Why I Write

I want to re-visit the topic of morning pages. I know, I know - you heard this before. Stop being so crazy, Dad. Its embarrassing.

Now that we've gotten that out of the way, I'm going to say what I want to say anyway. Sorry, kiddo.

Let's talk about prayer. I find it kind of sad that churches never really teach you how to pray. Sure, at some point you'll hear a sermon on the Lord's prayer. The pastor picks apart its structure. He'll give you some list of the kinds of things to pray - an outline, a formula. It feels like a formula, an incantation. Follow the rules and your prayer is good. We like rules. The world makes sense when there are rules. Rules mean control.

It makes us angry when people break the rules and get away with it. Or worse, prosper from it. Yeah, her name popped into your head, didn't it? Take a deep breath.

Prayer is about connection. God doesn't want the right words, He wants your words. There are no formulas, no outlines, no wrong things to say. Words express ideas, feelings, thoughts. God listens to those - the feelings, desires, and pain behind the words. We try and hide these things behind litany. Saying the right words becomes an excuse for not saying what we really mean. We hide behind the words. And the connection is broken.

God created you in His image. You are designed for relationship. Creation was the action. Relationship is the outcome. When you create, when you paint a jar, read a book, or just dream about the future - you connect with God. You mimic His action. You learn from Him - like children learn by imitating their parents. God wants that connection. He wants you to grow and learn. The Christian life isn't about going to church, being a missionary, or anything else we consider religious. It is connecting with God. He created us all uniquely. And He wants you.

The bad news is that sin gets in the way. Sin takes our eyes off God. It stands between Him and us, breaking the connection. When the rules stand in the way, when the right words stop us from really connecting, they are sin. How weird is that?

Morning pages serve one purpose, and one purpose alone - connect with God. We throw away the rules. No spelling, no grammar, no limits. You write down whatever pops into your head. There will be things that make you ashamed. Things that make you angry. Things that make you cry. Things that make you smile. Things that you could never tell anyone. Morning pages are the place to face those things. Give them voice. Because an odd thing happens, God listens.

The Bible calls our sin nature the flesh. And it is sneaky. The flesh lies about how things can never change. It tells you that you can never be good enough. The flesh will tear down everything you do - the colors aren't right, it should be brighter, you're not good enough to paint, those lines aren't even straight. The flesh speaks fear, anger, and condemnation. It makes you frightened and ashamed.

In Artist's Way, she calls the flesh the Critic or the inner critic. It criticizes. The morning pages help you move past the critic. You open your heart so God can work. The morning pages are a form of acceptance - accepting who you are.

Read the Psalms sometime. I think of them as David's morning pages. Morning pages are a place to let go. Be angry, be sad, yell, scream, kick. Tell God how He ruined Your life. Tell Him how much you hate... whomever. The morning pages are that place to let go - to never worry about the person on the other end. And when I take that little, tiny step of honesty, God reaches the rest of the way, across miles.

Morning pages are prayer. This is how you pray. Alone, just God and me. God knows all about me. He knows that I don't always understand what I feel. He knows that my emotions go off the deep end and take on a life of their own. And He accepts me. He listens to what I want to say, not the words that I use. I don't have to say it perfectly. He understands me anyway.

I think of the trouble we have understanding your little sister. I feel like her a lot. I keep saying the words and nobody gets it. When she sits at night and makes her grunting noises, she speaks a language none of us understand. Those are her morning pages - when she lets loose without fear. I want that for you too. (Not the grunting, the letting loose.)

Don't get me wrong - morning pages are only the start. As God connects with you, He will show you what happens next. Tiny little steps, always in the right direction. The morning pages start the journey. They are the housekeeping that moves everything along smoothly. Once you open yourself to God, He works. And when you connect with Him every morning, you will find yourself more and more feeling like Him - joy, peace, love, content - in a word, happy.

I originally intended to write a tutorial on the how of writing morning pages. But I can't possibly explain it better than The Artist's Way. It's the very first chapter. Not Week 1, the chapter before Week 1. If you read nothing else of the book this summer, please read that one chapter. And follow through with it. I won't ask. You never have to tell me.

You exist for a reason. God loves you because you exist. He loves you for a reason. Talk to Him.

Reading the Artist's Way

It's summer time and school's out - yay! I would like to read a book with you this summer. Most kids would think that's torture. Books are school work. No one wants to do school work over the summer. You're different. Books mean something to you. You find wonder, wisdom, and new lands in your books.

I found a book that opened up new lands for me. It's a feast of wisdom and encouragement. You and I are very much alike. I hope that you will find this book as bountiful as I did. 

I remember being your age. Non-fiction books were not really high on my list of things to read. I like mysteries and stories. Books that created movies in my head. This book is not that kind of book. It is a book about using that creativity. The book comes with homework. And oddly enough, that homework can be reading the books you do like. Or drawing. Or coloring.

This book is about the creativity in you. It is about seeing that creativity in a new light. Feeding the creativity, nourishing it, and letting it grow into a tall, strong, healthy tree. Big trees start little ones. Big trees give shade, bring color and fresh air. That's what I think of when I think of you.

A copy of The Artist's Way comes with this letter. The book has 12 chapters plus the introduction. We'll read both the introduction and chapter 1 for this week. Do you think you can do that by Thursday night? You and I will find somewhere quiet and talk about the chapter. 

The homework involves 3 things... Morning pages, artist dates, and activities. The introduction explains the morning pages and artist dates. We will do these two things every week. Also, each chapter ends with a list of activities. I ask that we each do one or two activities each week. You can pick whichever activity you want. You do not have to share the results, unless you want to. Each week, we just need to tell each other which activity we did. Honest, the activities are small, sometimes fun, and won't seem like work at all.

What do you say? Are you ready to see the person that God created you to be?

There is an empty place...

There is an empty place

Deep inside my soul.

There is an empty place

Where loneliness grows.

A hole, a need, a desire

That hides all else.

There is an empty place...

I see the things that come so close.

A touch, a hug, a word of peace.

Everyone smiles. What is that they have?

There is an empty place.

You're supposed to fill it.

You're supposed to be so big.

What is this place that eludes Your grasp?

And leaves me feeling lost.

I look for You and You're not there.

I wait and long and cry.

And all that echoes in my ears

Is the sound of silence and days gone by.

There is an empty place

Deep inside my soul.

Where there is no cross

Or voice that's not my own.

A longing for someone

Who has no name.

A cry for something

That never came.

There is an empty place

Waiting for You.

How can You still love me?

How can You still love me?
When I turn away from You.
When my heart wanders
And I take the glory due.

How can You still love me,
When each day is just a fight.
When every waking moment
I want my own delight.

How can You still love me,
When I yell and kick and scream?
How can You still love me,
When I am not who I seem?

When I cry out in pain,
Or walk away from joy.
When I listen to the fear
In the Enemy's ploy.

How can You still love me,
Because I take so much from You?
How can You still love me,
When complain is all I do?

Never satisfied with Your answer,
Day after day I clamor for more.

Show me, hold me, comfort me,

Can I really be sure?

How can You still love me?

When I can't return in kind.

How can You still love me?

"Because you are", You remind.

Where are you now?

Where are you now?

When I feel alone?

Where are you when I feel sad?

Where are you when I want what I can't have?

Where are you now?

The wind blows.

The waves crash.

I stand alone.

Quiet, wet, cold.

Where are you now?

The darkest of night.

No star in the sky.

No moon, only the grey clouds.

Where are you now?

I cry out to you.

Call your name.

Where are you now?

When I need your touch.

When I need your promise.

Where are you now?

Save me.

Rescue me.

Protect me from the storm.

Where are you now?

When life falls apart.

When everything goes wrong.

And all I see is trouble.

Where are you now?

Inspiration

I put off writing this letter, well, honestly, because I have been wrestling with it. In chapter 7 of the Artist's Way, Julia Cameron talks about artistic inspiration. I think about coming up with ideas. It's the usual belief about inspiration. Ms. Cameron describes inspiration as dipping into a well of inspiration. In other words, it's not my idea.

This is where pride comes into play. The idea isn't mine. And my pride doesn't like that. It takes humility to accept ideas from someone else.

The well that Ms. Cameron describes is God. He is the original Creator. In church, we talk about God's omniscience - He knows everything - in the context of knowing the future. Think about it now in terms of He knows every idea. There is nothing we can imagine that He hasn't already considered. That's how big God is.

We can't handle that level of creativity. Our brains would explode. Instead, when we connect with Him, God reveals ideas in the way we understand. He pulls one little bit out of that vast tidal wave and hands us the single drop of water. A tidal wave will sweep us away. A single drop fits neatly in our hand.

Psalms talks about God as our Rock - our firm foundation in the midst of chaos. I picture some guy standing on a rock, jagged edges, and level on top with crevices for footholds. The sun shines brightly and warmly while whitecaps smash into the rock's base. Only a brief, cooling amount of spray reaches the top. The man stands there, above it all, safe, secure, and peaceful. The sea can never move the rock. Because below the surface is a humongous mountain, firmly planted in the center of the earth. And no matter how many waves hit it, the rock never moves.

God is our Rock. The waves are the ocean of His ideas. In the ocean, we drown. But there, resting on Him, the same water feels refreshing. He breaks the waves into droplets. Inspiration is those little droplets, released from the greater sea, refreshing, nourishing, and sought after.

You see, this wasn't what I intended to write. I wanted to talk about torment,  hopelessness versus hope, and how, in pride, I'd rather resign myself to the hopeless outcome (it can never be better) than accept God's abundance (not just better, but better than I dreamed). And that wasn't what God wanted to say. That wasn't His inspiration.

By the way, I like His words better. God brings life. Me, I dwell in the dark - dark themes, sadness, down and out stuff. God, He brings hope. He shines a light on everything. How can you be sad with the sun shining on Your face and a gentle, warm breeze blowing across your skin? That's what happens when we connect with Him - inspiration, hope, peace.

Stupid Feelings

I hate feelings. How is that for irony? Emotions hurt. I don't understand them. And I can't control them.

Control your temper.
Think happy thoughts.

Emotions just jump and crash like a crazy roller coaster. It's frustrating.

I talked about morning pages in the last letter. I was thinking of emotions. My emotions scare me. I feel things that I think I shouldn't feel. Do you ever get angry at someone and then feel bad for feeling angry? After all, I should forgive and control my temper. No. Well, no and yes.

Well meaning parents or teachers say control your temper. But they never walk you through how. You're left feeling like a failure because it just makes no sense. I felt like a failure because it made no sense. I created a shield - pushing those stupid feelings down.

Unfortunately, destructive emotions are, well, destructive. What happens when I get angry? I want to lash out - hurt the other person. How about when I'm sad? I want to attack the problem and crush it. Pushing those desires down only turns them inward. Now they destroy me. And I became afraid of the feelings. I still am. The problem took hold over decades. It will take decades to undo. Maybe you can figure it out earlier.

Morning pages are one place to start. Those 3 pages take forever to fill up. I spend 20 or 30 minutes every day writing them. And when the writing starts to get hard, that's when the feelings come out. Sadness, desperation, anger, rage. I can't cry yet. But it gets close some days. Morning pages give me a place to let loose. I don't have to worry about hurting anyone. I can say anything about anyone in any frame of mind. The only One who listens is God.

My walks in the evenings often turn into an extension of the morning pages. I let loose on God. All of the feelings. I yell at Him. I tell Him how bad I feel. I tell Him all of the people who hurt me that day and I want to hurt back. And He takes it. The morning pages are my connection with Him. Through it all, He brings me to the end of myself.

Then comes the most important part - resolving the feelings. It really doesn't matter if someone understands how I feel. I could care less. I want a solution. What do I do with these feelings? How do I resolve them? And that was a lesson someone had to teach me - forgiveness.

Like you, I've heard all about forgiveness in church. Well, I also heard about it in school. Forgive this, forgive that. Jesus says to forgive 70 times 70 times. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. If I'm mad, then I didn't forgive. Now I'm mad and a sinner. There's no way to win. I just get farther and farther behind.

Forgiveness doesn't make my feelings go away. Forgiveness restores my connection with God. I've learned that God is really, really big. He can handle all of my emotions. They aren't too deep. I can feel anything, with any amount of passion, and just dump it on His shoulders. And He takes it. That's the greatest feeling of relief - when He takes it. You know the phrase "I'm going to let you have it"? Well that's literal.

God desires my peace. No matter how much I lie to myself that life is misery, He keeps making ways to deliver His joy. And that same God, who provides things that I don't even ask for, asked me to forgive. When I practice forgiveness, I also accept His forgiveness. And as I accept His forgiveness, I accept His other gifts - like joy. 

There is no right or wrong way to do this. You will tell yourself that you're using the wrong words. You will tell yourself that you shouldn't ask for that, or tell Him that. It's a fight every morning. That voice, that judge in your head, is the flesh. You are killing it. And it doesn't want to die. Tell God about the doubts. Tell Him what that voice says to you. Because He will tell you what He sees. 

Sorry, I went off on a little tangent there. Forgiveness - how to forgive? I use this prayer as a template. I started by reading it. Then saying it from memory. Sometimes God gives me different words. The point? There is no wrong way to pray. God knows what you want to say. He enjoys when you make the effort to say it. Take that one step - say it - and He will come the rest of the way to you. So here's the forgiveness prayer*...

Heavenly Father, I forgive [name]. I forgive [him or her] for: [list everything you can think of that caused the offense and how you suffered as a result of the behvior]. I ask that You forgive [name] as well. Father, I ask that I would lose sight of the offense, and if I am ever reminded of it, that I will dismiss that memory as an old, resolved conflict. Father I ask for the strength to simply forget the incident and move on with rebuilding that relationship as You lead me to do so. Father, please show me how to love [name] the way You do. Father, show me how to turn my offense into concern for [name]'s well-being. Father, I am moved to forgive [him or her] because I desire to be obedient to You and desire for You to be glorified. Father, I ask that you would forgive me for not forgiving them in the past. Father, I confess that I will need Your help to live out this forgiveness and I ask You to give me the strength to live true to this forgiveness. Father, please bless [name]'s life in every way and heal [name] of any emotional or physical wounds that cause [name] suffering. I pray this in the name of Jesus, Amen.

I find understanding who or what to forgive very difficult. It can take 2 or 3 DAYS. If you ever want to talk, I'm always willing to listen.

Start with the morning pages. Start connecting with God. And He will lead you the rest of the way. God loves you because you exist. I love you because God loves you. It's a nice, neat, unbroken chain.

* From Be Transformed: Workbook Edition by John Robin Murphy, page 8.