Just Being With You

I watched an episode from the TV show Monk last night. The police captain stays with Monk for a few nights. While he's there, the captain keeps straightening the coffee table. If you're not familiar with the TV show, Monk is a detective with OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). When they argue about the table, the captain observes that every other piece of furniture sits at a clean 90 degree angle. But Monk keeps setting the coffee table askew.

At the end of the episode, they show a scene of Monk with his late wife. She is sitting on the couch with her feet on the coffee table. She asks Monk if he's tired. He says yes, lays down and puts his head in her lap. The coffee table is positioned for her feet.

That picture, the comfort and safety he found by curling up and being with her. They exchanged something. I'm just not sure what. She gave him something. And it meant so much that he keeps the table the way it used to be. It was a spiritual exchange.

It reminds me of two people and conversations we've had. With one person, their significant other says "I just like having you here." It upsets this person. Makes them feel like an empty show piece.

The other person is someone I tell "I just like being with you." At first, I wanted them to feel comfortable with the silence. We don't need to fill the empty spaces with words. We can have our own social contract - one that benefits us. In a sense, we exchange something spiritually. I don't quite understand it yet.

What makes the same words a comfort to one person and an insult to another? Is there something underneath the words that matters more?

Consider the first person. If the words are all there is, then even if I told them that I enjoy just being in their presence, I would also be insulting them. It would be impossible for this person to ever have someone enjoy them. But if the words are merely a physical manifestation of something spiritual, then the person who says those words can make a difference in the outcome.

Or in language I've used before - the quality of the fruit depends on the quality of the tree. Saying the words doesn't make them true. And it certainly doesn't guarantee a result. There is something - Someone - deeper, underneath the sounds and definitions.

Why is this even bouncing around in my head? I'm looking for hope. I'm looking for a reason to trust. That's hard when all words look like lies.

Love and Need

Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other. (Dali Lama)

Yes, this a million times over. This defines the difference between obedience and compliance. Compliance does as little as it needs to get what it wants. Obedience goes above and beyond not just to avoid punishment, but to genuinely please someone.

I've wondered why God made it so easy for us to forget just how much He does for us. Our brains are designed - by Him - to shunt away things that repeat. Can this be one reason?

I don't know about you, but my brain has limited capacity. What if I spend that capacity loving Him instead of thinking about everything I need from Him? Shouldn't that be the basis of my relationship with Him? My love exceeds the need? And it's a lot of big needs.

At Home

This is something I tried to teach my daughters. Following rules is where toddlers start. I expected you to do not just what I asked, but above and beyond. Do it with excellence. Cleaner than I expected. Notice that it needs doing without me telling you. Understand what I want, and do something I never asked you to do.

Obedience becomes a vehicle for learning. We become more like the person we "obey". Too often we think of obedience as following commands, like a soldier in the military. Like soldiers, you're not supposed to stay a private for all your life. You learn, you grow, and you take on more responsibility. Eventually, you shape others as much as others have shaped you.

Obedience leads to responsibility, respect, trust. God wants us to rule the world. That was His first command to Adam. The more we become like Him, the more responsibility He gives us. God didn't create robots to be programmed. He expected us to grow. He expects to give us more.

That's what I want for my girls. I expect them to move out and have their own families. To take responsibility for themselves, then someone else.

Childish

In her book Thinking in Pictures, Temple Grandin describes her emotions as childish. Surprise, surprise, I was having another conversation in my head. This is one of the things that really stood out in that book. And by stood out I mean sounded familiar.

I spent the last two days trying to deal with, I guess, depression. I wanted to be alone, eat junk food, and watch TV. Is that the right word for this stuff? Anyway, I always want to understand why I feel the way I feel. What leads up to it? What's the pattern?

I believe this episode came in response to helping a friend. This person had a very difficult week emotionally. A lot of stuff just went wrong all at once. I've learned, in these cases, that I listen and let them draw strength. And I'm glad to do it.

Emotionally, stuff like that brings a high. I assume it's what people mean when they say connection. So I'm going to say that I feel a connection. When the connection breaks, though, the emotional "high" dissipates. Like a sugar rush, there's a crash at the end. The crash is what I'm calling depression.

See, this happens a lot. Even being in a lot of meetings can lead to the same place. Anything that involves people eventually leads to the crash. The depth and/or duration of the connection affects the depth of the crash. The crash seems to be my brain's way of trying to feel again, almost like an addiction.

Does that sound weird - trying to feel? If you can't tell, I think a lot. I spend a lot of my time in thinking mode using system 2.

How It Feels

I believe Vania goes through this too. Dr. Grandin posited that people on the autism spectrum feel and express their feelings in terms of base emotions. For example, some cry because all emotions come out that way. Some get angry. The point is, instead of processing their emotions, the emotions simply become another one. Which other one often depends on up bringing.

I get angry. I think Vania cries. I know growing up I heard how much I needed to control my temper. What I really heard was stop feeling that way. My feelings were bad, because they all came out the same way. I don't want Vania to hear that.

I feel like I'm back at a point in my life where I was many years ago. Only this time, I know at least one path that doesn't work. I just don't know what does work. I can't teach Vania what I don't know.

I do know that I can listen to her. Let her express her feelings in her own way - cry, yell, whatever form it takes. Correct behavior, and make sure that she feels loved.

One of Those Days

As the blog name implies, I imagined a conversation while walking today. The person on the other side just got kicked when down. You know, bad things come in threes. Anyway, even in my imagination, I had the temptation to say the ever banal everything will be alright.

It just sounds so dismissive. You shouldn't feel bad because everything will get better later. Okay, my job is done. See ya! Not very helpful.

Now, if you have a long talk. They purge their emotions. And you want to leave them with a sense of encouragement. Then, maybe, you can say this with some good eye contact as real encouragement. See the difference? Investment, connection.

I'm reading a book about project planning. The author makes the point that "the plan isn't important, the planning is." The words aren't important.

Feeling Small

Somehow I went from this line of thought into the story of Job. Towards the end of the story, Job is feeling really down. He gets upset. God lays out this whole speech asking if Job can create the leviathan in the sea, a behemoth on land, change the weather, put x-rays and other particles in motion so they intersect a spinning dirtball at just the right time. I feel small.

Job felt so bad that he pretty much breaks down. And Gods ends the sequence by saying that Job is important to Him. He puts Job in the context of all this stuff. Then dismisses the stuff and calls Job valuable. 

Connecting

What do I really want to say to the person on the other side? It's okay to feel awful. It's safe to feel awful. Grief is overwhelming. Everything else just amplifies it, like stubbing an already broken toe. There may be no other way than through, but you don't have to go alone.

Unpleasant Realization

I had an unpleasant realization Saturday morning. Renee has all the behaviors of an abuser - empty promises to change, denial of a problem, blaming the victim, insincere kindness trying to pretend she never did anything wrong. It was the insincere kindness that caught my attention.

Renee is substituting politeness for repentance. This is a pattern that I've seen over and over. She did exactly this after having hallucinations and neglecting the girls. What really makes me angry is that someone has told Renee all of this makes her right. They believe that I owe her because she's made an empty gesture.

I'm loathe to say that Renee abused me. I'm sure she tried. Renee used abuse as an excuse - a way to make me (and other people) feel sorry for her. It's left a bad taste in my mouth, emotionally speaking. So in my mind, the important thing is her behavior. See, I can't even call it abusive behavior.

But it was. Still is.

A Day in the Life

I'm not sure why I'm writing this entry. It's frightening.

I'd like to give you some idea of what I lived with for 22 years. Shortly after getting married, Renee and I went grocery shopping. She told me to go get tomato sauce. Simple enough. My Mom always made her sauce. It was big pot, with the meatballs cooked right on the sauce. What was left went into the freezer. Spaghetti was a big dinner.

Renee meant the cans that say Tomato Sauce on them. I brought back spaghetti sauce. And all she would say is "that's not right." I brought back a different jar. Same thing - "that's not right." No explanation of what to look for, what was different. She just kept telling me to get "tomato sauce." On the third trip I noticed the cans. Then it all made sense. This has always been the pattern.

I remember Renee asking what I thought about her getting her hair cut. I told her that I would prefer she didn't. I remember choosing my words purposefully. I didn't want to be bossy or overbearing. It was only a day or two later that I came home from work to find she had it done. Years later, I realized Renee had already made the appointment.

Words never meant what they mean. Renee chose words she believed I wanted to hear. Then defined them very precisely to be what she wanted. It was manipulation, pure and simple. I remember sitting in Taylor's Student Union while Renee told me what she wrote in her wedding vows. She made a very specific point, for several minutes, about putting in the word obey. She specifically said that's how she wanted our relationship to be.

We talked about what obedience meant. We agreed on those terms. That's what the housework meant to me. Housework is stupid and small. Obedience was important. Rebellion was important. It was never about the housework. It was always about the reasons behind the lack of work.

I remember at two or three times I found out about appointments or some event by accident. Renee insisted that she told me. But those conversations never took place.

Renee had her magic words. These were phrases meant as code for something totally different than what they mean. For example, how was your day meant she wanted to hear herself talk. He said it was all in my head meant the doctor told her something she didn't like.

I've always known that I don't see things like everyone else. I questioned my reality. Did I forget those conversations? Was I wrong for not talking about my day? You have no idea what that does to a person.

Carrier Waves

I was thinking some more about waves. I watched a documentary once about the invention of radio. The basic idea is that there is a constant signal. Even during times of silence, a radio station still transmits a signal called a carrier wave. As the DJ speaks, those changes are super imposed onto the carrier. A receiver tunes to the carrier wave. It decodes the differences relative to the carrier.

This started as a question - what's changed? I see a friend going through a cycle of changes. Trying to gain control over some part of her life. I know that I do those things when something feels out of control. And I wonder what feels out of control.

On the other hand, I also make changes in response to nudges. I read a book of the same name - Nudges - a while back. The author made the observation that small nudges can influence our decisions. Rather than manipulating people by forcing them into what you want, give them choices arranged to reflect your values. Nudge them with cues, but leave the final decision with them. We humans are programmed to respond to these cues.

It makes sense to me that God also uses those same nudges. Sometimes I listen to them. Change isn't bad. Change is, well change. Facts change. Circumstances change. If God represents the carrier wave of the universe, then His changes move us in the same direction as everything else. These changes bring about something good.

Why I change is more important than the act of changing.

Cain and Abel

For those not familiar with the story, Cain and Abel were brothers. Abel was a shepherd. Cain a farmer. At the time, people were making animal sacrifices. God proscribed an unblemished lamb as the correct sacrifice. Cain decided his vegetables should make just as good an offering. God was not pleased.

Cain saw that Abel was doing well. Cain got angry, killed Abel, and tried to hide what happened. Remember, Cain did what he wanted instead of what was asked. Blamed the person who did what was asked. And hurt that person rather than accept that Cain himself did anything wrong.

The why sets whether we go along with the carrier wave or fight against it. Obedience is allowing the carrier wave to carry us forward. Imagine when everything and everyone in the universe all moves in harmony toward the same end? Peace. Real peace.