I don't like sharing music. I don't want people to know what I'm listening to. I don't have a favorite song. And I won't tell you what type of music I like to hear. Why? Because music evokes emotion. And emotions have to be buried.
In a previous post, I mentioned following some simple rules to get through the complexity of every day life. A friend asked me what those rules were. Honestly, they're so ingrained, I'm not even fully aware of all of them. A really big one is the golden rule - do unto others as you want them to do to you. There are all kinds of sub-points under that one.
That emotion thing is another one of them. I remember riding the school bus one day, staring out the window, and wishing I was more like Mr. Spock on Star Trek - without emotions. Emotions hurt. And not having them is preferable. I've come to learn, after 45 years of struggling, that my emotions aren't normal.
In her book Thinking in Pictures, the author Temple Grandin describes her emotions as childish. That's an apt description. I put this together with Thinking Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman. Emotions feed system 1. One of system 1's abilities involves proportion. System 1 is what allows you to tell if that guy selling you the used car asked a reasonable price. It's what lets you know how angry you should be when your child spills Cheerios all over the couch. System 1 is how you decide when you got a good deal.
I have the emotions of a five year old. They are on and they are off. I feel happy, angry, sad, whatever very intensely or not at all. There is very little leeway.
I have no words for emotions. I can't tell you how I feel. I think in terms of things. Temple Grandin talks about emotions being tied to places. That's very true. Places are things. Music is a thing. I can only express things, not emotions. The problem comes when people focus on the thing instead of the feeling.
I'm sorry, but I'm a sinful person, just like the rest of you. And some of the things that pop into my brain aren't nice. Aren't pure. I get angry. It comes out as yelling, raised voice, and some verbal strikes. All of which is an emotional expression. So how do you think it feels when the only things anyone cares about is the yelling? See, when you say "stop yelling", I hear "stop feeling".
I spent my entire life listening to mantras like control your temper, sex outside of marriage is wrong, think pure thoughts. And - let me say for the record - all of them are true. But what do you do when those things are the only expression you have for what you feel?
I guess there's one last point that I want to make - I know the difference between what I think and what I do. In my mind, there is a very, very sharp difference between what I imagine and what I will actually do. Just because the thing is expressed does not mean I should or would act on it. The thing doesn't matter. It is merely an expression. The feeling matters.
I think of Vania. I think of a friend's daughter who cannot keep lists in order. None of the social norms work. You cannot train them like other children. It's like letting them loose on the open ocean in the dark, and telling them to just swim to shore. They cannot be taught through system 1. I get that. I can't learn through system 1 either.
And no, I still won't share my music.
