Starving

 I read a couple of things and would like to share them. Have you ever read something, and someone's name just pops into your head? I never really know why. So I chalk it up to God's leading. The gentle nudges He gives to let me be a part of His work.

The first one came from Proverbs 27. The chapter talks about interpersonal relationships. And a few verses in, the author drops this - A person who is full refuses honey, but even bitter food tastes sweet to the hungry. Why can we complain about someone and yet keep going right back to them? This is why - we're hungry. And even a bitter relationship tastes sweet.

I was wondering how this tied in with what I read today - Matthew chapter 6. A light bulb just went off while writing this. The theme of Jesus' talk is look at God. Long for things from heaven - long term spiritual health. Let the temporal things take care of themselves. No, that's not quite right. Rather let God take care of the temporal things.

Several times, Jesus says they have received their reward. He's talking about people who do things to impress other people. Jesus tells those listening that they should do impressive things in secret. He's not saying hide away. He's saying that our motivation is God's praise, not the recipients or people watching.

This is hard. I struggle all the time. It feels good when people tell you that you're doing a good job. And those emotions love to just run wild. I have to make a conscious effort to bring myself back to God's way. It's ironic, because God will ask other people to praise and encourage us. That's part of the mechanism that He uses. The hard part for me is letting initiate it, not me.

Okay, back to the tie-in. When our value comes from other people, eventually we starve for more. And to a hungry person, even bitter, rotten relationships taste sweet - as long as I get what I want. And there's the rub. When my value comes from God, an eternal, never sleeping, never failing God, then I'm always full. I have the luxury of picking my relationships. I choose, rather than being driven.

There are a lot of different directions to go with this. I've already deleted 3 paragraphs. I think this is a good place to stop. So what do you think about all this? 

COVID Vaccine

 Followed a link on Facebook to the OpenVAERS site for COVID data. The math nerd in me started crunching some numbers.

That site shows 11,249 reports of adverse effects. 501 deaths. Assuming the site is limited to the United States, I found another site estimating the vaccination progress. It estimates 39,000,000 vaccines given in the United States. Divide 11,249 by 39,000,000 and you get a 0.029% rate of adverse effects. 501 deaths divided by 39,000,000 gives us a death rate of 0.001%.

Likewise, this Google search reported 27,000,000 cases of COVID in the United States with 463,000 deaths. Divide 463,000 by 27,000,000 and you calculate a 1.71% death rate for the virus. 

Personal Story

Since this is my blog, I'm going to share my experience. I have received both doses of the vaccine. And I reacted to both, the day after. I felt achy, run down, and flushed. Both times, all symptoms disappeared after one day.

From what I read, these symptoms are far milder than actually catching COVID. In my life, with my health and body, I consider this a worthwhile trade.

Haircut

 As I cut my hair today, I was thinking about the difference between men and women. Well, more precisely, my preferences about hair. I cut my hair short. Why? I like it that way. It gets greasy, thick, and when it gets long, I get distracted by the part. Since it's just me, I cut it the way I like. Vania seems to like rubbing my head when my hair is short too.

When my girls were little, I wanted them to have long hair. This is what caught my interest - I find women's long hair attractive, and my own long hair annoying. The difference is interesting, to me anyway.

Growing up, my school had policies around length of hair. Boys couldn't be too long nor girls too short. Yes, this probably influenced my preferences. Well, at least my preferences about my hair. Being a very habitual person (or obsessive, but let's not split hairs), I got trained by repetition to feel comfortable with short hair.

Finding long hair attractive is entirely a personal preference. My mother sported both styles, at different periods in her life. My grandmother had shorter hair, which she liked to keep in a perm. I say that because it doesn't seem to be related to women that I knew growing up. Like having a favorite color, I just like it. There is no reason.

What happened when they asked to get their hair cut? Believe it or not, I thought about that a lot, even before they asked. I took this stance - I told them that I prefer long hair. I would like them to have long hair. But I intentionally did not come right out and say no. Why? Because I wanted them to make their own decisions.

Sure, when they were young, we never gave them the option. As they got older and became teenagers, they had to start making their own decisions. And we won't talk the one daughter who had a knot so big they had to cut her hair just to get it out. Totally different.

This reminded me of a passage in John where Jesus says, kind of in passing, that His Father gave Jesus control over His life. It was Jesus's decision to give it away or keep it. God did not force Jesus to die on a cross. God did not command it. God gave Jesus not only the option, but also the power to not die. Yet Jesus acted as if this were a matter of obedience.

God explained His story. Asked His Son to play a part in that story. And Jesus saw this as obedience. Far too often we equate obedience with authority and control. Jesus had control the entire time. He obeyed because He wanted to. This is maturity. We don't obey God because He's some old man in the sky who's going to hurt me at the slightest mis-step. I obey God because He has repeatedly demonstrated that despite my rebellious nature, He does everything He can for my good. Or put in simple terms - He loves me.

There's a bunch of other stuff bouncing around. I think I'll end here though. This is weird enough just from a haircut.

Ask

Lucy,

I've been reading a book about prayer. Some of the men at church recommended it. I honestly expected a more detached approach. I have been pleasantly surprised. Not just with the author's writing style, but also with the things that I learn.

The chapter today can be summed up in one word - ask. When Vania was young, I made a conscious decision to give her what she asked for if there wasn't a reason for saying no. This was before she could speak. I watched her get so frustrated trying to communicate. Her physical limitations held her back. It occured to me that she could very easily fall into feeling helpless.

I wanted Vania to experience a feeling of power over her world. I wanted her to learn hope. I taught her to ask.

I use the word ask loosely in this context. For a while, ask meant point and grunt. Even now, ask can be more of a statement than a question. The form of asking isn't important. The heart of asking is.

Lucy, don't you deserve the same power over your world? Why didn't you ask? I don't mean that as an accusation. I mean it as a legitimate question, what stopped you from asking?

I would guess that it boils down to shame and control. Our brains (mine included) love excuses. God would never give me that. I'm just being selfish. Or I deserve... Asking takes humility. The very act of iasking acknowledges that someone has something we need and the power to withhold it. We fear power because we don't trust. 

Ironically, trust also takes humility. I know they can hurt me. I am trusting they won't. Our experience in this world tells me to expect to get hurt. That's why God is so big on forgiveness. He acknowledges that pain is real, and also acknowledges it isn't supposed to be this way. There is more than this world. He is more than this world.

Do you remember in Spring Hill, the lid on my box of tools was left open to the rain? Several of them rusted from the water. I remember it because it was one of the very few times I punished you. The rarity of it is a good thing. The punishment was cleaning the rust off those tools. I suspect that you internalized the embarrassment that you felt. I do the same thing. 

What happened to our relationship after that? When shame stays inside, it rots. When it rots, it becomes bitterness. Bitterness eats its host, like a virus. This is a tiny example of our relationship with God.

Coming to Him exposes our shame. And coming to Him also wipes our shame away - after we face it. God even helps me through that. Start to finish, it is all His work. I just have to get out of His way. Somehow, even that is hard. 

When Uncle Scott and I would fight, Grandmom always said "what would our family be like if your dad and I treated each other that way?" It never stopped Uncle Scott and I. We still fought. But that satyed with me. It's how I learned to look at relationships. 

Ask yourself honestly, why do you want to fight? I know the excuses. They're not the truth. Lucy, I can only speak to my own heart. I can tell you about my struggles and what I think, if you ask. You have to find your own. No one knows you better than the God who loved you enough to bring you into a universe that He created for you. 

I don't understand how God manages a crowd of humanity and still involves Himself in my everyday life. Out of a crowd of millions or billions, He still knows me. Better than I know me. And while He has this big huge plan for all of eternity, He is still in each moment just with me alone. And you, and Grandmom, and Pop-pop, etc.. 

Wives and Husbands

Tyler did an excellent job Sunday in part 1 of a 2 part sermon over 1 Peter 3. Yes, this is the passage that starts out wives, obey your husbands. He started out with the observation that there is a spectrum of how pastors apprach this passage. The one extreme, which seems to be most dominant, is to qualify the passage to death. These sermons spend an nordinate amount of time saying what Peter didn't mean and very little time on what he did. Tyler intentinally tried to move more towards the middle.

I'm not so patient. I'm just going to jump right to the other side and say, without any qualification, that if you are a wife you have a responsibility to obey your husband. This passage immediately follows Peter's call for servants to obey their masters. Or in more modern terms, employees obey your boss. And it precedes the call for children to obey your parents. I think that God views all 3 of these relationships the same way, in terms of day to day operation.

I'm a huge fan of Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace. When it comes to personal finance, Dave says to lok at yourself as You, Inc.. You are a business. And in making financial decisions, act and think like a business. Businesses turn a profit from which they can expand, reward hard work, and be charitable. Dave also says that the only ship that doesn't sail is a partnerSHIP. That is true in all of our human relationships, even marriage.

There are never two equals. One will always dominates the other. That is the nature of free will. If we all agreed then there really is no choice. In a friendship, you will bth move in and out of the dominate role. If one person feels unequal, then they simply avoid the relationship.

That is much more difficult in a business. Nothing would ever get done if employees quit over every disagreement. In an effort to maintain the relatinship, both parties agree on the dominate and submissive role. I obey my boss.  Now, through God's providence, I work for someone who elects to accept my input. And I constantly remind myself that she is not obligated to do that. It is a reflection of her character (a good reflection, in my opinion).

Peter sets the same thing up in marriage. Like a business, one person has been assigned the dominate role. I cannot say this strongly enough - marriage is not a partnership of equals. It is a boss/employee, or servant/master relationship. And I am not going to qualify it at all. No if's, and's, or but's. The passage is very, very clear.

Peter understood the objections, especially regarding abusive relationships. He addresses it right there - obey anyway and let God use your example. Does this mean a wife should never leave an abusive husband? No. It means that as a wife, you need a strong, deep relationship with your Heavenly Father. And if He tells you to leave, then don't hesitate. But just like a boss r husband, the choice is His to make, not yours.

And this is where I think we go so wrong. God has always been about building relationships. Like children, He starts us with a few simple rules and principles. Then expands on them as the relationship blossoms. The default, the start, is that wives surrender their right to make these choices. They vow obedience, meaning that the final decision rests with their husband.

If you are a wife (or ex-wife) looking for an excuse, throwing out objections and what if, I am saying that you are approaching it all wrong. You are looking for a way to do what is wrong. Instead, you should be looking for more ways of doing what is right. Stop searching for the boundaries of obedience. Start looking for the deep inner field far away from the scraggly edges that is full of soft grass and bubbling brooks. If you go looking for the edge of the cliff, you'll just fall over.

Does this offend you? It should. You should feel this deep inside. Because that is our fallen nature, the one that rebels against God's authority in all of its forms. You are entirely correct that your husband, no matter how well intentioned, at some point will abuse this for a selfish end. And as a husband, I accept that you will, at sme point, disbey for equally selfish reasons. Now we have a conversation about forgiveness. But these facts do not, in any way, change God's authority structure. Marriage, like every ther business on the planet, will never work without obedience.

I want to end with the example that comes to my mind - my grandparents. My grandmother was Italian. Full bloded Italian. She told her father that she could never marry an Italian man because there was only ne head of the house. My brother and I could hear my grandparentds arguing. Even if we were there, my grandmother did not back down from giving my grandfather her opinion. My paresnts once jked they could start a reality TV show - MeeMaw and PeePaw. 

I remember sitting in their downstairs, watching TV, hearing them argue through the thin walls of my grandfather's study. He had donated money to some conservative cause. And my grandmother didn't agree with it. They yell back and forth. And when they were done, she comes out, winks at us, then went upstairs and cooked dinner. I realized something that time, that my grandmother went into that argument aknowing she was going to do whatever my grandfather decided. She said her piece, believe me. And she left the decision in his hands. She went upstairs and did the most loving thing she could - made dinner.

I know that my grandparents had some very rough times, long before I was born. I don't pretend it was easy for my grandmother or grandfather. I do know that they both spent time every day reading God's Word and praying. And instead of arguing over who was in control, they argued over facts and opinions. Leaving God always in control. My grandfather was a wonderfully generous man. My grandmother's submission allowed God to direct his generosity. Whereas her control would have killed it. God works when our hearts line up with His. Blind obedience makes no sense. Then again, neither does one righteous man dying for the sins of the world. Somehow, God makes it work.

Forgiveness

Renee wanted to talk to Vania on the phone last night. Vania was at Deanna's apartment. So I e-mailed Renee that Vania wasn't available. Her reply: thanks for letting me know. And here's the really weird part - it made me angry. 

I'm trapped in Renee's pattern again. Renee did something hurtful. She is in the wrong. Then she pretends that nothing happened. Renee purposefully acts as if it's all my fault because I was hurt. She feels entitled to get away with what she did. That's our relationship. 

This is not what Jesus meant when He asked us to forgive. This is enablement. Renee wants to continue in her sin. It is a means of deflecting responsibility for what's been done. It is avoidance, not righteousness. It is a lie.

Renee did not decide to be polite on her own. Well, maybe, but given what I know about her, there is someone else in the background telling her this is a good idea. This person listened to Renee's lies, accepted them as their own, and acted on that belief. They put their faith in Renee. They judged me, based on a lie, without any regard for the truth. That bothers me. Okay, way too light. That makes me angry.

Judge Not

Almost everyone has heard where Jesus said "judge not lest ye be judged" (KJV). It comes from the passage where He talks about trying to take out a speck of dust from someone else while there's a log in your eye. Our pastor described it as a large beam stuck in your head, smacking everyone as you keep turning around. I picture the Three Stooges swinging a ladder around.

Jesus wasn't telling us to stop judging. He told us the right way to reach a judgement. Look inside first. Is this really something God wants said? Am I satisfying my own need to feel superior? Jesus says connect with our Heavenly Father first. That doesn't always mean I'm right. It does mean that either way, I learn something about Him, about me, and His relationship with me. Yes, sometimes God lets me get it wrong so that I learn what He already knew.

Jesus told a famous parable about forgiveness. A guy owes his boss $500,000. He doesn't have the money and begs the boss for more time. The boss forgives the entire $500,000 debt outright. The man leaves and runs into a buddy who owes him $100. The buddy doesn't have the money yet and asks to wait until payday. The man gets furious and starts berating the guy. The boss gets wind of the incident. He calls the guy back in and tells him to pay the full $500,000. The point being, extend forgiveness because we're forgiven.

Being me, I notice something else about this story: you are not entitled to forgiveness. Even in dealing with other people, they are not required to forgive you. You have an obligation. If they forgive you, then that speaks to their character. If they don't, then you still have to speak to your character.

Renee grew up in family constantly in debt, behind in payments, taking things that aren't theirs. You can see it even in the way they treat each other. Pretending you did nothing wrong is normal for her. Righteousness comes from herself, her insistence on the truth of delusions, aka self-righteousness. And yes, that makes me angry. We all have hot buttons. This one is mine.

I rely on open and honest communication. I have a huge blind spot relationally. And I cannot navigate a relationship with explicit directions. If someone is busy covering up their sin, they certainly aren't having open communication. And it's impossible for me to relate. I'm not talking about tact. Tact is telling me in a manner that best suits the circumstances. Tact is different from deceit. This is deceit - pretending that a lie is true. Odd, I hadn't planned on this coming full circle.

Disclaimer

Before anybody freaks out, let me throw in this disclaimer. While you are not entitled to forgiveness, I try and adopt a stance that forgiveness is the first route. Notice even in Jesus' parable that the boss forgave the guy at the outset. Forgiveness is how God always intended us to relate with each other. And ironically, forgiveness is what builds strong relationships. Sacrifice being right for a deeper connection with another person.

Here Nor There

 I remember you telling me once about hearing "I just like having you here". You feel insulted, like an object to be possessed. This popped into my brain while I was reading this morning. 

I would tell you the same thing. I tell Vania all the time. Though I have to admit, it probably has a better effect surrounded by "I love you". It's not a statement of possession. It's a statement of intimacy.

I can't speak for any one else. I just know for myself, that the words you hear and the meaning I intend to convey don't match. I attach emotions with places. That probably sounds very strange. I didn't realize until reading Temple Grandin's book Thinking in Pictures. All of my memories and dreams are about places. The house I grew up in. The school I went to. Church. College.

There were people in those places. But my connection is with the place. Other places don't exist. Really. I have a difficult time grasping the reality that there is way more to the world than the place I can see. It just doesn't register emotionally. And when that reality intrudes, it is emotionally jarring. I think that's a large part of my reluctance to visit new places. And why I am thankful for friends who drag me along.

My connection with people has always been tenuous. It's not a lack of desire or disregard for their value. I just can't connect with someone who is in a different place. It feels alien. I can't imagine Deanna and Lucy in school. Their school time was separate, different, foreign. Intellectually, I know they were at school, walking hallways, sitting in lectures. But somehow it isn't real. There's no connection.

I'm getting off topic. The idea of sharing a place with someone else is an expression of emotional connection. Or the desire for emotional connection. We have a place connects easier with me than you and I. Vania and I can sit on the couch doing completely different things. I watch TV. She plays on her tablet. Yet we still connect emotionally.

In Dungeons and Dragons, characters have this measure called presence. That's how I think of it, I enjoy her presence. I enjoy classical music, bluegrass, museums, watching sports live, the beach, the forest, etc.. I like sharing those things with someone else, way more than the thing itself. "I like having you here" means that you bring something special those things can't. And it's an admission that I want more of it.

Like I said, I can only speak for myself. If I were the one saying to you "I just like having you here", it isn't a declaration of possession. It's an expression of emotion. Granted, a struggling expression. A seed trying to break through its own husk and take root. And fertilized, it will grow, looking more and more like what you expect.

Anyway, another perspective.