Humility

I once read that anger was the only emotion without an opposite. Today, I'm thinking the opposite is humility, which is not an emotion. And I find that, in itself, an interesting mystery.

Proverbs warns to placate the king's wrath. Paul instructs wives to win over husbands through service and submission. And Jesus fulfilled God's wrath by humbly accepting responsibility. As weird as it seems, humility is the answer to anger.

What made me think of it? Lucy once told me that when I got angry, she was afraid I would hit her. It was a rational for defiance - a passive aggressive defiance. I made her afraid so she is justified in holding a grudge. And you know what? That makes me even angrier.

So I asked myself why. Why did it make me angrier? I'm funny that way - always wanting to find the root cause. As I think about my emotions, I started to see patterns. I respond to the people around me. I used to think that I was reactive. When people panic, I am at my calmest. When no one else panics, I can. When a friend is sad, I want to respond with empathy. These are all negating feelings. The opposite of what everyone around me feels. My emotions are so very much controlled by the people around me. Even knowing that it happens, I can't stop it.

But anger is different, sort of. If the anger starts with you (you angry at me), I look to calm it. If I'm angry and you respond with anger, then it's like combining two waves. They become one much bigger wave. Not a recipe for peace. Defiance is anger in disguise. So not only is there anger, now throw a layer of deceit on top. And a bad situation just went totally south.

What do I want when I'm angry? I want acknowledgement. Acknowledgement that you really did something wrong. Take responsibility, even when you mess up. And that takes humility. Humility to accept that you really do deserve the anger.

It's all about power. Anger gives the illusion of control. When anger responds to anger, you end up with two people fighting for control. We call that war. When one person accepts the anger as a legitimate feeling, there's no nothing to fight over, is there? Humility puts control in the other person's hands. It says you're right and justified in being angry. You can choose to continue or stop. Defiance is about making the other person stop. Humility can ask them to stop, but leaves the choice in their hands.

You see, I know that anger should never be in control. Humility puts the choice in my hands to act out of love or hate. And something in my brain, as messed up as it may be, trips. Now that I have to choose, some other part steps in. I have to think. Anger comes from system 1. Humility engages system 2.

Why am I writing this? Lucy will get married one day. And I guarantee, her very human husband will get angry with her. She can't stop that from happening. She can control her response. So I hope that she reads this and chooses to practice humility. And when she needs the muscle (character), it's already there. Here's lookin' at you, kid.

Escape

You will find peace not by trying to escape your problems, but by confronting them courageously. You will find peace not in denial, but in victory.
-- J. Donald Walters

I came across this quote over the weekend and it struck a chord. It's amazing how hard we try to escape our problems. Believe me, I'm not immune to it. That temptation to just make it go away.

Vines pop into my mind. Jesus talks about fruit. We bear fruit. The good ground brings a hundred fold increase from one seed. A good tree grows good fruit. Bad trees grow bad fruit. We know other people by their fruit. But what is fruit?

Is it the actions we take? The words that we say? I don't think so. I grew up thinking fruit meant behavior. But I don't think that's quite right. Actions are amoral - neutral. Good and evil comes from something deeper inside of us. For example, the 10 commandments said don't murder. And God still sent the Israelites into Canaan with orders to kill everyone. Same action. Different fruit.

I think fruit has more to do with the results of our actions. You know the stereotypical car salesman? Slick. All nice and friendly. Would cheat his own mother for a quick buck. Have you ever dealt with a salesman who just left you feeling icky? You couldn't point to anything specific. But something was off.

That's fruit. It's the spiritual residue left over from your relationship with someone else. What do they leave you with? Peace, joy, kindness, patience, faithfulness. Not always good feelings. Feelings are fickle. But do you grow for having known them?

Those things I listed are fruits of the spirit. A good relationship bears good fruit. Bad relationships bear bad fruit. There's a great story, which I've probably quoted before. An elder Indian chief is sitting with his grandson. The elder says to the boy, "Inside every man are two wolves. One wolf represents all that is good - kindness, honesty, peace. The other wolf is all that is bad - rage, jealousy, greed. These two wolves are always fighting. Fighting to the death." The grandson pauses for a second, then asks, "Grandfather, which one wins?" The elder replies, "The one that you feed."

Inside of every person are two warring sides - the spirit and the flesh. A good wolf and a bad wolf. However you want to picture them. Each is trying to kill the other. And this is where torment comes from. That inner turmoil that afflicts us so easily. We run from this torment. We try and hide from the pain, from the fight.

It takes a lot of energy to fight. It's hard to understand your own motivations. To consciously choose the one wolf over the other. Try paying attention to everything, all day long. You'll find that your brain gets tired. It starts taking short cuts. And so we give in to our flesh. Because it's easier than fighting.

And that's where the quote at the top comes in. Escape takes many forms. Alcohol and drugs are probably the culturally ingrained things that pop into your head. But it can be food, TV, movies, music, sex, fishing, and even housework. Anything that you use just to not face God. You see, the real issue isn't running from our problems. It's that we're running from God. Facing our problems only makes us see our need for Him. And that is what the bad wolf doesn't want you to know.

Fruit comes from who we are, deep inside. And when we face God, we see all of the darkness. We see all of the hiding places we never thought about. And we do everything in our power just to avoid taking that glimpse. Because once you do, you know the choice. And we don't want to make that choice. It's a hard choice. It means killing one of the wolves. And the wolf's fighting for its life.

So exactly how do we face ourselves, and all that we do? That's why Paul refers to Jesus' resurrection as victory. I don't confess sins because God needs to hear them. I confess them because I need to face them. Face them, accept that I did them, and receive forgiveness because someone greater than me already paid for it.

Peace comes from surrendering myself to God. There's one last metaphor with the fruit. Jesus describes us as vines. Bad trees produce bad fruit. But graft that bad part into a good tree, and it becomes the good tree. It produces good fruit. He goes one to say, "I am the vine. You are the branches." We can be changed. It's not easy. That stupid wolf will fight to the bitter end. And peace won't always seem real. But it's coming. One day when that wolf dies.

The Measure of a Goal

I was out on my walk this morning, thinking about the weekend. The girls and I tried an experiment. They each took responsibility for everything for one day. Unsurprisingly, we had some hiccups. And I've been trying to think of a good way to do a post mortem.

That got me thinking - what was the goal? It's very easy to say that the goal was getting chores done. But that's not true. Yes, the chores needed doing. And yes, I'm thankful for their help getting them done. That just wasn't really my goal.

I wanted to accomplish something with them. I wanted to build a relationship. Establish a back and forth. Figure out how we can communicate instead of running off to our rooms. I wanted to build a relationship.

And that brought me to think about my relationship with God. God set the terms. Yet even inside of that, He left a lot of room for us. There were certain things when God said "do it this way, exactly". And there are a lot of things that He allows us to do on our own, our way.

God defined the size of the ark of the covenant, where it was kept, and how it was carried. He was very direct and precise. He laid out very specific meats they were not to eat. Bur He didn't say one word about how to spice the food or what it should taste like. God tells us that He wants obedience, then leaves things up to our own judgement. This is the balance between control and relationship.

Relationships are by invitation. In every relationship, we share both the responsibility and the benefits. What happens in a relationship with someone who won't share? I had roommate in my younger days (oh, so long ago :)  Would not share ice cream. I got one serving - the day it was purchased. Maybe a half serving the next night. But ice cream never lasted longer than that.

I once heard a missionary describe it as a barrel mentality. Relatives or sponsors from another country would send barrels of food for families. The day the barrels arrived, someone from the family would pick it up at the dock. On the way home, they would start eating. Because once you got home, everyone had to share.

At home, everyone had the same idea - get some before there's none left. An entire, huge barrel of food gone in just a couple of days. And the family would start waiting for the next barrel all over again. A never ending cycle. This is what was happening with the ice cream - a refusal to share.

The same refusal happens emotionally, or with power and authority. Every relationship is about sharing. The terms simply describe who shares what, how it's divided up.

I read a great quote once. Forgot to write down who said it, so I apologize...

The measure of a goal is not what you're willing to do for it, but what you're willing to sacrifice.

Sharing means giving up - releasing - things that you are entitled to. It takes dying to your flesh (self preservation). And it's hard. I still mess it up. Thankfully, God thought of that too.