Where are you now?

Where are you now?

When I feel alone?

Where are you when I feel sad?

Where are you when I want what I can't have?

Where are you now?

The wind blows.

The waves crash.

I stand alone.

Quiet, wet, cold.

Where are you now?

The darkest of night.

No star in the sky.

No moon, only the grey clouds.

Where are you now?

I cry out to you.

Call your name.

Where are you now?

When I need your touch.

When I need your promise.

Where are you now?

Save me.

Rescue me.

Protect me from the storm.

Where are you now?

When life falls apart.

When everything goes wrong.

And all I see is trouble.

Where are you now?

Inspiration

I put off writing this letter, well, honestly, because I have been wrestling with it. In chapter 7 of the Artist's Way, Julia Cameron talks about artistic inspiration. I think about coming up with ideas. It's the usual belief about inspiration. Ms. Cameron describes inspiration as dipping into a well of inspiration. In other words, it's not my idea.

This is where pride comes into play. The idea isn't mine. And my pride doesn't like that. It takes humility to accept ideas from someone else.

The well that Ms. Cameron describes is God. He is the original Creator. In church, we talk about God's omniscience - He knows everything - in the context of knowing the future. Think about it now in terms of He knows every idea. There is nothing we can imagine that He hasn't already considered. That's how big God is.

We can't handle that level of creativity. Our brains would explode. Instead, when we connect with Him, God reveals ideas in the way we understand. He pulls one little bit out of that vast tidal wave and hands us the single drop of water. A tidal wave will sweep us away. A single drop fits neatly in our hand.

Psalms talks about God as our Rock - our firm foundation in the midst of chaos. I picture some guy standing on a rock, jagged edges, and level on top with crevices for footholds. The sun shines brightly and warmly while whitecaps smash into the rock's base. Only a brief, cooling amount of spray reaches the top. The man stands there, above it all, safe, secure, and peaceful. The sea can never move the rock. Because below the surface is a humongous mountain, firmly planted in the center of the earth. And no matter how many waves hit it, the rock never moves.

God is our Rock. The waves are the ocean of His ideas. In the ocean, we drown. But there, resting on Him, the same water feels refreshing. He breaks the waves into droplets. Inspiration is those little droplets, released from the greater sea, refreshing, nourishing, and sought after.

You see, this wasn't what I intended to write. I wanted to talk about torment,  hopelessness versus hope, and how, in pride, I'd rather resign myself to the hopeless outcome (it can never be better) than accept God's abundance (not just better, but better than I dreamed). And that wasn't what God wanted to say. That wasn't His inspiration.

By the way, I like His words better. God brings life. Me, I dwell in the dark - dark themes, sadness, down and out stuff. God, He brings hope. He shines a light on everything. How can you be sad with the sun shining on Your face and a gentle, warm breeze blowing across your skin? That's what happens when we connect with Him - inspiration, hope, peace.

Stupid Feelings

I hate feelings. How is that for irony? Emotions hurt. I don't understand them. And I can't control them.

Control your temper.
Think happy thoughts.

Emotions just jump and crash like a crazy roller coaster. It's frustrating.

I talked about morning pages in the last letter. I was thinking of emotions. My emotions scare me. I feel things that I think I shouldn't feel. Do you ever get angry at someone and then feel bad for feeling angry? After all, I should forgive and control my temper. No. Well, no and yes.

Well meaning parents or teachers say control your temper. But they never walk you through how. You're left feeling like a failure because it just makes no sense. I felt like a failure because it made no sense. I created a shield - pushing those stupid feelings down.

Unfortunately, destructive emotions are, well, destructive. What happens when I get angry? I want to lash out - hurt the other person. How about when I'm sad? I want to attack the problem and crush it. Pushing those desires down only turns them inward. Now they destroy me. And I became afraid of the feelings. I still am. The problem took hold over decades. It will take decades to undo. Maybe you can figure it out earlier.

Morning pages are one place to start. Those 3 pages take forever to fill up. I spend 20 or 30 minutes every day writing them. And when the writing starts to get hard, that's when the feelings come out. Sadness, desperation, anger, rage. I can't cry yet. But it gets close some days. Morning pages give me a place to let loose. I don't have to worry about hurting anyone. I can say anything about anyone in any frame of mind. The only One who listens is God.

My walks in the evenings often turn into an extension of the morning pages. I let loose on God. All of the feelings. I yell at Him. I tell Him how bad I feel. I tell Him all of the people who hurt me that day and I want to hurt back. And He takes it. The morning pages are my connection with Him. Through it all, He brings me to the end of myself.

Then comes the most important part - resolving the feelings. It really doesn't matter if someone understands how I feel. I could care less. I want a solution. What do I do with these feelings? How do I resolve them? And that was a lesson someone had to teach me - forgiveness.

Like you, I've heard all about forgiveness in church. Well, I also heard about it in school. Forgive this, forgive that. Jesus says to forgive 70 times 70 times. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. If I'm mad, then I didn't forgive. Now I'm mad and a sinner. There's no way to win. I just get farther and farther behind.

Forgiveness doesn't make my feelings go away. Forgiveness restores my connection with God. I've learned that God is really, really big. He can handle all of my emotions. They aren't too deep. I can feel anything, with any amount of passion, and just dump it on His shoulders. And He takes it. That's the greatest feeling of relief - when He takes it. You know the phrase "I'm going to let you have it"? Well that's literal.

God desires my peace. No matter how much I lie to myself that life is misery, He keeps making ways to deliver His joy. And that same God, who provides things that I don't even ask for, asked me to forgive. When I practice forgiveness, I also accept His forgiveness. And as I accept His forgiveness, I accept His other gifts - like joy. 

There is no right or wrong way to do this. You will tell yourself that you're using the wrong words. You will tell yourself that you shouldn't ask for that, or tell Him that. It's a fight every morning. That voice, that judge in your head, is the flesh. You are killing it. And it doesn't want to die. Tell God about the doubts. Tell Him what that voice says to you. Because He will tell you what He sees. 

Sorry, I went off on a little tangent there. Forgiveness - how to forgive? I use this prayer as a template. I started by reading it. Then saying it from memory. Sometimes God gives me different words. The point? There is no wrong way to pray. God knows what you want to say. He enjoys when you make the effort to say it. Take that one step - say it - and He will come the rest of the way to you. So here's the forgiveness prayer*...

Heavenly Father, I forgive [name]. I forgive [him or her] for: [list everything you can think of that caused the offense and how you suffered as a result of the behvior]. I ask that You forgive [name] as well. Father, I ask that I would lose sight of the offense, and if I am ever reminded of it, that I will dismiss that memory as an old, resolved conflict. Father I ask for the strength to simply forget the incident and move on with rebuilding that relationship as You lead me to do so. Father, please show me how to love [name] the way You do. Father, show me how to turn my offense into concern for [name]'s well-being. Father, I am moved to forgive [him or her] because I desire to be obedient to You and desire for You to be glorified. Father, I ask that you would forgive me for not forgiving them in the past. Father, I confess that I will need Your help to live out this forgiveness and I ask You to give me the strength to live true to this forgiveness. Father, please bless [name]'s life in every way and heal [name] of any emotional or physical wounds that cause [name] suffering. I pray this in the name of Jesus, Amen.

I find understanding who or what to forgive very difficult. It can take 2 or 3 DAYS. If you ever want to talk, I'm always willing to listen.

Start with the morning pages. Start connecting with God. And He will lead you the rest of the way. God loves you because you exist. I love you because God loves you. It's a nice, neat, unbroken chain.

* From Be Transformed: Workbook Edition by John Robin Murphy, page 8.

Morning Pages

The last letter talked about love. God loves you because you exist. I love you because you exist. You still exist, so I still love you. Nice, clean logic there. Now it's time to tell you about a fun technique called morning pages. I learned about morning pages from the book The Artists Way by Julia Cameron.

How do morning pages work? Easy. Sit down and write 3 pages. It works best in the morning - surprise, surprise. When school starts, though, you might experiment a little with the time. The time of day isn't nearly as important as writing. So if evenings work better, write in the evenings. Call them goodnight pages instead. But sit down and write. The only rule is that you write at least 3 pages. 1 side of paper equals 1 page. Front and back counts as 2 pages.

Write down whatever pops into your head. Do not filter or discard thoughts. Write them down. Not relevant? Totally different topic? Write it down. The writing doesn't have to make sense. No one is going to read it. This is completely private. It stays between you and God. Angry? Thoughts of revenge? Write it down. Excited and what to share it? Write it down. Sad? Write it down. Hear the rain on the roof? Write it down. Whatever pops into your head - write it down.

Ignore spelling and grammar. Don't go back and "fix" stuff. I ramble a lot while writing. Actually, I drift into my head and forget to write. I'm trying to say that there is no wrong way of doing this - as long as you write 3 pages.

This is called stream of consciousness writing. The topic doesn't matter. Don't bother with paragraphs. Start writing and go until you fill 3 pages. Personally, I prefer typing. So I use a web site called 750 words. Try it for a month and see if you like it.

Three pages engages your subconscious mind. It engages your spirit. You know, the spirit that God created in His image? It's where your deepest desires live. It's your heart. It's in your spirit that you connect with God.

The Holy Spirit lives inside you. See that Spirit again? Guess where He is. Yep, in your spirit. When you connect with your spirit - your heart, you connect with the Holy Spirit. He connects you with God. Know what? That's what God wants.

Morning pages are just one way of connecting with God. He enjoys your company, just like I do. And for the same reason - He loves you because you exist. The Bible talks about casting all our cares on Jesus. Morning pages are a great way to start. Let it all out. God already knows about the sadness, happiness, anger, fear, and love inside of you. Even with all of that, you exist. And the only reason He loves you is because you exist. So tell Him all of those feelings.

You and I hold our feelings in. We hide away the ones that hurt. That hurt, the pain, it stops us from connecting with God. When you let it out, when you yell at Him and put all of that anger on Him, He takes it. He takes it and moves it out of the way. And what's left is Him. When the voice in your head stops talking, you can hear His voice. I want you to hear that voice. Because I can never love you as much as He does. And I want you to know that you're loved.

The Artists Way describes morning pages as a way of jump starting creativity. You are way creative. That is a quality that God has definitely given you in abundance. He is a creator. He created this entire universe. All of those cool laws of mathematics - He wrote them. You are made in His image. When you connect with God, He brings out that wonderful quality in You. His creativity flows through you. And that makes you happy. I like it when you're happy. God likes it when you're happy.

I love you.

The Condition on Love

This conversation is more of a monologue for one of my daughters. God teaches us things in ways that we understand. My geeky logical brain simply can't comprehend things without reason. That's what unconditional always meant to me - for no reason. So God explained it a different way. And I desperately wanted to share it with someone special...

The Letter

You know, it’s kind of weird how much of myself that I see in you. That’s not all bad. Well, from my point of view it’s not all bad. You may think differently :) I can see that you get frustrated with school. I’m guessing that you feel lonely a lot. Don’t know how to tell anyone. And feel like no one would understand. You feel good around your friends. But it fades quickly when you get home. You want that good feeling all of the time. I felt the same way at your age. I see you doing the same things I did. Honestly, I still don’t have the answers. I have no idea how to talk to you about this. So I wrote a letter instead. All I can tell you is that I love you. You probably don’t believe me. That’s okay. We kid around that I have to love you, I’m your dad. Being serious for a moment, that’s not why I love you. Being your father was a good opportunity to know you. I get to spend a lot of time around you. I watched you grow up. Being your dad provided those opportunities. In church, they talk a lot about God’s unconditional love. I never really understood that. Your parents love you because they’re your parents. Your friends because you share common interests. To get married, you have to date - which is pretty much just tryouts. Someone marries you because of how you act while dating. There aren’t any real models of unconditional love. I realized recently that there is one condition on God’s love - He loves us because we exist. In the Old Testament, God tells Moses that His name is “I am”. God declared His existence. God is God because “I am”. He exists. He is real, He is a person, “I am”. God created us in His image. He sees Himself as “I am”. He sees you as “you are”. He exists. You exist. And that is enough for Him to love you. At the end of Romans 8, Paul says “I am convinced that nothing can separate us from the love of God - height, depth, the government, demons, nothing.” Paul can say that because he understood why God loves us - we exist. Nothing can change the fact that we exist. Nothing, no one. You exist, so God loves you. I love you for the same reason. I love you because you exist. And until that changes, well, I love you.

Brainstorming

Yes, I'm starting with the second step in the development/debug process. The process starts with identifying the problem. Let's assume we have the problem well in hand. Now we have to fix it.

Brainstorming has one rule - no judgement. We don't filter. We don't analyse. We don't organize. Throw out any and every idea that comes into your head. Okay, maybe one filter - only ideas relevant to the problem. Suggesting a vacation in Aruba probably doesn't qualify. And yes, you will get some crazy or stupid suggestions. Keep going anyway. Get those creative juices flowing.

As the ideas start coming, excitement sets in. At this point remember, do not explore any of the ideas. Ask questions to understand what someone said. But do not consider feasibility. We don't care if something sounds impractical. That comes later.

Eventually, ideas slow down and start getting ridiculous. It's time to stop. Next we organize the ideas. Again, don't throw out any of them. We're looking for patterns - similarities, dependencies, costs, and duplicates. How you organize the ideas depends on the problem. There is no right answer. The action matters more than the result.

Now comes the good part - what you wanted to do all along. Analyse the ideas and pick one (or how ever many you need). Weed out the bad ideas, the impractical ones, or the ones that cost too much.

Quick and Dirty

So this goes through my head every time I encounter a problem. List ideas, organize, analyse, and pick one. Except no one else can see what's in my head. In a team scenario, it pays to do this out loud, together. Business people call it buy in. We become emotionally invested in our ideas. That's the heart of creativity. Give everyone a voice. Let them choose the solution instead of feeding it to them. Let them connect with it emotionally.

Pulse VPN Client

I got to do something new today - setup a VPN connection with work. Okay, that's not entirely new. For the longest time, I used Network Connect for the VPN. It worked great up until a couple of months ago. The VPN was upgraded and Network Connect wen the way of the dodo.

The new VPN uses Pulse Secure. There exists a Windows client and a Mac client. And I must say, they're pretty nice. Nothing for Linux though. A little Google searching and I came across OpenConnect. So I set about installing OpenConnect.

First, I checked the Ubuntu repositories for a pre-built package. The OpenConnect web site says that Juniper support starts in version 7.05. The Ubuntu package topped out at version 6.0. Note: This was Ubuntu 15.04. I found a PPA testing a 7.06 package for the next Ubuntu release. One more release and my success reverts to the dustbin of history.

Next I installed from source. It promptly crashed looking for a script named vpnc-script. On Ubuntu, that script comes from the vpnc package. Then the program crashed looking for a library. The library was built from the same source as the client program. It was loaded into one of the standard library directories. Ugh.

I tried several things. The ultimate solution - run ldconfig. ldconfig added the new library into its index. Ta-da! The client program ran perfectly.

It still, however, would not connect to the VPN. I used the -v option to see what was happening. The client failed parsing the login form. Just before termination, I saw two fields being ignored. Our VPN displays a confirmation dialog box asking you to proceed or cancel. I actually started digging into the source code for this one.

A quick grep found the warning message about ignored fields. The code compared the control names with a string for the submit button. The submit button name comes from the calling code. Nope, wait, it comes from the code that calls the calling code.

I changed the string to match our Proceed button. Compile, run, and Bob's your uncle! The VPN connected. I logged into the internal app server just to be sure.

So to recap...

1. Install the vpnc package first.
2. Change the submit button name in the source code.