I have to get this off my chest. You live your lives as if your feelings define right and wrong. That is a very dangerous lie. I wish you could see it the way that I do. Anyway, I'm trying to say...
- Why I think you believe this
- Feelings do not measure right and wrong
- Your feelings do not measure right and wrong
Why I think you believe this
My natural communication style is to listen, test, and adapt. I'm fairly quiet around new people. And I try to listen. I learn how they communicate, what they think is important. Then I test and use their reactions to guide how I communicate with them. It works well with professors and teachers.
I feel like the few conversations we've had happened in a vacuum. There was no engagement. No communication. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with that.
When I ask for more information, I simply hear your claims re-iterated. No evidence. No facts. Simply your statement of what you want the truth to be. I hear that I'm wrong. I only hear feeling statements. Feeling statements said as if they are a substitute for facts.
The dictionary defines gossip as casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people, typically involving details that are not confirmed as being true. How many friends have you talked to? How many times did you talk to your mom and not me? With each other? How did you confirm what's true? By asking people who weren't there? By complaining to people who are not involved and can't do anything?
The human brain naturally links memories with emotions. We are supposed to remember similar situations when we feel a certain way. It is also possible to trick this mechanism by repeating a false narrative in relation to the feelings. That narrative becomes true or right. It comes back when the feelings return.
In this way, shame becomes an excuse for revenge rather than a call to fix a problem. When the next person triggers shame, the false narrative takes over, reinforcing itself. Gossip builds that reinforcement. Feelings take over, facts are ignored. And you sincerely believe. Mistaking sincerity for truth.
Feelings do not measure right and wrong
Let's for a moment accept that feelings define right and wrong. I'll also concede, for the sake of argument, that making you feel bad is wrong. That also means making me feel bad is wrong. Correct?
The argument there is that I deserve it. I hurt you first. You were responding to me hurting you. So what about all of the times, as a baby, that you cried because you didn't get your way? That hurt me. Am I not right to get revenge also?
That's the problem with revenge as justification. How far back do you go? And there is always a way to go back. This is the central issue with feelings as moral judgement. Your feelings are under your control, not mine. Using feelings as right and wrong makes me responsible for them. That's simply not true.
You are not responsible for my feelings. When I deal with depression, it's not your fault. When I get mad, it's not your fault. You may have precipitated it with an action. You may be responsible for the consequences (aka Dad's mad at me). But you are not morally culpable for my anger.
Likewise, I am not morally culpable for your feelings - shame, guilt, anger, etc.. We are morally culpable for our actions. Actions based on negative feelings are very often wrong. Feelings may explain an action. Feelings cannot excuse an action.
That difference is very important. Feelings are a part of who you are and how you perceive the universe. They do not excuse what you do. Right and wrong exist outside of feelings. Where?
Your feelings do not measure right and wrong
The last part I want to address is the mistaken belief that only your feelings matter. Saying feelings measure right and wrong is ridiculous, as shown above. Everyone has their own feelings and they can be radically different. No, in order to justify behavior, one must believe that only their own feelings matter.
That's called selfishness. One places themselves at the center of the universe as judge over right and wrong. It's arrogance.
That's the lie at the center of all these things. Nothing I say or do will matter as long as this lie persists. I understand the anger. I am intentionally chipping away at this core tenant. This central belief that you so desperately want to hide. Everyone knows that it's wrong - in someone else.
When the Bible talks about repentance, it means turning away from this lie into the truth that God defines right and wrong. These awful feelings that come with destroying the lie are a beginning, not an end. It feels like death. It is, metaphorically, death. Death to be reborn into life. Life with new feelings. Life based on truth. Let's talk about that. How do we do that?
