Old Clay Pots

Have you ever told someone that they're worthless? Do you ever feel worthless? Has someone told you that you are worthless?  Were they wrong?

That probably feels awkward. You would usually expect some kind of encouragement. A soliloquy about how everyone matters to God. The truth is, they don't.

The Bible quite clearly divides humanity into two groups. And whatever labels you use, one group receives God's boundless grace while the other gets ignored. Well, the Bible uses language such as cast out, utter darkness, torment. In church tradition, we refer to this as Hell. What do you think this means?

It is God turning His back. Those in this condition are simply ignored. They are of such little consequence that God stops paying attention to them. At all. Isn't that worthless?

Somewhere in the Old Testament (Jeremiah or Isaiah?) is the illustration of a potter. A potter creates pots. The potter makes very ornate pots, putting them on display for sale. They bring much needed food, clothing, etc. to their creator - the potter. These pots have value to the potter. He will care for them. Protect them. They're not used for common, everyday tasks.

On the other hand, the potter has some pots that have defects. The potter created them with the intention to discard them because he needed that pot for another purpose. When it serves that purpose, the pot becomes worthless. Not even fit for a menial task like hauling water.

Which pot are you? I don't know. Neither do you. We can't see forever. God knows. The potter knows. And He sent the person Jesus Christ to gather His pots. When you feel worthless, is your first instinct to run to Jesus and ask?

Probably not. I go into my head. Self righteous feels good in that moment. Of course I'm not worthless, I say. But what good does that do? Can I will myself to live forever? Can I, merely by choosing, change the course of the world? Affect a single black hole wandering through the universe? Guide the sub-atomic particles hurtling through the vastness of the cosmos to their destinations and make them bond with other particles to form elements and worlds and stars? Nope. I can't even stop my hair from turning grey.

My own valuation of myself is completely meaningless. Your evaluation of me is completely meaningless. I'm pretty sure you can't do any of these things either. And even if all the billions and billions of people in the world join together, they can't do that either. The value that I ascribe just isn't that much.

The value Jesus gives, well that's astronomical. Power over life and death. He commanded the weather. Re-arranged matter (water into wine). Kicked immune systems into place (aka healed the sick). And raised Himself from the dead. This is value. His value of me, His opinion of me matters a lot.

If you are worthless to Him, aren't you truly worthless? I see this pattern that God doesn't do anything small. We live on a large world, in a huge solar system, on an even more impressive galaxy, inside an immeasurable universe. He created us forever - no end. Our movies only last 1 to two hours. His story goes on and on. Nothing He does is small.

The same goes for hope and despair. You can read this and be happy beyond measure because Jesus told you, tells you, that you belong to Him. You matter. He gives you value - and all that other stuff too. Or you can read this and go into despair. Only one person knows your place - Jesus.

So my point? Your hurt feelings do not determine right and wrong. I'm not dismissing your feelings. They are real. Relationships are important. And if a friend told me they felt this way, I would reach out with empathy and love. But, sadly, that's all I have to offer. Jesus has way more. So start there. Start with His truth, with Him.

Obedience, revisited

I've been thinking over obedience lately. I think it gets a bad rap. We tend to associate obedience with controlling. As a matter of fact, I've known people to use that very misconception as an excuse for being disobedient.

In the early stages of a relationship, obedience often comes with a significant measure of obedience. For example, when I first started in my current job, I did a lot of exactly what I was told. I complied a lot. That's how I learned. It's how I earned the trust of the people I serve. 

After a while, I began asking if I could change something. When several of those worked out (and a few didn't), they began asking for input. Our relationship grew based on trust. Obedience plays a key role in establishing trust. The goal of obedience was and always is a deepening relationship.

God established this early on. The very first books in the Bible spell out a lot of rules. In the early stages of His relationship with us, obedience involved a large degree of control - compliance. But it doesn't stay there. The people considered heroes in the Bible all showed faith. Obedience established trust. Trust brought a deeper relationship.

Obedience in marriage is not about control. It's about communication. It establishes roles. A husband bears responsibility for the decisions he makes. God clearly expects those decisions to involve sacrifice on his part, place his family's needs above his own, and fall in line with God's own principles.

A wife can and should give input to her husband. She has an obligation to persuade him. That takes work learning his style, lingo, and preferences. Manipulation occurs when he's deceived about why. Persuading your husband to move in a direction God asks = very good. Saying that just to get your own way = very bad. Do you understand your own motivations that well?

The goal is always trust. When practiced over many years, the lines become blurred. That's okay. That's what should happen. Proverbs 31 describes a desirable wife as one who conducts business independently, but in coordination with her husband. Rather than control, her obedience led to greater responsibility and a deeper relationship. 

God starts us out on the easy stuff - just like I did with my kids. As we mature through out obedience, He gives us more responsibility and more complex situations. And once you think you've got it, blam! He'll hit you with something that doesn't fit anything you think you understand. There is always more.

Obedience is not training. Dog's are trained. People obey. Obedience comes from the obedient person. Training comes from the master. They're backwards of each other. Training makes the dog subservient. Obedience elevates your stature. Sounds weird, right? How can doing what someone else says make me more? Because every relationship has 3 people - you, me, and God.

Should a wife express her opinion, desires, and ideas? Absolutely. Obedience merely describes the how, not the what. It's how you approach your husband, boss, pastor, God, etc.. That you should approach him is never the question.

Does that make sense? Am I rationalizing? I don't know. I need to learn a little more.

Connection

 I'm struggling with a mix of emotions right now. And they're all related to a couple of things that happened recently.

A few weeks ago, one of my elementary school teachers was arrested. It might be valid, and it might be a false accusation. Honestly, I have no idea. My point is that today I remembered having a dream about being in elementary school again. I saw the gym where we waited for school to start in the winter. Even walked through it in my dream. Then a friend sent me the news clipping about this whole scandal. I didn't make the connection until today.

I say this because something similar happened this week. I started out in a funk this week. Irritated at every little thing. And a vague feeling of powerlessness. I have been wracking my brain (and praying) about why. Today, my ex e-mails me. She gave my youngest daughter a phone and set up an second Google account.

My daughter has had an Android tablet for several years. She has history, e-mail, and content already under a Google account. My ex has received, accepted, and declined appointments for years that went to my daughter's account. Yet the ex set up a brand new one. Threw all of the history and purchases out the window. (Sorry, I'm still mad. It bleeds through.)

That was all in motion earlier this week - during the funk. I think my feelings were related to those actions. Spiritually, I felt my ex's hurtful actions.

My friend at work calls us empaths. We get along so well because we understand each other. I think empathy means more than just emotions. I think it's more spiritual. It expresses itself through emotions. Empathy may come through the part of the brain that deals with our own emotions. Makes sense. I re-use subroutines all the time.

I don't understand the mechanism. Do we all have this? Is it part of our spiritual being? Is it God speaking, guiding? Preparing me for something that's coming. Is it because the spiritual realm isn't constrained by time. And I'm feeling spiritual changes before they become realized in the physical world? Is this what we lose when we die to the spirit?

I think God does use this mechanism to speak. I think He uses empathy to the extent the person feels empathy. Empathy is not a measure of connection with Him. Not all empaths live in the Spirit. And not everyone in the Spirit has the same empathic ability. Like everything else, I think God created me with a unique combination and tailors our relationship that way.

Concrete Application

Ever heard the justification I'm not hurting anyone but myself? I'm here to say that's a lie. I am hurt, whether you meant that or not. I am hurt because I feel it. You can't change that. You can't stop it. You can't control it. When I connect with someone, their feelings invade my own - like this week.

You are hurting someone. I spent two decades married to this woman who told me every day that her sin is my fault. My oldest two daughters hurt me rather than feel remorse or shame. An old "friend" who told me I was wrong because I didn't obey her social rules on Facebook - just because she didn't like the facts in what I said. I am surrounded by people who impose their feelings on me. Define right and wrong on their feelings. Yet have no regard whatsoever for mine.

I'm a thinker. I internalize everything. I think that's selfish. Placing ones self at the center of the universe - everything revolves around your feelings. But don't point that out.

A scorpion always stings. And the emperor has no clothes. People are messy. I'm no exception.

Power is not abuse

I find it ironic how God works in themes. I try working something out. Then all of sudden things happen right along that very subject. Yes, a little bit of it comes from my own perception (or lack thereof). Still, other events independent of me coincide just perfectly. It's not so much God manipulating events around me. It's Him leading me in preparation of upcoming events.

Either way, I'm writing today about obedience - specifically, obedience between husbands and wives. 

We had a men's gathering for church yesterday morning. The topic was our relationship with women in the church as sisters. As one point in that whole lesson, the speaker touched on marriage - husbands and wives. I like his take that marriage is an anamoly. It is one woman with whom our relationship is different. And, of course, this touched on the subject of authority in marriage.

Full disclosure, I was a little disappointed. It seemed to follow the theme of our day - men exercising power are abusive. I understand why the speaker has this point of view as he has heard and lived these stories. It strikes me as incomplete. My experience with an abusive wife is much different. So I struggle with where does a balanced view lie.

Men, in their abuse, tend toward a more aggresive posture. Aggression is easily seen and related with. It pulls on the heart strings. We suddenly forget about questions of right and wrong. Someone is hurt. We need to save them. We have replaced right and wrong with feeling good. We have been manipulated, moved from focussing on Jesus into focussing on our pain (aka sympathy).

My point is, right and wrong come from God. Our relationship with Him, through His Son, Jesus, is the only real definition for right/wrong. If God says this woman is abused, help her, you should. If God says deal with her sin first, then you should do that. But first and foremost, you need to talk with God. What you see is incomplete. A picture painted by the people directly involved. And that picture has parts of them in it. God has the whole picture.

Getting back to the topic at hand... God gave wives (not women, wives) the responsibility to submit to their husbands. I think of it in terms of a business. Someone yesterday made the point that in Biblical times, the family was the economic unit. All businesses were inherently family businesses. In that vein, in our business, I submit to my boss. I run new ideas by her. I give her the authority to make decisions. She knows more about the current state and direction of the business than I do.

In turn, my boss and I have worked together for many years now. She trusts my recommendations. Listens to my opinions. And even sometimes lets me make decisions. I trust that she wants to keep the business open and paychecks flowing, serve our clients, and help everyone on our team grow. We built a relationship. And that's the key - obedience is about building the relationship. Obedience is not the goal. Obedience is the first step. And as the relationship matures, the nature of obedience changes.

We are all sinners - men and women alike. Men can abuse their wives submission. Wives can abuse their husbands authority/responsibility. Someone married for 30 years will and should have a very different relationship than when they got married. 

Responsibility

 Couple of Sundays ago, the pastor said authority and responsibility are the same thing. I remember this, because in my head I always phrased it authority and responsibility are two sides of the same coin. And something occurred to me on a walk. This is part of the mechanism to forgive our sin.

I love to figure out how things work. So yes, I think about how one person dying 2,000 years ago can be enough to cover all the things wrong with me, let alone all of the other people too. Jesus told His disciples all authority in heaven and on earth is given to me. That's how He can also accept responsibility for our sin. Jesus was in charge. If He has the authority, then He has also chosen to accept the responsibility. 

That blows my mind. This is a true leader. God gave Jesus authority so that Jesus could take the responsibility. Not just responsibility for what I do wrong. Responsibility for fixing it. So He has the authority and means to fix the world. And accepted the job of doing so.

Yes - fix the world. He starts with us. A little bit at a time. Over time. Preparing us for the real fix. The one that's coming.

Sorry, going down a rabbit trail. Back to the point. Jesus' authority provides the means for His taking the responsibility for me. And because He takes that, I don't need to worry. The responsibility for being good no longer falls on my shoulders. I still want to be good. Not because I have to. Because that's the kind of person I want to be my friend. Gratitude. 

Guilt

Watched season 14, episode 9 of Grey's Anatomy. In this episode, an abusive husband comes back to haunt the Jo Wilson character. I really dislike those kind of story lines. It's who Renee wanted me to be. She spent many years telling me that I was that person.

Now, after 20 years of being told in every discussion that I was abusive, I do get angry. I get very angry and I lash out at Renee. Sadly, lashing out is also the only way to get information from her. I feel trapped between a rock and a hard place.

The worst part, even talking about can be passed off as denial. Who is going to believe that a wife is gaslighting her husband? And if it hurts me, if I respond in any way, then it merely confirms the lie - I'm abusive. I can't feel. I can't be angry. Renee only responds to anger.

I wish I had the patience Jesus displayed. I don't. So I listen to Him. I tell Him. And then I do something, knowing that sometimes I'll be right (even if it's mean) and He'll testify on my behalf when I'm not. I belong to Him. He knows the truth, even the ugly parts. I trust Him.

"Excuse" me

 Today's topic is excuses versus explanations. I'm sure I looked weird walking around the neighborhood muttering to myself about this one.

Excuses - good ones - sound like explanations. It makes them hard to spot - especially if you tend to giving people the benefit of the doubt. Excuses are reasons to quit. I think of them like witchcraft - magic words to get what you want. Excuses are selfish, always.

Explanations bring you closer to a resolution. Explanations acknowledge facts. Explanations never include motivation. An explanation is not a destination. It is a step towards your goal of restoration - restoring a relationship that you damaged.

Excuses assume forgiveness. Excuses are about control - control through manipulation. Explanations move to the next step - how do I not do this again. What do I do next so that I move away from what was wrong?

This tripped me up about repentance. Turning away doesn't mean stopping yourself from ever doing it again. We can't. Our sinful nature has too much power right now. It does mean that I can do something. A small step. Small steps become larger steps. Explanations are mindfulness. Excuses are denial.

Excuses prevent forgiveness. Excuses justify what you do. If you're justified, then no forgiveness needed. In contrast, when we're justified through forgiveness, we can both acknowledge that we were wrong and restore the relationship. Excuses end relationships. Forgiveness builds them.

Forgiveness allows the other person an opportunity for generosity. They shine. Their character stands out. Excuses make it all about me. They deprive the other person of this opportunity and tells them that they're wrong for their own feelings about what I did. Excuses don't just steal an opportunity. They drive the wedge deeper by compounding the wrong.

Ever heard Dave Ramsey explain compound interest? It's an amazing concept. Over long periods of time, compound interest turns smaller sums of money into larger. Great news for retirement! When I say excuses compound the wrong, I'm thinking the same thing - only bad. Compound interest on a debt will overwhelm you. That kind of bad.

Explanations are extremely valuable. They help you learn about yourself or a friend. Explanations with forgiveness can restore broken relationships. Excuses stop everything in their tracks. Excuses kill. Excuses shut down the conversation. What are your favorite excuses?