him. Make your relationship with Him your goal. Talk to Him about your job, about school, about life, roommates, dating, taxes, health, anything, everything. Because guess what He wants for you? Success, happiness, peace, and all those other words that you're looking for. God created these desires within you. He knows what satisfies them. And that they can't be satisfied. But there is always more of Him. So those desires also become a catalyst to learn more about Him. Ironic, huh? Dissatisfaction becomes the thing that leads to greater satisfaction.

Right now, we live in a world of rebellion. A world full of people fighting against the God who wants to give them everything. Even me. And I'm supposed to know better. Yet I still find myself constantly working against Him. Stopping that often feels like death. It hurts. It's hard. And it always works out better in the end.

Success, joy, peace, faith, hope, love - these all come from God. He is their source. And He shares them generously. Not just enough to fill our needs, but an over abundance so that they flow out from us. If you want to find these things, find Him. Connect with Him. Become the pipe through which all of that flows. And just like the pipes in my bathtub, that build up blockages over time, those things will also stick to you. In the book of Matthew, Jesus said look first for the kingdom of God and all this other stuff will follow (paraphrased). 

I've shown you some of the tools. I tried to teach you a little bit about Him. Ultimately, it's your decision. God pursues those He loves. But He won't force you. Turn around and face Him. I'm not promising you an easy life. I'm promising that success, happiness, peace, and all those other words don't depend on an easy life. They depend on a loving God.

Letter to a Friend

I came across this passage in the book I'm reading...

When researchers studied awe and beauty, they found an interesting connection: when we experience awe, we move toward others in beneficial ways.

When we are overcome by the grandeur of a snowy mountain peak or delighted by a beautiful song, when we sit silently in an old church and marvel at the way the sunlight seeps through the stained-glass windows, or when we're delighted by our children's squeals as they run through the sprinkler in the backyard, we let go of our "it's all about me" fixation ... less entitled.

Get Out of Your Head, by Jennie Allen, page 128

I immediately thought of both you and Renee. I learn best by contrast - comparing two points of view or examples. So it's not a matter of comparing one person or the other. It's using the differences to understand.

I first thought of dinner at Kermit's Ok Kitchen in Tupelo Mississippi. Or more accurately, dinner at the bank next door because they had the wrong night for a catering engagement. And then the story about the band you sat next to on a flight who gave you concert tickets. And the questions you ask - whales into the ocean, humans out; archaeology; black holes; the universe. You have sense of wonder. Not just for the stuff in the universe but also for the people around you. It's contagious.

On the other hand, I remember one night when I was married to Renee. She had a year left in school. We lived just off campus. It was summer. Classes were out and the campus was pretty deserted. We were walking. I convinced her to sit down for a few minutes. The sun was setting, but still plenty of light. The bugs were chirping. The sky had interesting colors. I asked her to just sit and listen. I like to close my eyes in those moments and hear the sounds, like a blanket. Calm, relaxing. Renee lasted about 2 minutes. I think that was the last time I tried to share a sense of wonder.

That's what I see in the passage above. Renee shows entitlement. You show generosity. I believe that both of these things - wonder and generosity - are symbiotic. They grow and feed off each other. My brain loves cause and effect. Which one comes first? It doesn't matter. Do both. And both get easier.

We talked on Friday about whales going into the ocean and humans leaving it. What I see is the signature of an artist. Combining common elements from His other work while adding something new, unique, and special. For example, you can tell code that I wrote. It has a style, including format, wording, etc.. Your paintings have a style. And yet each is unique. Each script I write is different. Like every other creative work in the world, we put a bit of ourselves into it. We reuse what we learned, what worked, and then add that something new making it special. It doesn't seem odd to me at all that whales and humans share some body structures. It seems wonderful.

Don't ever surrender that sense of wonder.

Built on Trust

A thought hit me tonight. I've heard it said that relationships are built on trust. What if that's backwards? What if trust is built from the relationship? Hear me out.

Jesus talked about virtues as fruit and the relationship as a tree. The tree grows first. Then it produces fruit. The Bible says we love God because He first loved us. How did He love us? He sent Jesus to die so that He could re-establish a relationship. The fruit comes after the relationship. As a result of the relationship.

My first temptation is to ask am I producing these fruits in other people. I think that's also backwards. I need to ask are the relationships I put myself into producing this fruit in me? I can't choose what fruit someone else grows. I can choose my relationships. What seeds are those relationships planting?

To My Daughters

I realized something the other day. I see beauty in things working together - numbers in math, the science of the universe, computer programs (small statements doing something larger). That's what I wanted for our  family - 5 people working together towards common goals. What were those goals?

• That you would grow up to be wives like the woman described in Proverbs 31.
• Education for a career and vocation.
• Excellence.
• Provide for ourselves so my children don't have to.

I like rest, comfort, nice things. Because Monday morning I go to work and throw my heart and soul into what I do. That's what I want to see in you - throw your heart and soul into it, whatever it happens to be.

Our family didn't work together. I think I followed God's example. Looking back now, anyway. At the time, I couldn't have explained it. I showed your mom love, provision, security, kindness, forgiveness, and trust. I did my job. I fulfilled my responsibilities. I asked your mom to do the same.

I asked her to pick up toys, stuff just left lying around. I asked her to wash the dishes. You know, the ones you ate off of. I asked her to cook dinner. Your dinner. I never asked her to make my lunch, my breakfast. I never thought about it until now. God asks us to treat other people. With all He does for us, He asks us to live the same in gratitude. Not payback, not as if we owe Him anything. But in gratitude. Gratitude knowing that what He gave is far beyond our ability. And what does He do with that? He directs all those virtues (love, joy, peace, kindness, trustworthy, integrity, faithful) at other people. He asks us to treat other people with the same virtues He directs at us.

This is what I wanted you to learn. Excellence isn't about what you get. Its about pouring all of yourself into something that someone else reaps the benefits of. Why? Because God poured all of Himself out for me. Because you deserve the same, in my imperfect, limited way.

I was thinking about Jayme. Sometimes I buy lunch. And she's always quick to try and repay it. No matter how much I insist, she thinks of it as some kind of debt. I have to admit, that's uncomfortable to me. But I understand what drives her. I have the same difficulty accepting gifts. It's part of our sinful flesh. Flesh wants control. Gifts are beyond my control. 

That's not how virtues work. Virtues work when they engender gratitude. You don't have to pay back the person who gave you a gift. You become the kind of person who gives gifts. When someone else's virtue drives you to something greater, that's how it's supposed to work. I never regretted all the time and money I spent (spend) on you girls. It was never about stuff. Or paying back debts, settling accounts.

I planted the seeds God asked me to plant. I showed you who you could be. To work together with God, with every person in the world, all creating something, someone, more than was there before. Virtues, when given away, always produce more than the value of what they were before. And that's the kind of woman Proverbs 31 describes.

Our pastor just started a series on Proverbs. He pointed out that the first 9 chapters all focus on getting us to fall in love with this woman named wisdom. I find it significant that the book ends describing a real world manifestation. A lot of the specifics don't apply. The character does, though. Hard work. Wisdom, which begins with God. A willingness to sacrifice for the people in her care. And even some of those who aren't. Wisdom and character are inseparable. Two sides of the same coin. Working together. Isn't that something beautiful?

Comes in Threes

I've got these three things bouncing around in my head. And for the life of me, I can't find the common thread. Why these? Why now?

1. Zombie

I found a couple of covers of the song Zombie by The Cranberries. Trying to understand the symbolism, it occurs to me that God sees us just like zombies. I mean zombies like from the movies. Walking dead, driven by instinct and hunger, infecting everything they get their hands on.

He created this awesome, perfect universe. Full of animals, amazing views, and that's just on our own little dust ball. Imagine what else might be out there around other stars, or in other galaxies! He puts us right smack dab in the middle. 

The Bible describes us a spiritually dead. We have this craving to drown discomfort, shame, dis-ease. Just like the hunger of a zombie, this desire drives us into destructive behaviors. 

The Bible writers didn't have the plethora of monster movies we enjoy today. But yeah, I think they're describing zombies. We look like a world full of zombies to God. The good news, unlike the movies, God made a way to restore life. We don't have to stay a zombie. In the movies you go from the world of the living to the undead. In real life, you go from undead into life. Cool, huh?

2. The Right Answer

I have a lot of trouble with open ended questions. I absolutely hate the question how are you. People mean so many different things with these same words. It could be a polite introduction to the real conversation. It could be reactive, asked from habit. It could also be someone probing because they think something's wrong. So what's the right answer?

Hopefully you're thinking there is no right answer. And deep in my subconscious, system 1 has been trained to always find the right answer. That's why these kind of questions are so uncomfortable. I realized this morning that this all started with school.

How do you do well in school? You have the right answers. Read the right words. There is an answer and success is finding the right one. 

I learn rules, systems. The rule in that system was find the right answer. A lesson repeated over 17 years. And, I have to be honest, one that ties nicely with immature emotional development. Worst kind of lesson - one that tells me what I want to hear anyway. What does this mean for teaching Vania?

3. Complain and do

Jesus tells a story, recorded in Matthew 21:28-32, about two sons. Each was sent to work by their dad. In modern terms, he told them to go clean their rooms, for us city dwelling folks. One boy says no way, walks off, and regrets his attitude. He goes and cleans his room. No wait, went outside to work. Sorry, I got lost in my analogy of a parable.

The other boy says sure, Dad. Then just wanders off. Jesus poses the question, who really did what they were supposed to?

I thought of this while brushing Vania's hair. That's never pleasant. Her hair gets knots. Lots and lots of knots. Brushing hurts. And she lets me know. Constantly asking when I'm done, how much longer, or asking me to stop. But she lets me do it.

It's hard while the complaining happens. Yet in the end, I'm proud of Vania for doing what needs to be done. Doing what's right.

Ripples in a Pond

Something happened this weekend that has been running around in my brain. Vania stayed with me last week, before father's Day. She was scheduled to go home Friday evening, come back here Saturday evening, then go home again Sunday. Seems ridiculous. I thought so too. I asked Renee if Vania could just stay straight through Sunday. Easier on everybody. And Vania loved the idea.

I received this back (paraphrased) - Vania can stay but only if you let me (Renee) pick her up an hour late. The but only if is a direct quote. I called her on it. I don't like being threatened and manipulated. And I gave an example of what the response may have looked like if this were just a request instead.

To that, Renee responded by copy and pasting my words. She literally took my example and repeated it back to me. Remember that Renee believes I try to control her. After all, I expected her, as a stay at home mother, to do housework. This is her excuse to justify rebellion. A victim always has an abuser. As a victim, she believes she is no longer responsible for her actions. It's not my fault. Renee wasn't trying to ask in an appropriate way, she assumed I merely wanted control and if she says the magic words then she gets her way. 

So I didn't agree. Vania stayed until the normal time on Sunday. This whole thing left a bad taste in my mouth. All Saturday night and Sunday day, I wanted to say yes, pick Vania up an hour late. I love spending time with Vania. Having an extra hour is great. And it would have allowed Vania to eat dinner at a more normal time. Besides, it was the kind thing to do.

I struggle with being an authority figure. I'm generous. And like most other states of mind, I go overboard. So I really lean towards the lenient and understanding side of the spectrum. It's difficult for me when I need to be more strict. Like any other emotion, once it starts, it goes full throttle. Standing firm was hard. Really hard. I couldn't give in to a petulant child who feels entitled to getting her own way. Even though what she wanted me to do was the very thing I wanted to do. But taking it instead of receiving it poisoned the act itself.

Colliding With

On the other end of the spectrum, I had lunch with a friend today. She paid for lunch since I bought last time. Like me, she struggles receiving gifts. I feel selfish just accepting something without doing something in return. Which gets interesting when you pair that with an inability to compare the value of unlike items. It takes a conscious effort on my part. And I still feel funny for hours.

I believe my friend feels the same way about receiving. Not the value, she figures that out just fine. She once phrased it as "I don't want to owe anyone". So why is it that I can give a gift without any expectation of return, and still find it so hard to accept that other people can too?

My friend is generous. I think receiving a gift automatically triggers a generosity response. Simply saying thank you doesn't feel like it's enough. Maybe it's also a way of feeling out the relationship. Their generosity triggers gratitude and I want them to feel the same way. Hmm, hadn't considered that before.

Anyway, these two stories have something in common - virtue. Virtues must be given. Forgiveness, kindness, integrity, trustworthiness, patience, etc. cannot be taken. This means that the giver has to want to give them.

No, not quite right. Virtues are states of being. A person is one of these. When you treat them as if they are like that, it allows them to let the virtues shine through. Manipulation is doing something to get someone else to do something. I'm saying you already assume they'll act this way because of who they are inside. Our actions are a response as if the person already acts in this manner. 

I give generously to my friend, who goes home in a good mood and gives generously to her daughter, who gives to her children, etc. Virtues always ripple out, growing in strength as they expand. Sin (aka vice) dampens these ripples. Imagine a universe where everyone behave like Jesus did. And the virtues expand day after day after day after day, without anything holding them back. What would that look like?

100% Character

I'm a big follower of Dave Ramsey's financial advice. I think the most important thing I learned was that it matters more who you are than how much you make. In the Financial Peace University classes, Dave liked to say that personal was 20% knowledge and 80% behavior. Funny thing, it turns out that behavior is 100% character.

Jesus used the example of tree and fruit. A good tree produces good fruit. A bad tree produces bad fruit. If we take fruit as representing behavior, then the outcome of our behavior depends on our character that we put into it. Both trees may grow apples. One apple refreshes and nourishes. The other makes you vomit and wretch for hours. Same behavior. Different outcomes.

This means that the behavior is less important than the spirit that we put into it. Remember the famous verse from Samuel?

Man looks on the outside, but God looks at the heart. 

When I got divorced, a few people expressed disapproval when I linked it with housework. That's like saying the problem is with the apple. It is, and it isn't.

Things are unimportant. They are temporal. Easy replaced. Housework, and apples, are unimportant. Does that mean you should go around eating bad apples that make you sick? Well, no. The problem isn't apples. A bad orange makes you just as sick. The problem stems from a bad tree (pun intended).

Even if I throw out all of the bad fruit this year, guess what happens next year? To carry the analogy, there is now a tree producing nothing usable taking nutrients, space, and other resources from trees that actually do the orchard some good. What happens to the offending tree? You cut it down, burn the wood because of the toxins, burn out the stump, and replace it.

That's exactly how Jesus concludes His word picture. Judgement is not about the things we did. It is based on the spirit of the person who did them. 

People Are Always Rational

In the last installment, I talked about some of my rules. And I realized today that I forgot one. A very important one. People are always rational.

I did not say that you can always understand them. Or that they are even right. Just that they are rational.

Proper Logical Form

A logical argument has two parts - a list of premises followed by a conclusion. For example, in the book of Romans, Paul uses the word therefore many times. He's making a logical argument. Paul presents his premises then draws a conclusion from them. The word therefore signals the conclusion, like the equals sign in math problems.

My senior year of college, I took an elective philosophy course on logic. One of my most enjoyable classes. We spent the semester learning how arguments (logical statements, not fights) are formed and validated. One point in particular stood out - every argument must have proper form, even if the argument itself is wrong. The conclusion cannot be right if the argument is not properly formed. But having the right form does not

automatically make an argument right.

When I say people are always rational, I mean that they always base their conclusions on a set of premises that support that conclusion. This stuff dates back to ancient Greece. And it's still in use today because it works. At some point, everything you do and everything you believe trace back to a set of premises that led you to that conclusion. Every time.

Jesus used the analogy of fruit trees. Good trees have good fruit. Bad trees grow bad fruit. Same idea. Good premises make good arguments. Faulty premises may make a sound (correctly formed) but ultimately wrong conclusion. You can trace every action back to the underlying premises. And every action makes sense in light of those premises.

Crazy People

At this point, you can probably identify several people and/or incidents that make absolutely no sense. Time when people behaved irrationally. I disagree. They behaved perfectly rational, we just don't have all of the premises. 

Walk a mile in their shoes. Look at it from their point of view. These are simpler, less nerdy ways of saying the same thing. People are always rational if you know their premises.

Two things stand out to me. Call them corollaries to the rule. First, being rational and being right are completely separate things. And second, logic doesn't change minds.

The doctor recently put me on diabetes medication. I'm what she called "pre-diabetic". And this was a preventative measure. Anyway, the medicine messed with my blood sugar. Which I feel more than know. Those feelings became premises that led to conclusions such being grumpy when the blood sugar dropped too low. Realizing that didn't change how I felt. It did allow me to change the premise. Raise the blood sugar, grumpy goes away.

Persuasion occurs when you convince the other person to change their premises. When I draw wrong conclusions, that means an underlying premise has to change. The deeper this premise lies, that harder it is to change. Why? Because it affects every conclusion that ever followed.

Down the Rabbit Hole

Okay, so you start looking at all of the assumptions, feelings, and past experiences that shape your conclusions today. If you laid out every single one as a logical argument with premises and conclusions. Then you would have to go back and do the same for each premise. And for each of those premises. And so on. At some point, you reach a premise that you cannot prove.

Faith is the ultimate premise. Let this sink in for a second. Underneath all of your beliefs, all of your actions, everything you think and do, lies one or more assumptions based on nothing but your faith that it's true. We often associate the word faith with church. That's wrong. Every single person can trace back everything they believe to some element of faith - a premise that cannot be proven.

Therefore, right and wrong exist outside of logic. That also means right and wrong are bigger than logic. They can be described. But they can't be defined. Let me clarify, right and wrong exist. I'm merely saying that right and wrong exist at some level outside of our rational minds. And the real question becomes, who or what do you believe is out there, at that level?

A Few Simple Rules

A few years ago, I wrote about using rules to navigate interactions with other people. My friend at work asked me what those rules are. I've had to think about it. I'm not sure I even know them all.

I learned very young how to program my system 1 - repetition. I remember sitting in Sunday School, in the church basement. The teacher had given us a verse to memorize. If you could say it from memory, then you got a rules as a reward. For some reason, I really wanted a ruler. As I listened to the other kids say the verse out loud, I started repeating it in my head. When my turn came, I quoted the verse perfectly.

When we got home, my parents asked about the ruler. I told them it was for a memory verse. They realized I hadn't memorized any verse at home. My Mom, I think, came up with a solution - quote the verse to them, to show I really memorized it, and I could keep the ruler. It was a bright yellow ruler. I did quote it to them, perfectly. Even 2 or 3 hours later, I remembered it.

This continued through school. Memorization was merely a matter of repeating the passage, list, or speech enough times that I could reproduce it verbatim. We had an hour bus ride in the mornings. I found that to be a good time for memorizing. I know internally, I broke these things into sections. Almost like a song, the sections and the words followed a rhythm. And by reproducing the rhythm, I could repeat what I had memorized.

These rules were internalized through the same mechanism - repetition. And for good or bad, I don't consciously think about them anymore. All of that to say, it took some effort to discern these few examples.

The Rules

I watched the TV show House. Probably went through the entire series two or three times. Dr. House was a jerk. I like the medical puzzles. They were pretty creative and I don't know enough about medicine to appreciate how unrealistic. But the character of Dr. House was a jerk.

I could be that jerk. I'm not proud of it, but I was pretty manipulative growing up. Somewhere along the line came the rule don't manipulate other people. Don't be too impressed. I make it sound altruistic. Truth be told, it goes right along with my personality.

Be honest. This one can be difficult, especially when it's embarrassing. I do face the temptation to lie rather than admitting wrong. And sometimes it's easier to rationalize than others. I make a conscious effort of defaulting the other way - accepting responsibility and assume that I was wrong.

Be polite, assume other people deserve respect until they prove otherwise. 

Everybody makes mistakes, including me. Forgiveness and grace are the way the world should be.

Everybody lies, even to themselves. Sincerity does not correlate with truth. And yes, this even includes me. I question everything I feel, everything I want. Because I find it very easy to believe my own lies. And even being aware doesn't make me immune.

God exists. This one probably seems a little weird. But it colors everything else. All of the other rules, my response to the world around me, all comes from this most basic assumption.

I don't fully understand God. My understanding will always be limited. And complete understanding is my goal.

I don't understand how I feel.

Crying is not socially acceptable.

Anger is not socially acceptable.

Love is sacrifice.

I have a responsibility to other people and no right to demand anything in return. That doesn't mean other people don't have a responsibility. It means I can't force them to fulfill their responsibilities.

Enough for now? I'm starting to get mentally tangled. 

Time Travel

There's been a discussion in our small group about Pilate's role in Jesus' crucifixion. Each week, the group discusses a couple of questions related to last Sunday's sermon. One of the discussion questions looked at how the Jewish religious leaders convinced a crowd to call for Jesus' execution. How does that interact with submission to church leaders? What do we do when (not if) we disagree with them?

We look back today and think those people should have very clearly known the leaders were wrong. After all, they wanted to kill a guy. But would you support life imprisonment for a repeated child molester? What's the difference? 

We say Jesus was innocent. And according to Roman law, or even our laws today, you would be right. Pilate says as much. Remember that Judaism is legalistic. It's all about the rules. The religious leaders took their power from the rules, or the perceived penalty of violating those rules.

That's why they found Jesus' message so offensive. Jesus taught that the rules weren't enough. You had to follow the rules behind the rules. Unwritten rules that went even farther. This is why Paul says the law could never justify, never restore right standing with God.

Time After Time

Jesus justified - brought us back into relationship with God - through His sacrifice. So what about all those people in the Old Testament who never knew about Jesus? This is the kind of stuff I think about on my walks.

Let me take this from another perspective - can you travel backwards in time? A favorite theme of science fiction, time travel raises questions of changing the past or the immutability of the future. The Terminator movies made an entire franchise off this one question.

I posit that no, you cannot travel back in time any more than you can change the future. Why? Because it already happened. Let's start with an assumption - God exists. If God exists, then we accept that He created the universe, including time. I God created time, then He exists outside of time. In other words, God observes the totality of time.

Moments do not pass. He sees it all as a single, static entity. In the book of Acts, Jesus tells His followers that it is not for us to know the epochs that the Father laid out. In the father's eyes, the story is done and laid out. Our spirit, soul, whatever we call it, simply can't handle that amount of reality.

Did you study infinity in high school? You know, the little side ways "8" symbol. And your teacher, like mine, explained that numbers are infinite because you can always add 1, going on forever. Well, it's even bigger than that. In between the numbers 1 and 2 are an infinite set of numbers. Some of which cannot be represented because they go on forever (Pi). 

Picture that. We have an infinite line representing integers. And at any point on that line you have an infinite number of lines extending off to infinity representing all the decimal numbers between each integer. Does that make your brain hurt like mine?

That's the level that God sees. We can't. We're an image, a reflection, of someone so much more than ourselves.

A Matter of Perspective

Back to the question - what about the people who never knew about Jesus? Imagine you jut won the lottery - $600 million ($600,000,000). The money has been transferred into your bank account. You walk out of the bank and see a $20 bill lying on the sidewalk. A 5 year old also sees it. Would you scoop up the $20 before the kid, or let them have it?

Probably let them. Maybe even hand it to them and smile. $20 doesn't change your life, does it?

Now imagine that you're homeless, see $20 the same time as this 5 year old. Not so easy now, is it. $20 means food. What changed?

Finally, imagine that the lottery was unbelievably huge - $600 billion ($600,000,000,000). How important is $20? Not important at all, is it. I mean, with investment, you could spend $2 billion a year and still have the same amount of money next year. $20 doesn't mean a whole lot.

In the universe, we're homeless and $600 billion doesn't even come close to God's perspective. Time, cause and effect, mean a lot to us. And it makes no difference for God. When He looks at us and the people who died before Jesus, He doesn't see the difference. His perspective is so large that a few thousand years don't change anything. 

I'm not saying that God is indifferent to our perspective. I'm saying that we're not trusting His perspective. We impose our problems on Him, trying to box Him into someone we can manipulate. And there is absolutely no way I can win that fight. He is so far beyond me, that I can't even comprehend it. And yet it's still so very hard to let go.

Redemption

What should I do when I disagree with church leaders? As someone in the group pointed out, no matter what happens, God wins. He takes the evil we do (intentional or not), and makes His good plans happen. My responsibility is doing what He asks of me, now, in this moment. Sometimes that means vocal argument. Sometimes it means quietly submitting. Every time, it means listening to Him. It always seems to come back to that - relationship.

Right and Wrong

So I sat on the porch this morning, sipping tea, thinking about the difference between seeking righteousness and being righteous (in right standing). Jesus taught that we find right standing through Him. And a characteristic of that is seeking righteousness.

What does it mean to seek righteousness? That sounds too churchy. But I don't have any better phrasing. It means thinking about everything you do and say in terms of right and wrong. Yes, black and white. And life isn't so neat, is it?

I'm not talking about legalism, where the rules make you right or wrong. God makes you right or wrong. He decides. Therefore, determining right and wrong means talking to Him. I'll tell you, I'm very good at rationalizing. And when right or wrong depends on me, well, it's hard to tell. Even doing something good can be selfish.

Seeking righteousness comes down to asking God what He thinks. Ironic, doing the right thing falls back on building a relationship. And that brings me back to Jesus being the one way of finding righteousness. No matter how much I seek, I need that relationship to be right, to even understand what right means. And Jesus makes that relationship possible.

I do wrong, way more than I want to admit. I need the forgiveness Jesus made possible in order to try and do what's right next time. Because doing right is what builds the relationship I need in order to know what's right. It's this ever growing spiral where each part pushes along the next which circles back for another cycle. Building on and on.

Where does it end? It doesn't. This is God's forever.

Peace

In the midst of stay at home, I had an opportunity to speak with two friends yesterday - my cor-worker and my daughter's roommate. Peace was the overwhelming common thread. I felt this urging to just blurt out peace comes from God. Not sure that would have helped either one. So instead I'm writing this letter to my daughter with all the things that I wanted to say.

The virus, picking it up from work. Money. Food. Toilet paper. Old cars. A job. A dark, empty office. And just plain being separated. All of these things bring stress. All at once brings a lot of stress. I know that it helps to talk. I know that putting numbers on your money relieves some of the pressure. Or a twelve pack of TP. Or telling a friend who listens.

And yet there is really only one person who can give you peace - God Himself. Look, I know church isn't your thing. I'm not talking about church. I'm talking about a person. We've gone over the morning pages before. Sit down and write 3 pages of whatever pops into your head. I would strongly encourage you to do that now.

The purpose is to be yourself. Open up with all honesty. Let go of the lies we tell ourselves trying to hold it all back and put on a brave face. Look at truth in all its brutal and burning light. Tell God everything He's doing wrong. Because like in any conversation, He talks back. That is where you will find peace.

He already knows how this virus goes. Who gets sick. Who dies. He already knows where the toilet paper is, and if we'll run out. He knows how much money you need and when. Where the job is. None of this comes as a surprise. Or in any way hinders what He intends to accomplish. All He asks is that we believe what He accomplishes is good. Trust that He loves us.

When you were little, first learning to walk, I took you outside to run in the driveway. You very quickly made it down to the street. I gave you a stern "no" as you reached the curb. You looked at me. Then looked back at the street. And I watched as one of those little feet slowly extended out. Another stern "no", slightly louder. The foot withdrew, only to make its way back out over the asphalt. When it landed, I swooped down, picked you up, and spanked you right there. Boy did you wail - for about a minute.

The funny thing is, that was less about keeping out of the road as it was about building a relationship of trust. I gave you a moment of pain in a way I could control to spare you much greater pain that was out of my control. Even at our worst point, we were still building a relationship based on trust.

I'm not saying any of this is God's punishment. I'm saying that even when He does discipline, He does it for our good - building a relationship with Him. How much more is He looking out for us when it isn't discipline?

Peace starts with a conversation. A conversation with the one person who can, with all confidence, bring peace. Start there. See where it takes you.

Speed of Darkness

It's an interesting observation that when you turn on the light, the darkness has to leave first. Therefore, the darkness must travel faster than the light. Right?

Yeah, I know. It's a silly spoof on the laws of physics. And every time I hear it, I imagine this light spreading out from the center. Rushing forward in bright rays as the darkness races, frantically, to find a place. And I wonder, what happens when there is no place?

It made me wonder if this is how it works in the next age, when God returns to our universe in all His glory. He pours Himself into Jesus, spreading from Jesus into us, and then out into everything. Where will the darkness go?

I use darkness as a metaphor for evil. Light, of course, being righteousness. When God's righteousness is front and center every place You look, where will evil go? We know that God is true. When we're in His presence, we can't even lie to ourselves. He knows too much. Friends tell me I'm a good person. And I know there's so much that I'm ashamed of. Plus all of the stuff I don't know yet. Imagine having that shame put front and center before you every second of every day. Knowing you could never be good enough, and knowing that it's absolutely true. Soul crushing.

Hell - the place without God - goes hand-in-hand with judgement and punishment. What if it's not? Those words carry an undertone that God chose to hurt us. What if that hurt is a natural consequence of sin? We long to hide from the truth of God's presence. He puts us to shame. Not just with what we did wrong, but our attempts to cover it up too. When God's light fills the universe, where would you hide?

I think of punishment in terms of reconciliation. I punished my children in an attempt to replace a long term pain with short term pain. The purpose being to teach them right and wrong, bringing them back into our family and to God. That's not what will happen here.

In this scenario, the dark is driven out by the light. It's not reconciling, not balancing. The light takes over. Period. It's all light. So what does that mean?

Selfish Altruism

I sat at lunch today listening to a couple of guys talk about stories. When I sat down, one of them was talking about a Ray Bradbury short story. A smart house survives an apocalypse and slowly breaks down. The conversation centered on Bradbury's point that nature left to itself erodes.

Later in the same conversation, they discussed Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged. One of these gentlemen noted how Ayn Rand treated religion as a kind of selfish altruism. Religious people do nice things because they expect to be rewarded by God. I'm nice because of what I get out of it.

In one sense, Ayn Rand would be right. God does promise reward. And the perfectly natural thing is to seek that reward. And yes, that would be selfish. Ironically, chasing after the reward doesn't get you the reward.

Today's sermon covered Jesus' parable of the talents (Matthew 25:14-29). Our pastor pointed out how the last servant, who just buried the money, acted out of laziness, using fear as en excuse. The master in the story praised the two employees who produced something out of what was provided and returned more than what they had when they started. This aligns perfectly with Jesus' analogies of bearing fruit.

Okay, how is all of this related? God asks us to do what is unnatural, or super natural, if you like. The natural thing is to be selfish - look for what I get out of it. Over and over the Bible stresses what the apostle Paul calls dying to the flesh, or doing what isn't natural. Yes, it is possible to the right thing just because it's right. But it's not natural.

Nature breaks down. Nature always destroys itself. In nature, things decay. Why? Because nature was never intended to exist on its own. God designed a kingdom. He is, after all, a King. He created us as His means of flowing into the universe, bringing new life. Restoring, refreshing, and ordering the universe away from the decay. His life flowing through us into everything around us. Think of the champagne glass pyramid. You pour champagne into the top glass until it overflows and fills the level below. Then those overflow and fill the next level down. All the way to the very bottom. God placed us on the top level to overflow and spill out into the world. But we (I) raise an umbrella and let the champagne splatter on the floor.

This is where Jesus stepped in. He became the very top glass. God pours into Him all His love. Jesus pours into us. And so on. That love, the champagne if you will, makes it possible to act super naturally. Or, as Paul describes it, the flesh submits to the spirit. Life instead of death.

Expression

Like most posts here, this began as an imaginary conversation. A friend made an off handed comment that they can't tell how I feel. Two weeks later, a make believe me starts talking about why...

I hide my feelings. On purpose. I have this image of my mother telling me to control my temper. It's set in their bed room. I don't remember much else, like why. And I know there were plenty of other opportunities for her to say that.

I remember crying a lot when my first pet bird died. We buried him out by the side of the house. I remember crying in junior high. It was a pickup basketball game. I'm short, nonathletic, and uncoordinated. I get picked last and never got the ball. For some reason, this one time, it bothered me. I left the game and one of the older guys came over to check on me.

In all of those cases, the advice was stop feeling. Now that's not what those well meaning people were trying to say. At least I assume so. All I know is that I heard that my feelings were bad and expressing them was socially forbidden. Well, expressing them in that manner, which is the only manner I know how. So either I express myself in an unacceptable way or not at all.

Wait, you say, there's a middle ground. No, there isn't. That's what I'm trying to say. You see this middle ground, but I don't. Like a blind spot, it's just not there.

The only way I can function in this world is by keeping tight reins on my emotions. I can't let go, not for a second. It's happened. And the fallout isn't pretty. It takes a very unique and caring person to see past it. Those people are very rare.

I imagine heaven as a place where either I'm fixed, or everyone else has the patience to put up with the insanity. I try to create that kind of place here for Vania. I suspect that she struggles with this too. And I don't want to suppress her emotions. I want her to feel. To find rest in being herself, the person God created her to be.

Give and Take

I watched a science fiction anthology on Amazon. This particular episode raised the question of what makes us human. Being me, I found something else. The story begins with Earth taking some mineral or something from an alien planet. They end up in a fight with the native inhabitants. I marveled at how the author simply considered it human to take.

Isn't that how the world works? Animals take what they want. We call it survival of the fittest. How many times have you heard the advice take what you want? That's the world left to itself. It's the lie the world asks us to accept - that this world is all there is.

Do you believe in spirituality? Then you already accept that there is more than this world. This begs the question of the nature spirit. Have you ever found a generous animal? Generosity, or even giving at all, is a spiritual concept. The world won't give. The world takes.

We were intended, created, to change the world. Remake it in the image of a God who gives. Imagine with me an entire world where every single person gives and never takes. No one trying to cheat you. Instead, they make sure you get everything you need. Imagine generosity as normal instead of the exception.

I don't pretend to understand why, but God intentionally created a universe that expects us to control it. He enters the universe through us. And His will, His character, brings giving and generosity - making the universe work as He intended.

Tired

I love understanding how things work. For the past couple of weeks, I've felt extra tired. It got bad enough to call it exhaustion. I wanted to know why. That kind of tired always has a spiritual effect. I get irritable and obsessive. So I start to wonder, is the cause spiritual or just the effect?

I think the answer is different at different times. This one started with something physical. The doctor suggested vitamin D supplements. I guess it was low on the last blood test. Apparently though, vitamin D can build up in your blood leading to exhaustion. I quit taking the supplements and started feeling better.

This is what sin has done. Instead of the spirit controlling the body, my body affects the spirit. And when I do these things on my own, I end up fighting God's will. He knew exactly what was wrong. But it still took me days of wrestling to listen. There is this inner resistance to His voice. It takes a lot of energy and hard work to overcome it. I don't like the pain.

More or Less

I've been trying to understand the spiritual side of sex. You probably already know that I have a weird way of looking at the world. The idea of hooking up or dating for the purpose of sex holds a very physical appeal. Yet there's something inside of me that resists. I try talking myself into something that I know is wrong. That tells me there's something more I don't understand. How can I turn down a puzzle like that?

Let me start by acknowledging that this internal resistance is probably a combination of how my brain works and God's protection. I obsess. I go all in and focus myself on one thing at a time. He knows this about me. I completely accept that He uses how my brain works to protect me from myself.

That begs the question, protects me from what? Sex is perfectly natural. God's first command was be fruitful and multiply. He told Adam and Eve to have sex, basically. So why all the other commands around when to have sex?

The flesh, our body, is a physical thing. As such, it has limitations. I'm only so tall, weigh so much. I can't jump very high. I only run so fast (or slow, in my case). Our body, our brain, is acutely aware of limitations. I overcompensate out of a fear of missing out (FOMO).

We rush around doing things before we run out of time (aka die). I want more money because there's a finite supply available. My body tries to eat more than it should to have a larger store of energy (aka fat). The flesh consumes. It's never satisfied. Why? Because you can always run out.

The spirit, on the other hand, has no limitations. It exists in infinity. My spirit stops me from eating myself to death. The spirit always sees more. It knows there is no end.

The flesh wants things. The spirit wants a person. And I think this is the conflict around sex - the flesh fighting against the spirit. Like everything else, the flesh overdoes it out of fear, at the expense of the spirit.

Balance

I've mentioned the 4 motivations before - wisdom, power, wealth, and esteem of others. We look for a balance of these four in our work. We also look for that same balance in our lives. I think sex is no exception. Sex involves both physical and spiritual. I think we look for our sex lives to include all 4 boxes (motivations).

Wait, how does sex involve wisdom? Remember that wisdom is a spiritual need met through spiritual means. I believe this is what would be called connection. A friend noted to me that most women look for an emotional connection first. Believe it or not, men do too.

I think the old adage men give love to get sex and women give sex to get love incorrectly ascribes motivations. I'm of the opinion that men and women want the same things, we simply approach it from a different angle. 

And this is where the English language leaves something to be desired. We use the word emotion to cover both chemical reactions and spiritual states of being. Happiness is chemical. Joy is a state. Sadness is chemical. Sorrow is spiritual. Different chemical reactions drive men and women. Our physical emotions come out differently. 

When those emotions express a spiritual state, it's easy to confuse the two. Men and women have the same spiritual needs, desires. The physical manifestation of those comes across differently, because, well, we're physically different.

Do Not Be Afraid

Fear makes bad choices. Remember, fear comes from the flesh, from limitations. Because it's physical in nature, fear imposes limits. You cannot chose righteousness out of fear. Fear puts everything off balance. It magnifies the physical and minimizes the spiritual. Instead of touching 4 boxes, fear traps us in two. We go unfulfilled. Which of course, creates more fear.

We, and the world around us, were always intended to be controlled by the spirit. That piece of us that understands eternity. Even though the spirit observes entropy, it can imagine God renewing and breathing life back into decay. The piece that knows even though I will die, there's still more. Always more, beyond what I can see. My limitations do not limit God. Hope.

Worthless (adj.)

This morning I was thinking about the idea of someone being worthless. And yes, it was the ex-wife. Can we please move on?

English uses one word for two different concepts. There is intrinsically worthless and selected worthless. Intrinsically worthless means the person or thing has no value in and of itself. They were made that way. And through no fault of their own, simply has no value.

When most people say "I feel worthless", they mean intrinsically. The Bible clearly dispels that myth. God created you, me, us in His image. Counselors argue, rightly so, that every person has intrinsic worth.

Selected worthless betrays that intrinsic worth. A person chooses to hide or refuses to share their worth. Laziness is a form of selected worthless. Intrinsic worthless makes you a victim. Selected worthless makes you wrong.

It's the difference between excuses and responsibility. Excuses blame other people, circumstances, or things for failure. A.k.a., "It's not my fault." Responsibility faces the truth and does something about it.

When the ex-wife said "I feel worthless", she felt selected worthless. Her declaration purposefully confuses it with intrinsic worthless. The statement was an excuse. So here's my question, if you feel worthless, is it masking a fear of doing what's right?

Limitations

Every person has physical limitations. That's not what I'm talking about here. I can't slam dunk a basketball. I'm short, in mediocre physical condition, and simply can't propel my body weight that high in the air. Our bodies, like every physical object, have limitations.

My daughter Vania has physical limitations. Physical limitations define the expression of our value, not the fact of our value. The excuse "I feel worthless" diverts attention away from the expression by confusing it with the fact.

I've been in that dark place where one questions their own worth. And this is exactly what I was doing. Seeing it in someone else simply clarified the thought processes.

In Closing

To the ex-wife, I would say "yes, you are worthless. You choose to be. You chose to hide the expression of your worth out of rebellion towards God." Value must be expressed. Hidden value doesn't mean anything. (Matthew 25:14 - 30)

To my friend, I would say "you are worth something. Not just intrinsically, but in expression. Find God's expression, and you'll reach the stars."