Thing 1 and Thing 2

So I noticed something this morning - this intense urge to feel. I found myself flailing around in my mind. It's a reaction to feeling disconnected. I start trying anything and everything to get back that feeling of connection.

I automatically go back to things that worked in the past. The problem is, those things worked because the connection already existed. These are things that God asked me to do. And in my flesh, I automatically go back to those things when what I really what is Him. The rationalization goes that if the thing brought Him before, the thing will do it again.

That's so backwards. God rules the thing, not the other way around.

A Bad Reaction

This usually happens after I do something He asks. The process seems to go like this...

1. Wrestle with Him for a couple of days.
2. Do what He asks, while trying to keep in check the urge to overdo it (aka take it away from Him).
3. Reward.
4. Flailing to find that reward feeling all over again.

This should be a period of rest. Yet I find this desire to do something. Odd, I crave relaxation yet when it's here, I find it hard to accept.

Accept, that's the correct word. Totally a control thing. I want to make my own relaxation instead of accepting it as God's gift. Accepting in humility that it isn't mine. How weird.

Merry Christmas

We celebrate Christmas as good news. Me being me, I wondered why it's good. I mean, what makes it such good news? Not good versus bad.

Have you ever watched those post apocalyptic movies? A desolate wasteland with bad guys fighting for power. Someone always controls the food/water/electricity or whatever has become scarce. The "boss" has something everyone wants. At least until the movie's hero takes it away.

I imagine that's the world without God. No laws. No police. Your sense of right and wrong? All gone. Even if you think yourself a pretty good person, that all goes out the window.

Imagine a time when nothing grows. All the water dries up. The soil has no nutrients. No clouds or plants giving shade from the sun. Everything is dust. You're hungry, thirsty. And there will never be more.

Partnerships end in betrayal. Your partner stabs you and takes everything. Cooperation doesn't exist.  They are always looking for the advantage. To take whatever you can. You'll treat them the same way, too. I think that's even more frightening.

Stew on this for a second - everyone fights for dominance over an empty dust ball. Oh, you're not just fighting people. There are spiritual beings who interact with us and the world in ways we don't understand. They also plot against you.

In all of that misery, there's still one more level. You can never die. Hungry but not enough to starve. Like the movie Death Becomes Her, your body decays and won't die. It just continues falling apart. Pain without hope. Can we really comprehend that kind of misery?

Good News

That's why a little baby brought good news. When we say "Jesus saves", that's what He saves us from. God introduces life. He creates. He builds. And when He places Himself into our universe, He gives it new life.

Isn't that good? Merry Christmas!

Obedience

Obedience is accepting someone else's definition of right and wrong. This occurred to me in the shower while imagining an argument in my head. Why God picks these moments for teaching I'll never know. Must be His sense of humor.

We (and by "we" I mean "I") often confuse obedience with following orders - do what someone else wants. I'm proposing that obedience mean doing what's right as defined by someone else. For example, I accept God's definition of right and wrong. I want to be right, because let's face it, who wants to be wrong? Therefore, I obey God.

Obedience begins with rules. As I grow and we grow closer, communication and connection take a more dominate role than rules. This is how relationships work.

I think about my oldest daughter. When she learned to crawl, she wasn't allowed in the kitchen. We stopped her at the threshold. A 10-month old can't understand all the subtleties of stoves, hot water, or people moving around. Shoot, she couldn't even talk yet.

As she got older, she went into the kitchen at certain times. Then using the stove with supervision. Now, she makes fantastic burgers for dinner while I'm driving home from work. 

For Shame 

What happens when both sides insist that they're right? One of them is lying. We rationalize. And we substitute our rationalization for obedience. I find myself doing this. When I come up with a clever reason why I should do something, it's a red flag that I better double check my motivations. Talking myself into or out of something raises the question why do I need an excuse? 

If I'm doing what's right, isn't that reason enough? Sometimes it is right. I'm a victim of overthinking even when I don't need to. And many times I'm wrong. I want to do it. I came up with reasons why I "need" to do it. I have an excuse for doing something that I know is wrong. Of course, it's still wrong, isn't it?

Accepting someone else's definition of right and wrong is hard. It gives them great power over our self and our worth. If they judge us wrong, then aren't we guilty? Like I said earlier, who wants to be wrong? And it's all compounded by the truth that they themselves can be wrong.

Connections

Somehow, this all ties into emotional connections. I'm just not sure how yet. Marriage begins with a wife promising to accept her husband's definition of right and wrong (aka obedience). Our relationship with God begins the same way - accepting His definition of right and wrong. From that, a connection grows. It begins a cycle doing more of what He asks, growing a stronger connection, doing more of what He asks, making a deeper connection, and so on.

Interesting.

Give and Take

So I've been comparing two scenarios in my head, looking for why one person was manipulative but the other was not. 

The first scenario involves the ex. I learned some information she intentionally withheld. Important parenting information. And this isn't the first time. Sadly, it happened quite a lot. It makes me feel deceived and manipulated.

On the flip side, I think about my friend at work. I distinctly remember a couple of times she had to ask me to do something. And something was part of my job. It wasn't an unreasonable request. Her demeanor made me think she thought that I was going to bite her head off. When people around me act in fear, I have this innate desire to put them at ease. It's some kind of weird reflex.

Anyway, the more I think about it, the more I realize that my friend wasn't afraid. She knew my workload. She was softening her request because I might feel overwhelmed. Oddly, it worked. That silly reflex made me glad to help. But don't tell her that.

Focus

Was my co-worker manipulating me? No, but why not? Sorry, it's never enough to just answer the question. I want to understand why. 

She adapted her delivery based on her understanding of my feelings. I say that, well, because she said that - I know you have a lot to do. I have tried for over hour to do this on my own. And I'm just stuck. More importantly, I think, she didn't take the decision away from me. Those weren't excuses. They were context so that I could make an informed decision.

My ex focused on her own feelings. I think that's an important point. It reminds me of when Jesus says whoever gives up his life will find it. God has the best sense of irony. By focusing on my feelings, my friend ended up feeling good and getting what she wanted. But that wasn't her motivation.

Receiving

Spiritual things cannot be taken. They can only be given. Manipulation is one person taking from another. This is different than asking, inviting. At some point, the thing becomes more important than the person giving it. When that happens, you step into manipulation. And yes, I catch myself trying to do this too.

We are never entitled to spiritual things. For example, God is not obligated to forgive me. He does, which is just crazy. But He doesn't have to. In the same way, He never obligates me to worship Him. I do because I want to. Spiritual things are given.

You can never take what you need spiritually. You will always lose it. We absolutely rely on someone else to give us what we need. Because that's the only way to find it.