Walk by the Lake

I wanted to say thank you for going out of your way to acknowledge my feelings. Something happened that made it stand out. I'm grateful to my friend for her thoughtfulness and compassion.

Two days ago. I made Vania go on a walk with me down by the lake. I like walks. The lake walk has few people. It's very pleasant. Well, until Vania demanded to go home just a few minutes into the walk. Frankly, it hurt my feelings. And I told her so.

Today, Vania comes out to the living room, turns on Youtube, grabs a blanket, lays her head in my lap, and falls asleep. No I'm sorry. For two whole days, there's not one word acknowledging my feelings. I recognize this behavior. Renee did it. Deanna and Lucy did it. The entitlement is followed closely by bitterness and depersonalization. I don't think Vania has any understanding of what happened.

Repentance is a necessary ingredient of forgiveness. Repentance says I hurt you, I know that I hurt you, and I chose to put you above me. Without repentance, forgiveness is merely getting away with what's been done. Sadly, this seems to be exactly what most people want - get away with it. It's the addicts way of thinking. We are merely an object to be used for their own ends.

Thank you for the love you show. It means a great deal.

Feelings don't measure right and wrong

 I have to get this off my chest. You live your lives as if your feelings define right and wrong. That is a very dangerous lie. I wish you could see it the way that I do. Anyway, I'm trying to say...

• Why I think you believe this
• Feelings do not measure right and wrong
• Your feelings do not measure right and wrong

Why I think you believe this

My natural communication style is to listen, test, and adapt. I'm fairly quiet around new people. And I try to listen. I learn how they communicate, what they think is important. Then I test and use their reactions to guide how I communicate with them. It works well with professors and teachers.

I feel like the few conversations we've had happened in a vacuum. There was no engagement. No communication. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with that.

When I ask for more information, I simply hear your claims re-iterated. No evidence. No facts. Simply your statement of what you want the truth to be. I hear that I'm wrong. I only hear feeling statements. Feeling statements said as if they are a substitute for facts.

The dictionary defines gossip as casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people, typically involving details that are not confirmed as being true. How many friends have you talked to? How many times did you talk to your mom and not me? With each other? How did you confirm what's true? By asking people who weren't there? By complaining to people who are not involved and can't do anything?

The human brain naturally links memories with emotions. We are supposed to remember similar situations when we feel a certain way. It is also possible to trick this mechanism by repeating a false narrative in relation to the feelings. That narrative becomes true or right. It comes back when the feelings return.

In this way, shame becomes an excuse for revenge rather than a call to fix a problem. When the next person triggers shame, the false narrative takes over, reinforcing itself. Gossip builds that reinforcement. Feelings take over, facts are ignored. And you sincerely believe. Mistaking sincerity for truth.

Feelings do not measure right and wrong

Let's for a moment accept that feelings define right and wrong. I'll also concede, for the sake of argument, that making you feel bad is wrong. That also means making me feel bad is wrong. Correct?
The argument there is that I deserve it. I hurt you first. You were responding to me hurting you. So what about all of the times, as a baby, that you cried because you didn't get your way? That hurt me. Am I not right to get revenge also?

That's the problem with revenge as justification. How far back do you go? And there is always a way to go back. This is the central issue with feelings as moral judgement. Your feelings are under your control, not mine. Using feelings as right and wrong makes me responsible for them. That's simply not true.

You are not responsible for my feelings. When I deal with depression, it's not your fault. When I get mad, it's not your fault. You may have precipitated it with an action. You may be responsible for the consequences (aka Dad's mad at me). But you are not morally culpable for my anger.

Likewise, I am not morally culpable for your feelings - shame, guilt, anger, etc.. We are morally culpable for our actions. Actions based on negative feelings are very often wrong. Feelings may explain an action. Feelings cannot excuse an action.

That difference is very important. Feelings are a part of who you are and how you perceive the universe. They do not excuse what you do. Right and wrong exist outside of feelings. Where?

Your feelings do not measure right and wrong

The last part I want to address is the mistaken belief that only your feelings matter. Saying feelings measure right and wrong is ridiculous, as shown above. Everyone has their own feelings and they can be radically different. No, in order to justify behavior, one must believe that only their own feelings matter.

That's called selfishness. One places themselves at the center of the universe as judge over right and wrong. It's arrogance.

That's the lie at the center of all these things. Nothing I say or do will matter as long as this lie persists. I understand the anger. I am intentionally chipping away at this core tenant. This central belief that you so desperately want to hide. Everyone knows that it's wrong - in someone else.

When the Bible talks about repentance, it means turning away from this lie into the truth that God defines right and wrong. These awful feelings that come with destroying the lie are a beginning, not an end. It feels like death. It is, metaphorically, death. Death to be reborn into life. Life with new feelings. Life based on truth. Let's talk about that. How do we do that?

Quarrels and Gratitude

My pastor posted this article on Facebook. I won't lie, Vania. All I could think about was your mom. 

https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/am-i-the-quarrelsome-wife?fbclid=IwAR3puek99whg1fXKh35T2d_1JvGG_J37h_Rk55ZyXbth3UvKbk7qmuWcbVk

Like most other things, I also saw a connection to something else, ironically, from Sunday's sermon by the same pastor. He's preaching through Acts and the start of the early church. He made a point of how they shared a meal.

In Thou Shalt Prosper, Rabbi Danial Lappin explains that human beings are physical and spiritual beings. As opposed to animals, who are purely physical beings. When humans put a ritual around something natural, it brings a spiritual significance to an otherwise physical act. Human beings cook, add spices, sit at a table, and share meals. Animals eat. We spiritualize eating by adding ritual.

What's the connection? A quarrelsome wife quenched her spirit. She devolves a home into merely a house.

Behavior

The article talks about unfilled desire as a cause of quarrels. To fulfil her desires, the quarrelsome wife uses the same negative behaviors as an addict. She rationalizes her behavior, just like an addict. If they target just does what I want, then they won't get hurt. It's their fault, not mine. The quarrelsome wife is abusive and bullying.

And it doesn't take yelling to be quarrelsome. Passive aggressive anger is just as destructive as outright yelling. In many ways, it is more insidious. The key is that a quarrelsome knows that she is quarrelsome. She has, at some point, made the decision to get what she wants. She knows that it's wrong. And doesn't care. The spirit, right and wrong, has been quenched.

Whatever it was this woman desired doesn't matter any more. It is more important that she take what she wants. Receiving her desire is no longer enough. She wants what she wants on her terms, and her terms alone. The thought of being cut off frightens her so much, that she will do or say anything.

Conclusion

I disagree with the article's conclusion. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, why not just call it a duck? Addiction, real addiction, takes an enormous amount of effort to overcome. The quarrelsome wife has a lot of painful, hard work ahead of her. Yes, that certainly includes more gratitude.

Vania, I write this not because I think that you are quarrelsome. I write it so that you will recognize quarrelsome people when you see them. So that you understand the importance of choosing God in even the smallest things in your life. And why He asks us to live in gratitude.