Wait, weight, and wait

I'd like to tell you my story - about how I ate as a way of covering up unease. I went from 190+ pounds down to 140 over 18 months. I hope to tell you why.

We all live with a level of discomfort, unease. It's a longing for something we can't see or put into words. A need so deep that we will do anything and everything to find fulfillment. We spend our entire lives pursuing the peace that comes from filling that need. Alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, TV, web sites, you name it. We use all of these things and more in a vain attempt to find something that meets this need.

God created us for relationship with Him. The longing you feel, I feel, is for a connection with Him. God gave us all of those things - alcohol, TV, candy, friends, etc. - to bring enjoyment. Enjoyment, but not joy. Joy comes through our spirit, our heart, from God. When we connect with Him, we are at peace. When He leads us, all of the other stuff follows naturally.

What do I mean? The formula for losing weight is simple - eat less, do more. Consume fewer calories while burning more of them. Your body will convert fat into calories. It literally burns off the weight. The hard part of losing weight wasn't knowing how. The hard part (for me) was actually doing it.

So what changed? I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. Like every other change in my life, the moment comes when I stop taking control. I stopped fixing the discomfort, stopped trying to cover over the longing, and gave it over to God. I yelled, pleaded, begged, and screamed. He let me be angry and sad. Through it all, He was faithful. He is still faithful.

That moment came in an OCD fit. Medication, overeating, and stress brought on the desire for strength and power so strong that I could not control it. And I just grabbed onto something, a phrase, where I had to be right. It had to be exactly my way or nothing at all. I remember stepping back outside myself at the time, thinking how dumb it all was. But I couldn't stop. It's like when Vania goes nuts - because I have to.

An amazing thing happened, though. The person on the receiving end forgave me. Not with a fight. Not after making me feel bad. I felt plenty bad on my own. I had hurt a friend, probably one of the closest friends I had. But willingly, before I even asked. And I felt such gratitude that I chose to change. This is the forgiveness that God offers. It took another person for me to see what He always provided.

God changed me. All I had to do was allow Him. So what does that have to do with losing weight? Because it was easier to eat less when I trusted Him. When I listened, when I connected with Him, He filled that longing. Not completely. But enough. And all of a sudden I didn't want to scarf down a pizza in a fit of depression. The temptation is still there. But it lost its power. It's weak. Weaker than the Spirit that says wait.

It was hard, what God asked me to do. This is no cake walk. But once I listened, once I submitted myself to His will, God led me into behaviors that resulted in losing weight. Because I asked. I asked Him to fix the mess I had made of myself. And He answered.

Now this is the part that you probably expected - what did I actually do...

• Track calories
• Replaced carbs with proteins
• Walking for 30 minutes a day

It wasn't all at once. Those 3 bullet points happened over 6 months. They came about in gradual steps. For example, I had to replace bread and candy in order to stay in my calorie limit. Lunchables were great. Then Slim Jims and tuna fish. Slowly, steadily, God would open my eyes with a new idea. Pickles, pretzels, popcorn. Over the course of a year my diet changed. One step at a time.

I learned that it was okay to eat a little more once in a while. I learned that I didn't have to keep a calendar of my walking. I learned that God can provide lunch every day, day after day, of just what I needed. And most of all, I learned that He could tell me when to stop. I followed no plan. I had no set date in mind. Even the weight I wanted isn't the weight I'm at. But I am where God wants me to be.

The longing never goes away, not in this life or in this world. At the end of Revelations, we learn that God creates a new earth. The apostle John says He will wipe away all of their tears. And He sends out His Son, who hands each and every person a little white stone. On the stone is written your name. The name that God knows you by. The name that explains who you are, who He always saw you to be. In that moment, in that one second, God finishes the work that He began in us. That is when the longing is filled. He restores the connection. And this all becomes just another memory.