Walk by the Lake

I wanted to say thank you for going out of your way to acknowledge my feelings. Something happened that made it stand out. I'm grateful to my friend for her thoughtfulness and compassion.

Two days ago. I made Vania go on a walk with me down by the lake. I like walks. The lake walk has few people. It's very pleasant. Well, until Vania demanded to go home just a few minutes into the walk. Frankly, it hurt my feelings. And I told her so.

Today, Vania comes out to the living room, turns on Youtube, grabs a blanket, lays her head in my lap, and falls asleep. No I'm sorry. For two whole days, there's not one word acknowledging my feelings. I recognize this behavior. Renee did it. Deanna and Lucy did it. The entitlement is followed closely by bitterness and depersonalization. I don't think Vania has any understanding of what happened.

Repentance is a necessary ingredient of forgiveness. Repentance says I hurt you, I know that I hurt you, and I chose to put you above me. Without repentance, forgiveness is merely getting away with what's been done. Sadly, this seems to be exactly what most people want - get away with it. It's the addicts way of thinking. We are merely an object to be used for their own ends.

Thank you for the love you show. It means a great deal.

Feelings don't measure right and wrong

 I have to get this off my chest. You live your lives as if your feelings define right and wrong. That is a very dangerous lie. I wish you could see it the way that I do. Anyway, I'm trying to say...

• Why I think you believe this
• Feelings do not measure right and wrong
• Your feelings do not measure right and wrong

Why I think you believe this

My natural communication style is to listen, test, and adapt. I'm fairly quiet around new people. And I try to listen. I learn how they communicate, what they think is important. Then I test and use their reactions to guide how I communicate with them. It works well with professors and teachers.

I feel like the few conversations we've had happened in a vacuum. There was no engagement. No communication. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with that.

When I ask for more information, I simply hear your claims re-iterated. No evidence. No facts. Simply your statement of what you want the truth to be. I hear that I'm wrong. I only hear feeling statements. Feeling statements said as if they are a substitute for facts.

The dictionary defines gossip as casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people, typically involving details that are not confirmed as being true. How many friends have you talked to? How many times did you talk to your mom and not me? With each other? How did you confirm what's true? By asking people who weren't there? By complaining to people who are not involved and can't do anything?

The human brain naturally links memories with emotions. We are supposed to remember similar situations when we feel a certain way. It is also possible to trick this mechanism by repeating a false narrative in relation to the feelings. That narrative becomes true or right. It comes back when the feelings return.

In this way, shame becomes an excuse for revenge rather than a call to fix a problem. When the next person triggers shame, the false narrative takes over, reinforcing itself. Gossip builds that reinforcement. Feelings take over, facts are ignored. And you sincerely believe. Mistaking sincerity for truth.

Feelings do not measure right and wrong

Let's for a moment accept that feelings define right and wrong. I'll also concede, for the sake of argument, that making you feel bad is wrong. That also means making me feel bad is wrong. Correct?
The argument there is that I deserve it. I hurt you first. You were responding to me hurting you. So what about all of the times, as a baby, that you cried because you didn't get your way? That hurt me. Am I not right to get revenge also?

That's the problem with revenge as justification. How far back do you go? And there is always a way to go back. This is the central issue with feelings as moral judgement. Your feelings are under your control, not mine. Using feelings as right and wrong makes me responsible for them. That's simply not true.

You are not responsible for my feelings. When I deal with depression, it's not your fault. When I get mad, it's not your fault. You may have precipitated it with an action. You may be responsible for the consequences (aka Dad's mad at me). But you are not morally culpable for my anger.

Likewise, I am not morally culpable for your feelings - shame, guilt, anger, etc.. We are morally culpable for our actions. Actions based on negative feelings are very often wrong. Feelings may explain an action. Feelings cannot excuse an action.

That difference is very important. Feelings are a part of who you are and how you perceive the universe. They do not excuse what you do. Right and wrong exist outside of feelings. Where?

Your feelings do not measure right and wrong

The last part I want to address is the mistaken belief that only your feelings matter. Saying feelings measure right and wrong is ridiculous, as shown above. Everyone has their own feelings and they can be radically different. No, in order to justify behavior, one must believe that only their own feelings matter.

That's called selfishness. One places themselves at the center of the universe as judge over right and wrong. It's arrogance.

That's the lie at the center of all these things. Nothing I say or do will matter as long as this lie persists. I understand the anger. I am intentionally chipping away at this core tenant. This central belief that you so desperately want to hide. Everyone knows that it's wrong - in someone else.

When the Bible talks about repentance, it means turning away from this lie into the truth that God defines right and wrong. These awful feelings that come with destroying the lie are a beginning, not an end. It feels like death. It is, metaphorically, death. Death to be reborn into life. Life with new feelings. Life based on truth. Let's talk about that. How do we do that?

Quarrels and Gratitude

My pastor posted this article on Facebook. I won't lie, Vania. All I could think about was your mom. 

https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/am-i-the-quarrelsome-wife?fbclid=IwAR3puek99whg1fXKh35T2d_1JvGG_J37h_Rk55ZyXbth3UvKbk7qmuWcbVk

Like most other things, I also saw a connection to something else, ironically, from Sunday's sermon by the same pastor. He's preaching through Acts and the start of the early church. He made a point of how they shared a meal.

In Thou Shalt Prosper, Rabbi Danial Lappin explains that human beings are physical and spiritual beings. As opposed to animals, who are purely physical beings. When humans put a ritual around something natural, it brings a spiritual significance to an otherwise physical act. Human beings cook, add spices, sit at a table, and share meals. Animals eat. We spiritualize eating by adding ritual.

What's the connection? A quarrelsome wife quenched her spirit. She devolves a home into merely a house.

Behavior

The article talks about unfilled desire as a cause of quarrels. To fulfil her desires, the quarrelsome wife uses the same negative behaviors as an addict. She rationalizes her behavior, just like an addict. If they target just does what I want, then they won't get hurt. It's their fault, not mine. The quarrelsome wife is abusive and bullying.

And it doesn't take yelling to be quarrelsome. Passive aggressive anger is just as destructive as outright yelling. In many ways, it is more insidious. The key is that a quarrelsome knows that she is quarrelsome. She has, at some point, made the decision to get what she wants. She knows that it's wrong. And doesn't care. The spirit, right and wrong, has been quenched.

Whatever it was this woman desired doesn't matter any more. It is more important that she take what she wants. Receiving her desire is no longer enough. She wants what she wants on her terms, and her terms alone. The thought of being cut off frightens her so much, that she will do or say anything.

Conclusion

I disagree with the article's conclusion. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, why not just call it a duck? Addiction, real addiction, takes an enormous amount of effort to overcome. The quarrelsome wife has a lot of painful, hard work ahead of her. Yes, that certainly includes more gratitude.

Vania, I write this not because I think that you are quarrelsome. I write it so that you will recognize quarrelsome people when you see them. So that you understand the importance of choosing God in even the smallest things in your life. And why He asks us to live in gratitude.

Ready, willing, and able

I saw this quote recently on Facebook. 

“Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent.
Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?”

― Epicurus

Like everything, I over thought this one and came up with 3 things to say, because I can't pick just one. 

1. The first thought was at what cost? What are the consequences of making evil just disappear?
2. Then I realized that God HAS solved the problem of evil. IS solving the problem of evil. We're just not experiencing the full effects of it yet.
3. And finally I see that the questions themselves have an unspoken, underlying assumption - God should just snap His fingers and make evil disappear.

Things in common

In order to address Epicurus' questions, I considered the nature of evil. Evil is like darkness. Darkness is not a thing. Light is a thing. Darkness is our word for the absence of light. Evil is not a thing. Righteousness is a thing. Evil is the absence of righteousness. God doesn't prevent evil. God fills us with righteousness.

Evil comes from our will, our desire. We drive out God so that we can sit in His place. Like a shadow, we block light, making darkness. We block His righteousness, making evil. To "make evil disappear" means taking away our will. We are no longer us, like computers or machines that blindly follow what someone else builds them to do. Not by choice, but simply by nature. A very heavy price, indeed.

A different way

Instead, God made a way to re-enter our lives, to bring back the light. More importantly, His way only costs Him, not us. We remain who we are. We accept Him in His place. And the shadows disappear. Evil goes away because there is only righteousness.

No, that does not describe today. Darkness still exists today. Sometimes it seems like the shadows are deeper than the light is bright. He laid the groundwork, let everyone know what He's done, and our hope is that this time is coming.

Oh, snap!

The entire basis of Epicurus' questions was that God should act in the way we want, in the time we want. I don't want that. My perspective is much too limited. I can barely handle the small amount of reality that I perceive every day. Being responsible for all of time, over all of space, is unthinkable.

From my mortal viewpoint, limited to maybe 70 or 80 years, in this little dust ball in a cosmos so big we can't measure it yet, it sure looks like God takes His sweet time curing evil.

From His viewpoint, where the next TRILLION years is less than one second of one minute in one day of my life, He is snapping His fingers. This is all moving very fast. And the brief time that evil existed will be nothing more than a single digit of Pi plucked from the middle of this unrepeating, never ending decimal. Long forgotten and crowded out by the sheer volume of forever.

Willing. Able. And did it. Because He is God.

Fallen Trees

 Vania,

Remember we talked about the tree that fell down in the wind? How the roots spread out but not down? When the wind blew, there wasn't anything to hold the tree in the ground. So it fell over and died.

Relationships with people are like that, Vania. They need depth in order to stand. Do you also remember telling me you wanted a nap to get out of a bath? How that wasn't true - it was a lie? Lies are trees that grow tall, sprout leaves, and have no roots. Lies have no depth. When the wind comes, the relationship falls over and dies.

Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised. Reward her for all she has done. Let her deeds publicly declare her praise. -- Proverbs 31:30-31

Vania, the best way to have a relationship with anyone is to have a strong relationship with Jesus. He is your root, your anchor. Those "deeds" the verse talks about? Those are the leaves of the tree. A tree rooted in Jesus stands no matter the wind. His root goes deep and spreads far. Don't worry about the leaves. They'll grow from the root.

Before you were born, there was a single rose bloom that kept sprouting up in our yard. I would mow it over week after week. It just kept coming back. Finally, I dug it up. This single stalk flower had a good 12 inch root that was huge. That's why the flower wouldn't die. I replanted that root and the rose continued to thrive.

When we focus on obeying Jesus, listening to His voice, He becomes our root. Jesus doesn't expect us to always know what's right. He expects us to listen. He'll tell us. We trust Him. He trusts us. And your relationship grows, like a huge tree. Rooted to the earth so deeply that the wind can't blow it over.

If you are faithful in little things, you will be faithful in large ones. But if you are dishonest in little things, you won't be honest with greater responsibilities. -- Luke 16:10

Trust always begins in the little things. Doing your chores without being asked. Reminding me that you need a bath. Each truth you tell to yourself builds your strength. One day, you will need that strength. One day, you will have to tell the truth when it isn't little, when it's hard. That moment is like the wind. I want your roots to be strong, deep.

I love you so much, Vania. Jesus loves you even more. I hope you always talk to Him. Thank Him when you're happy. Cry when you're angry.

Individual Spirituality

 As often happens in my brain, a couple of things collided, forming a new thought. Well, new to me. I guess that what counts.

The first was a blog post from a college friend entitled Ocean of Prayer. I spend a lot of time in my own head. It never occurred to me that people might need structure to do that. The uniqueness even among people with so much in common astounds me. It comes as no surprise then that we all follow the same Christ in so many different ways. Of course there are different denominations. There are different people. All with different skills, needs, and preferences.

The second came from a book series I re-visited - the Foundation series by Isaac Asimov. I just finished the fourth book which brought in a planet called Gaia. As I understand it, the term gaia refers to a universal consciousness. And in the book, this planet is "one" with its inhabitants, plants, rocks, etc.. The idea of individual becomes lost.

It has opened my eyes to the importance of the individual in the Bible. Of course you have the famous parable about the 1 lost sheep. Shepherd takes his flock back to the pen for the night. He counts them going in. He left with 100, only 99 made it back. Shepherd goes chasing after the 1 lost sheep. 

The shepherd doesn't abandon 99. He makes sure that those 99 are safe and sound first. Then he goes after the 1. It's not that 1 was more important. It's that all 100 were important - as individuals. It could have been any one of those sheep. And at different times, it probably was. It may be a convenient short cut to refer to them as flock. But that shepherd knew them as individuals. He cared for them as individuals.

Going back to the balance among motivations - wisdom, power, wealth, and esteem of others. We have a spiritual need to reshape things in our image. Our homes reflect our personality. Do you paint? Each work reflects something about you. These ramblings that I spew onto the Internet, they reflect something about me. The more I reflect God's image, the more these things take His shape also. And yet, it's never just Him. There is something unique in how I reflect God.

That's individuality. I propose that was God's intention all along. That we, as unique individuals, grow more like Him, but not the same as Him. We hold much in common, but in different ways. The Bible, the gospel grows individuals. 

Why is that so important?

Going Sideways

This past Sunday, we started a series on church polity. Fancy word for how churches may organize themselves structurally. This specific church calls itself elder led. The teacher explained it as both the elders (leadership) and congregation having authority. It's authority over different things.

In my head, this turned the organizational chart on its side.

        /-- Elders
Jesus -<
        \-- Congregation

Now I'm going to switch from saying authority to using the word responsibility. At their heart, these are the same thing. Responsibility is assigned sideways, not down (or up). Jesus said that all power in heaven and earth has been granted to Him. He shares it, sideways, with His joint heirs.

It occurs to me, that if God views His relationship with us that way, does He view other relationships the same way - sideways? We look at so many things as a hierarchy - nature (food chain), businesses, government, marriage, children. Someone is in charge. Someone is at the top. It's our natural point of view.

But what do these relationships look like on their side? Did God create animals and nature with a responsibility? A responsibility different from human beings? God's first instruction to Adam and Eve was to subdue nature. Not control nature, subdue it. Their charge was to direct nature as it carried out its responsibilities. Adam and Even did not give nature responsibility. They directed its actions as nature fulfilled its responsibilities.

How does that look in a family? Years ago, a professional producer gave a one day workshop for my church's worship team. He explained the different roles of the different band parts as a cake. The bass line was the cake. It created a structure. The melody was icing that went around the structure. Fast forward many years, and my friend says that she thinks of spirits as waveforms. This discussion of sideways relationships combines these two concepts.

God created the base wave form. Our obedience, or submission, allows us to add our own distinctive form on top of His base. God set the tone. We play off that. Couldn't this also apply to our own interpersonal relationships? When we submit, we allow the other person to set the tone. We play off of them. Obedience is not about control. It's about direction. Obedience isn't vertical. It's sideways.

Old Clay Pots

Have you ever told someone that they're worthless? Do you ever feel worthless? Has someone told you that you are worthless?  Were they wrong?

That probably feels awkward. You would usually expect some kind of encouragement. A soliloquy about how everyone matters to God. The truth is, they don't.

The Bible quite clearly divides humanity into two groups. And whatever labels you use, one group receives God's boundless grace while the other gets ignored. Well, the Bible uses language such as cast out, utter darkness, torment. In church tradition, we refer to this as Hell. What do you think this means?

It is God turning His back. Those in this condition are simply ignored. They are of such little consequence that God stops paying attention to them. At all. Isn't that worthless?

Somewhere in the Old Testament (Jeremiah or Isaiah?) is the illustration of a potter. A potter creates pots. The potter makes very ornate pots, putting them on display for sale. They bring much needed food, clothing, etc. to their creator - the potter. These pots have value to the potter. He will care for them. Protect them. They're not used for common, everyday tasks.

On the other hand, the potter has some pots that have defects. The potter created them with the intention to discard them because he needed that pot for another purpose. When it serves that purpose, the pot becomes worthless. Not even fit for a menial task like hauling water.

Which pot are you? I don't know. Neither do you. We can't see forever. God knows. The potter knows. And He sent the person Jesus Christ to gather His pots. When you feel worthless, is your first instinct to run to Jesus and ask?

Probably not. I go into my head. Self righteous feels good in that moment. Of course I'm not worthless, I say. But what good does that do? Can I will myself to live forever? Can I, merely by choosing, change the course of the world? Affect a single black hole wandering through the universe? Guide the sub-atomic particles hurtling through the vastness of the cosmos to their destinations and make them bond with other particles to form elements and worlds and stars? Nope. I can't even stop my hair from turning grey.

My own valuation of myself is completely meaningless. Your evaluation of me is completely meaningless. I'm pretty sure you can't do any of these things either. And even if all the billions and billions of people in the world join together, they can't do that either. The value that I ascribe just isn't that much.

The value Jesus gives, well that's astronomical. Power over life and death. He commanded the weather. Re-arranged matter (water into wine). Kicked immune systems into place (aka healed the sick). And raised Himself from the dead. This is value. His value of me, His opinion of me matters a lot.

If you are worthless to Him, aren't you truly worthless? I see this pattern that God doesn't do anything small. We live on a large world, in a huge solar system, on an even more impressive galaxy, inside an immeasurable universe. He created us forever - no end. Our movies only last 1 to two hours. His story goes on and on. Nothing He does is small.

The same goes for hope and despair. You can read this and be happy beyond measure because Jesus told you, tells you, that you belong to Him. You matter. He gives you value - and all that other stuff too. Or you can read this and go into despair. Only one person knows your place - Jesus.

So my point? Your hurt feelings do not determine right and wrong. I'm not dismissing your feelings. They are real. Relationships are important. And if a friend told me they felt this way, I would reach out with empathy and love. But, sadly, that's all I have to offer. Jesus has way more. So start there. Start with His truth, with Him.

Obedience, revisited

I've been thinking over obedience lately. I think it gets a bad rap. We tend to associate obedience with controlling. As a matter of fact, I've known people to use that very misconception as an excuse for being disobedient.

In the early stages of a relationship, obedience often comes with a significant measure of obedience. For example, when I first started in my current job, I did a lot of exactly what I was told. I complied a lot. That's how I learned. It's how I earned the trust of the people I serve. 

After a while, I began asking if I could change something. When several of those worked out (and a few didn't), they began asking for input. Our relationship grew based on trust. Obedience plays a key role in establishing trust. The goal of obedience was and always is a deepening relationship.

God established this early on. The very first books in the Bible spell out a lot of rules. In the early stages of His relationship with us, obedience involved a large degree of control - compliance. But it doesn't stay there. The people considered heroes in the Bible all showed faith. Obedience established trust. Trust brought a deeper relationship.

Obedience in marriage is not about control. It's about communication. It establishes roles. A husband bears responsibility for the decisions he makes. God clearly expects those decisions to involve sacrifice on his part, place his family's needs above his own, and fall in line with God's own principles.

A wife can and should give input to her husband. She has an obligation to persuade him. That takes work learning his style, lingo, and preferences. Manipulation occurs when he's deceived about why. Persuading your husband to move in a direction God asks = very good. Saying that just to get your own way = very bad. Do you understand your own motivations that well?

The goal is always trust. When practiced over many years, the lines become blurred. That's okay. That's what should happen. Proverbs 31 describes a desirable wife as one who conducts business independently, but in coordination with her husband. Rather than control, her obedience led to greater responsibility and a deeper relationship. 

God starts us out on the easy stuff - just like I did with my kids. As we mature through out obedience, He gives us more responsibility and more complex situations. And once you think you've got it, blam! He'll hit you with something that doesn't fit anything you think you understand. There is always more.

Obedience is not training. Dog's are trained. People obey. Obedience comes from the obedient person. Training comes from the master. They're backwards of each other. Training makes the dog subservient. Obedience elevates your stature. Sounds weird, right? How can doing what someone else says make me more? Because every relationship has 3 people - you, me, and God.

Should a wife express her opinion, desires, and ideas? Absolutely. Obedience merely describes the how, not the what. It's how you approach your husband, boss, pastor, God, etc.. That you should approach him is never the question.

Does that make sense? Am I rationalizing? I don't know. I need to learn a little more.

Connection

 I'm struggling with a mix of emotions right now. And they're all related to a couple of things that happened recently.

A few weeks ago, one of my elementary school teachers was arrested. It might be valid, and it might be a false accusation. Honestly, I have no idea. My point is that today I remembered having a dream about being in elementary school again. I saw the gym where we waited for school to start in the winter. Even walked through it in my dream. Then a friend sent me the news clipping about this whole scandal. I didn't make the connection until today.

I say this because something similar happened this week. I started out in a funk this week. Irritated at every little thing. And a vague feeling of powerlessness. I have been wracking my brain (and praying) about why. Today, my ex e-mails me. She gave my youngest daughter a phone and set up an second Google account.

My daughter has had an Android tablet for several years. She has history, e-mail, and content already under a Google account. My ex has received, accepted, and declined appointments for years that went to my daughter's account. Yet the ex set up a brand new one. Threw all of the history and purchases out the window. (Sorry, I'm still mad. It bleeds through.)

That was all in motion earlier this week - during the funk. I think my feelings were related to those actions. Spiritually, I felt my ex's hurtful actions.

My friend at work calls us empaths. We get along so well because we understand each other. I think empathy means more than just emotions. I think it's more spiritual. It expresses itself through emotions. Empathy may come through the part of the brain that deals with our own emotions. Makes sense. I re-use subroutines all the time.

I don't understand the mechanism. Do we all have this? Is it part of our spiritual being? Is it God speaking, guiding? Preparing me for something that's coming. Is it because the spiritual realm isn't constrained by time. And I'm feeling spiritual changes before they become realized in the physical world? Is this what we lose when we die to the spirit?

I think God does use this mechanism to speak. I think He uses empathy to the extent the person feels empathy. Empathy is not a measure of connection with Him. Not all empaths live in the Spirit. And not everyone in the Spirit has the same empathic ability. Like everything else, I think God created me with a unique combination and tailors our relationship that way.

Concrete Application

Ever heard the justification I'm not hurting anyone but myself? I'm here to say that's a lie. I am hurt, whether you meant that or not. I am hurt because I feel it. You can't change that. You can't stop it. You can't control it. When I connect with someone, their feelings invade my own - like this week.

You are hurting someone. I spent two decades married to this woman who told me every day that her sin is my fault. My oldest two daughters hurt me rather than feel remorse or shame. An old "friend" who told me I was wrong because I didn't obey her social rules on Facebook - just because she didn't like the facts in what I said. I am surrounded by people who impose their feelings on me. Define right and wrong on their feelings. Yet have no regard whatsoever for mine.

I'm a thinker. I internalize everything. I think that's selfish. Placing ones self at the center of the universe - everything revolves around your feelings. But don't point that out.

A scorpion always stings. And the emperor has no clothes. People are messy. I'm no exception.

Power is not abuse

I find it ironic how God works in themes. I try working something out. Then all of sudden things happen right along that very subject. Yes, a little bit of it comes from my own perception (or lack thereof). Still, other events independent of me coincide just perfectly. It's not so much God manipulating events around me. It's Him leading me in preparation of upcoming events.

Either way, I'm writing today about obedience - specifically, obedience between husbands and wives. 

We had a men's gathering for church yesterday morning. The topic was our relationship with women in the church as sisters. As one point in that whole lesson, the speaker touched on marriage - husbands and wives. I like his take that marriage is an anamoly. It is one woman with whom our relationship is different. And, of course, this touched on the subject of authority in marriage.

Full disclosure, I was a little disappointed. It seemed to follow the theme of our day - men exercising power are abusive. I understand why the speaker has this point of view as he has heard and lived these stories. It strikes me as incomplete. My experience with an abusive wife is much different. So I struggle with where does a balanced view lie.

Men, in their abuse, tend toward a more aggresive posture. Aggression is easily seen and related with. It pulls on the heart strings. We suddenly forget about questions of right and wrong. Someone is hurt. We need to save them. We have replaced right and wrong with feeling good. We have been manipulated, moved from focussing on Jesus into focussing on our pain (aka sympathy).

My point is, right and wrong come from God. Our relationship with Him, through His Son, Jesus, is the only real definition for right/wrong. If God says this woman is abused, help her, you should. If God says deal with her sin first, then you should do that. But first and foremost, you need to talk with God. What you see is incomplete. A picture painted by the people directly involved. And that picture has parts of them in it. God has the whole picture.

Getting back to the topic at hand... God gave wives (not women, wives) the responsibility to submit to their husbands. I think of it in terms of a business. Someone yesterday made the point that in Biblical times, the family was the economic unit. All businesses were inherently family businesses. In that vein, in our business, I submit to my boss. I run new ideas by her. I give her the authority to make decisions. She knows more about the current state and direction of the business than I do.

In turn, my boss and I have worked together for many years now. She trusts my recommendations. Listens to my opinions. And even sometimes lets me make decisions. I trust that she wants to keep the business open and paychecks flowing, serve our clients, and help everyone on our team grow. We built a relationship. And that's the key - obedience is about building the relationship. Obedience is not the goal. Obedience is the first step. And as the relationship matures, the nature of obedience changes.

We are all sinners - men and women alike. Men can abuse their wives submission. Wives can abuse their husbands authority/responsibility. Someone married for 30 years will and should have a very different relationship than when they got married. 

Responsibility

 Couple of Sundays ago, the pastor said authority and responsibility are the same thing. I remember this, because in my head I always phrased it authority and responsibility are two sides of the same coin. And something occurred to me on a walk. This is part of the mechanism to forgive our sin.

I love to figure out how things work. So yes, I think about how one person dying 2,000 years ago can be enough to cover all the things wrong with me, let alone all of the other people too. Jesus told His disciples all authority in heaven and on earth is given to me. That's how He can also accept responsibility for our sin. Jesus was in charge. If He has the authority, then He has also chosen to accept the responsibility. 

That blows my mind. This is a true leader. God gave Jesus authority so that Jesus could take the responsibility. Not just responsibility for what I do wrong. Responsibility for fixing it. So He has the authority and means to fix the world. And accepted the job of doing so.

Yes - fix the world. He starts with us. A little bit at a time. Over time. Preparing us for the real fix. The one that's coming.

Sorry, going down a rabbit trail. Back to the point. Jesus' authority provides the means for His taking the responsibility for me. And because He takes that, I don't need to worry. The responsibility for being good no longer falls on my shoulders. I still want to be good. Not because I have to. Because that's the kind of person I want to be my friend. Gratitude. 

Guilt

Watched season 14, episode 9 of Grey's Anatomy. In this episode, an abusive husband comes back to haunt the Jo Wilson character. I really dislike those kind of story lines. It's who Renee wanted me to be. She spent many years telling me that I was that person.

Now, after 20 years of being told in every discussion that I was abusive, I do get angry. I get very angry and I lash out at Renee. Sadly, lashing out is also the only way to get information from her. I feel trapped between a rock and a hard place.

The worst part, even talking about can be passed off as denial. Who is going to believe that a wife is gaslighting her husband? And if it hurts me, if I respond in any way, then it merely confirms the lie - I'm abusive. I can't feel. I can't be angry. Renee only responds to anger.

I wish I had the patience Jesus displayed. I don't. So I listen to Him. I tell Him. And then I do something, knowing that sometimes I'll be right (even if it's mean) and He'll testify on my behalf when I'm not. I belong to Him. He knows the truth, even the ugly parts. I trust Him.

"Excuse" me

 Today's topic is excuses versus explanations. I'm sure I looked weird walking around the neighborhood muttering to myself about this one.

Excuses - good ones - sound like explanations. It makes them hard to spot - especially if you tend to giving people the benefit of the doubt. Excuses are reasons to quit. I think of them like witchcraft - magic words to get what you want. Excuses are selfish, always.

Explanations bring you closer to a resolution. Explanations acknowledge facts. Explanations never include motivation. An explanation is not a destination. It is a step towards your goal of restoration - restoring a relationship that you damaged.

Excuses assume forgiveness. Excuses are about control - control through manipulation. Explanations move to the next step - how do I not do this again. What do I do next so that I move away from what was wrong?

This tripped me up about repentance. Turning away doesn't mean stopping yourself from ever doing it again. We can't. Our sinful nature has too much power right now. It does mean that I can do something. A small step. Small steps become larger steps. Explanations are mindfulness. Excuses are denial.

Excuses prevent forgiveness. Excuses justify what you do. If you're justified, then no forgiveness needed. In contrast, when we're justified through forgiveness, we can both acknowledge that we were wrong and restore the relationship. Excuses end relationships. Forgiveness builds them.

Forgiveness allows the other person an opportunity for generosity. They shine. Their character stands out. Excuses make it all about me. They deprive the other person of this opportunity and tells them that they're wrong for their own feelings about what I did. Excuses don't just steal an opportunity. They drive the wedge deeper by compounding the wrong.

Ever heard Dave Ramsey explain compound interest? It's an amazing concept. Over long periods of time, compound interest turns smaller sums of money into larger. Great news for retirement! When I say excuses compound the wrong, I'm thinking the same thing - only bad. Compound interest on a debt will overwhelm you. That kind of bad.

Explanations are extremely valuable. They help you learn about yourself or a friend. Explanations with forgiveness can restore broken relationships. Excuses stop everything in their tracks. Excuses kill. Excuses shut down the conversation. What are your favorite excuses?

Dead Reckoning

 I think too much when I walk. Lately, I've been thinking about forgiveness and repentance. Both involve dying to the flesh, as Paul describes it. Today, my attention focused on the word dying.

Repentance is death. What do we do when someone close to us dies? We grieve. Hopefully by now you've heard the 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I submit that repentance is stage 5 - acceptance.

Repentance

Repentance happens when we accept the truth - I am wrong. We pass through all 5 of these of these stages. Deny that it was wrong. There is no right and wrong. What I did wasn't wrong. And even the blatant "I didn't do it." Delusion, agnosticism, and atheism can be forms of denial.

Anger may attack, blame, or say "you do it too". Bargaining might be promises, excuses, and even accusations. Anything that manipulates the injured party into compromising on repentance. Personally, I find this stage the most difficult to perceive. I have a natural tendency to give people the benefit of the doubt. It makes me vulnerable to many forms of bargaining without realizing. This stage may often look or feel like acceptance. The difference is often only in your heart.

I don't have anything to say about the depression stage.

Acceptance means facing the truth. Jesus taught that behavior comes from the heart. Truth means both consequences and the state of your heart. Accepting the truth of who you are and how that affects the world and people around you. Once you accept the truth, you then accept the responsibility. That breeds repentance. 

Repentance is about your character.

Forgiveness

Ever heard the phrase "forgive and forget"? Or the Psalm where David says that God's forgiveness pushes away our sins "as far as the east is from the west". Forgiveness is not pretending that something never happened. Forgiveness is accepting the cost even though it isn't yours. Forgiveness is about their character (the injured party).

God's forgiveness speaks volumes about His character. That's why it doesn't, in any way, depend on us. That's why bargaining is so dangerous.

Negotiation occurs between equals. By bargaining, the person who did the wrong elevates themselves. The debtor is slave to the lender. Mentally, when bargaining, we view ourselves as equal, not in debt. Not accepting responsibility for our debt.

Revisited

I stepped away for a couple of days after writing that first part. This part happened in the shower. Really, this is my idle time. 

Acceptance is not repentance. Acceptance of the truth is a precursor to repentance. 

A co-worker explained the meaning of dead reckoning. It's a nautical term. The navigator used landmarks and written descriptions to determine where on the coast the ship landed. Long before GPS, a ship headed out in the general direction. Stars and moon ensured they stayed going the right way. But they're imprecise. The chances of following a straight line are pretty much zero. Land fall rarely happened exactly at the port. The navigator used landmarks to identify where the ship was relative to the port they wanted.

Grief is like sailing across the ocean - a long journey across a featureless landscape. A small error in aim makes for a huge difference in destination. We can accept the wrong thing. We're off course. We have veered away from the truth.

God is truth. That's why it is so important that He walk through grief with us. Jesus experienced this same cycle of grief. Jesus was always with God. He fully accepted God's truth. He fully accepted God's grace.

Jesus took the responsibility, the obligation, of our debt to God - the damage we cause His universe - completely believing in the character of God. Jesus knew He would die. He knew God would raise Him from the dead. Because He knew that is who God is. Jesus is our example of what it looks like to accept God's grace. Jesus took responsibility for billions without ever doubting His future. Rather than demand life on His own merit, Jesus allowed God to exercise His character and generously forgive. Jesus truly understood and kept sight of God's character above His own. That blows my mind!

When I veer off course, I start to depend on my character instead of God's. We accept a lie. The lie usually comes in the early stages - denial, anger, bargaining. Sometimes depression and probably rarer in acceptance. But the lie drives us off course. And our acceptance puts us in the wrong place entirely.

This all gave new meaning to the phrase accept me for who I am. That's one of the lies. And a fairly common one. It really means accept me for who I say that I am in spite of all the evidence to the contrary. It's not acceptance at all. It's pretend. Delusion, if you will. For some reason, we like to think that if enough people share a delusion then it becomes real.

Repentance follows when we accept the truth of who we are - really are. And that' hard. Really hard.

One Flesh

Today is another what if post. A question popped into my head while reading Why Does God Care Who I Sleep With? - why does Genesis say one flesh? "...and they shall become one flesh." (Genesis 2:24)

The passage doesn't say "two spirits become one". Flesh submits to the spirit. The spirit interacts with the universe around us - creation - through flesh. Two spirits acting as one flesh are two spirits affecting creation in synch. Their interaction, subduing, and shaping of the universe reflects a harmony as if one alone were working.

Jesus often says I and the Father are One. In this train of thought, does becoming one flesh paint a picture of Jesus' relationship with God? He and His Father work together so closely it looks like one acting alone. Their impact on the universe is completely synchronized. The Bible uses marriage as an image for Christ's relationship with His church. Christ relationship with us reflects His relationship with His Father. What if marriage was always the picture of our relationship with God?

The idea that two people affect the universe in unison reflects the image of how we and God affect the universe in unison - or how we were supposed to. Naturally, in this relationship, we submit to God. God knows every sub-atomic particle floating through the universe over all of time. He has a much better picture than I do. Does this mean that if Adam never sinned, wives still submit to husbands?

I'm not being trivial. Sin brought death because it reverted us into our flesh. The law of entropy takes over. Everything breaks down. Another consequence, God told Eve that Adam will rule over her and her desire would be for him. The tradition of husband as head of the family originates from there. Did God make what was always true clear because He knew we would fight? If we can't be in harmony with Him, how can we be in harmony with each other?

Because of the fall, the submitter and the submitted to are both imperfect. Even if we were perfect, doesn't one spirit still submit to the other in order to maintain harmony? We submit to God, and would submit to God. Jesus submitted to God, His Father. Why would marriage - or any other human institution - be different?

So, yeah, this is the stuff banging around in my brain today. What do you think?

Honor and Acceptance

To Deanna and Lucy...

I was reading Psalms 23 this morning. Around verse 5, it says you prepare a feast for in the presence of my enemies. You honor me by anointing my head with oil. This reminded me of Proverbs which talks about letting God be the one to honor us, not ourselves.

To me, Psalms 23 paints a picture of the ideal working conditions - peace, soft background noise, lack of danger. I can focus on what I need to do, not the rest of the world around me. Rod and staff are instruments that a shepherd uses on his own sheep, to lead them away from danger or wrong trails. They represent discipline as love, not control. Easy and gentle.

Then honor. Then eternity. The Psalm begins with God setting the circumstances, showing us where to go, protecting us as He goes too, followed by honor, esteem or acceptance, and eternity. This is life. And the one common thread is God.

Success does not come from money, education, or even trying hard enough. Success comes solely and entirely from God. Yes, we work. I work. I work hard. I make a conscious effort to be excellent at whatever I do. Sometimes I hit a home run. Others, well, tapping the ball is a victory. 

God not only knows how to pitch soft balls for home runs, He also amplifies that tiny tap so that it accomplishes something more. Success always comes from God. Live your lives for Him, and He will be proud of You. The God who made an entire universe, set planets in motion, and sub-atomic particles hurtling through space, will be proud of you.

Remarkable

Today's post is a product review. Why? Because I happen to really like this product. The company will never know. I bought the Remarkable myself.

Yes, that's really the name - Remarkable. Remarkable makes a tablet to replace pen and paper. The Remarkable is not a tablet like Android or iPad. It is truly a replacement for pen and paper.

My Opinion

I love my Remarkable. I live with notepad and pen. Taking notes helps me process information and learn new things. The act of summarizing forces me to understand what I'm hearing. In school, I used outlines. Now I use a bullets, indenting related sub-points. Same structure, less thinking. And off topic. Pen and paper work well for me.

The Remarkable is unobtrusive. It has a thin profile, like an actual notepad. No computer screen interfering with my view of the other person. The Remarkable lies flat, like a notepad. 

The pen flows easily over the writing surface. It really feels like writing on paper. The screen is not glossy, like a glass screen. That also means it doesn't wash out in sunlight. 

The Technology

The Remarkable uses e-ink, similar to Amazon's Kindle. E-ink consumes a lot less power, giving the tablet really great battery life. And e-ink makes the tablet easy to read in bright lighting conditions (like sunlight). On the other hand, it is harder to read in the dark, just like normal pen and paper.

The Remarkable has one button - power. The button brings the tablet in and out of sleep mode. The rest of the controls are on screen. A simple dial toggles the sidebar. I alternate between leaving the sidebar open and hiding it. Depends on the notebook. Sometimes I want the extra space. Others, I like the convenience. Either way, switching between them is simple, intuitive.

Negatives

You swipe left or right to turn pages. I have trouble. It's as if the Remarkable doesn't register my swipe. Eventually it will, if I just keep trying. But the delay is annoying when it doesn't work the first time.

Also, I highly recommend purchasing the pen with the eraser. You can still erase with the cheaper pen. It takes more click. The eraser on the back is absolutely perfect for quick corrections or changes. I find tapping works better than rubbing.

Positives

The Remarkable is thin like a real notepad. It comes with templates to simulate lined paper, graph paper, planners, and others. 

The Remarkable supports layers. I can expand the built in templates using layers. When you're in a layer, you can't erase the text in another layer. I can draw over their built-in template, then add a new layer for text that's going to change. You can edit other layers, so it's not permanent. But it helps protect me from myself. My eye hand coordination isn't the best. 

How I use it

The Remarkable has completely replaced paper notepads for me. It's also replaced my electronic journals.

I always kept two journals - a bullet journal and morning pages. The Remarkable helps me keep my bullet journal more concise. I tend to write, as you may have noticed. I kept meeting notes in the journal. Ordered tasks in the order I thought I should do them. And used it as a place to keep notes.

Because the Remarkable works like pen and paper, I find myself not controlling the journal as much. I don't worry about order, for example. I simply review my tasks after each one. Less stress. And because the items may be out of order, I find myself keeping fewer useless notes. The Remarkable works against my impulse to structure things - in a good way. I go over board on structure. The tablet makes those bad habits more expensive, less palatable. 

I've written about morning pages before. And I had been typing them for years. I could type sitting comfortably. And frankly, I hate writing by hand. The Remarkable hasn't really changed that. It has made writing by hand a little cooler. Never underestimate the allure of a new toy. So I find myself writing morning pages by hand. I have to say, it doesn't really make a difference to me.

The Remarkable is easier to write on than paper notepads. I can sit outside, or on the couch. Notepads bend too easily. I always needed something rigid underneath. The tablet provides a naturally smooth, hard surface for writing. Convenient.

Conclusion

A Remarkable tablet is expensive. If the price ever approaches $200 total, I think they could really start replacing paper notepads on a large scale. And I'm very glad that I bought mine.

The Remarkable does one thing, and does it well - replace paper and pen. If that appeals to you, then I highly recommend you look at the Remarkable 2. 

Starving

 I read a couple of things and would like to share them. Have you ever read something, and someone's name just pops into your head? I never really know why. So I chalk it up to God's leading. The gentle nudges He gives to let me be a part of His work.

The first one came from Proverbs 27. The chapter talks about interpersonal relationships. And a few verses in, the author drops this - A person who is full refuses honey, but even bitter food tastes sweet to the hungry. Why can we complain about someone and yet keep going right back to them? This is why - we're hungry. And even a bitter relationship tastes sweet.

I was wondering how this tied in with what I read today - Matthew chapter 6. A light bulb just went off while writing this. The theme of Jesus' talk is look at God. Long for things from heaven - long term spiritual health. Let the temporal things take care of themselves. No, that's not quite right. Rather let God take care of the temporal things.

Several times, Jesus says they have received their reward. He's talking about people who do things to impress other people. Jesus tells those listening that they should do impressive things in secret. He's not saying hide away. He's saying that our motivation is God's praise, not the recipients or people watching.

This is hard. I struggle all the time. It feels good when people tell you that you're doing a good job. And those emotions love to just run wild. I have to make a conscious effort to bring myself back to God's way. It's ironic, because God will ask other people to praise and encourage us. That's part of the mechanism that He uses. The hard part for me is letting initiate it, not me.

Okay, back to the tie-in. When our value comes from other people, eventually we starve for more. And to a hungry person, even bitter, rotten relationships taste sweet - as long as I get what I want. And there's the rub. When my value comes from God, an eternal, never sleeping, never failing God, then I'm always full. I have the luxury of picking my relationships. I choose, rather than being driven.

There are a lot of different directions to go with this. I've already deleted 3 paragraphs. I think this is a good place to stop. So what do you think about all this? 

COVID Vaccine

 Followed a link on Facebook to the OpenVAERS site for COVID data. The math nerd in me started crunching some numbers.

That site shows 11,249 reports of adverse effects. 501 deaths. Assuming the site is limited to the United States, I found another site estimating the vaccination progress. It estimates 39,000,000 vaccines given in the United States. Divide 11,249 by 39,000,000 and you get a 0.029% rate of adverse effects. 501 deaths divided by 39,000,000 gives us a death rate of 0.001%.

Likewise, this Google search reported 27,000,000 cases of COVID in the United States with 463,000 deaths. Divide 463,000 by 27,000,000 and you calculate a 1.71% death rate for the virus. 

Personal Story

Since this is my blog, I'm going to share my experience. I have received both doses of the vaccine. And I reacted to both, the day after. I felt achy, run down, and flushed. Both times, all symptoms disappeared after one day.

From what I read, these symptoms are far milder than actually catching COVID. In my life, with my health and body, I consider this a worthwhile trade.