Stupid Feelings

I hate feelings. How is that for irony? Emotions hurt. I don't understand them. And I can't control them.

Control your temper.
Think happy thoughts.

Emotions just jump and crash like a crazy roller coaster. It's frustrating.

I talked about morning pages in the last letter. I was thinking of emotions. My emotions scare me. I feel things that I think I shouldn't feel. Do you ever get angry at someone and then feel bad for feeling angry? After all, I should forgive and control my temper. No. Well, no and yes.

Well meaning parents or teachers say control your temper. But they never walk you through how. You're left feeling like a failure because it just makes no sense. I felt like a failure because it made no sense. I created a shield - pushing those stupid feelings down.

Unfortunately, destructive emotions are, well, destructive. What happens when I get angry? I want to lash out - hurt the other person. How about when I'm sad? I want to attack the problem and crush it. Pushing those desires down only turns them inward. Now they destroy me. And I became afraid of the feelings. I still am. The problem took hold over decades. It will take decades to undo. Maybe you can figure it out earlier.

Morning pages are one place to start. Those 3 pages take forever to fill up. I spend 20 or 30 minutes every day writing them. And when the writing starts to get hard, that's when the feelings come out. Sadness, desperation, anger, rage. I can't cry yet. But it gets close some days. Morning pages give me a place to let loose. I don't have to worry about hurting anyone. I can say anything about anyone in any frame of mind. The only One who listens is God.

My walks in the evenings often turn into an extension of the morning pages. I let loose on God. All of the feelings. I yell at Him. I tell Him how bad I feel. I tell Him all of the people who hurt me that day and I want to hurt back. And He takes it. The morning pages are my connection with Him. Through it all, He brings me to the end of myself.

Then comes the most important part - resolving the feelings. It really doesn't matter if someone understands how I feel. I could care less. I want a solution. What do I do with these feelings? How do I resolve them? And that was a lesson someone had to teach me - forgiveness.

Like you, I've heard all about forgiveness in church. Well, I also heard about it in school. Forgive this, forgive that. Jesus says to forgive 70 times 70 times. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. If I'm mad, then I didn't forgive. Now I'm mad and a sinner. There's no way to win. I just get farther and farther behind.

Forgiveness doesn't make my feelings go away. Forgiveness restores my connection with God. I've learned that God is really, really big. He can handle all of my emotions. They aren't too deep. I can feel anything, with any amount of passion, and just dump it on His shoulders. And He takes it. That's the greatest feeling of relief - when He takes it. You know the phrase "I'm going to let you have it"? Well that's literal.

God desires my peace. No matter how much I lie to myself that life is misery, He keeps making ways to deliver His joy. And that same God, who provides things that I don't even ask for, asked me to forgive. When I practice forgiveness, I also accept His forgiveness. And as I accept His forgiveness, I accept His other gifts - like joy. 

There is no right or wrong way to do this. You will tell yourself that you're using the wrong words. You will tell yourself that you shouldn't ask for that, or tell Him that. It's a fight every morning. That voice, that judge in your head, is the flesh. You are killing it. And it doesn't want to die. Tell God about the doubts. Tell Him what that voice says to you. Because He will tell you what He sees. 

Sorry, I went off on a little tangent there. Forgiveness - how to forgive? I use this prayer as a template. I started by reading it. Then saying it from memory. Sometimes God gives me different words. The point? There is no wrong way to pray. God knows what you want to say. He enjoys when you make the effort to say it. Take that one step - say it - and He will come the rest of the way to you. So here's the forgiveness prayer*...

Heavenly Father, I forgive [name]. I forgive [him or her] for: [list everything you can think of that caused the offense and how you suffered as a result of the behvior]. I ask that You forgive [name] as well. Father, I ask that I would lose sight of the offense, and if I am ever reminded of it, that I will dismiss that memory as an old, resolved conflict. Father I ask for the strength to simply forget the incident and move on with rebuilding that relationship as You lead me to do so. Father, please show me how to love [name] the way You do. Father, show me how to turn my offense into concern for [name]'s well-being. Father, I am moved to forgive [him or her] because I desire to be obedient to You and desire for You to be glorified. Father, I ask that you would forgive me for not forgiving them in the past. Father, I confess that I will need Your help to live out this forgiveness and I ask You to give me the strength to live true to this forgiveness. Father, please bless [name]'s life in every way and heal [name] of any emotional or physical wounds that cause [name] suffering. I pray this in the name of Jesus, Amen.

I find understanding who or what to forgive very difficult. It can take 2 or 3 DAYS. If you ever want to talk, I'm always willing to listen.

Start with the morning pages. Start connecting with God. And He will lead you the rest of the way. God loves you because you exist. I love you because God loves you. It's a nice, neat, unbroken chain.

* From Be Transformed: Workbook Edition by John Robin Murphy, page 8.