A Day in the Life

I'm not sure why I'm writing this entry. It's frightening.

I'd like to give you some idea of what I lived with for 22 years. Shortly after getting married, Renee and I went grocery shopping. She told me to go get tomato sauce. Simple enough. My Mom always made her sauce. It was big pot, with the meatballs cooked right on the sauce. What was left went into the freezer. Spaghetti was a big dinner.

Renee meant the cans that say Tomato Sauce on them. I brought back spaghetti sauce. And all she would say is "that's not right." I brought back a different jar. Same thing - "that's not right." No explanation of what to look for, what was different. She just kept telling me to get "tomato sauce." On the third trip I noticed the cans. Then it all made sense. This has always been the pattern.

I remember Renee asking what I thought about her getting her hair cut. I told her that I would prefer she didn't. I remember choosing my words purposefully. I didn't want to be bossy or overbearing. It was only a day or two later that I came home from work to find she had it done. Years later, I realized Renee had already made the appointment.

Words never meant what they mean. Renee chose words she believed I wanted to hear. Then defined them very precisely to be what she wanted. It was manipulation, pure and simple. I remember sitting in Taylor's Student Union while Renee told me what she wrote in her wedding vows. She made a very specific point, for several minutes, about putting in the word obey. She specifically said that's how she wanted our relationship to be.

We talked about what obedience meant. We agreed on those terms. That's what the housework meant to me. Housework is stupid and small. Obedience was important. Rebellion was important. It was never about the housework. It was always about the reasons behind the lack of work.

I remember at two or three times I found out about appointments or some event by accident. Renee insisted that she told me. But those conversations never took place.

Renee had her magic words. These were phrases meant as code for something totally different than what they mean. For example, how was your day meant she wanted to hear herself talk. He said it was all in my head meant the doctor told her something she didn't like.

I've always known that I don't see things like everyone else. I questioned my reality. Did I forget those conversations? Was I wrong for not talking about my day? You have no idea what that does to a person.

Carrier Waves

I was thinking some more about waves. I watched a documentary once about the invention of radio. The basic idea is that there is a constant signal. Even during times of silence, a radio station still transmits a signal called a carrier wave. As the DJ speaks, those changes are super imposed onto the carrier. A receiver tunes to the carrier wave. It decodes the differences relative to the carrier.

This started as a question - what's changed? I see a friend going through a cycle of changes. Trying to gain control over some part of her life. I know that I do those things when something feels out of control. And I wonder what feels out of control.

On the other hand, I also make changes in response to nudges. I read a book of the same name - Nudges - a while back. The author made the observation that small nudges can influence our decisions. Rather than manipulating people by forcing them into what you want, give them choices arranged to reflect your values. Nudge them with cues, but leave the final decision with them. We humans are programmed to respond to these cues.

It makes sense to me that God also uses those same nudges. Sometimes I listen to them. Change isn't bad. Change is, well change. Facts change. Circumstances change. If God represents the carrier wave of the universe, then His changes move us in the same direction as everything else. These changes bring about something good.

Why I change is more important than the act of changing.

Cain and Abel

For those not familiar with the story, Cain and Abel were brothers. Abel was a shepherd. Cain a farmer. At the time, people were making animal sacrifices. God proscribed an unblemished lamb as the correct sacrifice. Cain decided his vegetables should make just as good an offering. God was not pleased.

Cain saw that Abel was doing well. Cain got angry, killed Abel, and tried to hide what happened. Remember, Cain did what he wanted instead of what was asked. Blamed the person who did what was asked. And hurt that person rather than accept that Cain himself did anything wrong.

The why sets whether we go along with the carrier wave or fight against it. Obedience is allowing the carrier wave to carry us forward. Imagine when everything and everyone in the universe all moves in harmony toward the same end? Peace. Real peace.