I received this back (paraphrased) - Vania can stay but only if you let me (Renee) pick her up an hour late. The but only if is a direct quote. I called her on it. I don't like being threatened and manipulated. And I gave an example of what the response may have looked like if this were just a request instead.
To that, Renee responded by copy and pasting my words. She literally took my example and repeated it back to me. Remember that Renee believes I try to control her. After all, I expected her, as a stay at home mother, to do housework. This is her excuse to justify rebellion. A victim always has an abuser. As a victim, she believes she is no longer responsible for her actions. It's not my fault. Renee wasn't trying to ask in an appropriate way, she assumed I merely wanted control and if she says the magic words then she gets her way.
So I didn't agree. Vania stayed until the normal time on Sunday. This whole thing left a bad taste in my mouth. All Saturday night and Sunday day, I wanted to say yes, pick Vania up an hour late. I love spending time with Vania. Having an extra hour is great. And it would have allowed Vania to eat dinner at a more normal time. Besides, it was the kind thing to do.
I struggle with being an authority figure. I'm generous. And like most other states of mind, I go overboard. So I really lean towards the lenient and understanding side of the spectrum. It's difficult for me when I need to be more strict. Like any other emotion, once it starts, it goes full throttle. Standing firm was hard. Really hard. I couldn't give in to a petulant child who feels entitled to getting her own way. Even though what she wanted me to do was the very thing I wanted to do. But taking it instead of receiving it poisoned the act itself.
Colliding With
On the other end of the spectrum, I had lunch with a friend today. She paid for lunch since I bought last time. Like me, she struggles receiving gifts. I feel selfish just accepting something without doing something in return. Which gets interesting when you pair that with an inability to compare the value of unlike items. It takes a conscious effort on my part. And I still feel funny for hours.
I believe my friend feels the same way about receiving. Not the value, she figures that out just fine. She once phrased it as "I don't want to owe anyone". So why is it that I can give a gift without any expectation of return, and still find it so hard to accept that other people can too?
My friend is generous. I think receiving a gift automatically triggers a generosity response. Simply saying thank you doesn't feel like it's enough. Maybe it's also a way of feeling out the relationship. Their generosity triggers gratitude and I want them to feel the same way. Hmm, hadn't considered that before.
Anyway, these two stories have something in common - virtue. Virtues must be given. Forgiveness, kindness, integrity, trustworthiness, patience, etc. cannot be taken. This means that the giver has to want to give them.
No, not quite right. Virtues are states of being. A person is one of these. When you treat them as if they are like that, it allows them to let the virtues shine through. Manipulation is doing something to get someone else to do something. I'm saying you already assume they'll act this way because of who they are inside. Our actions are a response as if the person already acts in this manner.
I give generously to my friend, who goes home in a good mood and gives generously to her daughter, who gives to her children, etc. Virtues always ripple out, growing in strength as they expand. Sin (aka vice) dampens these ripples. Imagine a universe where everyone behave like Jesus did. And the virtues expand day after day after day after day, without anything holding them back. What would that look like?
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