I'm not so patient. I'm just going to jump right to the other side and say, without any qualification, that if you are a wife you have a responsibility to obey your husband. This passage immediately follows Peter's call for servants to obey their masters. Or in more modern terms, employees obey your boss. And it precedes the call for children to obey your parents. I think that God views all 3 of these relationships the same way, in terms of day to day operation.
I'm a huge fan of Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace. When it comes to personal finance, Dave says to lok at yourself as You, Inc.. You are a business. And in making financial decisions, act and think like a business. Businesses turn a profit from which they can expand, reward hard work, and be charitable. Dave also says that the only ship that doesn't sail is a partnerSHIP. That is true in all of our human relationships, even marriage.
There are never two equals. One will always dominates the other. That is the nature of free will. If we all agreed then there really is no choice. In a friendship, you will bth move in and out of the dominate role. If one person feels unequal, then they simply avoid the relationship.
That is much more difficult in a business. Nothing would ever get done if employees quit over every disagreement. In an effort to maintain the relatinship, both parties agree on the dominate and submissive role. I obey my boss. Now, through God's providence, I work for someone who elects to accept my input. And I constantly remind myself that she is not obligated to do that. It is a reflection of her character (a good reflection, in my opinion).
Peter sets the same thing up in marriage. Like a business, one person has been assigned the dominate role. I cannot say this strongly enough - marriage is not a partnership of equals. It is a boss/employee, or servant/master relationship. And I am not going to qualify it at all. No if's, and's, or but's. The passage is very, very clear.
Peter understood the objections, especially regarding abusive relationships. He addresses it right there - obey anyway and let God use your example. Does this mean a wife should never leave an abusive husband? No. It means that as a wife, you need a strong, deep relationship with your Heavenly Father. And if He tells you to leave, then don't hesitate. But just like a boss r husband, the choice is His to make, not yours.
And this is where I think we go so wrong. God has always been about building relationships. Like children, He starts us with a few simple rules and principles. Then expands on them as the relationship blossoms. The default, the start, is that wives surrender their right to make these choices. They vow obedience, meaning that the final decision rests with their husband.
If you are a wife (or ex-wife) looking for an excuse, throwing out objections and what if, I am saying that you are approaching it all wrong. You are looking for a way to do what is wrong. Instead, you should be looking for more ways of doing what is right. Stop searching for the boundaries of obedience. Start looking for the deep inner field far away from the scraggly edges that is full of soft grass and bubbling brooks. If you go looking for the edge of the cliff, you'll just fall over.
Does this offend you? It should. You should feel this deep inside. Because that is our fallen nature, the one that rebels against God's authority in all of its forms. You are entirely correct that your husband, no matter how well intentioned, at some point will abuse this for a selfish end. And as a husband, I accept that you will, at sme point, disbey for equally selfish reasons. Now we have a conversation about forgiveness. But these facts do not, in any way, change God's authority structure. Marriage, like every ther business on the planet, will never work without obedience.
I want to end with the example that comes to my mind - my grandparents. My grandmother was Italian. Full bloded Italian. She told her father that she could never marry an Italian man because there was only ne head of the house. My brother and I could hear my grandparentds arguing. Even if we were there, my grandmother did not back down from giving my grandfather her opinion. My paresnts once jked they could start a reality TV show - MeeMaw and PeePaw.
I remember sitting in their downstairs, watching TV, hearing them argue through the thin walls of my grandfather's study. He had donated money to some conservative cause. And my grandmother didn't agree with it. They yell back and forth. And when they were done, she comes out, winks at us, then went upstairs and cooked dinner. I realized something that time, that my grandmother went into that argument aknowing she was going to do whatever my grandfather decided. She said her piece, believe me. And she left the decision in his hands. She went upstairs and did the most loving thing she could - made dinner.
I know that my grandparents had some very rough times, long before I was born. I don't pretend it was easy for my grandmother or grandfather. I do know that they both spent time every day reading God's Word and praying. And instead of arguing over who was in control, they argued over facts and opinions. Leaving God always in control. My grandfather was a wonderfully generous man. My grandmother's submission allowed God to direct his generosity. Whereas her control would have killed it. God works when our hearts line up with His. Blind obedience makes no sense. Then again, neither does one righteous man dying for the sins of the world. Somehow, God makes it work.
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