Ask

Lucy,

I've been reading a book about prayer. Some of the men at church recommended it. I honestly expected a more detached approach. I have been pleasantly surprised. Not just with the author's writing style, but also with the things that I learn.

The chapter today can be summed up in one word - ask. When Vania was young, I made a conscious decision to give her what she asked for if there wasn't a reason for saying no. This was before she could speak. I watched her get so frustrated trying to communicate. Her physical limitations held her back. It occured to me that she could very easily fall into feeling helpless.

I wanted Vania to experience a feeling of power over her world. I wanted her to learn hope. I taught her to ask.

I use the word ask loosely in this context. For a while, ask meant point and grunt. Even now, ask can be more of a statement than a question. The form of asking isn't important. The heart of asking is.

Lucy, don't you deserve the same power over your world? Why didn't you ask? I don't mean that as an accusation. I mean it as a legitimate question, what stopped you from asking?

I would guess that it boils down to shame and control. Our brains (mine included) love excuses. God would never give me that. I'm just being selfish. Or I deserve... Asking takes humility. The very act of iasking acknowledges that someone has something we need and the power to withhold it. We fear power because we don't trust. 

Ironically, trust also takes humility. I know they can hurt me. I am trusting they won't. Our experience in this world tells me to expect to get hurt. That's why God is so big on forgiveness. He acknowledges that pain is real, and also acknowledges it isn't supposed to be this way. There is more than this world. He is more than this world.

Do you remember in Spring Hill, the lid on my box of tools was left open to the rain? Several of them rusted from the water. I remember it because it was one of the very few times I punished you. The rarity of it is a good thing. The punishment was cleaning the rust off those tools. I suspect that you internalized the embarrassment that you felt. I do the same thing. 

What happened to our relationship after that? When shame stays inside, it rots. When it rots, it becomes bitterness. Bitterness eats its host, like a virus. This is a tiny example of our relationship with God.

Coming to Him exposes our shame. And coming to Him also wipes our shame away - after we face it. God even helps me through that. Start to finish, it is all His work. I just have to get out of His way. Somehow, even that is hard. 

When Uncle Scott and I would fight, Grandmom always said "what would our family be like if your dad and I treated each other that way?" It never stopped Uncle Scott and I. We still fought. But that satyed with me. It's how I learned to look at relationships. 

Ask yourself honestly, why do you want to fight? I know the excuses. They're not the truth. Lucy, I can only speak to my own heart. I can tell you about my struggles and what I think, if you ask. You have to find your own. No one knows you better than the God who loved you enough to bring you into a universe that He created for you. 

I don't understand how God manages a crowd of humanity and still involves Himself in my everyday life. Out of a crowd of millions or billions, He still knows me. Better than I know me. And while He has this big huge plan for all of eternity, He is still in each moment just with me alone. And you, and Grandmom, and Pop-pop, etc.. 

Wives and Husbands

Tyler did an excellent job Sunday in part 1 of a 2 part sermon over 1 Peter 3. Yes, this is the passage that starts out wives, obey your husbands. He started out with the observation that there is a spectrum of how pastors apprach this passage. The one extreme, which seems to be most dominant, is to qualify the passage to death. These sermons spend an nordinate amount of time saying what Peter didn't mean and very little time on what he did. Tyler intentinally tried to move more towards the middle.

I'm not so patient. I'm just going to jump right to the other side and say, without any qualification, that if you are a wife you have a responsibility to obey your husband. This passage immediately follows Peter's call for servants to obey their masters. Or in more modern terms, employees obey your boss. And it precedes the call for children to obey your parents. I think that God views all 3 of these relationships the same way, in terms of day to day operation.

I'm a huge fan of Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace. When it comes to personal finance, Dave says to lok at yourself as You, Inc.. You are a business. And in making financial decisions, act and think like a business. Businesses turn a profit from which they can expand, reward hard work, and be charitable. Dave also says that the only ship that doesn't sail is a partnerSHIP. That is true in all of our human relationships, even marriage.

There are never two equals. One will always dominates the other. That is the nature of free will. If we all agreed then there really is no choice. In a friendship, you will bth move in and out of the dominate role. If one person feels unequal, then they simply avoid the relationship.

That is much more difficult in a business. Nothing would ever get done if employees quit over every disagreement. In an effort to maintain the relatinship, both parties agree on the dominate and submissive role. I obey my boss.  Now, through God's providence, I work for someone who elects to accept my input. And I constantly remind myself that she is not obligated to do that. It is a reflection of her character (a good reflection, in my opinion).

Peter sets the same thing up in marriage. Like a business, one person has been assigned the dominate role. I cannot say this strongly enough - marriage is not a partnership of equals. It is a boss/employee, or servant/master relationship. And I am not going to qualify it at all. No if's, and's, or but's. The passage is very, very clear.

Peter understood the objections, especially regarding abusive relationships. He addresses it right there - obey anyway and let God use your example. Does this mean a wife should never leave an abusive husband? No. It means that as a wife, you need a strong, deep relationship with your Heavenly Father. And if He tells you to leave, then don't hesitate. But just like a boss r husband, the choice is His to make, not yours.

And this is where I think we go so wrong. God has always been about building relationships. Like children, He starts us with a few simple rules and principles. Then expands on them as the relationship blossoms. The default, the start, is that wives surrender their right to make these choices. They vow obedience, meaning that the final decision rests with their husband.

If you are a wife (or ex-wife) looking for an excuse, throwing out objections and what if, I am saying that you are approaching it all wrong. You are looking for a way to do what is wrong. Instead, you should be looking for more ways of doing what is right. Stop searching for the boundaries of obedience. Start looking for the deep inner field far away from the scraggly edges that is full of soft grass and bubbling brooks. If you go looking for the edge of the cliff, you'll just fall over.

Does this offend you? It should. You should feel this deep inside. Because that is our fallen nature, the one that rebels against God's authority in all of its forms. You are entirely correct that your husband, no matter how well intentioned, at some point will abuse this for a selfish end. And as a husband, I accept that you will, at sme point, disbey for equally selfish reasons. Now we have a conversation about forgiveness. But these facts do not, in any way, change God's authority structure. Marriage, like every ther business on the planet, will never work without obedience.

I want to end with the example that comes to my mind - my grandparents. My grandmother was Italian. Full bloded Italian. She told her father that she could never marry an Italian man because there was only ne head of the house. My brother and I could hear my grandparentds arguing. Even if we were there, my grandmother did not back down from giving my grandfather her opinion. My paresnts once jked they could start a reality TV show - MeeMaw and PeePaw. 

I remember sitting in their downstairs, watching TV, hearing them argue through the thin walls of my grandfather's study. He had donated money to some conservative cause. And my grandmother didn't agree with it. They yell back and forth. And when they were done, she comes out, winks at us, then went upstairs and cooked dinner. I realized something that time, that my grandmother went into that argument aknowing she was going to do whatever my grandfather decided. She said her piece, believe me. And she left the decision in his hands. She went upstairs and did the most loving thing she could - made dinner.

I know that my grandparents had some very rough times, long before I was born. I don't pretend it was easy for my grandmother or grandfather. I do know that they both spent time every day reading God's Word and praying. And instead of arguing over who was in control, they argued over facts and opinions. Leaving God always in control. My grandfather was a wonderfully generous man. My grandmother's submission allowed God to direct his generosity. Whereas her control would have killed it. God works when our hearts line up with His. Blind obedience makes no sense. Then again, neither does one righteous man dying for the sins of the world. Somehow, God makes it work.

Forgiveness

Renee wanted to talk to Vania on the phone last night. Vania was at Deanna's apartment. So I e-mailed Renee that Vania wasn't available. Her reply: thanks for letting me know. And here's the really weird part - it made me angry. 

I'm trapped in Renee's pattern again. Renee did something hurtful. She is in the wrong. Then she pretends that nothing happened. Renee purposefully acts as if it's all my fault because I was hurt. She feels entitled to get away with what she did. That's our relationship. 

This is not what Jesus meant when He asked us to forgive. This is enablement. Renee wants to continue in her sin. It is a means of deflecting responsibility for what's been done. It is avoidance, not righteousness. It is a lie.

Renee did not decide to be polite on her own. Well, maybe, but given what I know about her, there is someone else in the background telling her this is a good idea. This person listened to Renee's lies, accepted them as their own, and acted on that belief. They put their faith in Renee. They judged me, based on a lie, without any regard for the truth. That bothers me. Okay, way too light. That makes me angry.

Judge Not

Almost everyone has heard where Jesus said "judge not lest ye be judged" (KJV). It comes from the passage where He talks about trying to take out a speck of dust from someone else while there's a log in your eye. Our pastor described it as a large beam stuck in your head, smacking everyone as you keep turning around. I picture the Three Stooges swinging a ladder around.

Jesus wasn't telling us to stop judging. He told us the right way to reach a judgement. Look inside first. Is this really something God wants said? Am I satisfying my own need to feel superior? Jesus says connect with our Heavenly Father first. That doesn't always mean I'm right. It does mean that either way, I learn something about Him, about me, and His relationship with me. Yes, sometimes God lets me get it wrong so that I learn what He already knew.

Jesus told a famous parable about forgiveness. A guy owes his boss $500,000. He doesn't have the money and begs the boss for more time. The boss forgives the entire $500,000 debt outright. The man leaves and runs into a buddy who owes him $100. The buddy doesn't have the money yet and asks to wait until payday. The man gets furious and starts berating the guy. The boss gets wind of the incident. He calls the guy back in and tells him to pay the full $500,000. The point being, extend forgiveness because we're forgiven.

Being me, I notice something else about this story: you are not entitled to forgiveness. Even in dealing with other people, they are not required to forgive you. You have an obligation. If they forgive you, then that speaks to their character. If they don't, then you still have to speak to your character.

Renee grew up in family constantly in debt, behind in payments, taking things that aren't theirs. You can see it even in the way they treat each other. Pretending you did nothing wrong is normal for her. Righteousness comes from herself, her insistence on the truth of delusions, aka self-righteousness. And yes, that makes me angry. We all have hot buttons. This one is mine.

I rely on open and honest communication. I have a huge blind spot relationally. And I cannot navigate a relationship with explicit directions. If someone is busy covering up their sin, they certainly aren't having open communication. And it's impossible for me to relate. I'm not talking about tact. Tact is telling me in a manner that best suits the circumstances. Tact is different from deceit. This is deceit - pretending that a lie is true. Odd, I hadn't planned on this coming full circle.

Disclaimer

Before anybody freaks out, let me throw in this disclaimer. While you are not entitled to forgiveness, I try and adopt a stance that forgiveness is the first route. Notice even in Jesus' parable that the boss forgave the guy at the outset. Forgiveness is how God always intended us to relate with each other. And ironically, forgiveness is what builds strong relationships. Sacrifice being right for a deeper connection with another person.

Here Nor There

 I remember you telling me once about hearing "I just like having you here". You feel insulted, like an object to be possessed. This popped into my brain while I was reading this morning. 

I would tell you the same thing. I tell Vania all the time. Though I have to admit, it probably has a better effect surrounded by "I love you". It's not a statement of possession. It's a statement of intimacy.

I can't speak for any one else. I just know for myself, that the words you hear and the meaning I intend to convey don't match. I attach emotions with places. That probably sounds very strange. I didn't realize until reading Temple Grandin's book Thinking in Pictures. All of my memories and dreams are about places. The house I grew up in. The school I went to. Church. College.

There were people in those places. But my connection is with the place. Other places don't exist. Really. I have a difficult time grasping the reality that there is way more to the world than the place I can see. It just doesn't register emotionally. And when that reality intrudes, it is emotionally jarring. I think that's a large part of my reluctance to visit new places. And why I am thankful for friends who drag me along.

My connection with people has always been tenuous. It's not a lack of desire or disregard for their value. I just can't connect with someone who is in a different place. It feels alien. I can't imagine Deanna and Lucy in school. Their school time was separate, different, foreign. Intellectually, I know they were at school, walking hallways, sitting in lectures. But somehow it isn't real. There's no connection.

I'm getting off topic. The idea of sharing a place with someone else is an expression of emotional connection. Or the desire for emotional connection. We have a place connects easier with me than you and I. Vania and I can sit on the couch doing completely different things. I watch TV. She plays on her tablet. Yet we still connect emotionally.

In Dungeons and Dragons, characters have this measure called presence. That's how I think of it, I enjoy her presence. I enjoy classical music, bluegrass, museums, watching sports live, the beach, the forest, etc.. I like sharing those things with someone else, way more than the thing itself. "I like having you here" means that you bring something special those things can't. And it's an admission that I want more of it.

Like I said, I can only speak for myself. If I were the one saying to you "I just like having you here", it isn't a declaration of possession. It's an expression of emotion. Granted, a struggling expression. A seed trying to break through its own husk and take root. And fertilized, it will grow, looking more and more like what you expect.

Anyway, another perspective.

Start

 To my daughter...

You know how important you are to me. I'm writing this so you can read it on your own terms - as opposed to another dad lecture. We both know that you're a fine young adult. Old habits die hard.

You seem to be searching for something, moving from job to job. I would like to suggest that what you're looking for will only be found in Christ. Every step of the way, He has provided for you. Each of these jobs that seem to come out of nowhere are examples of His hand moving. The dissatisfaction you feel inside comes from a conflict between what He wants and what your own desire for control. And I say this from experience - long, hard experience.

We live under the illusion that our lives are full of choices. What do I wear today, do I call in sick, what to eat. I propose that we use these "decisions" as a distraction from the real choice we face every second of every day - do I live in hope or in fear. 

You dressed very nicely last night for taking pictures - hope. When I feel down, I dress in sweats and dumpy t-shirts. I eat better when there's hope. Comfort food is usually not the healthiest. See how the simple choice between hope and fear shapes all the other things?

That's why the Bible focusses so much on the hope we find in Christ. It says perfect love drives out fear. Hope is the mechanism. Faith in the love of Christ gives hope for the future (1 Corinthians 13:13).

The way we do that is by building a relationship with Jesus. I just finished reading the book The Four Loves, by C.S. Lewis. Lewis describes four different types of love. What struck me most was that each type never exists independently. They all build on each other. The more intimate forms are always built on top of the other forms. All close relationships begin with the generic love of affection.

I point that out to say, just start. How doesn't matter. Read the book I gave you. Read the Bible. Yell about all the terrible things going wrong. Cry and be afraid. Write morning pages. Go to church. It doesn't matter. Pick one. Make one up. Just start. There is no wrong way. And there is no right way. Christ doesn't wait for us to reach Him. He meets us where we are. So be there, and let Him be there with you. (Revelations 3:20)

God has a plan for you. You are important to Him, much more than you are important to me. He has spent a considerable amount of time and energy making sure that whatever happens, it doesn't kill you. Waiting patiently for you to allow Him to have a relationship with you.

Let me end by saying how proud I am of you. You have shown an immense amount of maturity. Doing whatever it takes to fulfill your responsibilities. And taking responsibility for your own life. God has the plan and the power for you to accomplish amazing things. Find that strength. There will be no stopping you.

Love, Dad.

Addiction as a Spiritual Problem

 I'm in a literal mood today. That's the premise of this conversation - addiction is, at its core, a spiritual problem. 

A while ago, I described how much I like rules. Some recent events brought it back to mind, along with the most basic rules I have. They start with the name God used for Himself - I am. Personally, I think that is just the best name. Two simple words, yet they carry so much weight. God declares that He exists and that He exists separate from us. Descartes said I think, therefore I am. God starts even simpler with no justification or primary cause. Anyway, it leads me to these rules.

1. God exists.
2. God is personal.
3. There is right and wrong.
4. Everybody rebels against what is right.
5. We know the rebellion is wrong.
6. We lie to ourselves in an effort to cover it up.
7. And by "we", I mean me and everybody else in this world.

This all started with my daughter Deanna. She is in the middle of transitioning jobs. In order to make ends meet, she sold her bed and her Nintendo Switch. The bed was one that she purchased by saving her chore money. She worked for that bed. I'm very proud of her for digging in and fulfilling her responsibilities. She sacrificed to do what was right.

It reminded me of a friend who has also stepped up in her life and taken responsibility. She is currently struggling with some habits that she wants to give up. And that brings me to the topic at hand.

We feel it, in our spirit, when we fight with God. I don't want to what He asks. I want to twist it to make it mine. He asks for generosity, it becomes a way to control - indebt - people. Even something as simple as writing this post becomes a days long struggle with depression, eating, and a bunch of other stuff. All because He asked me to do it. The rebellious part of me doesn't want to. Consciously, I do want to obey. Yet there still exists a piece that fights tooth and nail against it.

That's why addiction is so easy. Repetition trains our body. I felt good once doing X. X felt good the second time too. Whenever I want to feel good, I should do X. I feel bad when I don't get my way. So I'll do X to feel better without facing the underlying issue.

Gossip

 Someone in our small group brought up a devotional about gossip. It sparked some good discussion about what is gossip. I think of two examples.

Person A talks about how this or that person made them feel bad. They did something to hurt person A. This person even has special code phrases. Their words sounded like they were just sharing, letting me inside their head. They recounted events like facts. They complained. And nothing changed. 

Person B sounds, to my ears, very similar to person A. They talk about their interactions with other people. Describe what happened, how they felt, internalizes what happened, and deals with the relationship. Person B also complains about their job and coworkers from time to time. Then deals with the problem.

I believe person A gossips and person B does not. Why? For person B, I'm a sounding board. They have not asked me to take their problem or assume responsibility. Sometimes, person B wants my input. And sometimes, they simply need to share a burden. Person B asks for strength and wisdom. These are things that I can give.

Person A expected something from me - usually judgement against another person. Other times they expected me to assume their responsibility. I think this is a major component of gossip. The gossiper takes something from the person listening. They take something that isn't mine to give.

Not a very satisfying definition, is it?