Forgiveness

Renee wanted to talk to Vania on the phone last night. Vania was at Deanna's apartment. So I e-mailed Renee that Vania wasn't available. Her reply: thanks for letting me know. And here's the really weird part - it made me angry. 

I'm trapped in Renee's pattern again. Renee did something hurtful. She is in the wrong. Then she pretends that nothing happened. Renee purposefully acts as if it's all my fault because I was hurt. She feels entitled to get away with what she did. That's our relationship. 

This is not what Jesus meant when He asked us to forgive. This is enablement. Renee wants to continue in her sin. It is a means of deflecting responsibility for what's been done. It is avoidance, not righteousness. It is a lie.

Renee did not decide to be polite on her own. Well, maybe, but given what I know about her, there is someone else in the background telling her this is a good idea. This person listened to Renee's lies, accepted them as their own, and acted on that belief. They put their faith in Renee. They judged me, based on a lie, without any regard for the truth. That bothers me. Okay, way too light. That makes me angry.

Judge Not

Almost everyone has heard where Jesus said "judge not lest ye be judged" (KJV). It comes from the passage where He talks about trying to take out a speck of dust from someone else while there's a log in your eye. Our pastor described it as a large beam stuck in your head, smacking everyone as you keep turning around. I picture the Three Stooges swinging a ladder around.

Jesus wasn't telling us to stop judging. He told us the right way to reach a judgement. Look inside first. Is this really something God wants said? Am I satisfying my own need to feel superior? Jesus says connect with our Heavenly Father first. That doesn't always mean I'm right. It does mean that either way, I learn something about Him, about me, and His relationship with me. Yes, sometimes God lets me get it wrong so that I learn what He already knew.

Jesus told a famous parable about forgiveness. A guy owes his boss $500,000. He doesn't have the money and begs the boss for more time. The boss forgives the entire $500,000 debt outright. The man leaves and runs into a buddy who owes him $100. The buddy doesn't have the money yet and asks to wait until payday. The man gets furious and starts berating the guy. The boss gets wind of the incident. He calls the guy back in and tells him to pay the full $500,000. The point being, extend forgiveness because we're forgiven.

Being me, I notice something else about this story: you are not entitled to forgiveness. Even in dealing with other people, they are not required to forgive you. You have an obligation. If they forgive you, then that speaks to their character. If they don't, then you still have to speak to your character.

Renee grew up in family constantly in debt, behind in payments, taking things that aren't theirs. You can see it even in the way they treat each other. Pretending you did nothing wrong is normal for her. Righteousness comes from herself, her insistence on the truth of delusions, aka self-righteousness. And yes, that makes me angry. We all have hot buttons. This one is mine.

I rely on open and honest communication. I have a huge blind spot relationally. And I cannot navigate a relationship with explicit directions. If someone is busy covering up their sin, they certainly aren't having open communication. And it's impossible for me to relate. I'm not talking about tact. Tact is telling me in a manner that best suits the circumstances. Tact is different from deceit. This is deceit - pretending that a lie is true. Odd, I hadn't planned on this coming full circle.

Disclaimer

Before anybody freaks out, let me throw in this disclaimer. While you are not entitled to forgiveness, I try and adopt a stance that forgiveness is the first route. Notice even in Jesus' parable that the boss forgave the guy at the outset. Forgiveness is how God always intended us to relate with each other. And ironically, forgiveness is what builds strong relationships. Sacrifice being right for a deeper connection with another person.