Promises, promises

I wish I had answers for you - how to forgive, what to do with the anger. I understand how it feels. Maybe that’s why we get along so well. For all our differences, we are a lot alike.

What I do know, what I cling to with nothing but faith, is that God gives peace. One day, when the world has spent itself, when He has found every person He calls His own, He will finish what He started. We live right now with only a promise. The promise that through Christ’s death we are righteous. No shame, no judgement, no more little voice that says “if only”. He will open our eyes. We will see ourselves - and those around us - as He sees us. Washed clean and set apart, on display as the crowning jewels of His achievement. Like a painting that holds a special place in your heart. We hold that place in His.

I was reading a passage in Galatians over lunch. The author tells them “you were set free by Jesus. Don’t put the chains back on.” We no longer live by the law, the expectations that other people impose on us. God offers grace. And His only term is that we love Him. All God asked, all Jesus preached, was believe. And it doesn’t matter who you are, what you do, or have done. Because He makes us new. He makes us as we were always intended to be - in His image. Full of peace, love, and joy.

The Bible describes it as fruit of the Spirit. Fruit grows. Fruit is the natural by product of the tree. The tree’s entire existence hinges on the fruit. The tree doesn’t create the fruit. It doesn’t make the fruit grow. The fruit just does because, well, that’s what it is. Peace, joy, love, those all come because, well, that’s who He is. It can’t be any other way. And as we become like Him, then we become that tree too. We grow that fruit too.

The world is still broken. And in this life, we will never fully realize this hope. The passage in Galatians talked about that too. We have the promise of righteousness. We have the promise of one day bearing that fruit without all of the painful labor it takes now. And for now, in the gap, we have Jesus’ blood. It is the vehicle through which God forgives.

I mentioned before how God let out all of His anger on this one man. The really cool part is what happened next. With the anger gone, God was empty. And the only thing left to fill that void was His love. So when it was all said and done, when He had finished letting Jesus have it with all the power and fury He could muster, God looked down on His Son who endured it all without a single protest and felt a love even bigger than His anger. That anger was intended for every person who ever lived. It covered everything we’ve ever done. And His love is even bigger. Imagine what it will be like when He lets that loose on us!

I don’t have any answers. I don’t know how you forgive someone who hurts you every day, over and over, without any remorse. I don’t know how to forgive something I can’t see. I do know that God loves you. God loves me. And for right now, it’s enough that I believe.

The Golden Rule's Silver Lining

I was thinking about giving and receiving. I read that when you want to connect with someone, you look into their left eye. That's the receiving eye. So as you're talking, you look in their left eye. It made me think about relationships in general, and my relationship with God specifically.

I suck at relationships. No, that's not quite right. It's more like stumbling around in the dark. Somewhere there is a light switch. I just haven't found it yet. The pastor is working his way through the book of Matthew. A couple of weeks ago, he went over the beatitudes. The one that came to mind tonight was "blessed are the merciful because they will receive mercy". The pastor said that is how virtues work - give and receive. 

He was clear that it isn't give to get. We give them freely - love, thanksgiving, happiness, mercy, generosity, integrity - knowing that we receive them back. Maybe not from the same person. That would be give to get. But in the end, when we need them most, God provides. We show mercy knowing that when we need it, mercy will be given to us. We receive.

And that led to the golden rule - do unto others as you would have them do unto you. It's not a command. I believed my whole life this was a command, something to obey, to do. It's not. The golden rule is the same principle, different words. Give unconditional love, forgiveness, mercy, generosity, integrity, joy and you will receive them. Because deep down, those are the things that we want from the people around us. 

Give and receive. Relationships are all about give and receive. One sided relationship simply do not work. Someone always feels unfulfilled. Why? Because that's why God created us. He wanted relationship. The give and take fuel a positive feedback loop. That's a death spiral in reverse. Instead of crashing and burning, it grows and soars. Think about all of the things God gives us: life, food, purpose, salvation, etc. 

But relationships also receive. What does God receive from us? Thanksgiving, gratitude, love, creativity, pleasure. And when He receives those, He wants to give us more. And that drives even greater gratitude, love, etc. It's a cycle that constantly builds on itself. Now imagine that happening every minute of every day for a billion years. Every hour, every day is more than the one before. It's compound interest gone wild!

God told us what He receives all through the Bible. Those aren't commands to be thankful. They aren't commands to obey. Those are statements of fact. When we love Him, when we live in relationship with Him, He will receive those things just because that's the very nature of the relationship. These aren't laws for judgement. They are signposts so that we can see progress!

Sin broke the relationship. Instead of receiving, we take. Instead of giving, we withhold. And it is an unfortunate fact of life that our sin nature is still in us. No matter how hard we try, in this life, we will always break the connection at different points. But God didn't accept that as final. He made a way of restoring what was lost. Redeeming what was broken. And He promises that one day, when it's all said and done, He will finish the transformation. We will be like His Son - always connected. And right now, those things He told us about - thanksgiving, obedience - they mark our ongoing transformation. It is His assurance to us that we are not lost. God wasn't passing judgement, He was giving us hope. Because that is His nature.

Trust

I wanted to talk about trust. Oh no - another letter from Dad. God puts these things on my heart and I want to share them with you. Writing is the way that I know how. God has given each of us our own way of communicating, of reflecting His glory. Some people sing, others play instruments, paint, poetry, make statues. I write. It's my way of saying I love you.

Trust is a precarious and precious thing. I've been thinking a lot about Vania lately - eating hot dogs, sleeping in my room. Vania is searching. She has this emptiness in her heart, a divine need. She feels something missing. We all feel this way. We all come across moments in our lives when we realize that we need something outside of ourselves. And we instinctively look for it from the people around us: friends, parents, siblings.

Eventually, the people around us fail to meet these needs. Even when they give us what we think we want, it doesn't meet the need. And we turn inside of ourselves. We begin to look for our own ways to meet those needs. If I can't trust you to meet my need, then I will find something that I can control.

For me, broken trust is very hard to rebuild. You and I see the world very differently. There are things that we don't understand. Huge blind spots full of pitfalls and obstacles. And we naturally know that we have to trust other people to help us through them. When those people let us down - when I let you down, that trust is broken. And our heart says that we can never trust them again.

You might like this personality test: 16 Personalities. It's kind of fun. And they make the results more understandable than what the typical test giver does reading from an instruction booklet. I came up as the Architect. I suspect that Vania would too.

Vania is searching. She can feel that something is happening. And she doesn't know what. It's something that she can't see. Something beyond her experience. So she instinctively looks for assurance, security, and love. I give her hot dogs to build trust. I let her sleep in my room to build trust. There will come a day soon when I ask Vania to do something very hard for her. And I want her to take strength and courage from her trust in me. Because I am just a poor reflection of God. Right now, Vania may be trusting me, but I am trusting God. And one day I hope to hand off Vania's relationship with me to God. One day she will trust Him too. And my responsibility is teaching her how.

The same goes for you. You were always meant to leave me. You were always meant to become an independent young woman and leave home. And my responsibility was teaching you how to trust God. I made a lot of mistakes. Instead I taught you how to withdraw into yourself. For that, I'm very sorry. I passed on my own weakness. It will take time to restore the trust that was lost. And at the same time, the nature of our relationship is changing. You can't depend on me. You were never meant to. You can depend on God. You were always meant to depend on God.

In the quiet, in the times that you're alone, practice listening. God always speaks with a calm, peaceful voice. No TV, no books, no noise, just listen. He knows what your heart needs and desires. He gave you those desires. And He has the power to make them come true. All He asks of us is to believe. This is my prayer for you. I love you.

My hope

Where do I start? I want to tell you all about Jesus. About how He died on a cross and why. That we're broken people. That we do self-destructive things because it's our nature. The law of entropy - any system left to itself breaks down. And we're in ourselves.

But we're that way only because we turned away from God. You see, nature was never intended to be a closed system. God always meant to infuse Himself into His creation. Every second of every day, He would feed some of Himself into the universe. Almost like electricity powers our homes. Constant regeneration. Because that's God's nature. He loves, with great generosity. He redeems because He loves. He creates. He builds.

We were always meant to reflect God. We are His image in this universe - like our own image in the mirror. So we feel like He feels. God feels joy, sadness, anger. The entire emotional spectrum. What happens when someone hurts us? We get angry. When someone violates the boundaries that we raised? We get angry. God does too. And I know that I violate those boundaries every day in a million different ways. From wanting to scream at my wife, to impatience with my autistic daughter, to just plain old wishing I had more. And many other ways that I don't even know. All the little slights or things I don't do of which I'm never even aware.

Even when our spouse doesn't realize they hurt us, it still makes us angry. Because we're like God. Even though I don't know, He's still feeling anger. Anger has to be spent. It can't be bottled, because that eats us from the inside out. God spends His anger. He has to let it out. Imagine what the God who created everything with mere words can do. The soul crushing anger that He would let loose. We couldn't take it. We would disintegrate - mind, body, and spirit.

The Bible describes it as "the mountains melting like wax". The mountains! I'm not that tough. And God knows all of this. He knows that we can't bear His wrath. He knows that it would completely destroy us to see all that we've done. To know all of the ways that we failed. All of the others that we've hurt. Shoot, knowing our own pain is hard enough.

And God came up with a solution. The only person who could ever endure His anger and survive is Him. So God gave up a part of Himself. That part of Him lived in a physical body, in a mud house. Ate food, drank water and wine, slept, pooped, everything we do. And lived a perfect life. Not a dream, not pampered, a life without ever hurting anyone else. A life that was like the one we were supposed to have. Complete and total obedience. No rebellion, no fear, no hopelessness.

And God let Him die. Hung Him on a cross. And completely let Him have it. God let loose all the anger, all of the wrath, everything He could dish out. The granddaddy of all hissy fits on a cosmic scale. God let go and He threw everything He could dish out at this one person - who stood there and took it. Without ever flinching, without ever protesting. God accused Him of every wrong I've ever done in my life. Of every stray thought, every desire for revenge, every time I failed. God just stuck it on that Guy and blew all of that rage in His face. And that Man took it. That Man said "You're right, I'm guilty of all of those things". God went through every person who ever lived. He called my name, your name, everyone. And when He was done, after all of the anger had come pouring out, all the yelling ended, all of the beating stopped, and His rage was spent, God saw love.

When we let our anger out, it leaves us empty. Spent is the word I think of. Drained. A vacuum never stays empty. Something else comes in to fill it. Since God is love, He only had love to fill that space.

And He saw Himself, that part of Him that did nothing and still took it. He felt pride. The kind of pride you feel when your kid does something amazing. That deep feeling of love and you just want to give them everything. This is what God sees when He looks at me. He sees Jesus, His Son, that Man, with eyes of love and pride. And every time He looks at me, all He can remember is how much His Son means to Him.

This is my hope. This is the only thing that I have left. Through all of this divorce, through all of the doubt, all of the times I wonder if it's me, am I doing the right thing? I remember, I know, I believe, that He sees Jesus - not my sin, not my brokenness, not the hardness of my heart that contributed to a broken marriage. He sees the Christ. He sees the anger already spent. And I survived - Jesus survived. All He knows for me is love.

This world has so many problems. But one day He promised a new world. A world where He gives me my name - the name He created me to have. All because one Man took it for me. This is my faith. This is the God who waits for me. This is the God who waits for you.

Wait, weight, and wait

I'd like to tell you my story - about how I ate as a way of covering up unease. I went from 190+ pounds down to 140 over 18 months. I hope to tell you why.

We all live with a level of discomfort, unease. It's a longing for something we can't see or put into words. A need so deep that we will do anything and everything to find fulfillment. We spend our entire lives pursuing the peace that comes from filling that need. Alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, TV, web sites, you name it. We use all of these things and more in a vain attempt to find something that meets this need.

God created us for relationship with Him. The longing you feel, I feel, is for a connection with Him. God gave us all of those things - alcohol, TV, candy, friends, etc. - to bring enjoyment. Enjoyment, but not joy. Joy comes through our spirit, our heart, from God. When we connect with Him, we are at peace. When He leads us, all of the other stuff follows naturally.

What do I mean? The formula for losing weight is simple - eat less, do more. Consume fewer calories while burning more of them. Your body will convert fat into calories. It literally burns off the weight. The hard part of losing weight wasn't knowing how. The hard part (for me) was actually doing it.

So what changed? I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. Like every other change in my life, the moment comes when I stop taking control. I stopped fixing the discomfort, stopped trying to cover over the longing, and gave it over to God. I yelled, pleaded, begged, and screamed. He let me be angry and sad. Through it all, He was faithful. He is still faithful.

That moment came in an OCD fit. Medication, overeating, and stress brought on the desire for strength and power so strong that I could not control it. And I just grabbed onto something, a phrase, where I had to be right. It had to be exactly my way or nothing at all. I remember stepping back outside myself at the time, thinking how dumb it all was. But I couldn't stop. It's like when Vania goes nuts - because I have to.

An amazing thing happened, though. The person on the receiving end forgave me. Not with a fight. Not after making me feel bad. I felt plenty bad on my own. I had hurt a friend, probably one of the closest friends I had. But willingly, before I even asked. And I felt such gratitude that I chose to change. This is the forgiveness that God offers. It took another person for me to see what He always provided.

God changed me. All I had to do was allow Him. So what does that have to do with losing weight? Because it was easier to eat less when I trusted Him. When I listened, when I connected with Him, He filled that longing. Not completely. But enough. And all of a sudden I didn't want to scarf down a pizza in a fit of depression. The temptation is still there. But it lost its power. It's weak. Weaker than the Spirit that says wait.

It was hard, what God asked me to do. This is no cake walk. But once I listened, once I submitted myself to His will, God led me into behaviors that resulted in losing weight. Because I asked. I asked Him to fix the mess I had made of myself. And He answered.

Now this is the part that you probably expected - what did I actually do...

• Track calories
• Replaced carbs with proteins
• Walking for 30 minutes a day

It wasn't all at once. Those 3 bullet points happened over 6 months. They came about in gradual steps. For example, I had to replace bread and candy in order to stay in my calorie limit. Lunchables were great. Then Slim Jims and tuna fish. Slowly, steadily, God would open my eyes with a new idea. Pickles, pretzels, popcorn. Over the course of a year my diet changed. One step at a time.

I learned that it was okay to eat a little more once in a while. I learned that I didn't have to keep a calendar of my walking. I learned that God can provide lunch every day, day after day, of just what I needed. And most of all, I learned that He could tell me when to stop. I followed no plan. I had no set date in mind. Even the weight I wanted isn't the weight I'm at. But I am where God wants me to be.

The longing never goes away, not in this life or in this world. At the end of Revelations, we learn that God creates a new earth. The apostle John says He will wipe away all of their tears. And He sends out His Son, who hands each and every person a little white stone. On the stone is written your name. The name that God knows you by. The name that explains who you are, who He always saw you to be. In that moment, in that one second, God finishes the work that He began in us. That is when the longing is filled. He restores the connection. And this all becomes just another memory.

If you love me

I was walking the other morning and realized something. Well, truth be told, I didn't realize it. God pointed out something that was there all along. The verse John 14:15 (AMP) says...

"If you [really] love Me, you will keep and obey My commandments."

This is Jesus talking with His disciples. This verse always meant to me that I was to obey. Obey, obey, obey. It came out in all kinds of sermons on obedience - usually tied with the verse that says "by their fruit you will know them". What I learned that morning was that I had it all backwards. Those sermons were just plain wrong. Jesus isn't commanding us to obey Him. Completely the opposite, He's saying that obedience will come on its own. I don't have to be afraid that I'm not perfect.

Here is the rest of that passage, John 14:8-15...

Philip said to him, "Lord, show us the Father and then we shall be satisfied." 

Jesus said to him, "Have I been with you for so long a time, and you do not know Me yet, Philip, nor recognize clearly who I am? Anyone who has seen Me has seen the Father. How can you say 'Show us the Father'? Do you not believe that I am in the Father, and the Father is in Me? The words I say to You I do not say on my own initiative or authority, but the Father, abiding continually in Me, does His work [His attesting miracles and acts or power]. Believe Me that I am in the Father and the Father is in Me; otherwise believe [Me] because of the very works themselves [which you have witnessed]. I assure you and most solemnly say to you, anyone who believes in Me [as Savior] will also do the things that I do; and He will do even greater things than these [in extent and outreach], because I am going to the Father. And I will do whatever you ask is My name [as My representative], this I will do, so that the Father may be glorified and celebrated in the Son. If you ask Me anything in my name [as My representative], I will do it. If you [really] love Me, you will keep and obey my commandments."

The rules don't matter. God desires a relationship, a deep and abiding connection with you and me. The relationship comes first. Obedience follows of its own accord.

 A funny thing happens when you enter into a relationship with someone - they change you. Every time you connect, you change. You become a little more like them. When I, or you, connect with God, we become a little more like Him. And like Jesus, we will do the things that God would do simply because that is who we are.

I find this very freeing.

A Walk in the Park

I was reading Matthew 6 today. That's the chapter with the Lord's Prayer. And I noticed something new. Jesus is teaching in this passage. It almost seems like He's jumping from topic to topic. You know, randomly dispensing wisdom in little tidbits. 

But the order wasn't random. Jesus was walking them through a progression. This isn't just a set of teachings to follow. It's a plan. God never expected us to do all of these things at once. He asks us to start at the beginning and walk this path, one step at a time.

I won't repeat Matthew 6. You know how to look it up. Here's the progression I saw this morning...

1. Do good deeds in private.
2. Pray in private.
3. Forgive others and accept forgiveness.
4. Fasting.
5. Store treasures in heaven.
6. Don't worry about tomorrow.

More generally, I thought it went like so...

1. Do something - or decide to do something.
2. Pray, because what I did just didn't quite cut it.
3. Forgive, because this connects me with God and I accept forgiveness.
4. Fasting - self control - God will ask me to do something hard.
5. Doing it helps me appreciate something He wanted me to learn.
6. And peace comes from having my value come from God.

I saw myself walking this path over the last year...

1. I decided to do something about always feeling angry. And did some small things.
2. I cried out to God in the car or wherever.
3. He used a counselor to teach me how to forgive.
4. Then it became easier to eat less (in this case, fasting was literal).
5. And He taught me about dreams and creativity and what they mean to Him.
6. And I can find peace (patience, safety) in Him.

Talking about it, I see this process happening over and over. Each time God opens up a new area, it kind of follows this progression.

So why am I telling you? I saw a great quote, and I can't remember who said it.

Words never last. Words stay the same. What words say changes.

 You can read the same words 3 years later and discover something new. The words themselves didn't change. We did. So here are some words.