Walk by the Lake

I wanted to say thank you for going out of your way to acknowledge my feelings. Something happened that made it stand out. I'm grateful to my friend for her thoughtfulness and compassion.

Two days ago. I made Vania go on a walk with me down by the lake. I like walks. The lake walk has few people. It's very pleasant. Well, until Vania demanded to go home just a few minutes into the walk. Frankly, it hurt my feelings. And I told her so.

Today, Vania comes out to the living room, turns on Youtube, grabs a blanket, lays her head in my lap, and falls asleep. No I'm sorry. For two whole days, there's not one word acknowledging my feelings. I recognize this behavior. Renee did it. Deanna and Lucy did it. The entitlement is followed closely by bitterness and depersonalization. I don't think Vania has any understanding of what happened.

Repentance is a necessary ingredient of forgiveness. Repentance says I hurt you, I know that I hurt you, and I chose to put you above me. Without repentance, forgiveness is merely getting away with what's been done. Sadly, this seems to be exactly what most people want - get away with it. It's the addicts way of thinking. We are merely an object to be used for their own ends.

Thank you for the love you show. It means a great deal.

Feelings don't measure right and wrong

 I have to get this off my chest. You live your lives as if your feelings define right and wrong. That is a very dangerous lie. I wish you could see it the way that I do. Anyway, I'm trying to say...

• Why I think you believe this
• Feelings do not measure right and wrong
• Your feelings do not measure right and wrong

Why I think you believe this

My natural communication style is to listen, test, and adapt. I'm fairly quiet around new people. And I try to listen. I learn how they communicate, what they think is important. Then I test and use their reactions to guide how I communicate with them. It works well with professors and teachers.

I feel like the few conversations we've had happened in a vacuum. There was no engagement. No communication. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with that.

When I ask for more information, I simply hear your claims re-iterated. No evidence. No facts. Simply your statement of what you want the truth to be. I hear that I'm wrong. I only hear feeling statements. Feeling statements said as if they are a substitute for facts.

The dictionary defines gossip as casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people, typically involving details that are not confirmed as being true. How many friends have you talked to? How many times did you talk to your mom and not me? With each other? How did you confirm what's true? By asking people who weren't there? By complaining to people who are not involved and can't do anything?

The human brain naturally links memories with emotions. We are supposed to remember similar situations when we feel a certain way. It is also possible to trick this mechanism by repeating a false narrative in relation to the feelings. That narrative becomes true or right. It comes back when the feelings return.

In this way, shame becomes an excuse for revenge rather than a call to fix a problem. When the next person triggers shame, the false narrative takes over, reinforcing itself. Gossip builds that reinforcement. Feelings take over, facts are ignored. And you sincerely believe. Mistaking sincerity for truth.

Feelings do not measure right and wrong

Let's for a moment accept that feelings define right and wrong. I'll also concede, for the sake of argument, that making you feel bad is wrong. That also means making me feel bad is wrong. Correct?
The argument there is that I deserve it. I hurt you first. You were responding to me hurting you. So what about all of the times, as a baby, that you cried because you didn't get your way? That hurt me. Am I not right to get revenge also?

That's the problem with revenge as justification. How far back do you go? And there is always a way to go back. This is the central issue with feelings as moral judgement. Your feelings are under your control, not mine. Using feelings as right and wrong makes me responsible for them. That's simply not true.

You are not responsible for my feelings. When I deal with depression, it's not your fault. When I get mad, it's not your fault. You may have precipitated it with an action. You may be responsible for the consequences (aka Dad's mad at me). But you are not morally culpable for my anger.

Likewise, I am not morally culpable for your feelings - shame, guilt, anger, etc.. We are morally culpable for our actions. Actions based on negative feelings are very often wrong. Feelings may explain an action. Feelings cannot excuse an action.

That difference is very important. Feelings are a part of who you are and how you perceive the universe. They do not excuse what you do. Right and wrong exist outside of feelings. Where?

Your feelings do not measure right and wrong

The last part I want to address is the mistaken belief that only your feelings matter. Saying feelings measure right and wrong is ridiculous, as shown above. Everyone has their own feelings and they can be radically different. No, in order to justify behavior, one must believe that only their own feelings matter.

That's called selfishness. One places themselves at the center of the universe as judge over right and wrong. It's arrogance.

That's the lie at the center of all these things. Nothing I say or do will matter as long as this lie persists. I understand the anger. I am intentionally chipping away at this core tenant. This central belief that you so desperately want to hide. Everyone knows that it's wrong - in someone else.

When the Bible talks about repentance, it means turning away from this lie into the truth that God defines right and wrong. These awful feelings that come with destroying the lie are a beginning, not an end. It feels like death. It is, metaphorically, death. Death to be reborn into life. Life with new feelings. Life based on truth. Let's talk about that. How do we do that?

Quarrels and Gratitude

My pastor posted this article on Facebook. I won't lie, Vania. All I could think about was your mom. 

https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/am-i-the-quarrelsome-wife?fbclid=IwAR3puek99whg1fXKh35T2d_1JvGG_J37h_Rk55ZyXbth3UvKbk7qmuWcbVk

Like most other things, I also saw a connection to something else, ironically, from Sunday's sermon by the same pastor. He's preaching through Acts and the start of the early church. He made a point of how they shared a meal.

In Thou Shalt Prosper, Rabbi Danial Lappin explains that human beings are physical and spiritual beings. As opposed to animals, who are purely physical beings. When humans put a ritual around something natural, it brings a spiritual significance to an otherwise physical act. Human beings cook, add spices, sit at a table, and share meals. Animals eat. We spiritualize eating by adding ritual.

What's the connection? A quarrelsome wife quenched her spirit. She devolves a home into merely a house.

Behavior

The article talks about unfilled desire as a cause of quarrels. To fulfil her desires, the quarrelsome wife uses the same negative behaviors as an addict. She rationalizes her behavior, just like an addict. If they target just does what I want, then they won't get hurt. It's their fault, not mine. The quarrelsome wife is abusive and bullying.

And it doesn't take yelling to be quarrelsome. Passive aggressive anger is just as destructive as outright yelling. In many ways, it is more insidious. The key is that a quarrelsome knows that she is quarrelsome. She has, at some point, made the decision to get what she wants. She knows that it's wrong. And doesn't care. The spirit, right and wrong, has been quenched.

Whatever it was this woman desired doesn't matter any more. It is more important that she take what she wants. Receiving her desire is no longer enough. She wants what she wants on her terms, and her terms alone. The thought of being cut off frightens her so much, that she will do or say anything.

Conclusion

I disagree with the article's conclusion. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, why not just call it a duck? Addiction, real addiction, takes an enormous amount of effort to overcome. The quarrelsome wife has a lot of painful, hard work ahead of her. Yes, that certainly includes more gratitude.

Vania, I write this not because I think that you are quarrelsome. I write it so that you will recognize quarrelsome people when you see them. So that you understand the importance of choosing God in even the smallest things in your life. And why He asks us to live in gratitude.

Ready, willing, and able

I saw this quote recently on Facebook. 

“Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent.
Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?”

― Epicurus

Like everything, I over thought this one and came up with 3 things to say, because I can't pick just one. 

1. The first thought was at what cost? What are the consequences of making evil just disappear?
2. Then I realized that God HAS solved the problem of evil. IS solving the problem of evil. We're just not experiencing the full effects of it yet.
3. And finally I see that the questions themselves have an unspoken, underlying assumption - God should just snap His fingers and make evil disappear.

Things in common

In order to address Epicurus' questions, I considered the nature of evil. Evil is like darkness. Darkness is not a thing. Light is a thing. Darkness is our word for the absence of light. Evil is not a thing. Righteousness is a thing. Evil is the absence of righteousness. God doesn't prevent evil. God fills us with righteousness.

Evil comes from our will, our desire. We drive out God so that we can sit in His place. Like a shadow, we block light, making darkness. We block His righteousness, making evil. To "make evil disappear" means taking away our will. We are no longer us, like computers or machines that blindly follow what someone else builds them to do. Not by choice, but simply by nature. A very heavy price, indeed.

A different way

Instead, God made a way to re-enter our lives, to bring back the light. More importantly, His way only costs Him, not us. We remain who we are. We accept Him in His place. And the shadows disappear. Evil goes away because there is only righteousness.

No, that does not describe today. Darkness still exists today. Sometimes it seems like the shadows are deeper than the light is bright. He laid the groundwork, let everyone know what He's done, and our hope is that this time is coming.

Oh, snap!

The entire basis of Epicurus' questions was that God should act in the way we want, in the time we want. I don't want that. My perspective is much too limited. I can barely handle the small amount of reality that I perceive every day. Being responsible for all of time, over all of space, is unthinkable.

From my mortal viewpoint, limited to maybe 70 or 80 years, in this little dust ball in a cosmos so big we can't measure it yet, it sure looks like God takes His sweet time curing evil.

From His viewpoint, where the next TRILLION years is less than one second of one minute in one day of my life, He is snapping His fingers. This is all moving very fast. And the brief time that evil existed will be nothing more than a single digit of Pi plucked from the middle of this unrepeating, never ending decimal. Long forgotten and crowded out by the sheer volume of forever.

Willing. Able. And did it. Because He is God.

Fallen Trees

 Vania,

Remember we talked about the tree that fell down in the wind? How the roots spread out but not down? When the wind blew, there wasn't anything to hold the tree in the ground. So it fell over and died.

Relationships with people are like that, Vania. They need depth in order to stand. Do you also remember telling me you wanted a nap to get out of a bath? How that wasn't true - it was a lie? Lies are trees that grow tall, sprout leaves, and have no roots. Lies have no depth. When the wind comes, the relationship falls over and dies.

Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised. Reward her for all she has done. Let her deeds publicly declare her praise. -- Proverbs 31:30-31

Vania, the best way to have a relationship with anyone is to have a strong relationship with Jesus. He is your root, your anchor. Those "deeds" the verse talks about? Those are the leaves of the tree. A tree rooted in Jesus stands no matter the wind. His root goes deep and spreads far. Don't worry about the leaves. They'll grow from the root.

Before you were born, there was a single rose bloom that kept sprouting up in our yard. I would mow it over week after week. It just kept coming back. Finally, I dug it up. This single stalk flower had a good 12 inch root that was huge. That's why the flower wouldn't die. I replanted that root and the rose continued to thrive.

When we focus on obeying Jesus, listening to His voice, He becomes our root. Jesus doesn't expect us to always know what's right. He expects us to listen. He'll tell us. We trust Him. He trusts us. And your relationship grows, like a huge tree. Rooted to the earth so deeply that the wind can't blow it over.

If you are faithful in little things, you will be faithful in large ones. But if you are dishonest in little things, you won't be honest with greater responsibilities. -- Luke 16:10

Trust always begins in the little things. Doing your chores without being asked. Reminding me that you need a bath. Each truth you tell to yourself builds your strength. One day, you will need that strength. One day, you will have to tell the truth when it isn't little, when it's hard. That moment is like the wind. I want your roots to be strong, deep.

I love you so much, Vania. Jesus loves you even more. I hope you always talk to Him. Thank Him when you're happy. Cry when you're angry.

Individual Spirituality

 As often happens in my brain, a couple of things collided, forming a new thought. Well, new to me. I guess that what counts.

The first was a blog post from a college friend entitled Ocean of Prayer. I spend a lot of time in my own head. It never occurred to me that people might need structure to do that. The uniqueness even among people with so much in common astounds me. It comes as no surprise then that we all follow the same Christ in so many different ways. Of course there are different denominations. There are different people. All with different skills, needs, and preferences.

The second came from a book series I re-visited - the Foundation series by Isaac Asimov. I just finished the fourth book which brought in a planet called Gaia. As I understand it, the term gaia refers to a universal consciousness. And in the book, this planet is "one" with its inhabitants, plants, rocks, etc.. The idea of individual becomes lost.

It has opened my eyes to the importance of the individual in the Bible. Of course you have the famous parable about the 1 lost sheep. Shepherd takes his flock back to the pen for the night. He counts them going in. He left with 100, only 99 made it back. Shepherd goes chasing after the 1 lost sheep. 

The shepherd doesn't abandon 99. He makes sure that those 99 are safe and sound first. Then he goes after the 1. It's not that 1 was more important. It's that all 100 were important - as individuals. It could have been any one of those sheep. And at different times, it probably was. It may be a convenient short cut to refer to them as flock. But that shepherd knew them as individuals. He cared for them as individuals.

Going back to the balance among motivations - wisdom, power, wealth, and esteem of others. We have a spiritual need to reshape things in our image. Our homes reflect our personality. Do you paint? Each work reflects something about you. These ramblings that I spew onto the Internet, they reflect something about me. The more I reflect God's image, the more these things take His shape also. And yet, it's never just Him. There is something unique in how I reflect God.

That's individuality. I propose that was God's intention all along. That we, as unique individuals, grow more like Him, but not the same as Him. We hold much in common, but in different ways. The Bible, the gospel grows individuals. 

Why is that so important?

Going Sideways

This past Sunday, we started a series on church polity. Fancy word for how churches may organize themselves structurally. This specific church calls itself elder led. The teacher explained it as both the elders (leadership) and congregation having authority. It's authority over different things.

In my head, this turned the organizational chart on its side.

        /-- Elders
Jesus -<
        \-- Congregation

Now I'm going to switch from saying authority to using the word responsibility. At their heart, these are the same thing. Responsibility is assigned sideways, not down (or up). Jesus said that all power in heaven and earth has been granted to Him. He shares it, sideways, with His joint heirs.

It occurs to me, that if God views His relationship with us that way, does He view other relationships the same way - sideways? We look at so many things as a hierarchy - nature (food chain), businesses, government, marriage, children. Someone is in charge. Someone is at the top. It's our natural point of view.

But what do these relationships look like on their side? Did God create animals and nature with a responsibility? A responsibility different from human beings? God's first instruction to Adam and Eve was to subdue nature. Not control nature, subdue it. Their charge was to direct nature as it carried out its responsibilities. Adam and Even did not give nature responsibility. They directed its actions as nature fulfilled its responsibilities.

How does that look in a family? Years ago, a professional producer gave a one day workshop for my church's worship team. He explained the different roles of the different band parts as a cake. The bass line was the cake. It created a structure. The melody was icing that went around the structure. Fast forward many years, and my friend says that she thinks of spirits as waveforms. This discussion of sideways relationships combines these two concepts.

God created the base wave form. Our obedience, or submission, allows us to add our own distinctive form on top of His base. God set the tone. We play off that. Couldn't this also apply to our own interpersonal relationships? When we submit, we allow the other person to set the tone. We play off of them. Obedience is not about control. It's about direction. Obedience isn't vertical. It's sideways.