A Few Simple Rules

A few years ago, I wrote about using rules to navigate interactions with other people. My friend at work asked me what those rules are. I've had to think about it. I'm not sure I even know them all.

I learned very young how to program my system 1 - repetition. I remember sitting in Sunday School, in the church basement. The teacher had given us a verse to memorize. If you could say it from memory, then you got a rules as a reward. For some reason, I really wanted a ruler. As I listened to the other kids say the verse out loud, I started repeating it in my head. When my turn came, I quoted the verse perfectly.

When we got home, my parents asked about the ruler. I told them it was for a memory verse. They realized I hadn't memorized any verse at home. My Mom, I think, came up with a solution - quote the verse to them, to show I really memorized it, and I could keep the ruler. It was a bright yellow ruler. I did quote it to them, perfectly. Even 2 or 3 hours later, I remembered it.

This continued through school. Memorization was merely a matter of repeating the passage, list, or speech enough times that I could reproduce it verbatim. We had an hour bus ride in the mornings. I found that to be a good time for memorizing. I know internally, I broke these things into sections. Almost like a song, the sections and the words followed a rhythm. And by reproducing the rhythm, I could repeat what I had memorized.

These rules were internalized through the same mechanism - repetition. And for good or bad, I don't consciously think about them anymore. All of that to say, it took some effort to discern these few examples.

The Rules

I watched the TV show House. Probably went through the entire series two or three times. Dr. House was a jerk. I like the medical puzzles. They were pretty creative and I don't know enough about medicine to appreciate how unrealistic. But the character of Dr. House was a jerk.

I could be that jerk. I'm not proud of it, but I was pretty manipulative growing up. Somewhere along the line came the rule don't manipulate other people. Don't be too impressed. I make it sound altruistic. Truth be told, it goes right along with my personality.

Be honest. This one can be difficult, especially when it's embarrassing. I do face the temptation to lie rather than admitting wrong. And sometimes it's easier to rationalize than others. I make a conscious effort of defaulting the other way - accepting responsibility and assume that I was wrong.

Be polite, assume other people deserve respect until they prove otherwise. 

Everybody makes mistakes, including me. Forgiveness and grace are the way the world should be.

Everybody lies, even to themselves. Sincerity does not correlate with truth. And yes, this even includes me. I question everything I feel, everything I want. Because I find it very easy to believe my own lies. And even being aware doesn't make me immune.

God exists. This one probably seems a little weird. But it colors everything else. All of the other rules, my response to the world around me, all comes from this most basic assumption.

I don't fully understand God. My understanding will always be limited. And complete understanding is my goal.

I don't understand how I feel.

Crying is not socially acceptable.

Anger is not socially acceptable.

Love is sacrifice.

I have a responsibility to other people and no right to demand anything in return. That doesn't mean other people don't have a responsibility. It means I can't force them to fulfill their responsibilities.

Enough for now? I'm starting to get mentally tangled.