Strange

Something strange happened last night. It's actually something that happens a lot. The acute awareness of it was new. And I don't yet know why it stood out.

Deanna and I were shooting the breeze. I was doing something, probably making Vania something to eat. Deanna was cooking the meat for steak sandwiches. It was a good conversation - light, smooth, happy. It felt good. Then I went back to my room for bit while the tater tots finished cooking. And just seconds later I felt all of the energy drain out of my body.

The stark difference amazed me. I felt energized after talking to Deanna. Then it all leaked away. Almost like the crash after an adrenaline rush. What happened?

I have no idea. That's pretty normal for me. After a social event breaks up, I crash emotionally. It's why I don't like parties. You are constantly engaging then disengaging with different groups. It gets tiring very fast.

I think it has something to do with transitions. I always have trouble when conversations come to a close, changing course on what I'm doing because a new problem arose, or even going from work to home. Maybe it's related.

Why?

I ask these question because of Vania. I think Vania has some of the same difficulties. I can't help her without understanding what's happening. On top of that, it's very hard to talk about these things with an autistic 11 year old who has no words for her feelings. Something else she and I have in common.

I have always felt like I can't say how I feel. I used to think I was just afraid. Afraid of being teased, afraid of vulnerability, afraid of being rejected, or whatever else came to mind. Now I wonder if there's something more to it.

I have a good friend that I know, absolutely know, I can talk to freely. And it's still hard. Talking can feel like pushing. Something holds it back. It takes a lot of conscious effort. Unless the emotions are super strong. Like off the scale strong. There seems to be some level I have to reach before they can overwhelm whatever holds them back. 

There isn't anything conscious that causes this. I don't think about it. Just the opposite, in fact. I've talked about system 1 and system 2 before. Whatever happens comes from system 1. And it takes the effort of system 2 to overcome.

Now here's the really difficult part - sometimes system 1 is right. There are times when I need to listen. (I enjoy listening, by the way). In the moment, I have to choose between listening to these nudges and setting them aside. Are they from the flesh (broken body)? Or from the Spirit (God's nudges)? That also takes time. Because of this, conversations become stilted. I guess most people can do this very quickly. Or don't care. I know that I'm slow.

The good news is that it makes me aware of this in Vania. I don't mind our conversations having gaps. Patience is key. And it can be rewarded with knowing a little more about this wonderful girl.

Peace

I stayed home sick today and decided to watch the Wonder Woman movie. In one scene, Dianna's mother tells a story about Zeus and Ares. At one point, the other says that Zeus used the last of his power to strike at Ares. I thought, "God never reached the end of His power."

Drama, intrigue, risk, and conflict seem to characterize most religions of those days. But the Bible describes none of that. Jehova has no drama. There are no close calls. No last ditch efforts. He not only knows what's coming, He set it in motion.

Take the book of Revelation, for example. God is so confident in His plan that He told everyone what it was. And we still can't stop it. He took death - a consequence of disobedience - and turned it into redemption. At no point whatsoever, has anyone ever had any chance of thwarting Him.

The Bible tells a story about a magician named Balaam. A king asked Balaam to curse the Israelites so that he could defeat them in battle. Balaam was riding up to do this. His donkey kept stopping. Finally, in anger, Balaam hit the animal. The donkey turns his head and says "why did you do that?" Yes, the original talking mule. Then Balaam saw what the donkey saw - an angel with a very large sword blocking the way.

Where is the drama with a God who can never lose? Who controls the sub-atomic particles streaming through space? Who sets the course of every energy beam released in a nova? And intricately designed all of them to work together for His own ends? Where is that moment of last ditch effort for a God whose power is unlimited? It's just not there.

Intrigue? Who's going to stand against Him? When He knows every thought and desire we ever have before we do, what plan can you make? Where is the conflict? If no one can hope to fight, then who's in conflict with Him?

As human beings, we like the drama. Courage in the face of defeat. Turning points and moments when it all fails or succeeds. But that isn't the God of the Bible. He grows His kingdom slowly, steadily like a tree. His plans extend hundreds and thousands of years. A nudge here, a gentle brush there. It's quiet. Soft. And always successful.

This is why He promises peace. Anxiety comes when we struggle against this God. And think about it - are you really expecting to win? That doesn't make it any easier to submit. A deep part of us rebels. We want a God who is more like us. Well, then I'm not so bad, am I? But that's not God. For someone so big, so powerful, so full of presence, He works so softly. Taking His time. And finishing what He starts. If I could completely believe He wanted my good. If I could live the truth of what He promises, then I don't need to fight anymore. I like that idea - peace.

The Sidewalk Ends

Where the sidewalk ends and life begins,
There are monsters there.
Flood and famine,
Traps and tall grass.
Where the sidewalk ends and life begins.

It's cold, dark, and frightening.
Things I can't see trying to eat me.
Howls, growls, hisses, and roars to make your skin curl
And hair stand on end. All of these wait
Where the sidewalk ends and life begins.

I don't want to venture out there.
Only to find I've lost my way.
Without the benefit of the light of day.
Where the sidewalk ends and life begins,
There is a harsh and desolate land.
Will You hold my hand?

I Forgot

Something odd happened today. Well, the thing that happened wasn't odd. I found my reaction to it odd - at least in comparison.

I was going to have lunch with a coworker. We do that every so often. Talk about work, life, whatever. She forgot. It happens. And that's what was odd - "it happens". Actually, I had to leave early. She realized that we missed lunch and said something. It was just a simple I forgot or something to that effect. And that was enough.

In contrast, my ex used "I forgot" as the first excuse. It just made me sad, then angry. Why the difference?

I think the difference is trust. I trust my co-worker. I forgot was a statement of responsibility and apology. I know that because, well, we talk. It fits with what I know about her. It's probable.

My brain works weirdly. Or more to the point, I'm more aware of what it's doing. All our brains work on probabilities. You can never know anything with 100% certainty. So we construct mental models of how the world works, how the people around us work. And we interpret every action from the perspective of that model. In other words, you never get a second chance to make a first impression.

I view my co-worker as trustworthy, open, responsible, and willing to accept mistakes. Most importantly, I trust that she really does care about me as her friend. I trust that because she has shown it through acts of grace. Grace is the difference.

Who do you trust in your life? And why?