Power is not abuse

I find it ironic how God works in themes. I try working something out. Then all of sudden things happen right along that very subject. Yes, a little bit of it comes from my own perception (or lack thereof). Still, other events independent of me coincide just perfectly. It's not so much God manipulating events around me. It's Him leading me in preparation of upcoming events.

Either way, I'm writing today about obedience - specifically, obedience between husbands and wives. 

We had a men's gathering for church yesterday morning. The topic was our relationship with women in the church as sisters. As one point in that whole lesson, the speaker touched on marriage - husbands and wives. I like his take that marriage is an anamoly. It is one woman with whom our relationship is different. And, of course, this touched on the subject of authority in marriage.

Full disclosure, I was a little disappointed. It seemed to follow the theme of our day - men exercising power are abusive. I understand why the speaker has this point of view as he has heard and lived these stories. It strikes me as incomplete. My experience with an abusive wife is much different. So I struggle with where does a balanced view lie.

Men, in their abuse, tend toward a more aggresive posture. Aggression is easily seen and related with. It pulls on the heart strings. We suddenly forget about questions of right and wrong. Someone is hurt. We need to save them. We have replaced right and wrong with feeling good. We have been manipulated, moved from focussing on Jesus into focussing on our pain (aka sympathy).

My point is, right and wrong come from God. Our relationship with Him, through His Son, Jesus, is the only real definition for right/wrong. If God says this woman is abused, help her, you should. If God says deal with her sin first, then you should do that. But first and foremost, you need to talk with God. What you see is incomplete. A picture painted by the people directly involved. And that picture has parts of them in it. God has the whole picture.

Getting back to the topic at hand... God gave wives (not women, wives) the responsibility to submit to their husbands. I think of it in terms of a business. Someone yesterday made the point that in Biblical times, the family was the economic unit. All businesses were inherently family businesses. In that vein, in our business, I submit to my boss. I run new ideas by her. I give her the authority to make decisions. She knows more about the current state and direction of the business than I do.

In turn, my boss and I have worked together for many years now. She trusts my recommendations. Listens to my opinions. And even sometimes lets me make decisions. I trust that she wants to keep the business open and paychecks flowing, serve our clients, and help everyone on our team grow. We built a relationship. And that's the key - obedience is about building the relationship. Obedience is not the goal. Obedience is the first step. And as the relationship matures, the nature of obedience changes.

We are all sinners - men and women alike. Men can abuse their wives submission. Wives can abuse their husbands authority/responsibility. Someone married for 30 years will and should have a very different relationship than when they got married. 

Responsibility

 Couple of Sundays ago, the pastor said authority and responsibility are the same thing. I remember this, because in my head I always phrased it authority and responsibility are two sides of the same coin. And something occurred to me on a walk. This is part of the mechanism to forgive our sin.

I love to figure out how things work. So yes, I think about how one person dying 2,000 years ago can be enough to cover all the things wrong with me, let alone all of the other people too. Jesus told His disciples all authority in heaven and on earth is given to me. That's how He can also accept responsibility for our sin. Jesus was in charge. If He has the authority, then He has also chosen to accept the responsibility. 

That blows my mind. This is a true leader. God gave Jesus authority so that Jesus could take the responsibility. Not just responsibility for what I do wrong. Responsibility for fixing it. So He has the authority and means to fix the world. And accepted the job of doing so.

Yes - fix the world. He starts with us. A little bit at a time. Over time. Preparing us for the real fix. The one that's coming.

Sorry, going down a rabbit trail. Back to the point. Jesus' authority provides the means for His taking the responsibility for me. And because He takes that, I don't need to worry. The responsibility for being good no longer falls on my shoulders. I still want to be good. Not because I have to. Because that's the kind of person I want to be my friend. Gratitude. 

Guilt

Watched season 14, episode 9 of Grey's Anatomy. In this episode, an abusive husband comes back to haunt the Jo Wilson character. I really dislike those kind of story lines. It's who Renee wanted me to be. She spent many years telling me that I was that person.

Now, after 20 years of being told in every discussion that I was abusive, I do get angry. I get very angry and I lash out at Renee. Sadly, lashing out is also the only way to get information from her. I feel trapped between a rock and a hard place.

The worst part, even talking about can be passed off as denial. Who is going to believe that a wife is gaslighting her husband? And if it hurts me, if I respond in any way, then it merely confirms the lie - I'm abusive. I can't feel. I can't be angry. Renee only responds to anger.

I wish I had the patience Jesus displayed. I don't. So I listen to Him. I tell Him. And then I do something, knowing that sometimes I'll be right (even if it's mean) and He'll testify on my behalf when I'm not. I belong to Him. He knows the truth, even the ugly parts. I trust Him.

"Excuse" me

 Today's topic is excuses versus explanations. I'm sure I looked weird walking around the neighborhood muttering to myself about this one.

Excuses - good ones - sound like explanations. It makes them hard to spot - especially if you tend to giving people the benefit of the doubt. Excuses are reasons to quit. I think of them like witchcraft - magic words to get what you want. Excuses are selfish, always.

Explanations bring you closer to a resolution. Explanations acknowledge facts. Explanations never include motivation. An explanation is not a destination. It is a step towards your goal of restoration - restoring a relationship that you damaged.

Excuses assume forgiveness. Excuses are about control - control through manipulation. Explanations move to the next step - how do I not do this again. What do I do next so that I move away from what was wrong?

This tripped me up about repentance. Turning away doesn't mean stopping yourself from ever doing it again. We can't. Our sinful nature has too much power right now. It does mean that I can do something. A small step. Small steps become larger steps. Explanations are mindfulness. Excuses are denial.

Excuses prevent forgiveness. Excuses justify what you do. If you're justified, then no forgiveness needed. In contrast, when we're justified through forgiveness, we can both acknowledge that we were wrong and restore the relationship. Excuses end relationships. Forgiveness builds them.

Forgiveness allows the other person an opportunity for generosity. They shine. Their character stands out. Excuses make it all about me. They deprive the other person of this opportunity and tells them that they're wrong for their own feelings about what I did. Excuses don't just steal an opportunity. They drive the wedge deeper by compounding the wrong.

Ever heard Dave Ramsey explain compound interest? It's an amazing concept. Over long periods of time, compound interest turns smaller sums of money into larger. Great news for retirement! When I say excuses compound the wrong, I'm thinking the same thing - only bad. Compound interest on a debt will overwhelm you. That kind of bad.

Explanations are extremely valuable. They help you learn about yourself or a friend. Explanations with forgiveness can restore broken relationships. Excuses stop everything in their tracks. Excuses kill. Excuses shut down the conversation. What are your favorite excuses?

Dead Reckoning

 I think too much when I walk. Lately, I've been thinking about forgiveness and repentance. Both involve dying to the flesh, as Paul describes it. Today, my attention focused on the word dying.

Repentance is death. What do we do when someone close to us dies? We grieve. Hopefully by now you've heard the 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I submit that repentance is stage 5 - acceptance.

Repentance

Repentance happens when we accept the truth - I am wrong. We pass through all 5 of these of these stages. Deny that it was wrong. There is no right and wrong. What I did wasn't wrong. And even the blatant "I didn't do it." Delusion, agnosticism, and atheism can be forms of denial.

Anger may attack, blame, or say "you do it too". Bargaining might be promises, excuses, and even accusations. Anything that manipulates the injured party into compromising on repentance. Personally, I find this stage the most difficult to perceive. I have a natural tendency to give people the benefit of the doubt. It makes me vulnerable to many forms of bargaining without realizing. This stage may often look or feel like acceptance. The difference is often only in your heart.

I don't have anything to say about the depression stage.

Acceptance means facing the truth. Jesus taught that behavior comes from the heart. Truth means both consequences and the state of your heart. Accepting the truth of who you are and how that affects the world and people around you. Once you accept the truth, you then accept the responsibility. That breeds repentance. 

Repentance is about your character.

Forgiveness

Ever heard the phrase "forgive and forget"? Or the Psalm where David says that God's forgiveness pushes away our sins "as far as the east is from the west". Forgiveness is not pretending that something never happened. Forgiveness is accepting the cost even though it isn't yours. Forgiveness is about their character (the injured party).

God's forgiveness speaks volumes about His character. That's why it doesn't, in any way, depend on us. That's why bargaining is so dangerous.

Negotiation occurs between equals. By bargaining, the person who did the wrong elevates themselves. The debtor is slave to the lender. Mentally, when bargaining, we view ourselves as equal, not in debt. Not accepting responsibility for our debt.

Revisited

I stepped away for a couple of days after writing that first part. This part happened in the shower. Really, this is my idle time. 

Acceptance is not repentance. Acceptance of the truth is a precursor to repentance. 

A co-worker explained the meaning of dead reckoning. It's a nautical term. The navigator used landmarks and written descriptions to determine where on the coast the ship landed. Long before GPS, a ship headed out in the general direction. Stars and moon ensured they stayed going the right way. But they're imprecise. The chances of following a straight line are pretty much zero. Land fall rarely happened exactly at the port. The navigator used landmarks to identify where the ship was relative to the port they wanted.

Grief is like sailing across the ocean - a long journey across a featureless landscape. A small error in aim makes for a huge difference in destination. We can accept the wrong thing. We're off course. We have veered away from the truth.

God is truth. That's why it is so important that He walk through grief with us. Jesus experienced this same cycle of grief. Jesus was always with God. He fully accepted God's truth. He fully accepted God's grace.

Jesus took the responsibility, the obligation, of our debt to God - the damage we cause His universe - completely believing in the character of God. Jesus knew He would die. He knew God would raise Him from the dead. Because He knew that is who God is. Jesus is our example of what it looks like to accept God's grace. Jesus took responsibility for billions without ever doubting His future. Rather than demand life on His own merit, Jesus allowed God to exercise His character and generously forgive. Jesus truly understood and kept sight of God's character above His own. That blows my mind!

When I veer off course, I start to depend on my character instead of God's. We accept a lie. The lie usually comes in the early stages - denial, anger, bargaining. Sometimes depression and probably rarer in acceptance. But the lie drives us off course. And our acceptance puts us in the wrong place entirely.

This all gave new meaning to the phrase accept me for who I am. That's one of the lies. And a fairly common one. It really means accept me for who I say that I am in spite of all the evidence to the contrary. It's not acceptance at all. It's pretend. Delusion, if you will. For some reason, we like to think that if enough people share a delusion then it becomes real.

Repentance follows when we accept the truth of who we are - really are. And that' hard. Really hard.

One Flesh

Today is another what if post. A question popped into my head while reading Why Does God Care Who I Sleep With? - why does Genesis say one flesh? "...and they shall become one flesh." (Genesis 2:24)

The passage doesn't say "two spirits become one". Flesh submits to the spirit. The spirit interacts with the universe around us - creation - through flesh. Two spirits acting as one flesh are two spirits affecting creation in synch. Their interaction, subduing, and shaping of the universe reflects a harmony as if one alone were working.

Jesus often says I and the Father are One. In this train of thought, does becoming one flesh paint a picture of Jesus' relationship with God? He and His Father work together so closely it looks like one acting alone. Their impact on the universe is completely synchronized. The Bible uses marriage as an image for Christ's relationship with His church. Christ relationship with us reflects His relationship with His Father. What if marriage was always the picture of our relationship with God?

The idea that two people affect the universe in unison reflects the image of how we and God affect the universe in unison - or how we were supposed to. Naturally, in this relationship, we submit to God. God knows every sub-atomic particle floating through the universe over all of time. He has a much better picture than I do. Does this mean that if Adam never sinned, wives still submit to husbands?

I'm not being trivial. Sin brought death because it reverted us into our flesh. The law of entropy takes over. Everything breaks down. Another consequence, God told Eve that Adam will rule over her and her desire would be for him. The tradition of husband as head of the family originates from there. Did God make what was always true clear because He knew we would fight? If we can't be in harmony with Him, how can we be in harmony with each other?

Because of the fall, the submitter and the submitted to are both imperfect. Even if we were perfect, doesn't one spirit still submit to the other in order to maintain harmony? We submit to God, and would submit to God. Jesus submitted to God, His Father. Why would marriage - or any other human institution - be different?

So, yeah, this is the stuff banging around in my brain today. What do you think?

Honor and Acceptance

To Deanna and Lucy...

I was reading Psalms 23 this morning. Around verse 5, it says you prepare a feast for in the presence of my enemies. You honor me by anointing my head with oil. This reminded me of Proverbs which talks about letting God be the one to honor us, not ourselves.

To me, Psalms 23 paints a picture of the ideal working conditions - peace, soft background noise, lack of danger. I can focus on what I need to do, not the rest of the world around me. Rod and staff are instruments that a shepherd uses on his own sheep, to lead them away from danger or wrong trails. They represent discipline as love, not control. Easy and gentle.

Then honor. Then eternity. The Psalm begins with God setting the circumstances, showing us where to go, protecting us as He goes too, followed by honor, esteem or acceptance, and eternity. This is life. And the one common thread is God.

Success does not come from money, education, or even trying hard enough. Success comes solely and entirely from God. Yes, we work. I work. I work hard. I make a conscious effort to be excellent at whatever I do. Sometimes I hit a home run. Others, well, tapping the ball is a victory. 

God not only knows how to pitch soft balls for home runs, He also amplifies that tiny tap so that it accomplishes something more. Success always comes from God. Live your lives for Him, and He will be proud of You. The God who made an entire universe, set planets in motion, and sub-atomic particles hurtling through space, will be proud of you.