Walk by the Lake

I wanted to say thank you for going out of your way to acknowledge my feelings. Something happened that made it stand out. I'm grateful to my friend for her thoughtfulness and compassion.

Two days ago. I made Vania go on a walk with me down by the lake. I like walks. The lake walk has few people. It's very pleasant. Well, until Vania demanded to go home just a few minutes into the walk. Frankly, it hurt my feelings. And I told her so.

Today, Vania comes out to the living room, turns on Youtube, grabs a blanket, lays her head in my lap, and falls asleep. No I'm sorry. For two whole days, there's not one word acknowledging my feelings. I recognize this behavior. Renee did it. Deanna and Lucy did it. The entitlement is followed closely by bitterness and depersonalization. I don't think Vania has any understanding of what happened.

Repentance is a necessary ingredient of forgiveness. Repentance says I hurt you, I know that I hurt you, and I chose to put you above me. Without repentance, forgiveness is merely getting away with what's been done. Sadly, this seems to be exactly what most people want - get away with it. It's the addicts way of thinking. We are merely an object to be used for their own ends.

Thank you for the love you show. It means a great deal.

Feelings don't measure right and wrong

 I have to get this off my chest. You live your lives as if your feelings define right and wrong. That is a very dangerous lie. I wish you could see it the way that I do. Anyway, I'm trying to say...

• Why I think you believe this
• Feelings do not measure right and wrong
• Your feelings do not measure right and wrong

Why I think you believe this

My natural communication style is to listen, test, and adapt. I'm fairly quiet around new people. And I try to listen. I learn how they communicate, what they think is important. Then I test and use their reactions to guide how I communicate with them. It works well with professors and teachers.

I feel like the few conversations we've had happened in a vacuum. There was no engagement. No communication. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with that.

When I ask for more information, I simply hear your claims re-iterated. No evidence. No facts. Simply your statement of what you want the truth to be. I hear that I'm wrong. I only hear feeling statements. Feeling statements said as if they are a substitute for facts.

The dictionary defines gossip as casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people, typically involving details that are not confirmed as being true. How many friends have you talked to? How many times did you talk to your mom and not me? With each other? How did you confirm what's true? By asking people who weren't there? By complaining to people who are not involved and can't do anything?

The human brain naturally links memories with emotions. We are supposed to remember similar situations when we feel a certain way. It is also possible to trick this mechanism by repeating a false narrative in relation to the feelings. That narrative becomes true or right. It comes back when the feelings return.

In this way, shame becomes an excuse for revenge rather than a call to fix a problem. When the next person triggers shame, the false narrative takes over, reinforcing itself. Gossip builds that reinforcement. Feelings take over, facts are ignored. And you sincerely believe. Mistaking sincerity for truth.

Feelings do not measure right and wrong

Let's for a moment accept that feelings define right and wrong. I'll also concede, for the sake of argument, that making you feel bad is wrong. That also means making me feel bad is wrong. Correct?
The argument there is that I deserve it. I hurt you first. You were responding to me hurting you. So what about all of the times, as a baby, that you cried because you didn't get your way? That hurt me. Am I not right to get revenge also?

That's the problem with revenge as justification. How far back do you go? And there is always a way to go back. This is the central issue with feelings as moral judgement. Your feelings are under your control, not mine. Using feelings as right and wrong makes me responsible for them. That's simply not true.

You are not responsible for my feelings. When I deal with depression, it's not your fault. When I get mad, it's not your fault. You may have precipitated it with an action. You may be responsible for the consequences (aka Dad's mad at me). But you are not morally culpable for my anger.

Likewise, I am not morally culpable for your feelings - shame, guilt, anger, etc.. We are morally culpable for our actions. Actions based on negative feelings are very often wrong. Feelings may explain an action. Feelings cannot excuse an action.

That difference is very important. Feelings are a part of who you are and how you perceive the universe. They do not excuse what you do. Right and wrong exist outside of feelings. Where?

Your feelings do not measure right and wrong

The last part I want to address is the mistaken belief that only your feelings matter. Saying feelings measure right and wrong is ridiculous, as shown above. Everyone has their own feelings and they can be radically different. No, in order to justify behavior, one must believe that only their own feelings matter.

That's called selfishness. One places themselves at the center of the universe as judge over right and wrong. It's arrogance.

That's the lie at the center of all these things. Nothing I say or do will matter as long as this lie persists. I understand the anger. I am intentionally chipping away at this core tenant. This central belief that you so desperately want to hide. Everyone knows that it's wrong - in someone else.

When the Bible talks about repentance, it means turning away from this lie into the truth that God defines right and wrong. These awful feelings that come with destroying the lie are a beginning, not an end. It feels like death. It is, metaphorically, death. Death to be reborn into life. Life with new feelings. Life based on truth. Let's talk about that. How do we do that?

Fallen Trees

 Vania,

Remember we talked about the tree that fell down in the wind? How the roots spread out but not down? When the wind blew, there wasn't anything to hold the tree in the ground. So it fell over and died.

Relationships with people are like that, Vania. They need depth in order to stand. Do you also remember telling me you wanted a nap to get out of a bath? How that wasn't true - it was a lie? Lies are trees that grow tall, sprout leaves, and have no roots. Lies have no depth. When the wind comes, the relationship falls over and dies.

Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised. Reward her for all she has done. Let her deeds publicly declare her praise. -- Proverbs 31:30-31

Vania, the best way to have a relationship with anyone is to have a strong relationship with Jesus. He is your root, your anchor. Those "deeds" the verse talks about? Those are the leaves of the tree. A tree rooted in Jesus stands no matter the wind. His root goes deep and spreads far. Don't worry about the leaves. They'll grow from the root.

Before you were born, there was a single rose bloom that kept sprouting up in our yard. I would mow it over week after week. It just kept coming back. Finally, I dug it up. This single stalk flower had a good 12 inch root that was huge. That's why the flower wouldn't die. I replanted that root and the rose continued to thrive.

When we focus on obeying Jesus, listening to His voice, He becomes our root. Jesus doesn't expect us to always know what's right. He expects us to listen. He'll tell us. We trust Him. He trusts us. And your relationship grows, like a huge tree. Rooted to the earth so deeply that the wind can't blow it over.

If you are faithful in little things, you will be faithful in large ones. But if you are dishonest in little things, you won't be honest with greater responsibilities. -- Luke 16:10

Trust always begins in the little things. Doing your chores without being asked. Reminding me that you need a bath. Each truth you tell to yourself builds your strength. One day, you will need that strength. One day, you will have to tell the truth when it isn't little, when it's hard. That moment is like the wind. I want your roots to be strong, deep.

I love you so much, Vania. Jesus loves you even more. I hope you always talk to Him. Thank Him when you're happy. Cry when you're angry.

Running water

Revelation 3:15-17 paints a picture of stagnant water - warm, yucky, bad water.

¹⁵ ‘I know your deeds, that you are neither cold (invigorating, refreshing) nor hot (healing, therapeutic); I wish that you were cold or hot. ¹⁶ So because you are lukewarm (spiritually useless), and neither hot nor cold, I will vomit you out of My mouth [rejecting you with disgust]. 

I was thinking about change. Imagine your life as a running stream. The water in the stream today is not the same water that was there yesterday. It's always new, always fresh - clear, cold, and invigorating. Now compare that with a puddle, a pool, that's been sitting still for months - full of algae, rank, green. Both bodies of water changed. In the running stream, change brings life. Life for the water and for those touched by the water. In the standing pool, change means death. The stream changes for good. The pool, well, not so good.

Change is inevitable. I once read that relationships are always changing. Know why? Because people are always changing. Just like the water, you are always changing. The only control you have comes from choosing to be the pool or the stream. Will the change be good, or bad?

You may have heard the old saying people never change. It's actually true. I can hear the quizzical look on your face. I just said people are always changing and that they never change. It's perfectly true, people never change. They are changed. On my own, under my control, I cannot change. But I can be changed. The water in the stream doesn't change itself. Gravity and pressure make the water flow. Some force outside of the water changes it. Left on its own, the water becomes a pool.

Why am I writing this? Because one of the biggest ways we change is through obedience. Remember the last letter talked about compliance and obedience? Rules can only tell you what you've done wrong. Think about the driver's manual, when it discusses the right of way. The law never gives one vehicle or person the right of way. The motor vehicle laws only tell you who has to give up the right of way. Rules never make anything you do right. They can only make some of the things you do wrong.

That's why compliance fails. Compliance gives power to the rules. Obedience gives power to a person - especially when that person is God. God gave us rules for the sole purpose of showing us that we can't keep them. Not to frustrate us, but to drive us to Him. Jesus says "I didn't come to abolish the law, I came to fulfill it." Obedience over compliance. When we obey, there is no need for rules.

One day, you will find someone to marry. You will stand in front of a whole lot of people and repeat words like love, honor, and obey (or submit if you're more modern). I want you to understand that promise. I don't care about chores. I care about you. I care about all of the lives you will touch. And I want you to be cold, refreshing water. Leaving strength and life everywhere you go. This is only the beginning.

To obey or not?

I want to talk to you about the chores. Yes, again - I see you rolling those eyes, missy :)

In all seriousness, though, I do want to talk. We have three rules - put things where they belong, open the blinds, and empty the trash when the lid doesn't close anymore. The truth is, those rules are arbitrary. The rules themselves are, well, minor and unimportant in the grand scheme of things. What is important is obedience.

Rhetorical question - what's the difference between compliance and obedience? Think about that for just a minute. I'll wait. La-la-la-ta-da-la-ta-da. Okay, this is what I think...

Compliance is the act of doing what is requested. Obedience is giving the other person something that they desire, spiritually. Compliance is physical, Obedience is spiritual. What's the difference?

We obey out of love. We obey because our relationship with someone else matters more to us than our own selfish desires. Obedience always involves death. Every time you obey, you die to your flesh. That's why it is so hard. Because our flesh fights tooth and nail for its life. It does not want to submit to the spirit.

In John 14:15, Jesus tells Phillip "if you love Me, you will keep and obey my commandments". Jesus wasn't commanding Phillip to comply. Jesus was stating a fact. When we love Him, we behave like Him. When we love Him, we submit our will to His. We do what He wants instead of just what we want.

Now don't hear me wrong. There are plenty of times when He wants us to enjoy something that we want. I am not saying that you never get your way. Just the opposite - you get your way by giving Him His. Because He wants for you more than you can ever imagine. The things you want aren't big enough. You think too small. Ponder that for a second. Because I have a pretty vivid and expansive imagination. God wants more.

The consequence of submission is transformation. When you submit to someone, you become more like them. When I submit to God, He changes me. As I become more like Him, of course I would behave more like Him. That's obedience - when it is totally natural for me to do what God would do because I am of the same mind. Obedience focuses on the person that you obey.

Compliance focuses on you. I remember hearing about a bus drivers strike in France. The bus drivers did not picket or anything we would normally picture. They complied. They followed every rule in the handbook. And nothing got done. They complied with the rules in order to get their own way. Compliance comes from resentment and rebellion.

When you comply instead of obey, it sends the message that you do not love me. That what I do, who I am, is unimportant to you. And that hurts. A lot. Compliance is part of obedience. But obedience is so much more. And that's what God wants for us. It's what I want for you - more.

This is my two cents worth, anyway.

Promises, promises

I wish I had answers for you - how to forgive, what to do with the anger. I understand how it feels. Maybe that’s why we get along so well. For all our differences, we are a lot alike.

What I do know, what I cling to with nothing but faith, is that God gives peace. One day, when the world has spent itself, when He has found every person He calls His own, He will finish what He started. We live right now with only a promise. The promise that through Christ’s death we are righteous. No shame, no judgement, no more little voice that says “if only”. He will open our eyes. We will see ourselves - and those around us - as He sees us. Washed clean and set apart, on display as the crowning jewels of His achievement. Like a painting that holds a special place in your heart. We hold that place in His.

I was reading a passage in Galatians over lunch. The author tells them “you were set free by Jesus. Don’t put the chains back on.” We no longer live by the law, the expectations that other people impose on us. God offers grace. And His only term is that we love Him. All God asked, all Jesus preached, was believe. And it doesn’t matter who you are, what you do, or have done. Because He makes us new. He makes us as we were always intended to be - in His image. Full of peace, love, and joy.

The Bible describes it as fruit of the Spirit. Fruit grows. Fruit is the natural by product of the tree. The tree’s entire existence hinges on the fruit. The tree doesn’t create the fruit. It doesn’t make the fruit grow. The fruit just does because, well, that’s what it is. Peace, joy, love, those all come because, well, that’s who He is. It can’t be any other way. And as we become like Him, then we become that tree too. We grow that fruit too.

The world is still broken. And in this life, we will never fully realize this hope. The passage in Galatians talked about that too. We have the promise of righteousness. We have the promise of one day bearing that fruit without all of the painful labor it takes now. And for now, in the gap, we have Jesus’ blood. It is the vehicle through which God forgives.

I mentioned before how God let out all of His anger on this one man. The really cool part is what happened next. With the anger gone, God was empty. And the only thing left to fill that void was His love. So when it was all said and done, when He had finished letting Jesus have it with all the power and fury He could muster, God looked down on His Son who endured it all without a single protest and felt a love even bigger than His anger. That anger was intended for every person who ever lived. It covered everything we’ve ever done. And His love is even bigger. Imagine what it will be like when He lets that loose on us!

I don’t have any answers. I don’t know how you forgive someone who hurts you every day, over and over, without any remorse. I don’t know how to forgive something I can’t see. I do know that God loves you. God loves me. And for right now, it’s enough that I believe.

Trust

I wanted to talk about trust. Oh no - another letter from Dad. God puts these things on my heart and I want to share them with you. Writing is the way that I know how. God has given each of us our own way of communicating, of reflecting His glory. Some people sing, others play instruments, paint, poetry, make statues. I write. It's my way of saying I love you.

Trust is a precarious and precious thing. I've been thinking a lot about Vania lately - eating hot dogs, sleeping in my room. Vania is searching. She has this emptiness in her heart, a divine need. She feels something missing. We all feel this way. We all come across moments in our lives when we realize that we need something outside of ourselves. And we instinctively look for it from the people around us: friends, parents, siblings.

Eventually, the people around us fail to meet these needs. Even when they give us what we think we want, it doesn't meet the need. And we turn inside of ourselves. We begin to look for our own ways to meet those needs. If I can't trust you to meet my need, then I will find something that I can control.

For me, broken trust is very hard to rebuild. You and I see the world very differently. There are things that we don't understand. Huge blind spots full of pitfalls and obstacles. And we naturally know that we have to trust other people to help us through them. When those people let us down - when I let you down, that trust is broken. And our heart says that we can never trust them again.

You might like this personality test: 16 Personalities. It's kind of fun. And they make the results more understandable than what the typical test giver does reading from an instruction booklet. I came up as the Architect. I suspect that Vania would too.

Vania is searching. She can feel that something is happening. And she doesn't know what. It's something that she can't see. Something beyond her experience. So she instinctively looks for assurance, security, and love. I give her hot dogs to build trust. I let her sleep in my room to build trust. There will come a day soon when I ask Vania to do something very hard for her. And I want her to take strength and courage from her trust in me. Because I am just a poor reflection of God. Right now, Vania may be trusting me, but I am trusting God. And one day I hope to hand off Vania's relationship with me to God. One day she will trust Him too. And my responsibility is teaching her how.

The same goes for you. You were always meant to leave me. You were always meant to become an independent young woman and leave home. And my responsibility was teaching you how to trust God. I made a lot of mistakes. Instead I taught you how to withdraw into yourself. For that, I'm very sorry. I passed on my own weakness. It will take time to restore the trust that was lost. And at the same time, the nature of our relationship is changing. You can't depend on me. You were never meant to. You can depend on God. You were always meant to depend on God.

In the quiet, in the times that you're alone, practice listening. God always speaks with a calm, peaceful voice. No TV, no books, no noise, just listen. He knows what your heart needs and desires. He gave you those desires. And He has the power to make them come true. All He asks of us is to believe. This is my prayer for you. I love you.

My hope

Where do I start? I want to tell you all about Jesus. About how He died on a cross and why. That we're broken people. That we do self-destructive things because it's our nature. The law of entropy - any system left to itself breaks down. And we're in ourselves.

But we're that way only because we turned away from God. You see, nature was never intended to be a closed system. God always meant to infuse Himself into His creation. Every second of every day, He would feed some of Himself into the universe. Almost like electricity powers our homes. Constant regeneration. Because that's God's nature. He loves, with great generosity. He redeems because He loves. He creates. He builds.

We were always meant to reflect God. We are His image in this universe - like our own image in the mirror. So we feel like He feels. God feels joy, sadness, anger. The entire emotional spectrum. What happens when someone hurts us? We get angry. When someone violates the boundaries that we raised? We get angry. God does too. And I know that I violate those boundaries every day in a million different ways. From wanting to scream at my wife, to impatience with my autistic daughter, to just plain old wishing I had more. And many other ways that I don't even know. All the little slights or things I don't do of which I'm never even aware.

Even when our spouse doesn't realize they hurt us, it still makes us angry. Because we're like God. Even though I don't know, He's still feeling anger. Anger has to be spent. It can't be bottled, because that eats us from the inside out. God spends His anger. He has to let it out. Imagine what the God who created everything with mere words can do. The soul crushing anger that He would let loose. We couldn't take it. We would disintegrate - mind, body, and spirit.

The Bible describes it as "the mountains melting like wax". The mountains! I'm not that tough. And God knows all of this. He knows that we can't bear His wrath. He knows that it would completely destroy us to see all that we've done. To know all of the ways that we failed. All of the others that we've hurt. Shoot, knowing our own pain is hard enough.

And God came up with a solution. The only person who could ever endure His anger and survive is Him. So God gave up a part of Himself. That part of Him lived in a physical body, in a mud house. Ate food, drank water and wine, slept, pooped, everything we do. And lived a perfect life. Not a dream, not pampered, a life without ever hurting anyone else. A life that was like the one we were supposed to have. Complete and total obedience. No rebellion, no fear, no hopelessness.

And God let Him die. Hung Him on a cross. And completely let Him have it. God let loose all the anger, all of the wrath, everything He could dish out. The granddaddy of all hissy fits on a cosmic scale. God let go and He threw everything He could dish out at this one person - who stood there and took it. Without ever flinching, without ever protesting. God accused Him of every wrong I've ever done in my life. Of every stray thought, every desire for revenge, every time I failed. God just stuck it on that Guy and blew all of that rage in His face. And that Man took it. That Man said "You're right, I'm guilty of all of those things". God went through every person who ever lived. He called my name, your name, everyone. And when He was done, after all of the anger had come pouring out, all the yelling ended, all of the beating stopped, and His rage was spent, God saw love.

When we let our anger out, it leaves us empty. Spent is the word I think of. Drained. A vacuum never stays empty. Something else comes in to fill it. Since God is love, He only had love to fill that space.

And He saw Himself, that part of Him that did nothing and still took it. He felt pride. The kind of pride you feel when your kid does something amazing. That deep feeling of love and you just want to give them everything. This is what God sees when He looks at me. He sees Jesus, His Son, that Man, with eyes of love and pride. And every time He looks at me, all He can remember is how much His Son means to Him.

This is my hope. This is the only thing that I have left. Through all of this divorce, through all of the doubt, all of the times I wonder if it's me, am I doing the right thing? I remember, I know, I believe, that He sees Jesus - not my sin, not my brokenness, not the hardness of my heart that contributed to a broken marriage. He sees the Christ. He sees the anger already spent. And I survived - Jesus survived. All He knows for me is love.

This world has so many problems. But one day He promised a new world. A world where He gives me my name - the name He created me to have. All because one Man took it for me. This is my faith. This is the God who waits for me. This is the God who waits for you.

Wait, weight, and wait

I'd like to tell you my story - about how I ate as a way of covering up unease. I went from 190+ pounds down to 140 over 18 months. I hope to tell you why.

We all live with a level of discomfort, unease. It's a longing for something we can't see or put into words. A need so deep that we will do anything and everything to find fulfillment. We spend our entire lives pursuing the peace that comes from filling that need. Alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, TV, web sites, you name it. We use all of these things and more in a vain attempt to find something that meets this need.

God created us for relationship with Him. The longing you feel, I feel, is for a connection with Him. God gave us all of those things - alcohol, TV, candy, friends, etc. - to bring enjoyment. Enjoyment, but not joy. Joy comes through our spirit, our heart, from God. When we connect with Him, we are at peace. When He leads us, all of the other stuff follows naturally.

What do I mean? The formula for losing weight is simple - eat less, do more. Consume fewer calories while burning more of them. Your body will convert fat into calories. It literally burns off the weight. The hard part of losing weight wasn't knowing how. The hard part (for me) was actually doing it.

So what changed? I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. Like every other change in my life, the moment comes when I stop taking control. I stopped fixing the discomfort, stopped trying to cover over the longing, and gave it over to God. I yelled, pleaded, begged, and screamed. He let me be angry and sad. Through it all, He was faithful. He is still faithful.

That moment came in an OCD fit. Medication, overeating, and stress brought on the desire for strength and power so strong that I could not control it. And I just grabbed onto something, a phrase, where I had to be right. It had to be exactly my way or nothing at all. I remember stepping back outside myself at the time, thinking how dumb it all was. But I couldn't stop. It's like when Vania goes nuts - because I have to.

An amazing thing happened, though. The person on the receiving end forgave me. Not with a fight. Not after making me feel bad. I felt plenty bad on my own. I had hurt a friend, probably one of the closest friends I had. But willingly, before I even asked. And I felt such gratitude that I chose to change. This is the forgiveness that God offers. It took another person for me to see what He always provided.

God changed me. All I had to do was allow Him. So what does that have to do with losing weight? Because it was easier to eat less when I trusted Him. When I listened, when I connected with Him, He filled that longing. Not completely. But enough. And all of a sudden I didn't want to scarf down a pizza in a fit of depression. The temptation is still there. But it lost its power. It's weak. Weaker than the Spirit that says wait.

It was hard, what God asked me to do. This is no cake walk. But once I listened, once I submitted myself to His will, God led me into behaviors that resulted in losing weight. Because I asked. I asked Him to fix the mess I had made of myself. And He answered.

Now this is the part that you probably expected - what did I actually do...

• Track calories
• Replaced carbs with proteins
• Walking for 30 minutes a day

It wasn't all at once. Those 3 bullet points happened over 6 months. They came about in gradual steps. For example, I had to replace bread and candy in order to stay in my calorie limit. Lunchables were great. Then Slim Jims and tuna fish. Slowly, steadily, God would open my eyes with a new idea. Pickles, pretzels, popcorn. Over the course of a year my diet changed. One step at a time.

I learned that it was okay to eat a little more once in a while. I learned that I didn't have to keep a calendar of my walking. I learned that God can provide lunch every day, day after day, of just what I needed. And most of all, I learned that He could tell me when to stop. I followed no plan. I had no set date in mind. Even the weight I wanted isn't the weight I'm at. But I am where God wants me to be.

The longing never goes away, not in this life or in this world. At the end of Revelations, we learn that God creates a new earth. The apostle John says He will wipe away all of their tears. And He sends out His Son, who hands each and every person a little white stone. On the stone is written your name. The name that God knows you by. The name that explains who you are, who He always saw you to be. In that moment, in that one second, God finishes the work that He began in us. That is when the longing is filled. He restores the connection. And this all becomes just another memory.

If you love me

I was walking the other morning and realized something. Well, truth be told, I didn't realize it. God pointed out something that was there all along. The verse John 14:15 (AMP) says...

"If you [really] love Me, you will keep and obey My commandments."

This is Jesus talking with His disciples. This verse always meant to me that I was to obey. Obey, obey, obey. It came out in all kinds of sermons on obedience - usually tied with the verse that says "by their fruit you will know them". What I learned that morning was that I had it all backwards. Those sermons were just plain wrong. Jesus isn't commanding us to obey Him. Completely the opposite, He's saying that obedience will come on its own. I don't have to be afraid that I'm not perfect.

Here is the rest of that passage, John 14:8-15...

Philip said to him, "Lord, show us the Father and then we shall be satisfied." 

Jesus said to him, "Have I been with you for so long a time, and you do not know Me yet, Philip, nor recognize clearly who I am? Anyone who has seen Me has seen the Father. How can you say 'Show us the Father'? Do you not believe that I am in the Father, and the Father is in Me? The words I say to You I do not say on my own initiative or authority, but the Father, abiding continually in Me, does His work [His attesting miracles and acts or power]. Believe Me that I am in the Father and the Father is in Me; otherwise believe [Me] because of the very works themselves [which you have witnessed]. I assure you and most solemnly say to you, anyone who believes in Me [as Savior] will also do the things that I do; and He will do even greater things than these [in extent and outreach], because I am going to the Father. And I will do whatever you ask is My name [as My representative], this I will do, so that the Father may be glorified and celebrated in the Son. If you ask Me anything in my name [as My representative], I will do it. If you [really] love Me, you will keep and obey my commandments."

The rules don't matter. God desires a relationship, a deep and abiding connection with you and me. The relationship comes first. Obedience follows of its own accord.

 A funny thing happens when you enter into a relationship with someone - they change you. Every time you connect, you change. You become a little more like them. When I, or you, connect with God, we become a little more like Him. And like Jesus, we will do the things that God would do simply because that is who we are.

I find this very freeing.

A Walk in the Park

I was reading Matthew 6 today. That's the chapter with the Lord's Prayer. And I noticed something new. Jesus is teaching in this passage. It almost seems like He's jumping from topic to topic. You know, randomly dispensing wisdom in little tidbits. 

But the order wasn't random. Jesus was walking them through a progression. This isn't just a set of teachings to follow. It's a plan. God never expected us to do all of these things at once. He asks us to start at the beginning and walk this path, one step at a time.

I won't repeat Matthew 6. You know how to look it up. Here's the progression I saw this morning...

1. Do good deeds in private.
2. Pray in private.
3. Forgive others and accept forgiveness.
4. Fasting.
5. Store treasures in heaven.
6. Don't worry about tomorrow.

More generally, I thought it went like so...

1. Do something - or decide to do something.
2. Pray, because what I did just didn't quite cut it.
3. Forgive, because this connects me with God and I accept forgiveness.
4. Fasting - self control - God will ask me to do something hard.
5. Doing it helps me appreciate something He wanted me to learn.
6. And peace comes from having my value come from God.

I saw myself walking this path over the last year...

1. I decided to do something about always feeling angry. And did some small things.
2. I cried out to God in the car or wherever.
3. He used a counselor to teach me how to forgive.
4. Then it became easier to eat less (in this case, fasting was literal).
5. And He taught me about dreams and creativity and what they mean to Him.
6. And I can find peace (patience, safety) in Him.

Talking about it, I see this process happening over and over. Each time God opens up a new area, it kind of follows this progression.

So why am I telling you? I saw a great quote, and I can't remember who said it.

Words never last. Words stay the same. What words say changes.

 You can read the same words 3 years later and discover something new. The words themselves didn't change. We did. So here are some words.

Monkey in the Middle

You asked why I write these letters. And I didn't really give you much of an answer. So I wanted to explore it a little more.

I was reading a book recently called Scary Close, by Donald Miller. Mr. Miller talks about a visual example he learned about relationships. The leader lays down three pillows. He has person A stand on one pillow. Then he has person B stand on the pillow on the other end. So you have two people facing each other with an empty pillow in the middle.

The leader explains that each person has their pillow. The middle pillow represents the relationship between those two people. Each person can step onto the middle pillow whenever they want. They can step with both feet, one foot, and step back to their pillow any time they want. You can never step directly onto the other person's pillow.

Relationships are like that. We all have our own thoughts. You are your own person. You have your own pillow. Every time you deal with another person is a relationship - a middle pillow. And you both step onto that pillow. How much depends on the relationship. You share more with closer friends. And you step back onto your pillow.

So what does this have to do with writing letters? These letters are my middle pillow with you. It's my way of inviting you into a relationship. I create stories with words. And I choose to share these stories with you.

Our relationship is changing. Actually, relationships are always changing. When you were young, your pillow was smaller. More stuff was in the middle pillow. As you've grown, you've taken responsibility for more of your own life. Those things have moved from the middle pillow and onto your pillow. The boundaries have changed.

It was pretty easy to let you feed yourself, get dressed yourself, do your own homework, etc. You're now at a point where the lines are murkier. We're both experimenting with what belongs in the middle and what belongs on your pillow. One day, it will all be your pillow. You will move out, find your own job, have your own money. And on that day, your pillow will be yours. And you will control how and when we interact in the middle. My hope is that you will allow me to share the pillow, even just a little bit. And so I am teaching you how - how to invite someone into the middle.

Why I Write

I want to re-visit the topic of morning pages. I know, I know - you heard this before. Stop being so crazy, Dad. Its embarrassing.

Now that we've gotten that out of the way, I'm going to say what I want to say anyway. Sorry, kiddo.

Let's talk about prayer. I find it kind of sad that churches never really teach you how to pray. Sure, at some point you'll hear a sermon on the Lord's prayer. The pastor picks apart its structure. He'll give you some list of the kinds of things to pray - an outline, a formula. It feels like a formula, an incantation. Follow the rules and your prayer is good. We like rules. The world makes sense when there are rules. Rules mean control.

It makes us angry when people break the rules and get away with it. Or worse, prosper from it. Yeah, her name popped into your head, didn't it? Take a deep breath.

Prayer is about connection. God doesn't want the right words, He wants your words. There are no formulas, no outlines, no wrong things to say. Words express ideas, feelings, thoughts. God listens to those - the feelings, desires, and pain behind the words. We try and hide these things behind litany. Saying the right words becomes an excuse for not saying what we really mean. We hide behind the words. And the connection is broken.

God created you in His image. You are designed for relationship. Creation was the action. Relationship is the outcome. When you create, when you paint a jar, read a book, or just dream about the future - you connect with God. You mimic His action. You learn from Him - like children learn by imitating their parents. God wants that connection. He wants you to grow and learn. The Christian life isn't about going to church, being a missionary, or anything else we consider religious. It is connecting with God. He created us all uniquely. And He wants you.

The bad news is that sin gets in the way. Sin takes our eyes off God. It stands between Him and us, breaking the connection. When the rules stand in the way, when the right words stop us from really connecting, they are sin. How weird is that?

Morning pages serve one purpose, and one purpose alone - connect with God. We throw away the rules. No spelling, no grammar, no limits. You write down whatever pops into your head. There will be things that make you ashamed. Things that make you angry. Things that make you cry. Things that make you smile. Things that you could never tell anyone. Morning pages are the place to face those things. Give them voice. Because an odd thing happens, God listens.

The Bible calls our sin nature the flesh. And it is sneaky. The flesh lies about how things can never change. It tells you that you can never be good enough. The flesh will tear down everything you do - the colors aren't right, it should be brighter, you're not good enough to paint, those lines aren't even straight. The flesh speaks fear, anger, and condemnation. It makes you frightened and ashamed.

In Artist's Way, she calls the flesh the Critic or the inner critic. It criticizes. The morning pages help you move past the critic. You open your heart so God can work. The morning pages are a form of acceptance - accepting who you are.

Read the Psalms sometime. I think of them as David's morning pages. Morning pages are a place to let go. Be angry, be sad, yell, scream, kick. Tell God how He ruined Your life. Tell Him how much you hate... whomever. The morning pages are that place to let go - to never worry about the person on the other end. And when I take that little, tiny step of honesty, God reaches the rest of the way, across miles.

Morning pages are prayer. This is how you pray. Alone, just God and me. God knows all about me. He knows that I don't always understand what I feel. He knows that my emotions go off the deep end and take on a life of their own. And He accepts me. He listens to what I want to say, not the words that I use. I don't have to say it perfectly. He understands me anyway.

I think of the trouble we have understanding your little sister. I feel like her a lot. I keep saying the words and nobody gets it. When she sits at night and makes her grunting noises, she speaks a language none of us understand. Those are her morning pages - when she lets loose without fear. I want that for you too. (Not the grunting, the letting loose.)

Don't get me wrong - morning pages are only the start. As God connects with you, He will show you what happens next. Tiny little steps, always in the right direction. The morning pages start the journey. They are the housekeeping that moves everything along smoothly. Once you open yourself to God, He works. And when you connect with Him every morning, you will find yourself more and more feeling like Him - joy, peace, love, content - in a word, happy.

I originally intended to write a tutorial on the how of writing morning pages. But I can't possibly explain it better than The Artist's Way. It's the very first chapter. Not Week 1, the chapter before Week 1. If you read nothing else of the book this summer, please read that one chapter. And follow through with it. I won't ask. You never have to tell me.

You exist for a reason. God loves you because you exist. He loves you for a reason. Talk to Him.

Reading the Artist's Way

It's summer time and school's out - yay! I would like to read a book with you this summer. Most kids would think that's torture. Books are school work. No one wants to do school work over the summer. You're different. Books mean something to you. You find wonder, wisdom, and new lands in your books.

I found a book that opened up new lands for me. It's a feast of wisdom and encouragement. You and I are very much alike. I hope that you will find this book as bountiful as I did. 

I remember being your age. Non-fiction books were not really high on my list of things to read. I like mysteries and stories. Books that created movies in my head. This book is not that kind of book. It is a book about using that creativity. The book comes with homework. And oddly enough, that homework can be reading the books you do like. Or drawing. Or coloring.

This book is about the creativity in you. It is about seeing that creativity in a new light. Feeding the creativity, nourishing it, and letting it grow into a tall, strong, healthy tree. Big trees start little ones. Big trees give shade, bring color and fresh air. That's what I think of when I think of you.

A copy of The Artist's Way comes with this letter. The book has 12 chapters plus the introduction. We'll read both the introduction and chapter 1 for this week. Do you think you can do that by Thursday night? You and I will find somewhere quiet and talk about the chapter. 

The homework involves 3 things... Morning pages, artist dates, and activities. The introduction explains the morning pages and artist dates. We will do these two things every week. Also, each chapter ends with a list of activities. I ask that we each do one or two activities each week. You can pick whichever activity you want. You do not have to share the results, unless you want to. Each week, we just need to tell each other which activity we did. Honest, the activities are small, sometimes fun, and won't seem like work at all.

What do you say? Are you ready to see the person that God created you to be?

Inspiration

I put off writing this letter, well, honestly, because I have been wrestling with it. In chapter 7 of the Artist's Way, Julia Cameron talks about artistic inspiration. I think about coming up with ideas. It's the usual belief about inspiration. Ms. Cameron describes inspiration as dipping into a well of inspiration. In other words, it's not my idea.

This is where pride comes into play. The idea isn't mine. And my pride doesn't like that. It takes humility to accept ideas from someone else.

The well that Ms. Cameron describes is God. He is the original Creator. In church, we talk about God's omniscience - He knows everything - in the context of knowing the future. Think about it now in terms of He knows every idea. There is nothing we can imagine that He hasn't already considered. That's how big God is.

We can't handle that level of creativity. Our brains would explode. Instead, when we connect with Him, God reveals ideas in the way we understand. He pulls one little bit out of that vast tidal wave and hands us the single drop of water. A tidal wave will sweep us away. A single drop fits neatly in our hand.

Psalms talks about God as our Rock - our firm foundation in the midst of chaos. I picture some guy standing on a rock, jagged edges, and level on top with crevices for footholds. The sun shines brightly and warmly while whitecaps smash into the rock's base. Only a brief, cooling amount of spray reaches the top. The man stands there, above it all, safe, secure, and peaceful. The sea can never move the rock. Because below the surface is a humongous mountain, firmly planted in the center of the earth. And no matter how many waves hit it, the rock never moves.

God is our Rock. The waves are the ocean of His ideas. In the ocean, we drown. But there, resting on Him, the same water feels refreshing. He breaks the waves into droplets. Inspiration is those little droplets, released from the greater sea, refreshing, nourishing, and sought after.

You see, this wasn't what I intended to write. I wanted to talk about torment,  hopelessness versus hope, and how, in pride, I'd rather resign myself to the hopeless outcome (it can never be better) than accept God's abundance (not just better, but better than I dreamed). And that wasn't what God wanted to say. That wasn't His inspiration.

By the way, I like His words better. God brings life. Me, I dwell in the dark - dark themes, sadness, down and out stuff. God, He brings hope. He shines a light on everything. How can you be sad with the sun shining on Your face and a gentle, warm breeze blowing across your skin? That's what happens when we connect with Him - inspiration, hope, peace.

Stupid Feelings

I hate feelings. How is that for irony? Emotions hurt. I don't understand them. And I can't control them.

Control your temper.
Think happy thoughts.

Emotions just jump and crash like a crazy roller coaster. It's frustrating.

I talked about morning pages in the last letter. I was thinking of emotions. My emotions scare me. I feel things that I think I shouldn't feel. Do you ever get angry at someone and then feel bad for feeling angry? After all, I should forgive and control my temper. No. Well, no and yes.

Well meaning parents or teachers say control your temper. But they never walk you through how. You're left feeling like a failure because it just makes no sense. I felt like a failure because it made no sense. I created a shield - pushing those stupid feelings down.

Unfortunately, destructive emotions are, well, destructive. What happens when I get angry? I want to lash out - hurt the other person. How about when I'm sad? I want to attack the problem and crush it. Pushing those desires down only turns them inward. Now they destroy me. And I became afraid of the feelings. I still am. The problem took hold over decades. It will take decades to undo. Maybe you can figure it out earlier.

Morning pages are one place to start. Those 3 pages take forever to fill up. I spend 20 or 30 minutes every day writing them. And when the writing starts to get hard, that's when the feelings come out. Sadness, desperation, anger, rage. I can't cry yet. But it gets close some days. Morning pages give me a place to let loose. I don't have to worry about hurting anyone. I can say anything about anyone in any frame of mind. The only One who listens is God.

My walks in the evenings often turn into an extension of the morning pages. I let loose on God. All of the feelings. I yell at Him. I tell Him how bad I feel. I tell Him all of the people who hurt me that day and I want to hurt back. And He takes it. The morning pages are my connection with Him. Through it all, He brings me to the end of myself.

Then comes the most important part - resolving the feelings. It really doesn't matter if someone understands how I feel. I could care less. I want a solution. What do I do with these feelings? How do I resolve them? And that was a lesson someone had to teach me - forgiveness.

Like you, I've heard all about forgiveness in church. Well, I also heard about it in school. Forgive this, forgive that. Jesus says to forgive 70 times 70 times. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. If I'm mad, then I didn't forgive. Now I'm mad and a sinner. There's no way to win. I just get farther and farther behind.

Forgiveness doesn't make my feelings go away. Forgiveness restores my connection with God. I've learned that God is really, really big. He can handle all of my emotions. They aren't too deep. I can feel anything, with any amount of passion, and just dump it on His shoulders. And He takes it. That's the greatest feeling of relief - when He takes it. You know the phrase "I'm going to let you have it"? Well that's literal.

God desires my peace. No matter how much I lie to myself that life is misery, He keeps making ways to deliver His joy. And that same God, who provides things that I don't even ask for, asked me to forgive. When I practice forgiveness, I also accept His forgiveness. And as I accept His forgiveness, I accept His other gifts - like joy. 

There is no right or wrong way to do this. You will tell yourself that you're using the wrong words. You will tell yourself that you shouldn't ask for that, or tell Him that. It's a fight every morning. That voice, that judge in your head, is the flesh. You are killing it. And it doesn't want to die. Tell God about the doubts. Tell Him what that voice says to you. Because He will tell you what He sees. 

Sorry, I went off on a little tangent there. Forgiveness - how to forgive? I use this prayer as a template. I started by reading it. Then saying it from memory. Sometimes God gives me different words. The point? There is no wrong way to pray. God knows what you want to say. He enjoys when you make the effort to say it. Take that one step - say it - and He will come the rest of the way to you. So here's the forgiveness prayer*...

Heavenly Father, I forgive [name]. I forgive [him or her] for: [list everything you can think of that caused the offense and how you suffered as a result of the behvior]. I ask that You forgive [name] as well. Father, I ask that I would lose sight of the offense, and if I am ever reminded of it, that I will dismiss that memory as an old, resolved conflict. Father I ask for the strength to simply forget the incident and move on with rebuilding that relationship as You lead me to do so. Father, please show me how to love [name] the way You do. Father, show me how to turn my offense into concern for [name]'s well-being. Father, I am moved to forgive [him or her] because I desire to be obedient to You and desire for You to be glorified. Father, I ask that you would forgive me for not forgiving them in the past. Father, I confess that I will need Your help to live out this forgiveness and I ask You to give me the strength to live true to this forgiveness. Father, please bless [name]'s life in every way and heal [name] of any emotional or physical wounds that cause [name] suffering. I pray this in the name of Jesus, Amen.

I find understanding who or what to forgive very difficult. It can take 2 or 3 DAYS. If you ever want to talk, I'm always willing to listen.

Start with the morning pages. Start connecting with God. And He will lead you the rest of the way. God loves you because you exist. I love you because God loves you. It's a nice, neat, unbroken chain.

* From Be Transformed: Workbook Edition by John Robin Murphy, page 8.

Morning Pages

The last letter talked about love. God loves you because you exist. I love you because you exist. You still exist, so I still love you. Nice, clean logic there. Now it's time to tell you about a fun technique called morning pages. I learned about morning pages from the book The Artists Way by Julia Cameron.

How do morning pages work? Easy. Sit down and write 3 pages. It works best in the morning - surprise, surprise. When school starts, though, you might experiment a little with the time. The time of day isn't nearly as important as writing. So if evenings work better, write in the evenings. Call them goodnight pages instead. But sit down and write. The only rule is that you write at least 3 pages. 1 side of paper equals 1 page. Front and back counts as 2 pages.

Write down whatever pops into your head. Do not filter or discard thoughts. Write them down. Not relevant? Totally different topic? Write it down. The writing doesn't have to make sense. No one is going to read it. This is completely private. It stays between you and God. Angry? Thoughts of revenge? Write it down. Excited and what to share it? Write it down. Sad? Write it down. Hear the rain on the roof? Write it down. Whatever pops into your head - write it down.

Ignore spelling and grammar. Don't go back and "fix" stuff. I ramble a lot while writing. Actually, I drift into my head and forget to write. I'm trying to say that there is no wrong way of doing this - as long as you write 3 pages.

This is called stream of consciousness writing. The topic doesn't matter. Don't bother with paragraphs. Start writing and go until you fill 3 pages. Personally, I prefer typing. So I use a web site called 750 words. Try it for a month and see if you like it.

Three pages engages your subconscious mind. It engages your spirit. You know, the spirit that God created in His image? It's where your deepest desires live. It's your heart. It's in your spirit that you connect with God.

The Holy Spirit lives inside you. See that Spirit again? Guess where He is. Yep, in your spirit. When you connect with your spirit - your heart, you connect with the Holy Spirit. He connects you with God. Know what? That's what God wants.

Morning pages are just one way of connecting with God. He enjoys your company, just like I do. And for the same reason - He loves you because you exist. The Bible talks about casting all our cares on Jesus. Morning pages are a great way to start. Let it all out. God already knows about the sadness, happiness, anger, fear, and love inside of you. Even with all of that, you exist. And the only reason He loves you is because you exist. So tell Him all of those feelings.

You and I hold our feelings in. We hide away the ones that hurt. That hurt, the pain, it stops us from connecting with God. When you let it out, when you yell at Him and put all of that anger on Him, He takes it. He takes it and moves it out of the way. And what's left is Him. When the voice in your head stops talking, you can hear His voice. I want you to hear that voice. Because I can never love you as much as He does. And I want you to know that you're loved.

The Artists Way describes morning pages as a way of jump starting creativity. You are way creative. That is a quality that God has definitely given you in abundance. He is a creator. He created this entire universe. All of those cool laws of mathematics - He wrote them. You are made in His image. When you connect with God, He brings out that wonderful quality in You. His creativity flows through you. And that makes you happy. I like it when you're happy. God likes it when you're happy.

I love you.

The Condition on Love

This conversation is more of a monologue for one of my daughters. God teaches us things in ways that we understand. My geeky logical brain simply can't comprehend things without reason. That's what unconditional always meant to me - for no reason. So God explained it a different way. And I desperately wanted to share it with someone special...

The Letter

You know, it’s kind of weird how much of myself that I see in you. That’s not all bad. Well, from my point of view it’s not all bad. You may think differently :) I can see that you get frustrated with school. I’m guessing that you feel lonely a lot. Don’t know how to tell anyone. And feel like no one would understand. You feel good around your friends. But it fades quickly when you get home. You want that good feeling all of the time. I felt the same way at your age. I see you doing the same things I did. Honestly, I still don’t have the answers. I have no idea how to talk to you about this. So I wrote a letter instead. All I can tell you is that I love you. You probably don’t believe me. That’s okay. We kid around that I have to love you, I’m your dad. Being serious for a moment, that’s not why I love you. Being your father was a good opportunity to know you. I get to spend a lot of time around you. I watched you grow up. Being your dad provided those opportunities. In church, they talk a lot about God’s unconditional love. I never really understood that. Your parents love you because they’re your parents. Your friends because you share common interests. To get married, you have to date - which is pretty much just tryouts. Someone marries you because of how you act while dating. There aren’t any real models of unconditional love. I realized recently that there is one condition on God’s love - He loves us because we exist. In the Old Testament, God tells Moses that His name is “I am”. God declared His existence. God is God because “I am”. He exists. He is real, He is a person, “I am”. God created us in His image. He sees Himself as “I am”. He sees you as “you are”. He exists. You exist. And that is enough for Him to love you. At the end of Romans 8, Paul says “I am convinced that nothing can separate us from the love of God - height, depth, the government, demons, nothing.” Paul can say that because he understood why God loves us - we exist. Nothing can change the fact that we exist. Nothing, no one. You exist, so God loves you. I love you for the same reason. I love you because you exist. And until that changes, well, I love you.