Built on Trust

A thought hit me tonight. I've heard it said that relationships are built on trust. What if that's backwards? What if trust is built from the relationship? Hear me out.

Jesus talked about virtues as fruit and the relationship as a tree. The tree grows first. Then it produces fruit. The Bible says we love God because He first loved us. How did He love us? He sent Jesus to die so that He could re-establish a relationship. The fruit comes after the relationship. As a result of the relationship.

My first temptation is to ask am I producing these fruits in other people. I think that's also backwards. I need to ask are the relationships I put myself into producing this fruit in me? I can't choose what fruit someone else grows. I can choose my relationships. What seeds are those relationships planting?

To My Daughters

I realized something the other day. I see beauty in things working together - numbers in math, the science of the universe, computer programs (small statements doing something larger). That's what I wanted for our  family - 5 people working together towards common goals. What were those goals?

• That you would grow up to be wives like the woman described in Proverbs 31.
• Education for a career and vocation.
• Excellence.
• Provide for ourselves so my children don't have to.

I like rest, comfort, nice things. Because Monday morning I go to work and throw my heart and soul into what I do. That's what I want to see in you - throw your heart and soul into it, whatever it happens to be.

Our family didn't work together. I think I followed God's example. Looking back now, anyway. At the time, I couldn't have explained it. I showed your mom love, provision, security, kindness, forgiveness, and trust. I did my job. I fulfilled my responsibilities. I asked your mom to do the same.

I asked her to pick up toys, stuff just left lying around. I asked her to wash the dishes. You know, the ones you ate off of. I asked her to cook dinner. Your dinner. I never asked her to make my lunch, my breakfast. I never thought about it until now. God asks us to treat other people. With all He does for us, He asks us to live the same in gratitude. Not payback, not as if we owe Him anything. But in gratitude. Gratitude knowing that what He gave is far beyond our ability. And what does He do with that? He directs all those virtues (love, joy, peace, kindness, trustworthy, integrity, faithful) at other people. He asks us to treat other people with the same virtues He directs at us.

This is what I wanted you to learn. Excellence isn't about what you get. Its about pouring all of yourself into something that someone else reaps the benefits of. Why? Because God poured all of Himself out for me. Because you deserve the same, in my imperfect, limited way.

I was thinking about Jayme. Sometimes I buy lunch. And she's always quick to try and repay it. No matter how much I insist, she thinks of it as some kind of debt. I have to admit, that's uncomfortable to me. But I understand what drives her. I have the same difficulty accepting gifts. It's part of our sinful flesh. Flesh wants control. Gifts are beyond my control. 

That's not how virtues work. Virtues work when they engender gratitude. You don't have to pay back the person who gave you a gift. You become the kind of person who gives gifts. When someone else's virtue drives you to something greater, that's how it's supposed to work. I never regretted all the time and money I spent (spend) on you girls. It was never about stuff. Or paying back debts, settling accounts.

I planted the seeds God asked me to plant. I showed you who you could be. To work together with God, with every person in the world, all creating something, someone, more than was there before. Virtues, when given away, always produce more than the value of what they were before. And that's the kind of woman Proverbs 31 describes.

Our pastor just started a series on Proverbs. He pointed out that the first 9 chapters all focus on getting us to fall in love with this woman named wisdom. I find it significant that the book ends describing a real world manifestation. A lot of the specifics don't apply. The character does, though. Hard work. Wisdom, which begins with God. A willingness to sacrifice for the people in her care. And even some of those who aren't. Wisdom and character are inseparable. Two sides of the same coin. Working together. Isn't that something beautiful?

Comes in Threes

I've got these three things bouncing around in my head. And for the life of me, I can't find the common thread. Why these? Why now?

1. Zombie

I found a couple of covers of the song Zombie by The Cranberries. Trying to understand the symbolism, it occurs to me that God sees us just like zombies. I mean zombies like from the movies. Walking dead, driven by instinct and hunger, infecting everything they get their hands on.

He created this awesome, perfect universe. Full of animals, amazing views, and that's just on our own little dust ball. Imagine what else might be out there around other stars, or in other galaxies! He puts us right smack dab in the middle. 

The Bible describes us a spiritually dead. We have this craving to drown discomfort, shame, dis-ease. Just like the hunger of a zombie, this desire drives us into destructive behaviors. 

The Bible writers didn't have the plethora of monster movies we enjoy today. But yeah, I think they're describing zombies. We look like a world full of zombies to God. The good news, unlike the movies, God made a way to restore life. We don't have to stay a zombie. In the movies you go from the world of the living to the undead. In real life, you go from undead into life. Cool, huh?

2. The Right Answer

I have a lot of trouble with open ended questions. I absolutely hate the question how are you. People mean so many different things with these same words. It could be a polite introduction to the real conversation. It could be reactive, asked from habit. It could also be someone probing because they think something's wrong. So what's the right answer?

Hopefully you're thinking there is no right answer. And deep in my subconscious, system 1 has been trained to always find the right answer. That's why these kind of questions are so uncomfortable. I realized this morning that this all started with school.

How do you do well in school? You have the right answers. Read the right words. There is an answer and success is finding the right one. 

I learn rules, systems. The rule in that system was find the right answer. A lesson repeated over 17 years. And, I have to be honest, one that ties nicely with immature emotional development. Worst kind of lesson - one that tells me what I want to hear anyway. What does this mean for teaching Vania?

3. Complain and do

Jesus tells a story, recorded in Matthew 21:28-32, about two sons. Each was sent to work by their dad. In modern terms, he told them to go clean their rooms, for us city dwelling folks. One boy says no way, walks off, and regrets his attitude. He goes and cleans his room. No wait, went outside to work. Sorry, I got lost in my analogy of a parable.

The other boy says sure, Dad. Then just wanders off. Jesus poses the question, who really did what they were supposed to?

I thought of this while brushing Vania's hair. That's never pleasant. Her hair gets knots. Lots and lots of knots. Brushing hurts. And she lets me know. Constantly asking when I'm done, how much longer, or asking me to stop. But she lets me do it.

It's hard while the complaining happens. Yet in the end, I'm proud of Vania for doing what needs to be done. Doing what's right.