Letter to a Friend

I came across this passage in the book I'm reading...

When researchers studied awe and beauty, they found an interesting connection: when we experience awe, we move toward others in beneficial ways.

When we are overcome by the grandeur of a snowy mountain peak or delighted by a beautiful song, when we sit silently in an old church and marvel at the way the sunlight seeps through the stained-glass windows, or when we're delighted by our children's squeals as they run through the sprinkler in the backyard, we let go of our "it's all about me" fixation ... less entitled.

Get Out of Your Head, by Jennie Allen, page 128

I immediately thought of both you and Renee. I learn best by contrast - comparing two points of view or examples. So it's not a matter of comparing one person or the other. It's using the differences to understand.

I first thought of dinner at Kermit's Ok Kitchen in Tupelo Mississippi. Or more accurately, dinner at the bank next door because they had the wrong night for a catering engagement. And then the story about the band you sat next to on a flight who gave you concert tickets. And the questions you ask - whales into the ocean, humans out; archaeology; black holes; the universe. You have sense of wonder. Not just for the stuff in the universe but also for the people around you. It's contagious.

On the other hand, I remember one night when I was married to Renee. She had a year left in school. We lived just off campus. It was summer. Classes were out and the campus was pretty deserted. We were walking. I convinced her to sit down for a few minutes. The sun was setting, but still plenty of light. The bugs were chirping. The sky had interesting colors. I asked her to just sit and listen. I like to close my eyes in those moments and hear the sounds, like a blanket. Calm, relaxing. Renee lasted about 2 minutes. I think that was the last time I tried to share a sense of wonder.

That's what I see in the passage above. Renee shows entitlement. You show generosity. I believe that both of these things - wonder and generosity - are symbiotic. They grow and feed off each other. My brain loves cause and effect. Which one comes first? It doesn't matter. Do both. And both get easier.

We talked on Friday about whales going into the ocean and humans leaving it. What I see is the signature of an artist. Combining common elements from His other work while adding something new, unique, and special. For example, you can tell code that I wrote. It has a style, including format, wording, etc.. Your paintings have a style. And yet each is unique. Each script I write is different. Like every other creative work in the world, we put a bit of ourselves into it. We reuse what we learned, what worked, and then add that something new making it special. It doesn't seem odd to me at all that whales and humans share some body structures. It seems wonderful.

Don't ever surrender that sense of wonder.

Built on Trust

A thought hit me tonight. I've heard it said that relationships are built on trust. What if that's backwards? What if trust is built from the relationship? Hear me out.

Jesus talked about virtues as fruit and the relationship as a tree. The tree grows first. Then it produces fruit. The Bible says we love God because He first loved us. How did He love us? He sent Jesus to die so that He could re-establish a relationship. The fruit comes after the relationship. As a result of the relationship.

My first temptation is to ask am I producing these fruits in other people. I think that's also backwards. I need to ask are the relationships I put myself into producing this fruit in me? I can't choose what fruit someone else grows. I can choose my relationships. What seeds are those relationships planting?

To My Daughters

I realized something the other day. I see beauty in things working together - numbers in math, the science of the universe, computer programs (small statements doing something larger). That's what I wanted for our  family - 5 people working together towards common goals. What were those goals?

• That you would grow up to be wives like the woman described in Proverbs 31.
• Education for a career and vocation.
• Excellence.
• Provide for ourselves so my children don't have to.

I like rest, comfort, nice things. Because Monday morning I go to work and throw my heart and soul into what I do. That's what I want to see in you - throw your heart and soul into it, whatever it happens to be.

Our family didn't work together. I think I followed God's example. Looking back now, anyway. At the time, I couldn't have explained it. I showed your mom love, provision, security, kindness, forgiveness, and trust. I did my job. I fulfilled my responsibilities. I asked your mom to do the same.

I asked her to pick up toys, stuff just left lying around. I asked her to wash the dishes. You know, the ones you ate off of. I asked her to cook dinner. Your dinner. I never asked her to make my lunch, my breakfast. I never thought about it until now. God asks us to treat other people. With all He does for us, He asks us to live the same in gratitude. Not payback, not as if we owe Him anything. But in gratitude. Gratitude knowing that what He gave is far beyond our ability. And what does He do with that? He directs all those virtues (love, joy, peace, kindness, trustworthy, integrity, faithful) at other people. He asks us to treat other people with the same virtues He directs at us.

This is what I wanted you to learn. Excellence isn't about what you get. Its about pouring all of yourself into something that someone else reaps the benefits of. Why? Because God poured all of Himself out for me. Because you deserve the same, in my imperfect, limited way.

I was thinking about Jayme. Sometimes I buy lunch. And she's always quick to try and repay it. No matter how much I insist, she thinks of it as some kind of debt. I have to admit, that's uncomfortable to me. But I understand what drives her. I have the same difficulty accepting gifts. It's part of our sinful flesh. Flesh wants control. Gifts are beyond my control. 

That's not how virtues work. Virtues work when they engender gratitude. You don't have to pay back the person who gave you a gift. You become the kind of person who gives gifts. When someone else's virtue drives you to something greater, that's how it's supposed to work. I never regretted all the time and money I spent (spend) on you girls. It was never about stuff. Or paying back debts, settling accounts.

I planted the seeds God asked me to plant. I showed you who you could be. To work together with God, with every person in the world, all creating something, someone, more than was there before. Virtues, when given away, always produce more than the value of what they were before. And that's the kind of woman Proverbs 31 describes.

Our pastor just started a series on Proverbs. He pointed out that the first 9 chapters all focus on getting us to fall in love with this woman named wisdom. I find it significant that the book ends describing a real world manifestation. A lot of the specifics don't apply. The character does, though. Hard work. Wisdom, which begins with God. A willingness to sacrifice for the people in her care. And even some of those who aren't. Wisdom and character are inseparable. Two sides of the same coin. Working together. Isn't that something beautiful?

Comes in Threes

I've got these three things bouncing around in my head. And for the life of me, I can't find the common thread. Why these? Why now?

1. Zombie

I found a couple of covers of the song Zombie by The Cranberries. Trying to understand the symbolism, it occurs to me that God sees us just like zombies. I mean zombies like from the movies. Walking dead, driven by instinct and hunger, infecting everything they get their hands on.

He created this awesome, perfect universe. Full of animals, amazing views, and that's just on our own little dust ball. Imagine what else might be out there around other stars, or in other galaxies! He puts us right smack dab in the middle. 

The Bible describes us a spiritually dead. We have this craving to drown discomfort, shame, dis-ease. Just like the hunger of a zombie, this desire drives us into destructive behaviors. 

The Bible writers didn't have the plethora of monster movies we enjoy today. But yeah, I think they're describing zombies. We look like a world full of zombies to God. The good news, unlike the movies, God made a way to restore life. We don't have to stay a zombie. In the movies you go from the world of the living to the undead. In real life, you go from undead into life. Cool, huh?

2. The Right Answer

I have a lot of trouble with open ended questions. I absolutely hate the question how are you. People mean so many different things with these same words. It could be a polite introduction to the real conversation. It could be reactive, asked from habit. It could also be someone probing because they think something's wrong. So what's the right answer?

Hopefully you're thinking there is no right answer. And deep in my subconscious, system 1 has been trained to always find the right answer. That's why these kind of questions are so uncomfortable. I realized this morning that this all started with school.

How do you do well in school? You have the right answers. Read the right words. There is an answer and success is finding the right one. 

I learn rules, systems. The rule in that system was find the right answer. A lesson repeated over 17 years. And, I have to be honest, one that ties nicely with immature emotional development. Worst kind of lesson - one that tells me what I want to hear anyway. What does this mean for teaching Vania?

3. Complain and do

Jesus tells a story, recorded in Matthew 21:28-32, about two sons. Each was sent to work by their dad. In modern terms, he told them to go clean their rooms, for us city dwelling folks. One boy says no way, walks off, and regrets his attitude. He goes and cleans his room. No wait, went outside to work. Sorry, I got lost in my analogy of a parable.

The other boy says sure, Dad. Then just wanders off. Jesus poses the question, who really did what they were supposed to?

I thought of this while brushing Vania's hair. That's never pleasant. Her hair gets knots. Lots and lots of knots. Brushing hurts. And she lets me know. Constantly asking when I'm done, how much longer, or asking me to stop. But she lets me do it.

It's hard while the complaining happens. Yet in the end, I'm proud of Vania for doing what needs to be done. Doing what's right.

Ripples in a Pond

Something happened this weekend that has been running around in my brain. Vania stayed with me last week, before father's Day. She was scheduled to go home Friday evening, come back here Saturday evening, then go home again Sunday. Seems ridiculous. I thought so too. I asked Renee if Vania could just stay straight through Sunday. Easier on everybody. And Vania loved the idea.

I received this back (paraphrased) - Vania can stay but only if you let me (Renee) pick her up an hour late. The but only if is a direct quote. I called her on it. I don't like being threatened and manipulated. And I gave an example of what the response may have looked like if this were just a request instead.

To that, Renee responded by copy and pasting my words. She literally took my example and repeated it back to me. Remember that Renee believes I try to control her. After all, I expected her, as a stay at home mother, to do housework. This is her excuse to justify rebellion. A victim always has an abuser. As a victim, she believes she is no longer responsible for her actions. It's not my fault. Renee wasn't trying to ask in an appropriate way, she assumed I merely wanted control and if she says the magic words then she gets her way. 

So I didn't agree. Vania stayed until the normal time on Sunday. This whole thing left a bad taste in my mouth. All Saturday night and Sunday day, I wanted to say yes, pick Vania up an hour late. I love spending time with Vania. Having an extra hour is great. And it would have allowed Vania to eat dinner at a more normal time. Besides, it was the kind thing to do.

I struggle with being an authority figure. I'm generous. And like most other states of mind, I go overboard. So I really lean towards the lenient and understanding side of the spectrum. It's difficult for me when I need to be more strict. Like any other emotion, once it starts, it goes full throttle. Standing firm was hard. Really hard. I couldn't give in to a petulant child who feels entitled to getting her own way. Even though what she wanted me to do was the very thing I wanted to do. But taking it instead of receiving it poisoned the act itself.

Colliding With

On the other end of the spectrum, I had lunch with a friend today. She paid for lunch since I bought last time. Like me, she struggles receiving gifts. I feel selfish just accepting something without doing something in return. Which gets interesting when you pair that with an inability to compare the value of unlike items. It takes a conscious effort on my part. And I still feel funny for hours.

I believe my friend feels the same way about receiving. Not the value, she figures that out just fine. She once phrased it as "I don't want to owe anyone". So why is it that I can give a gift without any expectation of return, and still find it so hard to accept that other people can too?

My friend is generous. I think receiving a gift automatically triggers a generosity response. Simply saying thank you doesn't feel like it's enough. Maybe it's also a way of feeling out the relationship. Their generosity triggers gratitude and I want them to feel the same way. Hmm, hadn't considered that before.

Anyway, these two stories have something in common - virtue. Virtues must be given. Forgiveness, kindness, integrity, trustworthiness, patience, etc. cannot be taken. This means that the giver has to want to give them.

No, not quite right. Virtues are states of being. A person is one of these. When you treat them as if they are like that, it allows them to let the virtues shine through. Manipulation is doing something to get someone else to do something. I'm saying you already assume they'll act this way because of who they are inside. Our actions are a response as if the person already acts in this manner. 

I give generously to my friend, who goes home in a good mood and gives generously to her daughter, who gives to her children, etc. Virtues always ripple out, growing in strength as they expand. Sin (aka vice) dampens these ripples. Imagine a universe where everyone behave like Jesus did. And the virtues expand day after day after day after day, without anything holding them back. What would that look like?

100% Character

I'm a big follower of Dave Ramsey's financial advice. I think the most important thing I learned was that it matters more who you are than how much you make. In the Financial Peace University classes, Dave liked to say that personal was 20% knowledge and 80% behavior. Funny thing, it turns out that behavior is 100% character.

Jesus used the example of tree and fruit. A good tree produces good fruit. A bad tree produces bad fruit. If we take fruit as representing behavior, then the outcome of our behavior depends on our character that we put into it. Both trees may grow apples. One apple refreshes and nourishes. The other makes you vomit and wretch for hours. Same behavior. Different outcomes.

This means that the behavior is less important than the spirit that we put into it. Remember the famous verse from Samuel?

Man looks on the outside, but God looks at the heart. 

When I got divorced, a few people expressed disapproval when I linked it with housework. That's like saying the problem is with the apple. It is, and it isn't.

Things are unimportant. They are temporal. Easy replaced. Housework, and apples, are unimportant. Does that mean you should go around eating bad apples that make you sick? Well, no. The problem isn't apples. A bad orange makes you just as sick. The problem stems from a bad tree (pun intended).

Even if I throw out all of the bad fruit this year, guess what happens next year? To carry the analogy, there is now a tree producing nothing usable taking nutrients, space, and other resources from trees that actually do the orchard some good. What happens to the offending tree? You cut it down, burn the wood because of the toxins, burn out the stump, and replace it.

That's exactly how Jesus concludes His word picture. Judgement is not about the things we did. It is based on the spirit of the person who did them. 

People Are Always Rational

In the last installment, I talked about some of my rules. And I realized today that I forgot one. A very important one. People are always rational.

I did not say that you can always understand them. Or that they are even right. Just that they are rational.

Proper Logical Form

A logical argument has two parts - a list of premises followed by a conclusion. For example, in the book of Romans, Paul uses the word therefore many times. He's making a logical argument. Paul presents his premises then draws a conclusion from them. The word therefore signals the conclusion, like the equals sign in math problems.

My senior year of college, I took an elective philosophy course on logic. One of my most enjoyable classes. We spent the semester learning how arguments (logical statements, not fights) are formed and validated. One point in particular stood out - every argument must have proper form, even if the argument itself is wrong. The conclusion cannot be right if the argument is not properly formed. But having the right form does not

automatically make an argument right.

When I say people are always rational, I mean that they always base their conclusions on a set of premises that support that conclusion. This stuff dates back to ancient Greece. And it's still in use today because it works. At some point, everything you do and everything you believe trace back to a set of premises that led you to that conclusion. Every time.

Jesus used the analogy of fruit trees. Good trees have good fruit. Bad trees grow bad fruit. Same idea. Good premises make good arguments. Faulty premises may make a sound (correctly formed) but ultimately wrong conclusion. You can trace every action back to the underlying premises. And every action makes sense in light of those premises.

Crazy People

At this point, you can probably identify several people and/or incidents that make absolutely no sense. Time when people behaved irrationally. I disagree. They behaved perfectly rational, we just don't have all of the premises. 

Walk a mile in their shoes. Look at it from their point of view. These are simpler, less nerdy ways of saying the same thing. People are always rational if you know their premises.

Two things stand out to me. Call them corollaries to the rule. First, being rational and being right are completely separate things. And second, logic doesn't change minds.

The doctor recently put me on diabetes medication. I'm what she called "pre-diabetic". And this was a preventative measure. Anyway, the medicine messed with my blood sugar. Which I feel more than know. Those feelings became premises that led to conclusions such being grumpy when the blood sugar dropped too low. Realizing that didn't change how I felt. It did allow me to change the premise. Raise the blood sugar, grumpy goes away.

Persuasion occurs when you convince the other person to change their premises. When I draw wrong conclusions, that means an underlying premise has to change. The deeper this premise lies, that harder it is to change. Why? Because it affects every conclusion that ever followed.

Down the Rabbit Hole

Okay, so you start looking at all of the assumptions, feelings, and past experiences that shape your conclusions today. If you laid out every single one as a logical argument with premises and conclusions. Then you would have to go back and do the same for each premise. And for each of those premises. And so on. At some point, you reach a premise that you cannot prove.

Faith is the ultimate premise. Let this sink in for a second. Underneath all of your beliefs, all of your actions, everything you think and do, lies one or more assumptions based on nothing but your faith that it's true. We often associate the word faith with church. That's wrong. Every single person can trace back everything they believe to some element of faith - a premise that cannot be proven.

Therefore, right and wrong exist outside of logic. That also means right and wrong are bigger than logic. They can be described. But they can't be defined. Let me clarify, right and wrong exist. I'm merely saying that right and wrong exist at some level outside of our rational minds. And the real question becomes, who or what do you believe is out there, at that level?