Rules for Living

In an earlier post, I mentioned some simple rules that I follow. A friend asked me what those rules were. I have to admit that I don't know (or realize) all of them. One that stood out today - no one wants to listen. My life is boring. I don't tell a good story. And no one really wants to listen to me complain. Or that's the rationalization.

So that begs the question - what am I rationalizing? Talking is hard. I don't know why. I have never been able to follow conversations. This goes back to that system 1 (the automatic system) and system 2 (the thinking system). I live the majority of my life in the thinking system (2). Conversations rely heavily on the automatic system (1). Try this little experiment - list out the cues you use to know when it's your turn to speak. I'll wait...

My guess is that you couldn't really come up with many. Certainly not a comprehensive list. Then add the extra complexity that every person involved is different - sending out different signals. The thinking system works with rules and algorithms. What's the algorithm for something you can't define? I don't know either. So it takes a lot of mental energy to figure out when it's okay to speak. I just don't have that kind of time. Thinking is slow.

Now let's add one more dimension - the lies we tell ourselves. I lie to myself. That's what rationalization is - a lie I tell myself to justify something I want to do (usually something wrong). I know that I do this. And I spend energy vetting the things I say. So not only do I expend energy thinking about when to say it, but also what to say. Is it appropriate? Is it selfish? Am I complaining or expressing emotion in a healthy way? What is the algorithm for that?

Want to know how I came up with the last paragraph? It's exactly what went through my head when I decided to write this. Seriously, I almost went for my walk first and did the dishes, I've found these things are blocks. They are blocking me from doing the thing God asked me to do. Why? Because I'm still broken and my human nature is directly opposed to what God wants. My natural instinct is to do anything but what He asked me to do. I block His voice by filling my time with other stuff. Some of it may be important or valuable. But it's not what He asked me to do right in this moment.

In The Artist's Way, author Julia Cameron gives 10 principle of creativity. One that really stands out to me is the refusal to be creative is self-will and is counter to our true nature. Blocks represent a refusal to be creative. God is a creator. The Bible even starts that way - in the beginning, God created. The things He commands us to do are creative - build up people, build things, do something that makes the world a little better than it was. My refusal to obey Him is a refusal to be creative. And it is putting my will over His.

Rules and Laws

So now I'm going to totally change direction and make one last point. The apostle Paul, in one of his letters, says that we're no longer under the law of sin and death, but the law of life. What exactly is the law of life?

The law of sin and death he referred to meant the old Mosaic law. You know, the 10 commandments, the book of Deuteronomy, all that Old Testament stuff - obey or else. To the Jews it meant dietary restrictions, work restrictions, rules about how to do things. And these were very detailed laws. Breaking one meant that you had to kill an animal. Seriously, something had to die.

That law was specifically designed to point out everything you did wrong. Nobody, and I mean nobody, could possibly keep it perfectly. Jesus even came along later and said that merely thinking about breaking it was exactly the same as breaking it. This is the law of sin and death. Hopeless. Mean. Disheartening.

But Jesus kept that law. And He still suffered the penalty for breaking it - death. He did that in our place. So, as Paul says, put us under the law of life. Imagine your entire life laid out as marbles. Each marble represents something you did. And we sort them into two bowls - good and bad. The law of sin looked at the bad bowl. When Jesus took our sin, the bad bowl goes away. What's left?

Well, the good bowl of course. See? The old law focused on what you did wrong. The new law looks at what you did right. The old law brought a penalty for failure. The new law is about a reward for success. This is what Paul means by law of life. You get something for following it. Not lose something when you don't.

Now read Galatians 5 with this in mind. We are free from the penalty. No matter what you do, there is no penalty. Paul then goes to the flip side - do good things because you're building a reward. Yes, you can do anything, but why would you want to miss out on everything God wants to give you?

So now answer this question, are you afraid of someone who is looking for a reason to give you what you want? Well no. We're afraid of people who want to hurt us. The old law hurt. The new law - life - is all about our good. We're no longer slaves. I don't have to worry about the times I fail. I can find God's peace in the moments I obey.

I'll admit, that's still hard for me to live. My feelings tell a different story.

Music

I don't like sharing music. I don't want people to know what I'm listening to. I don't have a favorite song. And I won't tell you what type of music I like to hear. Why? Because music evokes emotion. And emotions have to be buried.

In a previous post, I mentioned following some simple rules to get through the complexity of every day life. A friend asked me what those rules were. Honestly, they're so ingrained, I'm not even fully aware of all of them. A really big one is the golden rule - do unto others as you want them to do to you. There are all kinds of sub-points under that one.

That emotion thing is another one of them. I remember riding the school bus one day, staring out the window, and wishing I was more like Mr. Spock on Star Trek - without emotions. Emotions hurt. And not having them is preferable. I've come to learn, after 45 years of struggling, that my emotions aren't normal.

In her book Thinking in Pictures, the author Temple Grandin describes her emotions as childish. That's an apt description. I put this together with Thinking Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman. Emotions feed system 1. One of system 1's abilities involves proportion. System 1 is what allows you to tell if that guy selling you the used car asked a reasonable price. It's what lets you know how angry you should be when your child spills Cheerios all over the couch. System 1 is how you decide when you got a good deal.

I have the emotions of a five year old. They are on and they are off. I feel happy, angry, sad, whatever very intensely or not at all. There is very little leeway.

I have no words for emotions. I can't tell you how I feel. I think in terms of things. Temple Grandin talks about emotions being tied to places. That's very true. Places are things. Music is a thing. I can only express things, not emotions. The problem comes when people focus on the thing instead of the feeling.

I'm sorry, but I'm a sinful person, just like the rest of you. And some of the things that pop into my brain aren't nice. Aren't pure. I get angry. It comes out as yelling, raised voice, and some verbal strikes. All of which is an emotional expression. So how do you think it feels when the only things anyone cares about is the yelling? See, when you say "stop yelling", I hear "stop feeling".

I spent my entire life listening to mantras like control your temper, sex outside of marriage is wrong, think pure thoughts. And - let me say for the record - all of them are true. But what do you do when those things are the only expression you have for what you feel?

I guess there's one last point that I want to make - I know the difference between what I think and what I do. In my mind, there is a very, very sharp difference between what I imagine and what I will actually do. Just because the thing is expressed does not mean I should or would act on it. The thing doesn't matter. It is merely an expression. The feeling matters.

I think of Vania. I think of a friend's daughter who cannot keep lists in order. None of the social norms work. You cannot train them like other children. It's like letting them loose on the open ocean in the dark, and telling them to just swim to shore. They cannot be taught through system 1. I get that. I can't learn through system 1 either.

And no, I still won't share my music.

Thinking Out Loud

I've been reading the book Thinking Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman. Mr. Kahneman describes our decision making as 2 systems - system 1 and system 2. It's a helpful metaphor. Oversimplifying, System 1 would be things like intuition, feelings, and instinct. System 2 is conscious thought, reasoning, and calculations.

I realize that I live most of my life in system 2. Something about system 1 is broken. Or maybe the connections between the two systems are broken. I don't really understand the mechanics.

For example, what comes to mind when you see the word peace? Now that you're back from your happy place, how were you feeling? Did you have an emotional reaction of peace?

In my brain, peace is not a feeling. It is the absence of chaos. It's nothingness. But that's not really what peace is, is it? I don't have a peaceful life. I have an empty life. Empty of the noise. System 1 doesn't register peace like it should.

Because of stuff like that, I go into all human interactions using system 2. Ponder that for a second. My brain thinks, calculates, reasons about every human interaction. That makes them very tiring, difficult. Worse, relationships are too complicated for system 2. People are too complicated. There are no rules that express their complexity. So I don't feel connected.

I apply some simple rules that get me through the day. It isn't a lack of caring. It isn't a dislike or desire to be alone. To me, this is normal.

Now having said all of that, I know that peace is more than the absence of chaos. I've felt peace, solely through God's grace. It came in a few brief moments when I needed Him the most. But without His constant presence, I don't feel peace. And that messes with my head. It gives a foot hold to doubt - is something wrong with me? Am I not doing enough, being enough?

The answer is no. God loves me, broken as I am. Someone once told me that I was very personable. They're right. I learned some easy rules for smooth interactions. But I have a an almost impossible time bridging that gap into something deeper - even with people I know and trust, it's still unsettling to interact.

In those moments of peace, God assures me that He loves me. Even though I can't feel it, I remember. And one day, when He walks with us again, His strength will be enough to overcome the noise and static in my brain. One day, I'll feel a whole range of emotions, just like He does. A life I've never known.

Those brief moments (I can count them on one hand) are hope. They are the promise of my future. He reaches us all in different ways. He knows our deepest longings. And He promises to fulfill them. This is what makes God personal. A person, who wants a relationship with me, with you. And that's the hope - He's personal. Jesus is the one who makes this relationship possible. He stands in the gap - speaking the words I don't have. Watching. Guiding. Holding. Asking - before I know to ask. Jesus is why God can come to me.

Plus Love

Can we revisit the discussion about obedience and compliance? I missed something important. The difference between obedience and compliance is love. In math terms (yes, I'm a nerd), Obedience = Compliance + Love.

This little revelation made me wonder about the other fruits of the spirit - joy, peace, faith, kindness. In 1 Corinthians 13, Paul says ...but do not have love, then I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. Imagine a loud, obnoxious noise. Cymbals are great - as part of an orchestra. But you don't find many solos. You can comply, not fight, smile a lot, and even hold the door for people. Without love, those acts have no meaning, no substance.

The cymbals enhance an orchestra. They bring something extra to the piece, at just the right moment, as part of a larger whole. Love is that whole. The acts, the things that you do, are crashing cymbals. As part of a symphony, they enhance and bring out the music that is there behind them. By themselves, well, it makes a noise and goes away.

Jesus always focused on our relationship with God. His death, His teaching, His life all centered on His and our relationship. Obedience isn't just doing what's asked - following the rules. It's doing what isn't asked. It's knowing another person so well that you can anticipate their wants and needs, and doing those even before they know it. Do you get that reading a rule book?

Rules are important. They are the starting point of a relationship. Rules set boundaries. And when you're starting a relationship, the rules provides points of discussion. As you bump into the boundaries, you get to know the other person and they get to know you. You work together adjusting boundaries, opening fences, and becoming of one mind.

We've talked before about thinking in pictures. I picture structures. When I learn your rules, I learn about you. As I picture the structure, I can feel like I know you more. The same is true of my relationship with God. He gave me rules in the Bible. And as I talk to Him about them, He teaches me new things about Himself. See, when I love Him, I look at Him, not the rules. The rules become a means to an end.

The author of Hebrews talks about faith - the faith of Abraham, Jacob. Moses, Sarah. Faith = Belief + Love. You can believe in God intellectually. But until you love Him, it's not faith. In Matthew 7, Jesus says not everyone who calls me Lord, Lord will enter the kingdom of heaven. How do you turn knowledge into faith? How do you add love to belief? I don't know.

For me, it took an example of love from people who aren't believers to understand God's love for me. That's the thing - we're all different. And God knows You in a way that is more personal than any human being can ever know You. What He promises is that if You look, He will be there. God doesn't hide Himself, playing hard to get. It just takes a lot for us to look past our own fears, our own wants, our own selves. We spend so much effort trying to be the center, that we instinctively pull away from Him as our center. This is the deepest feeling in human beings. The one thing that motivates all of the destructive and evil things we hate about ourselves. The real question is, where do you go from here?

The Nature of Things

So today's sermon at church came from Matthew 7:15-20. Batman (in Batman Begins) paraphrased this passage nicely when he said it's not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me. Jesus used fruit, speaking to an agricultural audience. Same idea. What you do is a reflection of who you are.

So this is how these things go in my brain - something starts me down a path, such as thinking about our innate nature. And a few things happen that strengthen the idea. Then out of nowhere, it's front and center. I want to say that this train of thought started with some remarks by a radio DJ. And today was God re-emphasizing its importance.

God wants our obedience. Not so that we'll do what He says. But because the things that He asks us to do are good. When an artist paints, they put a bit of themselves into the painting. The paints, the canvas, none of that has any meaning or value. The person behind it, the painter who opened a bit of their heart, that gives a painting value.

Back to the fruit analogy. Jesus talked about good trees producing good fruit - you know, crunchy apples, juicy peaches. The kind of stuff you eat, enjoy, and it gives you energy to go do something else in return. The kind of fruit that has more of an impact than the space it occupies.

Why? Because that's its nature. When Jesus talks about our relationship with God, He always refers to our character, not our actions - "love me", "I and the Father are one", "if you love me, then you will obey", "believe". There was nothing magical or mystical about the animal sacrifices. God was teaching us about our relationship with Him. A broken relationship. They had to keep doing the sacrifices because they kept sinning.

The law only shows us what we can't do. God looks at what we can do. He sees you as the person He created you to be. A reflection of His glory. Majestic. Powerful. Good. And everything He has done, all of the trials in life, all of the crazy history of the church, was all about transforming you into the person He knows You to be. To change your nature.

Jesus wasn't telling the people to follow the rules. He was telling them that the rules aren't thing that matters. Who you are, the person you become, matters. And this is why Jesus Himself says that He came to save sinners. He knows perfectly well that I won't stop sinning just because. But He does know that one day, when it's all said and done, when He finally gathers everyone God placed in His care, the work will be done. And what God has started will finish.

When God can once again walk among us. And we reflect His nature. Then, and only then, can we live the life He has always seen for us. When our nature becomes like His nature. And who we are, what we do, will be who He is. That's my hope.

Running water

Revelation 3:15-17 paints a picture of stagnant water - warm, yucky, bad water.

¹⁵ ‘I know your deeds, that you are neither cold (invigorating, refreshing) nor hot (healing, therapeutic); I wish that you were cold or hot. ¹⁶ So because you are lukewarm (spiritually useless), and neither hot nor cold, I will vomit you out of My mouth [rejecting you with disgust]. 

I was thinking about change. Imagine your life as a running stream. The water in the stream today is not the same water that was there yesterday. It's always new, always fresh - clear, cold, and invigorating. Now compare that with a puddle, a pool, that's been sitting still for months - full of algae, rank, green. Both bodies of water changed. In the running stream, change brings life. Life for the water and for those touched by the water. In the standing pool, change means death. The stream changes for good. The pool, well, not so good.

Change is inevitable. I once read that relationships are always changing. Know why? Because people are always changing. Just like the water, you are always changing. The only control you have comes from choosing to be the pool or the stream. Will the change be good, or bad?

You may have heard the old saying people never change. It's actually true. I can hear the quizzical look on your face. I just said people are always changing and that they never change. It's perfectly true, people never change. They are changed. On my own, under my control, I cannot change. But I can be changed. The water in the stream doesn't change itself. Gravity and pressure make the water flow. Some force outside of the water changes it. Left on its own, the water becomes a pool.

Why am I writing this? Because one of the biggest ways we change is through obedience. Remember the last letter talked about compliance and obedience? Rules can only tell you what you've done wrong. Think about the driver's manual, when it discusses the right of way. The law never gives one vehicle or person the right of way. The motor vehicle laws only tell you who has to give up the right of way. Rules never make anything you do right. They can only make some of the things you do wrong.

That's why compliance fails. Compliance gives power to the rules. Obedience gives power to a person - especially when that person is God. God gave us rules for the sole purpose of showing us that we can't keep them. Not to frustrate us, but to drive us to Him. Jesus says "I didn't come to abolish the law, I came to fulfill it." Obedience over compliance. When we obey, there is no need for rules.

One day, you will find someone to marry. You will stand in front of a whole lot of people and repeat words like love, honor, and obey (or submit if you're more modern). I want you to understand that promise. I don't care about chores. I care about you. I care about all of the lives you will touch. And I want you to be cold, refreshing water. Leaving strength and life everywhere you go. This is only the beginning.

To obey or not?

I want to talk to you about the chores. Yes, again - I see you rolling those eyes, missy :)

In all seriousness, though, I do want to talk. We have three rules - put things where they belong, open the blinds, and empty the trash when the lid doesn't close anymore. The truth is, those rules are arbitrary. The rules themselves are, well, minor and unimportant in the grand scheme of things. What is important is obedience.

Rhetorical question - what's the difference between compliance and obedience? Think about that for just a minute. I'll wait. La-la-la-ta-da-la-ta-da. Okay, this is what I think...

Compliance is the act of doing what is requested. Obedience is giving the other person something that they desire, spiritually. Compliance is physical, Obedience is spiritual. What's the difference?

We obey out of love. We obey because our relationship with someone else matters more to us than our own selfish desires. Obedience always involves death. Every time you obey, you die to your flesh. That's why it is so hard. Because our flesh fights tooth and nail for its life. It does not want to submit to the spirit.

In John 14:15, Jesus tells Phillip "if you love Me, you will keep and obey my commandments". Jesus wasn't commanding Phillip to comply. Jesus was stating a fact. When we love Him, we behave like Him. When we love Him, we submit our will to His. We do what He wants instead of just what we want.

Now don't hear me wrong. There are plenty of times when He wants us to enjoy something that we want. I am not saying that you never get your way. Just the opposite - you get your way by giving Him His. Because He wants for you more than you can ever imagine. The things you want aren't big enough. You think too small. Ponder that for a second. Because I have a pretty vivid and expansive imagination. God wants more.

The consequence of submission is transformation. When you submit to someone, you become more like them. When I submit to God, He changes me. As I become more like Him, of course I would behave more like Him. That's obedience - when it is totally natural for me to do what God would do because I am of the same mind. Obedience focuses on the person that you obey.

Compliance focuses on you. I remember hearing about a bus drivers strike in France. The bus drivers did not picket or anything we would normally picture. They complied. They followed every rule in the handbook. And nothing got done. They complied with the rules in order to get their own way. Compliance comes from resentment and rebellion.

When you comply instead of obey, it sends the message that you do not love me. That what I do, who I am, is unimportant to you. And that hurts. A lot. Compliance is part of obedience. But obedience is so much more. And that's what God wants for us. It's what I want for you - more.

This is my two cents worth, anyway.